girlfriend of 1 and a half years broke up with me

[Chewmatic]

Hello to everyone who is listening and trying to help. First let me say I am amazed how much help and support is provided on this site!
You know you don't need to help and support others, yet all of you guys have good beating hearts in your chests and provide help for those in need.

Let me explain my current Situation. We fought a lot over petty things, she gets angry and jelous when I just fly through some kind of women's magazine
until she comes back from the toilet to drive home (we where at her mother's home). Movies where half naked or sexy dressed girls/women are even hinted there is an outburst.

To the current problem. An off phase again and she calls out of the blue, she wants to see me. I agree on meeting her and giving the relationship another try.
The next sentence is "look I got that half extasy, you take a quater and I take a quater and we gonna "you know" the whole night.

Since I am not into drugs I declined. The next day it got me thinking and I came to the conclusion that the woman I love so much shouldn't be offering such things to me.

Then I left, trying to cool off getting my head around the problem, realising she was kind of drunk, she didn't mean any harm.

A friend gets me to agree to grab some beers and I accepted. Got pretty drunk, took a cab to her place, pleading and telling her I made a misstake and what not.

She is obviously frightned to death that I came to her place and pleading with her at 5 in the morning.

She doesn't know she has BPD and doesn't get help (yet).

2 Weeks go by and no contact, I try my best to get a hold of her trying to communicate with her, she has changed her phone number prior to that.

Now I am blocked by her mother and her on whatsapp and on the phone itself. She now has a boyfriend (24) and she is 33.

The only way of even trying to get through this mess and getting a chat with her is through a mutual friend.

They haven't talked yet but I think my chasing and pleading and even cursing turned the attempt into a Sh*tshow.

I would appreciate any help, thoughts or guidance what I should do. Her friend said that my ex wants you to fight for her or be the Knight in shining armor.

The last time I saw her was on Sep. the 1st.

Like of course we are fighting a lot, but girl you need therapy and realise you got BPD. Her though process is, I am not the right guy because we fight alot. Therefore she got with that 24 year old, who probably is having the fun of his life with her in bed and discarding her when she starts her act. Since it's not Demonlady from the get go.

Thanks for anyone who's trying to help me. And the main problem was, I only figured out she has BPD 2 weeks ago.

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us. 

You are dealing with a lot, including drugs in the mix (on the part of your girlfriend) so it is even more complicated. 

Now I am blocked by her mother and her on whatsapp and on the phone itself. She now has a boyfriend (24) and she is 33.

The only way of even trying to get through this mess and getting a chat with her is through a mutual friend.

They haven't talked yet but I think my chasing and pleading and even cursing turned the attempt into a Sh*tshow.

I would say to back off and give her space at this point.  focus on you.
What do you think will happen when this mutual friend intervenes?  What do you hope will happen?

Again, I am glad you posted.  I hope others chime in with some advice and help.

Take care

[Chewmatic]

Hi Harri! Thanks for the reply!

Well what do I think will hapen and what do I hope will happen?

I hope that mutual friend can talk some sense into her. The mutual friend is a good girl friend of hers and knows that she has a disorder of some sort.

I dont want to loose my girlfriend to an illness. First of all she would have to realise fighting is part of a relationship, every couple does it.

My part of the problem was, I thought she just had a problem with alcohol, so I treated her as a "normal" person with an alcohol problem.

When we would fight over petty stuff, I would need space going to my place in the aftermath of a fight.

I didn't know, everytime I left, I enforced her feeling of getting abandoned.

What I realised is that the problem was the leaving of me which she took as abandonment.

When we last spoke she said we tried it so many times and it didn't work out.

An aditional information: She replaced me 2 times in the last year. After about 2 months she was back and wanted to try again.

She realised the new guy has flaws and would therefore get out of the relationship. The problem now is, I found out and told her.

She didn't want me to find out about those other 2 guys and would deny the whole thing. Now she didn't even try to defend or deny anything.

It was allways the same patern, silent treatment, "I need time for myself" (even though she was with those two guys) and after 2 months "I want to see you".

At this point I would appreciate some insight if this time she might be too scared to contact me again after I found out she uses that "me-time" with other guys.

Somewhere I read that if you unmask or call them out on their bull___ it takes longer for them to initiate contact. any thoughts?

[once removed]

First of all she would have to realise fighting is part of a relationship, every couple does it.

this is true. however, some couples have irreconcilable differences, cant get on the same page. its not so much "fights" or frequency of fights even, but the nature of them, whether both parties are truly listening to each other, and whether there is resolution.

My part of the problem was, I thought she just had a problem with alcohol, so I treated her as a "normal" person with an alcohol problem.

alcohol and drugs do complicate things significantly. if she were to see a therapist, they would focus on treating the addiction first.

When we last spoke she said we tried it so many times and it didn't work out.

An aditional information: She replaced me 2 times in the last year. After about 2 months she was back and wanted to try again.

She realised the new guy has flaws and would therefore get out of the relationship. The problem now is, I found out and told her.

She didn't want me to find out about those other 2 guys and would deny the whole thing. Now she didn't even try to defend or deny anything.

Somewhere I read that if you unmask or call them out on their  it takes longer for them to initiate contact. any thoughts?

multiple make up break up cycles, inevitably put a lot of strain on a relationship, and do lasting damage that is harder to recover from each time. it sounds like she feels there are unresolvable differences in the relationship, but at least historically, she doesnt want to let it go completely. the problem is, when she reconnects/reaches out, she gets a taste of the old dynamics that strain the relationship, and checks out.

certainly, over pursuing someone or being confrontational after a breakup tends to push the other party away. i think the first step in reconciling this relationship would be to stop the bleeding, take a very different approach, give lots of space.

what do you think?

[Harri]

Hi again Chewmatic and thank you for getting back to us.  

It is hard to say what is going on specifically with your girlfriend.  I think Once Removed is right on target with his assessment and advice though.

Can you just leave things as they are for a bit?  Give her space and time?  You can use that time to work here and learn more about the disorder and certain tools that can help you if the two of you do get together again.  This would allow you to, as once removed said, try a different approach.

[Chewmatic]

Quick update and thanks for the replies and help!

We had contact yesterday, some kind of panic attack because facebook told her to change her password.

She left that 24 year old, tells me she wants to be with me and try.

Even the suggestion by me we both go into therapy sounded good to her. Don't know if she's serious about it.

I told her some poeple are hypersensitive and her emotions are stronger than those of other people (trying to slowly suggest she has BPD step by step)

I am pretty conspicuous about everything though. Hopefully I m not getting myself back into the honeytrap of hers.

What are my next steps to enforce or rather suggest a game plan for the future? Do we immediatly go into therapy or at least search for options?

My main concern is that she's not serious about me anymore. But then again if I dont even try I'd never know for sure.

Wish me luck she really wants to change her misery into joy... .

[once removed]

What are my next steps to enforce or rather suggest a game plan for the future? Do we immediatly go into therapy or at least search for options?

if you intend to do couples therapy, i would strongly encourage you to go in with a very open mind, and to do a lot of listening, as opposed to going with the intention of the therapy fixing her. many (most?) do this, and its a recipe for disaster.

when someone is in Reversing a Breakup mode (or tentatively getting back together mode), the general advice is to consider the previous iteration of the relationship as over, dead, and the new incarnation as a new relationship, with a new game plan.

I told her some poeple are hypersensitive and her emotions are stronger than those of other people (trying to slowly suggest she has BPD step by step)

i would strongly encourage you not to take this approach. she may be receptive to it now, in the interest of getting back together. over time, or perhaps very quickly, shes likely to bolt, as she has in the past. a loved one is really not in a position to suggest a personality disorder to another loved one, no matter how well intentioned. leave this to a therapist.

supporting a loved with one with BPD traits, as well as reversing a breakup in general, usually starts with a mindful approach about the dynamics, and cleaning up our side of the street. i know looking back, that i really wasnt the most loving, self aware partner - i had a lot to learn and unlearn - either to my ex, or anyone.

i think a good place to start would be identifying issues that you brought to the table that put a strain on the relationship... .things you dont want to repeat going back in.

can you do that?