What is the re-occuring argument in your relationship?

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What is the long standing re-occurring argument in your relationship?

Is it non-sense? Drama making? A true values conflict?

How often does it happen? What doe it look like?

[formflier]

That I promised her she could stay home and raise the kids and I "wouldn't make her work" until the kids were out of the house.

I put it under "nonsense" or "mis-directed anger".

The "real" or FF version.  When we were considering a move close to her parents I didn't have a job and it was obvious my health was in a freefall.  Not really the best of conditions to be moving a family.

So I asked her about her thoughts on the move... money and all that.  She suggested that her applying for jobs and if she got a job we could take that as a "sign" that it would be ok for us to move.  

She was quickly snapped up by a school system.  In fact she started working immediately and I followed with kids a couple months later (over Christmas break).

Before she started working and the move was "committed to" we had a talk about my health.  I was doing a lot of work with VA, yet lots of stuff was up in the air.  She said "we'll just have to see"... to which I agreed.

I did apply for some jobs where they were hiring disabled veterans and knew upfront that "special accommodation" would be needed.  I really thought a couple of them would come through.  They didn't.

Health declined, VA rated me 100 percent.  I applied for social security.  They approved me first time through.

My wife stopped going to medical or even really listening to me about health.  She wants me to "just go to work".  

Most of my medical providers have been declared "non-Christians"... unethical... .blah blah blah.

Then ... "poof"... .sometimes she is almost reasonable about it.

I suspect the underlying issue is it scares her to death that her husbands abilities have so obviously declined.

There is also a public embarrassment thing for her because all her church friends "stay home" and their hubbies go work.

She kinda morphed this into a refrain that her FOO and she say.  "If he wanted to... .he would provide for his family." (him being me)

By and large I've nipped this argument over the past 6 months to a year.  If anything comes up, I offer to discuss it further with the appropriate medical provider and my wife in the same room.  I only talk about scheduling it after that.

My wife has no interest in talking to a Dr about my health.

I guess that got a bit long winded... .but there it is...

FF

[Red5]

What is the re-occuring argument in your relationship?... .

#1) Is my lack of effective parenting skills (alleged)?

#2) Is that I do not pay her enough attention.

#3) Is that I do not act "romantic" enough (see #2).

#4) Is that I never do what I say I'm going to do, ie' finish painting the "wainscoting" we put up in the living room, or the trim in the bedroom, or the _____ .

#5) I am a "hoarder"... .I cannot "get rid of things"... .I am "just like mother (foo MIL)"!

That's all for now,

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

1. That I no longer like to travel and just want to hang out on the ranch.

2. That I don't like going with him to some of the concerts and music events he likes.

These statements rarely come up nowadays. I'm fine with him traveling by himself and he sees what an extraordinary amount of preparation it takes for me to leave and set up things for animal sitters. Also the last few times I've been somewhere with him, tropical "paradise" has been exceptionally crowded and on the very last trip, a kid with a skimboard on the beach hit my foot, nearly breaking it and I limped for weeks.

Same thing with the concerts. I haven't wanted to go to any since a year ago when I went to what I thought was an acoustic bluegrass show and didn't take my earplugs. Instead, I was trapped in the middle of a row at one of the loudest electric shows I've ever attended with no intermission. Since then, I've had tinnitus and no way do I want to subject myself to loud music. Boundaries!

[formflier]

Instead, I was trapped in the middle of a row at one of the loudest electric shows I've ever attended with no intermission. Since then, I've had tinnitus and no way do I want to subject myself to loud music. Boundaries!

You guys may remember a cute story from mid summer, where I tossed aside my ESTJ and was spontaneous.

Wife and I ran off together for a few days, starting with a concert.  She had been ambivalent, so I didn't purchase them to last minute. 

I open up the online ticketing and naturally picked the best (most expensive) seats.  Skipping over that I didn't see seat numbers and the area was titled... .the pit

Yeah... didn't use the T part my personality... .

We show up, give our tickets and get about halfway into "the pit" before we realize what we are getting into.  We stayed there for first set and then went and sat in the cheap seats... .   

FF

[Cipher13]

1. I do not initiate intimacy. (When I do its turned down and not counted towards attempting)
2. My attempts at intimacy are rude and in wanted.
3. She can't and wont trust me.
4. She is depressed and tired and so I am left to do all the house chores, i.e. dinner, dishes, laundry, groceries... .

[Red5]

1. I do not initiate intimacy. (When I do its turned down and not counted towards attempting)
2. My attempts at intimacy are rude and in wanted.
3. She can't and wont trust me.
4. She is depressed and tired and so I am left to do all the house chores, i.e. dinner, dishes, laundry, groceries... .

... .add the above, items #1.), #2.), & #4.) to my list... .

Red5

[AskingWhy]

My comments to my uBPD/uNPD H:

1.  Why do your children have priority in your life over me?  (Answer:  BPDs and NPDs see their children as extensions of themselves due to boundary problems.)   
2.  Why do you adapt who you are based on who you are with?  For instance, one day you belong to one political party and when you talk to your children, you belong to another.  (Answer:  BPDs have no identity and become chameleons in order to attempt to get approval from others.)
3.  Why do you dysregulate and threaten divorce when you are unhappy with me or projecting your unhappiness about something else on to me?  (Answer:  BPDs split and use projections as defense mechanisms in order to cope with cognitive distortions.)

[Cat Familiar]

I've got a new one: Typically when I'm in a hurry to go somewhere or I have some time deadline, then he chooses to try and start some conversation which demands my full attention and time. I tell him that I've only got a few minutes to talk and then Boom! he gets all pissy about "You never have time for me."

I can try and engage him in conversation at breakfast and get one word replies, or I can hug him in the evening when my chores are done and he's always the first one to pull away and go do something, but somehow in his mind, I never have time for him.

Well, feelings = facts. I managed to use SET today without him catching on to the pattern and it seemed to calm him down somewhat.

I think what's really bugging him is that we've spent far more on finishing my riding arena than the original estimates. Spending money, unless it's for something he wants, always sends him into a tail spin. I volunteered to use more of my money to complete it and I've spent a fair amount, but even that didn't satisfy him. He wants to pay for it and he's concerned about tax implications.

I think about how much I spent building our house and how it almost completely depleted the savings I had and I think, I wasn't such an A about it. He's got plenty of money and this is just a drop in the bucket for him, but you'd think he was going BK the way he gets emotional about it.

[stolencrumbs]

There are so many. I can second Chipher and Red5's list.

The one that sticks out as being the most persistent and most serious is over having children. As I remember things, we started talking about having children about ten years ago. We had just moved. I had a temporary teaching position and she did not want to work full time if we had children. So we were waiting. Two years later, I got a permanent position. At the same time, she got sick. We spent almost two years chasing a diagnosis. She was eventually diagnosed with a rare kind of cancer. We spent another year seeing specialists and landing on the right treatment. That got under control. It is manageable and long-term prognosis is good. We talked to doctors about having children and they saw no medical reason not to. So we decided to move to where my job is (previously I was commuting, and where we lived had a higher cost of living) because that was the way for her to not have to work full time. We moved with the idea that we were moving in order to start a family. The months before we moved and the time since we moved have been awful. This is when BPD really came out with a vengeance. She hated where we lived, she hated the house, she hated me, nothing was right, I didn't care, I didn't love her, etc. Early on after we moved we had a conversation about children. I don't remember all of the details, but I told her that I wasn't comfortable trying to have a child when our marriage seemed to be spinning out of control. Well, it kept spinning and is still spinning.

Her version is that I never wanted to have a family with her, that I lied about it, strung it out as long as possible, always came up with excuses, and that I have betrayed her in the deepest way imaginable. Some version of this comes out in probably half of her rages. 

The hurt is very real. I don't think I always handled the conversations in the best way. I have apologized for what I can apologize for. The hardest part is that as things continued to get worse, I am more grateful that we did not have children and subject them to this. Of course, she claims that none of this would've happened if we had just had children. Yeah, I'm skeptical of that.

[zachira]

My mother has both NPD and BPD. She has rage attacks when people do not say what she wants to hear and do exactly what she wants. My father was a good man who did every thing he could to please mom. She privately complained about him behind his back and often said she wanted a divorce, yet the complaints were always of the same nature, and nobody can do or say what another wants all the time.

[formflier]

Me trying to impose order on a house with 8 kids (be controlling?), FFw trying to impose chaos or being unsupportive of order, then FFw being shocked and blaming others for unpleasant results of chaos/lack of order.  (such as 20 pairs of socks that are?... .in the space of 2 months)

Sigh... .anyone want to guess what is bothering me this morning?

FF

[Enabler]

1) "Why are you in a mood with me?" (me) ... ."I'm not" (her)... ."Why are you ignoring me and have body language that would suggest you are angry with me then?"... ."I don't, you're always critising me, leave me alone"... .she walks off.

2) "I just don't have time to do anything, I'm so stressed, I just need some help some times" (her)... ."You managed to go for a 4 hour bike ride this morning though... ." (me)... ."am I not allowed to exercise now? Am I supposed to stay at home and clean the house like a good little housewife? You have a lunch break don't you. I like to stay fit and healthy, have you got a problem with that"... .

3) "Are you okay?" (Me Text MSG) ... ."Where are you? It's midnight and you said you would be back from the pub in an hour and that was at 8 o'clock" (Me Text MSG)... ."I'm worried" (Me Text MSG)... ."Oh, sorry, I thought you knew that I would be out all night, I was just chatting to XYZ and lost track of time" (Her Text MSG)... ."Well, I didn't realise I would be spending another evening on my own watching the TV, we never get to spend any time together and I feel like you're taking the p!ss a bit"... ."Oh, well sorry, I can never do anything right can I, I'll come back now then shall I"... ."Don't bother, I'm going to bed".

4) Her getting very agitated with the kids being rude. I step in and discipline them. Kids get upset and make the usual fuss with tears and screaming. I try and stick with it and make discipline stick... .kids up the anti and scream and cry more. Wife comes along, picks up crying/screaming child and gives them a cuddle, looks at me and says "you're cruel" or "you're horrible". I respond with "F U" or stand in amazement.

These examples were pre personal BPD awareness so my responses are somewhat different now.

I've also had the "you never initiate sex"... ."I try constantly, I have also never once declined sex once in 21years of knowing you"... ."you always come on to me when it's late and I'm tired"... ."well then come on to me when you want it"... ."You're obviously not bothered or attracted to me since it's been months".

Enabler

[Enabler]

FFw trying to impose chaos or being unsupportive of order,

If your W is anything like mine, she is also frustrated/angered by the chaos that she herself has created. Then frustrated/angered with the person who does what they deem necessary to attain order... .love the Karpman

[SweetCharlotte]

Lately, it's my teenage daughter whom I had before my uBPDh and I started to see each other romantically (by then, I was past my fertile years). I wanted a second child before it was too late, so I used an anonymous donor to get pregnant.

My D15 accepted him at first as her new Dad. She was younger then, and eager to fill the missing space. However, as his BPD traits started to impact her, and as she entered adolescence, she started to reject him. Now she completely shuts him out when he is in our home (it's a commuter marriage, so that's only once in a while). He blames me, saying I have trained her to disrespect him. He is also kind of obsessed with her in an unhealthy way, but I plan to devote a whole post to that on a new thread. Just wanted to throw this classic argument fodder into the discussion here.

[globalnomad]

Back on this site after a long absence

I could write pages on this topic. Here are some of her big recurring complaints, which often lead to big arguments:

1. That I am clumsy and this puts the children in danger (yes I am a bit clumsy at times, but the second part is nonsense. reminder to self - don't mention the second part)
2. That I always prioritize friends and family over her (I barely spend much time with either lately, but any time is too much in her mind)
3. That I react poorly when she's emotionally dysregulated (Yes I have a hard time with it and sometimes express frustration. This in her mind justifies any type of outrageous behavior on her part)
4. That I don't take care of her enough when she is sick (she expects me to drop everything, take time off work and so on - this is a MAJOR point of conflict)
5. That I am not romantic enough (guilty as charged, but the other items above make it difficult for me to feel this way)

Of the above, item (2) causes the biggest arguments and conflicts. Like I said above, I spend very little time away from family these days, mostly because it just creates too much drama.

This weekend I had a very close childhood friend in town who I hadn't seen for years. He wanted to drop by. Cleared this with my wife a week in advance - all good. Of course that morning she suddenly remembered a bunch of URGENT household tasks that needed to be done. How selfish of me to meet up with a childhood friend when these tasks were not complete. Then she had a meltdown about the house not being clean enough to receive guests. (it was not that messy). Then she started complaining about how unfair it was that she'd get stuck with the two kids while my friend was visiting and we were talking. I offer to take the kids to the playground with my friend to give her a break. Ha! Now she accuses me of wanting to hide her from my friend! Heads I don't win, tails I lose. 

Then I explain that I'm going to walk five minutes to the nearby train station to collect him. This triggers another major outburst. I can't believe you're doing this for him - doesn't he have Google Maps on his phone? Make him walk here himself. etc etc. I end up offering to take our 10 month year old daughter to the station with me for a walk to collect him. By this point I am running late. My wife is screaming at me. In the process I end up scratching my daughter when I zip up her jacket. This sends my wife into an even bigger rage.

Two hours later my friend is in our house, the kids both absolutely love him (so my wife gets a break) and she has decided that he's a really nice guy. She's in a good mood for the rest of the day and acts as if all the raging and outbursts never even happened.

Rinse and repeat.

[Red5]

If your W is anything like mine, .

*She is also frustrated/angered by the chaos that she herself has created... .

*Then frustrated/angered with the person who does what they deem necessary to attain order... .

BOOM !

This EXACT same senior happened just yesterday... .not to me, or at me, .but I was showered by the "fallout" created by udx/BPD wife... .humph!

"you said what to him... .well, no wonder he's mad at you, and said that back to you"... ."sorry Babe, maybe you should call him back"

(her S30),

I know  , should have used "SET"... .and a little validation for her, to her... .but sometimes, I just let it happen, ie' consequences... .

Yes, this is reoccurring, but this time, I was not the perceived perpetrator... .

Red5

[PeacePlease88]

That I do not "stick up" for my wife.

[SweetCharlotte]

That I do not "stick up" for my wife.

Yes; that's a classic. If I don't follow his advice, even in a retail situation where we are trying to get a refund for goods or services that were not provided as agreed, then it is a complete and personal betrayal.