Do any other parents of adult CDs live with holes in their walls?

[PeacefulMom]

My son, now 35, has lived with me for more than 12 years (except when he stayed with his dad for weeks at a time).  He is not working or in school now, so I have to give him money sometimes for gas and other essentials. He is in weekly therapy - and now back on anti-depressants, but things are worse rather than better.  My walls are damaged, with some almost taken out.  A door is also broken.  I feel so humble in writing about this -  embarrassed and humiliated, but don't know where else to turn.  He knows he needs to leave, and has been asked to, after so many violent episodes where he can't control his temper and smashes something.  (But he always leaves for a few hours, and comes back, and then does not leave - and has even refused to in the past.) 

He has said he will repair everything, even has some dry wall stored in the garage and other essentials to do so.  But I am walking by these walls each day for weeks now, and nothing is getting done.  I can't let anyone into my home.  I am drowning in depression, and wondering:  Am I just a fool, being too kind, being perhaps only compassionate, or do I just need to be more patient with him?  Important to note that he is very oppositional; the more I mention the need, the less likely he will do anything unless the circumstances are just right. 

I'm not up to calling the police and having him removed, as he has been suicidal in the past.  His dad was abusive, and I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I wish I knew exactly what to do to make things better/different - but I'm just not good at handling trauma and stress (and am now 70).  Please help! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello PeacefulMom and welcome 

I’m so sorry to hear about what damage your son has done to your home, I would be really upset about something like that too 

He has said he will repair everything, even has some dry wall stored in the garage and other essentials to do so.  But I am walking by these walls each day for weeks now, and nothing is getting done.  I can't let anyone into my home.  I am drowning in depression, and wondering:  Am I just a fool, being too kind, being perhaps only compassionate, or do I just need to be more patient with him?  Important to note that he is very oppositional; the more I mention the need, the less likely he will do anything unless the circumstances are just right. 

PeacefulMom, you are not a fool, you are a very kind and loving mom and it seems to me that you have more than enough patience already. What you could do with perhaps is better boundaries because we need boundaries to protect our values. If you look to the right  under the TOOLS heading, click on Communicate Boundaries & Limits which will take you to that article. Have a read when you can and let us know if you find it helpful x 

[PeacefulMom]

Hello, and thanks so much for your kind advice and for sending me to the "boundaries" tool.  I have read this before, even know these things, but have trouble establishing - and especially enforcing - any boundaries with my son.  I admit I am at the point of giving up, when I've always said to myself that I would never give up on him.

I know he is using me, often abuses me by harming my home and tearing me to shreds with his words.  He is often threatening toward me, and frightens me.  Last week, he broke my phone.  I also know he needs to leave, and likely live with his Dad.  Nothing I say at this point seems to matter to him, as I suspect he has disrespected me to the degree that he thinks he can get by with anything without consequences, as he knows I love him unconditionally.  There are always the promises that keep coming, but he rarely follows through.  Odd thing is, my son is a really good person to the core; but I am the one he lashes out at (the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde).

Am I the only person/parent whose gotten themselves to this sorrowful position?  And how in the world to fix it!  As I get older, I recognize that I am more vulnerable, and that things could get worse.

[Feeling Better]

Hi there PeacefulMom, you know, I too struggle with boundaries and when I think back I often wonder whether I actually had any boundaries at all! Too much of a people pleaser and putting others needs before my own, but I’m learning. I’m glad that you have read about boundaries before, can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it (and other articles too), I find that I need to keep going back and reminding myself, particularly as I don’t retain information as well as I used to in my earlier years. I’m late sixties now so not far behind you and I do understand that feeling of vulnerability that you mentioned.

Nothing I say at this point seems to matter to him, as I suspect he has disrespected me to the degree that he thinks he can get by with anything without consequences, as he knows I love him unconditionally.

I can really relate to this. My son told me to my face that he didn’t respect me, I couldn’t believe that he was saying that to me at that time. I know differently now. I allowed him to disrespect me. I allowed him to walk all over me. No wonder he had no respect for me. I just couldn’t see it at the time, in my desperation to hold onto my relationship with him. So, why did I allow him to disrespect me? I just said it... .desperation.  Desperation and Fear. The thing that helped me the most with this was reading about FOG. Have you already come across the article on this?

Am I the only person/parent whose gotten themselves to this sorrowful position?  And how in the world to fix it!  As I get older, I recognize that I am more vulnerable, and that things could get worse.

You are most definitely not the only person/parent who’s got themselves into a sorrowful position such as yours and I can say that with deep conviction because I too have been there. I ended up sacrificing myself (misplaced advice from a therapist) in my desperate need to have a relationship with my son. Thankfully I have since worked with a much better therapist. I am currently work in progress and I am slowly, slowing getting there. You will too PeacefulMom, stick around and see x 

[PeacefulMom]

Feeling Better, I can't thank you enough for your encouragement.  I need to see a therapist again (don't have one now), and I know I need to ask my son to leave if significant changes are not on the horizon this week.

At this point, you are my lifeline.  I really can't talk to others about how bad things have gotten, as I suspect you and others realize. 

I will read and read some more, and seek out someone to help me get stronger and establish some boundaries.  Then I will post again about progress - although if things get worse, I may come back to boards just for support which I do desperately need now.

Thank heaven that you all are here for those of us struggling.

[Feeling Better]

PeacefulMom, it’s great to hear you sounding so positive 

I’m glad that you are reading and then reading some more, there’s no rush, take your own good time.

Something else that has helped me along the way is sharing and reaching out to others, I have learnt so much from reading some of the posts here too. Whatever suits you best, just do it and remember that you are doing it for you 

I hope that you are able to find yourself a good therapist, please take care of yourself and I look forward to hearing of your progress x 

[Only Human]

Hi PeacefulMom,

I'm glad you are here and also consider the people here my lifeline. The title of your post catches my attention every time I log in, which is several times every day since I got here.

My 25-year-old BPD daughter punched holes in my walls and doors in her adolescence. She also destroyed some of my belongings, tore the thermostat off the wall twice, and kicked my bedroom door in. I lived in fear most of the time during those years. I was embarrassed that I wasn't able to "control" my daughter!

Like Feeling Better, and many others who are here, I struggle with boundaries. We are not alone and I thank my lucky stars every day that I found this place.

I really can't talk to others about how bad things have gotten, as I suspect you and others realize.

You suspect correctly. I often feel like if I talk about how bad things are, others will think I'm weak, a fool, her doormat. I got tired of hearing, "Just kick her out, I'd never put up with that!" As you know, it's more complicated than that. Finding a good therapist who specializes in BPD has helped me greatly.

I will read and read some more, and seek out someone to help me get stronger and establish some boundaries. 

Have you read anything that has helped you? I trust the lessons and articles here over the random google search results I relied on before I got here.

Take good care and I hope to hear more from you. Sharing here has been so great for me.

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Peaceful Mom,

I read your post and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. How are you doing?

I struggle with boundaries too. It's so hard to be constantly vigilant about what we say and do. Especially when you're living in fear and extreme stress.

I hope you are doing ok. Sending hugs 

[Daisy123]

Hi PeacefulMom,
I’m so sorry you are going through so much. It’s exhausting. Our kids can really zap the energy from us. I’m glad to hear that you are seeking a therapist. Support helps us make it through.

I’m glad you found this site. Someone once told me early to keep posting. Posting here has helped me so much. I’ve learned so much from the wonderful people here.

My DD20 has placed plenty of holes into my walls, had 3 serioussuicide attempts and has been in and out of residential and inpatient psychiatric floors. You are not alone. We are here to listen.

Take care

Daisy123