Let's get to know each other better. Discussion about our personality types

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In other threads, personality types have come up.  I chuckle as I read mine and it would appear that most others on these boards that "know me" go... "yep... makes sense.  That's FF."


I won't "out" the others, although I certainly hope they come here and post.  I'll start in the next thread with my personality type and perhaps I'll offer a few comments on how my "type" benefits and challenges my in my relationships.

Then perhaps expand it to the same question benefits and challenges in a "BPD" relationship.

FF

[formflier]

In other threads, personality types have come up.  I chuckle as I read mine and it would appear that most others on these boards that "know me" go... "yep... makes sense.  That's FF."


I won't "out" the others, although I certainly hope they come here and post.  I'll start in the next thread with my personality type and perhaps I'll offer a few comments on how my "type" benefits and challenges my in my relationships.

Then perhaps expand it to the same question benefits and challenges in a "BPD" relationship.

FF

[formflier]

I'm an ESTJ (The Executive)

https://www.16personalities.com/estj-personality


I just got done reading all of this and I was like... .yep... preach it brother!

ESTJs are aware of their surroundings and live in a world of clear, verifiable facts – the surety of their knowledge means that even against heavy resistance, they stick to their principles and push an unclouded vision of what is and is not acceptable.

Yep... that's my world.  When that world meets BPD and rewriting of history and "rules".  Very interesting things happen.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

This could be fun as well as informative (says the ENFP-A.  AKA "The Campaigner")

Here's my profile.  https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/45e28c4a9af86

I'm one of those people who read FF's personality type and said "Yep.  That's FF."  I suspect those who have read my Adventures of BeagleGirl topic probably won't be all that surprised by my profile either.  I wasn't surprised that FF's personality profile listed military service as a potentially good career path for him.  Nor was I surprised that mine specifically called out military service as something to be avoided by people with my personality type.   

My personality type strengths include Curious, Observant, Energetic and Enthusiastic, Excellent Communicator, Know How to Relax,  and Very Popular and Friendly

"All this adaptability and spontaneity comes together to form a person who is approachable, interesting and exciting, with a cooperative and altruistic spirit and friendly, empathetic disposition. Campaigners get along with pretty much everyone, and their circles of friends stretch far and wide."

Sounds awesome, right?  But I've definitely been dealing a lot with the impact of my weaknesses lately:
Poor Practical Skills, Find it Difficult to Focus, Overthink Things, Get Stressed Easily, Highly Emotional, Independent to a Fault

I had to laugh at the description of how my personality type approaches romantic relationships because it rings so true with how I've been approaching Neighbor B:

"For people with the Campaigner personality type, relationships are a joyous process of mutual exploration and imagination, a chance to connect with another soul. Campaigners take their relationships seriously, and are known for their uninhibited and unshakeable devotion to the people to whom they’ve committed their hearts.

In the dating phase, if Campaigners can be said to tolerate such a formal process to begin with, they will show these qualities by showering their new flames with affection, and will do everything they can to build a strong relationship by demonstrating their devotion and reliability by whatever means available."  

So THAT'S why I struggle so much with backing off and giving Neighbor B a chance to miss me.

And these quotes also struck a chord with me:

"Campaigners go all-in with their relationships, and if they fall apart despite their efforts, they can end up plagued with questions about why the relationship failed and what they could have done differently "
"Campaigners tend to get deeply involved in others’ lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation, Campaigner personalities tend to give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn’t sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides."

That definitely describes what I've dealt with all through my relationship with dBPDxh, and what I know I'm at risk for perpetuating in future relationships.  

I'd love to hear from more members.  I think it might also be interesting to think a bit about how our personality types play out in this online support environment.  

BeagleGirl

[Cat Familiar]

I’m an INTJ.  The Architect.  https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

Rules, limitations and traditions are anathema to the INTJ personality type – everything should be open to questioning and reevaluation, and if they see a way, INTJs will often act unilaterally to enact their technically superior, sometimes insensitive, and almost always unorthodox methods and ideas.

INTJs make up about 2% of the population and women with this personality type are .8%. No wonder that I run into so few compadres.

We INTJs are  “imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious, but they do not squander their energy.”  I’m not sure about the not squandering my energy part, since my curiosity knows no bounds and I go down lots of rabbit holes.

And yes, I’m an idealist, yet very cynical. And yes, I see a lot of social conventions as “downright stupid” so I can be bull in the china shop-ish when it comes to nuance and understanding others’ emotions. I’m like, “Get over yourself—can’t you see that what you’re doing isn’t working?” (Of course I don’t say that, but I’m sure some of those thoughts come through loud and clear, even though I try to be polite.)

So I share this personality type with Vladimir Putin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michelle Obama and Elon Musk. Hmmmm... .

No wonder I’ve been told that I’m “controlling”—of course I don’t see it that way. I just think I’ve got great ideas and that others should get onboard.   

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm INSJ the defender. Supportive, loyal, hard working, patient, observant, practical yet imaginative. Also humble, shy, take things personally, repress my feelings and too altruistic.

Pretty much dead on, I would say.

Redeemed

[formflier]

So... .taking some time to read through mine again.  Get some popcorn and have a good chuckle at what it would be like to be on of my kids, being raised on the farm.  7 Wonderful years, yes even after BPD showed up about halfway through, I have the fondest memories.  And yes, there really was a lazy river we would fish, boat and snowmobile on.

If anyone declares hard, manual work to be an excellent way to build character, it is ESTJs.

Imagine being one of my kids.  Hearing Dad talk about "putting out good product... ."  It is doubtful that any of my kids will ever end up in a profession/vocation of hard manual labor, but I assure you... .all the boys and girls (no prissy gals in my family that get others to care for their horses... .) could easily pass for seasoned ditch diggers, fence post diggers and heavy equipment operators.

I still remember the quizzical (and then relieved) look my boys gave me when we got an auger attachment for the skid steer and the post hole digger was only used to "clean up the hole".

To teach leadership and fairness (and relieve myself of the headaches of leading my boys through interpersonal "that's not fair" type of conflicts) I had this thing where I would put a boy in charge of some manual labor task one day and the other brothers are the helpers.  Especially if there were complaints, I would make sure they had a preview of the next days chores and knew that a different boy would be in charge.

Then of course I would put my arms around them... .hug them good and say "Hey... you know, if I didn't know better, I thought I heard some grumbling about unfairness... .did I hear that right?"  pause for effect because they know whats coming  "I mean... .I could hang out with you guys tomorrow and "help" make everything fair.  I dunno... perhaps I misheard... perhaps you boys would rather work it out among yourselves... ."

The almost always chose to work it out... . 

This can earn them a reputation for inflexibility

I have a confession to make.  I doubt it's ever been obvious here... but I can be a bit stubborn and inflexible... .

That way, ESTJs really do have all the facts, and are able to lead the charge in directions that work for everyone.

This was one of the most frustrating things about BPD showing up.  I would get my wife figured out... "plug her in" the system in the right way... .and then she would move the goalpost  Even more perplexing, she would allege I never had her figured out before... she had never said/agreed to whatever... and blame it all on me...

I would figure her out... .plug her in... .move goalpost (wash rinse repeat)

Seeing things to completion borders on an ethical obligation for ESTJs.

ESTJs defend their ideas and principles relentlessly, and must be proven clearly and conclusively wrong for their stance to budge.

Should I "confess" again?

ESTJ personalities return the honesty (whether it’s wanted or not).

Hmm... .honesty whether it's wanted or not.  Nope... you guys ain't never seen that around these parts... .

Enjoy Creating Order – Chaos makes things unpredictable, and unpredictable things can’t be trusted when they are needed most – with this in mind, ESTJs strive to create order and security in their environments by establishing rules, structures and clear roles.

Structure anyone?

ESTJs are strong adherents to tradition and when suddenly forced to try unvetted solutions, they become uncomfortable and stressed. New ideas suggest that their methods weren’t good enough, and abandoning what has always worked before in favor of something that may yet fail risks their image of reliability.

So... .this is still a major issue for me.  "unvetted solutions"  SWOE and "tools" on this site were shocking.  However, I was so beat down that I had the "facts" in front of me that stated "I had to be wrong" and "had to do something else".  So I kinda closed my eyes and "did" the first couple boundaries, but was a "collector of facts" enough to realize that I did it EXACTLY how senior members told me to... .and EXACTLY how the articles said on here and the extinction burst happened EXACTLY as predicted with a "poof" moment where my wife acted like it was no big deal.

That leap of faith GAVE ME HOPE and I've been building on that since.

Difficulty Expressing Emotion – This is all evidence of ESTJs’ greatest weakness: expressing emotions and feeling empathy. People with the ESTJ personality type get so caught up in the facts and most effective methods that they forget to think of what makes others happy, or of their sensitivity. A detour can be breathtakingly beautiful, a joy for the family, but ESTJs may only see the consequence of arriving at their destination an hour late, hurting their loved ones by rejecting the notion too harshly.

Several good Ts have chipped away at this over time.  I actually "plan my spontaneity" or "plan to have no plan".  Now that I'm off the farm and pretend to be a city slicker... ."hey girls lets go out to horses for the afternoon" is one of my favorite things.  No schedule... just time with girls and horses  

Note:  Boys can all ride, but none of them have a "passion" for it.  Frankly, I don't either.  I do enjoy riding, but it's more about time with kids and life lessons.  The standing joke is that my boys will fall in love with a girl, she will want horses and they will end up on a farm.  They all claim to have a "screening process" to avoid that.  

For any non horse people passing through, horses really do delay girls interest in boys.  At first I didn't believe it, once I realized it was true... .FF wallet opened wide.  

They may look for more stability in their sex lives than most, but ESTJs never fail to bring their characteristic vigor

So that's why all the girls in the harem are always calling... .   

and they can quickly damage more sensitive partners’ fragile feelings.

Ugg... so true.  (my wife is INFP)

there Is No Pleasure in Having Nothing to Do... .

I have found time to slow down these days.  Disability has forced some of that.  You know... only working on my MBA, trying to get some flip houses sold, manage a wife with BPD, raise 8 kids, set up a company to run the family farm (now my responsibility after my Dad passed away) and of course helping out on bpdfamily.

All that extra time... .sometimes an extra couple cups of coffee in the morning!  

from parenting

but ESTJs do have a clear advantage of consistency and direct honesty that never leaves their expectations ambiguous

Oh... .they've heard this a time or two... ."This is your road to redemption.  I can't walk it for you, but I can shine the light for you... .and I'll be waiting at the other end with open arms... ."

from career

People with the ESTJ personality type stick to projects until they’re finished, big or small, and are organized enough to make any necessary paperwork a mere minor inconvenience to their clients, rather than some baffling ordeal.

This is a place I've always struggled.  I will get everything organized and then something else other than paperwork will seem like a higher priority.  I'll get to that stack of papers tomorrow, then next week... .then my desk is an awful mess.

However ESTJs are unlikely to do much experimenting on their own

I'm not a "clean sheet" guy.  That being said, give me any process and I'll learn it and then improve it.  Design something from scratch. Uggg... .

ESTJs’ dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Most of my time with my P is focused on how I can "do" relationships better.  Yes... from time to time I vent, but mostly I want to be a better FF.

[I Am Redeemed]

I meant ISFJ the defender. Can't hardly see on this cell phone.

It says that defender types have qualities that seem to be opposing, such as reserved yet possessing good people skills, sensitive yet analytical. That explains why I struggled with some of the questions and could have chosen the exact opposite answer.

Sometimes the way I prefer things to be is not how they actually are. Like, I prefer to have everything organized at work and at home... .but I currently have a kind of messy, unorganized home, which is stressful for me.

Something I keyed in on was the too altruistic trait. It says defender types leggings slide, believe that things will get better soon, and don't want to burden others by asking for help. Meanwhile our troubles pile up and we get overwhelmed. That so describes me and explains a lot of why I stayed so long in a situation that was completely unhealthy. I kept letting things slide, kept hoping things would change and didn't want to ask for help and bother anyone. Until I couldn't take it anymore and it was about as bad as it could possibly be.

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

Thank you, FF, for the link.  I have to take this soon.

"The Essential Guide" by Randi Kreger talks about the role we play with our BPD partners and family members.

Important to know.

[formflier]

 but I currently have a kind of messy, unorganized home, which is stressful for me.

Amen to that!  This morning I was up a bit early and notice the mess around my easy chair.  Where I type on Chromebook and read and do homework for my MBA program.  

There isn't gobs of extra time in my life, so I decided I really needed to get working on that "supply chain management" class, since I have a quiz tomorrow and "feel behind" or "not ready"

I constantly seem to make the choice of doing something else rather than get/stay organized, yet when I do get organize I see massive benefits.

My oldest daughter seems to have "caught" this habit from me too!

I Am Redeemed

What part of the "analysis" of your personality are you like... ."yep... .that's me"?

What part doesn't quite fit?


FF

[jsgirl360]

I meant ISFJ the defender. Can't hardly see on this cell phone.

It says that defender types have qualities that seem to be opposing, such as reserved yet possessing good people skills, sensitive yet analytical. That explains why I struggled with some of the questions and could have chosen the exact opposite answer.

I took this test awhile back... .I'm ISFJ the Defender as well.  The personality traits describe me for sure.  It even says ISFJ's are likely to be in the "helping" professions... .like a nurse... .which I am.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi FF - I'm an INFJ, The Advocate.

I'm the co-worker who always offers to help, then gets burned out because everyone "seems" to need my help. ;)

My (healthy) boyfriend asked me the other day, "Why don't you ask yourself why you need to help "x" person, because that seems to be the question YOU most need answers to". (This was after a conversation where I asked him for advice in distancing myself from a needy coworker).

The answer is in order to feel like I am a good person, I help. Too many times, and too often. It's a lifelong lesson I keep having to learn, over and over again. Apparently the "payoff" is the feeling of "goodness" and the momentary bump in self esteem.

I am pretty sure that my "helping" led me into a relationship with an unstable man with BPD.

God helps those who help themselves... back off and leave people to their own issues... It's ok to say no. Those are my mantras.

[formflier]

God helps those who help themselves...  

I think it's Galatians 6 that talks about bearing each others burdens, yet later each is supposed to "carry their own load".

I don't read Greek, but I heard a really interesting talk that said if you go back to original language "carry own load" refers to day to day stuff.  God expects you to carry all your own stuff (with the implication that you have some "reserve capacity" left to help others in the body.

"Bearing burdens" in the original language has to do with unusual things.  So, tornado blows off your roof, the entire church is called to help you "bear that burden".  Yet that same person would be expected to do their own day to day stuff.

Sounded legit to me.

FF

[zachira]

I test as either an ENTP or ENFP. I come from a home where the intellect was valued and feelings ignored. As I have become more feelings literate, my last test result was ENFP. What do you think?

[Cat Familiar]

As I have become more feelings literate, my last test result was ENFP.

Interesting... .when I first took the Meyers Briggs test years ago, I was more of an INFJ and now I'm definitely in the INTJ camp.

[formflier]

I test as either an ENTP or ENFP. I come from a home where the intellect was valued and feelings ignored. As I have become more feelings literate, my last test result was ENFP. What do you think?

Feeling weren't quite ignored in my family, but they were not high on the priority list.  I definitely wasn't "validated" a lot, but it was rare to be "invalidated". 

So... .if I was sad, perhaps a quick hug, talk... .it'll be ok and I'll talk to you later after chores are done.  Feelings were there but life had to go on.  My wife on the other hand was totally "invalidated" for most of her life. 

My Mom was college professor and Dad had advanced degrees.  We definitely "thought" our way through life.

If people were upset with something... ."well they should do xyz and they'll feel better" was the dinner table comment.

Looking  at our Foos is really interesting...

FF

[BetterLanes]

ENTJ (Commander), and it definitely shows

ENTJs are characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves. Perhaps it is best that they make up only three percent of the population

Emotional expression isn’t the strong suit of any Analyst type, but because of their Extraverted (E) nature, ENTJs’ distance from their emotions is especially public, and felt directly by a much broader swath of people

To people with the ENTJ personality type, emotional displays are displays of weakness

Cold and Ruthless – Their obsession with efficiency and unwavering belief in the merits of rationalism, especially professionally, makes ENTJs incredibly insensitive in pursuing their goals, dismissing personal circumstances, sensitivities, and preferences as irrational and irrelevant.

 

I did the test a while back (15+ years ago) in a workplace context and they got us all to stand in line in order of test scores for each category. I was both the most E and the most J in the room.   

My H tested as INTJ (Architect) which is 2pc of the population, mostly males. ENTJ is rarer in females and generally considered unbecoming for them! Interestingly the Internet thinks our personality types are highly compatible.

BetterLanes x

[Coastered]

INFJ

So probably just a few of us

I am pretty sure that my "helping" led me into a relationship with an unstable person with BPD.

I so hear you

[formflier]

ENTJs are characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves. 

Solid work!  The first time I took the test I remember comments about being really high on the E and the T part... .if I remember right. 

FF

[Tattered Heart]

I'm INTJ--the mastermind MUAHAHA

I-Intoverted I'm an extroverted introvert. I am completely exhausted by social situations, but I enjoy being social. I may not carry a conversation easily, but I will engage in it if someone else guides it.

N-Intuitive-I have a strong intuition and often am able to see motivations going on behind the scene (in Christian circles, it's the gift of discernment). I have an uncanny ability to read people, although, once emotionally involved with the person, I do not notice their idiosyncrasies that would alert me to negative aspects of their character.

T-Thinking-I'm a facts person. I look at evidence to make a decision. I do not like to include emotion or feelings in my decisions. Those can lead you down the wrong path because they fluctuate. This aspect of my personality probably shows in my hard edges. I'm quite aloof and I know this really hurts my husband. I don't like sentimental movies or sappy love stories.

J-Judging I make decisions. The combination of N, T, & J allows me to quickly review facts and make an intuitive decision. Once I've made up my mind on something, I must be presented with more facts before changing my mind again. I tend to view situations a little

Leadership is a strong characteristic. I am always prepared to lead if no one else steps up or if there is a flaw in the current leadership. Perfectionism and a disregard for authority are strong in my type and I see this in myself. I'll buck any authority structure if it doesn't make sense.

Fictional INTJs: Walter White, Hannibal Lecter, Clarice Starling, Petyr Baelish, Gandolf, Katniss Everdeen, Mr. Darcy--all of which are characters that I relate to quite strongly.

I’m an INTJ.  The Architect.  https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

Cat, as a female, do you feel like your personality type is more difficult because we are expected to be outwardly emotional creatures? For me, I've always had difficulty with other women. I have to make a conscious choice to express emotion more around other females. Men see my leadership abilities and I find that I get quite a bit of respect in public forums where my willingness to buck the system or make systemic changes are required

[Cat Familiar]

Hi TH,
Hey fellow INTJ—so glad to get to know you better! Basement Dweller is another one of us. Katniss and Clarice—I totally relate to them!

I really had difficulties relating to women until college. I think it was because what girls were interested in didn’t at all reflect my interests. I was clueless about fashion, makeup and all that “girly” stuff—still am. I just wear clothes that are comfortable and that I can get dirty, working on the ranch.

But in college I discovered a “superpower”—I easily make friends with guys and get included as “one of the guys”. This didn’t necessarily lead to getting dates, but girls suddenly wanted to befriend me because they saw how many guy friends I have.

I still relate to guys. It’s really funny when I need to hire somebody to do a project here. He (haven’t met any female contractors in this area yet) will start talking with my husband, but soon direct all the conversation my way because he realizes that I speak “contractor language” with all the correct building terminology while my husband, smart as he is, is clueless. Happens every time.

I have quite a few female friends now, for the first time in my life. They all cut me slack for being quirky and they’re all quirky in their own ways too. I’ve had a female friend criticize me for not being emotionally supportive when she needed that, and instead I offered strategy. (She’s my one very girly friend.)

I must admit that I frequently overlook how important emotions are to people. To me, it’s vital to examine my feelings, but I make choices based on logic, not emotions. So it seems really reckless to me when people let their emotions lead, instead of their intellect. (And that value judgment ultimately was created from having a flighty, untrustworthy BPD mother, then underscored by two BPD husbands.) But I guess it takes all kinds... .

Cat

[stolencrumbs]

This is interesting. It's been a long time since I last took the test, and I haven't really thought much about how certain traits play or don't play well with a pwBPD.

I am INTP, the Logician, "usually known as the philosopher, the architect, or the dreamy professor." I am, in fact, a philosophy professor.

This rings true for me: "The one thing that really holds Logicians back is their restless and pervasive fear of failure. Logician personalities are so prone to reassessing their own thoughts and theories, worrying that they’ve missed some critical piece of the puzzle, that they can stagnate, lost in an intangible world where their thoughts are never truly applied. Overcoming this self-doubt stands as the greatest challenge Logicians are likely to face, but the intellectual gifts – big and small – bestowed on the world when they do makes it worth the fight."

I think this is one of the things that keeps me in my marriage. I desperately want to "figure it out," and I always think there might be something I'm missing, or something I'm not thinking about that would show me that I'm mistaken. So lots of self-doubt about what I should be doing, and that can keep me stagnant.

This also rings true, and seems like a big problem with a pwBPD: "Purely emotional situations are often utterly puzzling to Logicians, and their lack of timely sympathy can easily offend."

This is also true of me, and problematic: "As their relationships progress, Logicians’ daily needs prove remarkably simple. Gifts, surprises, complex social plans and date nights are all fairly unimportant to people with the Logician personality type, but this is also one of their chiefest weaknesses – their partner may very much need these things, and it won’t even occur to Logicians to plan them out."

So there are certainly things here that ring true for me. Obviously, there's lots that doesn't, and these tests are prescriptive. But I think it does give us some insight, or highlight some natural tendencies that we should probably take a look at. Thanks for the nudge to look at this, FF.

[Enabler]

Still an executive ESTJ-T

Darn those principles

[formflier]

Still an executive ESTJ-T

Darn those principles

And... .look back at some of the discussions that we've had with each other.  You will thoughtfully come up with a solution... .and then you entrench.

I do the same thing... .think... entrench.  

Sort of like WW1.  

I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing... more of one of those "it just is" things.

For me, when I get like that I want to hear from the other side in much smaller "bites" of information and decision making to find "exactly" where we start diverging... .then I focus on that point.

Because... .once we've diverged, it make's complete sense to me for you (or other thinkers) to stay on the same path (that doesn't bother me in the least).  It's the point where you go .1 degrees left and I go .1 degrees right where I want to understand better.

Also makes complete sense to me that once you've thoughtfully gone down the pathway for a while, that you will entrench.  I mean, if you have the principles right... .stay there.  Makes complete sense to me.

Reference the financial discussion about my wife.  My "principle" was that cussing an ATM shouldn't get you money.  So... .I felt completely (and still do by the way... . comfortable letting the ATM hand out zero dollars, even for "family things".

Because... ."I'm in my trench with my principles."

FF

[zachira]

It's good we have such a wide variety of personality types. It is not the personality type that matters but how aware we are of our preferences and how it affects us and how we interact with others. For example, I test as 100 percent intuitive and perceiving which makes me struggle with the opposite characteristics yet I learn a lot by developing ways of being that are not my preferred ways of being.

[Enabler]

Agree FF. one of my new ‘skills’ is to be quiet in my trench, have. My view and allow others to have theirs. All too often I was shouting and getting on the machine guns from ‘my trench’ such that I didn’t hear anyone else... .I didn’t need to right?

Just because I’m right, doesn’t mean I have to tell everyone else they’re wrong.

[formflier]

Just because I’m right, doesn’t mean I have to tell everyone else they’re wrong.

Yep... .and a lot of times I let them "come to me".

So... .they want something or want to discuss, the discussion is ready.  Yet it's not "forced" or I don't "chase" them with it.

They have the option of skipping it... .although that usually "costs" them what they want.


Not to verge too far off the point of this thread... .but... .I see it that my wife has "full access" to all of my finances... ."through" the relationship. 

Said another way... .what principle says another person should have access to "your stuff" outside the relationship... .especially when they've "proven"  to be bad stewards in the past.

FF

[BasementDweller]

This is a great thread! As a fellow INTJ, and a female one at that, I can relate to much of what Cat and Tattered have said. I want to weigh in more, but it has been a long and grueling 16 hour day for me today, much of which deserves its own thread.   

After a good night's sleep, I'm jumping back in. Have a good night (or day, depending on your time zone) everyone!   

[formflier]

After a good night's sleep, I'm jumping back in. Have a good night (or day, depending on your time zone) everyone!   

Looking forward to "seeing" you tomorrow in this thread!

FF

[BasementDweller]

Hi, FF! Hi everyone! 

Sorry for the delay in response. Yesterday was a long, hellish day.

I agree with Cat and Tattered that it's quirky enough being an INTJ, but it's also very odd for a woman, and yes, it does make it harder to fit in with other women... .except maybe the ones who are of similar type. It's not that we don't have the ability to feel things, it's just that we tend to be private about it, or not really showcase our feelings in most settings, or with most people.

Oddly, I have an ex (male) who is also an INTJ, textbook as well, and he and I were so incredibly compatible and had a lot of passion between us despite being calm and rational introverts. If it weren't for long distance and bad timing, I think we'd still be together. We are still very good friends.

Ironically he has a BPD GF now, and she's a handful. Low functioning, alcoholic, and a cutter. He's been through hell with her. He is incredibly private about it, and doesn't say a word to anyone - except me. I think we were equally shocked to find ourselves both in abusive relationships like this, when I was still with my ex. There is something to be said for the theoretical problem-solver types. We are fascinated by the psychology of BPD, and also drawn to want to understand and "solve it". Even for the most astute INTJ, BPD is still impossible.   That's where we run into problems. We can't fix it, and we can't deal with that, because we have to fix everything. And we usually can.

Here's a bit of humor: I once saw a funny meme that said "I'm not a remorseless psychopath, I'm just an INTJ!"

This because we are apparently Spock like creatures who feel nothing. (Not entirely true.)

Soo... .(and why that is relevant) ... .last night I actually had to have a rather extended sit-down, face to face with my BPD ex - in our former shared home.

 

That was rough, but unavoidable. We have some important documentation that we need to work on together, and while he DID reluctantly cooperate with it, he used the time that he knew I was a captive audience to tell me over and over again that I was a psychopath, and vast and sundry other horrific insults. Keeping him on task was... .difficult. He just wanted to insult and provoke me. I was surprised at how dysregulated and angry he still is even after I moved out 3.5 months ago (at his demand) and haven't said a harsh or argumentative word to him since. I actually don't get it. He has gotten WORSE.

Among the things he said to me in the hour I was at his home:

1.) I am a psychopath.
2.) I fled the U.S. to Europe because I am fleeing my serial killer past. (He used to think I just worked for the CIA. I've been demoted, apparently.)
3.) He no longer calls me by my name now, but "J.D.". For Jeffrey Dahmer.     
4.) Initially, he started calling me "T.B." (for Ted Bundy). But when I thought that meant "tuberculosis" he switched it to J.D. for clarity.
4.) My ex-husband does not exist. I made him up.
5.) My parents do not exist. I made them up.
6.) I don't really have a sister. I made her up. She's a serial killer, and my alter ego, therefore... .me.
7.) I never loved him, I just wanted to do experiments on him.
8.) He was afraid to be alone with me, because I might stab him dead.
9.) He will never date again, because I have destroyed him for all women. I have destroyed him completely. He will never love again, because I destroyed that in him. (This was legitimately the only one that made me sad, but I know I can't take all the blame for that.)
10.) All of my personal effects were exactly where I left them 3.5 months ago. The ones I did not take with me. It looks like I never left. Even my favorite throw blanket is in the spot I left it in mid-June. I didn't even open that can of worms, and just said nothing.

So yeah. He was having a field day with my INTJ-ness. Always did.  I never was able to tolerate his rampant emotionality that well, and I no longer am hurt by his bizarre attacks. At all. So, yesterday, when he insulted me up one wall and down the other, and I didn't have so much as have an eye twitch, (I actually laughed at the J.D. thing which infuriated him) he pointed triumphantly at me and smugly declared he now had proof I was a psychopath.

But I'm just an INTJ! ;-)

[BasementDweller]

Please excuse the duplicate number 4's.