Text from the Ex

[jukeboxhero]

A month ago, my ex and I had the worst fight we’ve ever had. I thought it was the final discard. Her preferred method of communication was always facebook/messenger. I blocked her there due to my own anxiety and to stop obsessively checking her page. Last night she sent me a regular SMS text message (for the first time ever). Simply, “Just wanted to say hi! How are things going?”

She could be attempting to triangulate between me and my replacement. She could simply want attention. She could be attempting a recycle. I don’t know, but I’m definitely conflicted about even responding at all. I’m attending my NAMI family support group tonight to talk about it. Any thoughts or advice?

[Cat Familiar]

Apparently she's with someone else now? Are you interested in seeing her or are you done? If you're interested, do you want to re-open that door?

[jukeboxhero]

The day of the fight, she said via text that she "started seeing somebody". During the fight itself, she didn't mention this person. She did, however, brag about being promiscuous.

I said I was done, but I do care about her. I would only be interested if she's in treatment and committed to getting better. (She always starts and stops therapy.) I was advised by my T, this board, and NAMI not to give her an ultimatum though... .

[Long_term_dad]

A month ago, my ex and I had the worst fight we’ve ever had. I thought it was the final discard. Her preferred method of communication was always facebook/messenger. I blocked her there due to my own anxiety and to stop obsessively checking her page. Last night she sent me a regular SMS text message (for the first time ever). Simply, “Just wanted to say hi! How are things going?”

She could be attempting to triangulate between me and my replacement. She could simply want attention. She could be attempting a recycle. I don’t know, but I’m definitely conflicted about even responding at all. I’m attending my NAMI family support group tonight to talk about it. Any thoughts or advice?

I don't see a lot of upside in replying at all given what you've said about your history, unless you hope to get back together. I know that would be hard.   And on that note, given that you're here on this board, I have a feeling you may want to re-engage with the "good parts" but of course with that comes the rest of the package.   Only you can estimate the likelihood of things being different this time... .

When I get a text or an email from my W I almost literally freeze.  We're in the process of splitting up after many years, and so we have plenty of entanglements with kids, property, money and of course emotionally that do require some coordination.  I can be very critical of myself for my reaction (which is extreme anxiety).  Her simple email or text or (gasp) phone call is like a friggin' death star tractor beam for me because I don't want to have the contact yet I feel obligated to and I usually, eventually, get sucked in  I'm spending considerable energy reading and listening to audio books and being here (on this list) to try to understand why it's so compelling to me, so I can disengage from it or counteract it.  The best, most reliable thing I can do is not respond at all, but sometimes that's not practical.  If I could reply via carrier pigeon it would be best for me, , because just engaging with her always leads to questions and suspicion.  I have told her I am jealously guarding my privacy and boundaries when I am queried and that is taken as evidence that I am "sneaking around" in one way or another, and so it devolves.    As I read this I realize how elementary and simple it sounds, but I stress about this a lot.

[Mindfried]

You know what the right answer is in your heart. Do what YOU think is best. My advice is you are out, stay out, stay strong and don't get sucked back in. It's a viscous cycle and they are a bottomless pit that will never be happy no matter what you do or say.

[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately pwBPD rarely stay in therapy long. It's hard for them to fully accept responsibility for their behavior and they usually prefer blaming others and thinking of themselves as victims.

[once removed]

She could be attempting to triangulate between me and my replacement. She could simply want attention. She could be attempting a recycle.

these things happen... .i think that its more likely that she feels badly about how things went down. wants to be on a better note.

do you have any interest in that?

[MeAndPeppa]

A month ago, my ex and I had the worst fight we’ve ever had. I thought it was the final discard. Her preferred method of communication was always facebook/messenger. I blocked her there due to my own anxiety and to stop obsessively checking her page. Last night she sent me a regular SMS text message (for the first time ever). Simply, “Just wanted to say hi! How are things going?”

She could be attempting to triangulate between me and my replacement. She could simply want attention. She could be attempting a recycle. I don’t know, but I’m definitely conflicted about even responding at all. I’m attending my NAMI family support group tonight to talk about it. Any thoughts or advice?

Hey Jukebox!

I can relate (see my last posts for clarification) as I have gone through almost identical with my udexBPD gf... Worst fight weve been in (in front of others) exactly one month ago today. I too typically go on and check her social media, but have not this time and it helps ALOT.

Triangulation was a favorite of hers. In times past we would break up and she would almost instantly have another prospect interested in her (online dating, men she has known from before/or during relationship). I find that when she does come back from our times apart it is typically for two reasons:

1. Checking in to make sure she still has a hook in me, then disappears if I give ANY response
2. It didn't work out with whatever replacement she tried lining up and wants me back

 It depends on what you were looking to accomplish with your interactions. I found times when I didn't want her back I wouldnt respond and she wanted me MORE, which made it hard to stick with my decision as she actively pursued me harder. I found if I wanted a recycle I still wouldn't respond, get the same desired effect, and we would end up in the same nasty cycle we broke up about in the first place.

A bit of reverse phycology going on there as they tend to want what they cant have so my advice would be:

-Figure out what you REALLY wanted from the interaction (its okay to be conflicted, as long as your honestly asking this question for yourself)
-If you wanted her gone and out the picture you could block whatever forms of communication she has left with you and move on with life. In my experience, if you come off as needy or desperate to get her back you will get the same effect (CRAZY HOW THAT WORKS LOL!)
-If you wanted a recycle, I would advise the same, but slowly and tactfully begin to respond after a couple interactions

that has been my personal experience, doesn't make much sense  but it may help you

[jukeboxhero]

these things happen... .i think that its more likely that she feels badly about how things went down. wants to be on a better note.

do you have any interest in that?

I'm more concerned with getting her help than any romantic stuff at this point. I still don't know if she's aware she's BPD, but it's a strong possibility.

In the past, she didn't have a problem saying "sorry for hurting your feelings", "sorry for the emotional turmoil I've caused for you", "I don't want to hurt you, I've done that enough already". So, it's odd she didn't even acknowledge our last/worst fight, or even being blocked. Maybe the guilt/shame is too much to acknowledge?

[Cat Familiar]

If she's like most pwBPDs, it's unlikely that she wants help or even thinks she needs it. Most pwBPDs would rather that others change, not them, and are uncomfortable acknowledging guilt or shame.

 

[once removed]

Maybe the guilt/shame is too much to acknowledge?

remember, not everything people with BPD traits do is about BPD. there are often more simple explanations.

if shes feeling bad about what went down/how things ended, it makes sense to connect lightly. "hey, how are ya!". to the extent she thought about it, she might have determined that immediately bringing up/going into what happened is too heavy, unnecessary.

or its possible the blow out doesnt hold the same significance to her, that she figures things have blown over and so shes reaching out.

in any event, thats how i would treat it. makes things much easier on you in terms of considerations.

I'm more concerned with getting her help than any romantic stuff at this point.

what would this look like? how would it work?

[jukeboxhero]

Well, she started DBT before and quit. She’d have to stay in it this time for the duration of treatment.

I responded to her text message. It was 8 days since her text. She responded in 10 minutes. Later in the day she initiated another text exchange.
I plan on letting her initiate contact, and to suggest getting together first. If she does suggest meeting up, I’m going to make it clear I’m not interested if she’s seeing someone else.

What bothered me, was this. She knows I was taking improvisation classes at a local comedy club. She mentioned seeing a show there recently. When I asked which show, she described a particular "couples only" show… They had one this past weekend. That hurt. I thought of telling her, but what’s the point? I want to ask why she contacted me in the first place. It might be best to not even engage her about it.

[Waddams]

No contact equals no new hurts.  If you're out and away from her drama, I advise keeping it that way.  I understand caring about her, but ask yourself what is in you that thinks tolerating how she treats is worth a relationship with her?  I advise staying in your counseling and learn how to love yourself enough to not let yourself be abused, manipulated, or mistreated.  Until you do that, you'll bounce from one relationship to the next dealing with the same thing over and over.  I'm speaking from experience.

No need to make a grand "don't contact me" statement or anything.  Just stop responding and block her.  This isn't about anger towards her, it's about guarding your own heart from further hurts.

[once removed]

I responded to her text message. It was 8 days since her text. She responded in 10 minutes. Later in the day she initiated another text exchange.
I plan on letting her initiate contact, and to suggest getting together first. If she does suggest meeting up, I’m going to make it clear I’m not interested if she’s seeing someone else.

i guess the question is, are you playing hard to get? that can achieve certain results, but its unclear to me what the goal is. do you want her back, but only if she meets your conditions? are you trying to get some space to detach and just keep contact at a low level?

[jukeboxhero]

I was trying to detach, then she sent me a text message last week. I was debating on whether to respond or not. Right now, I wish I hadn’t.

In the past, I would always offer to meetup or suggest an activity when she reached out. When she was not communicating, I would try to initiate conversation. I need to stop the codependent behaviors and start setting consistent boundaries. She needs to make an effort. I need to stop enabling her.

[once removed]

I need to stop the codependent behaviors and start setting consistent boundaries.

what might boundaries look like in this situation?

[jukeboxhero]

So, the next day we had a storm in the area that caused some people to lose power. She texted asking how I faired in the storm. I responded politely, but didn’t extend an offer to meetup like usual. The following day, Saturday, she asked if I was attending an art show/festival this weekend. I just said, “maybe”. She offered to meetup that afternoon and walk around together, and she might bring her dog. I knew she was “seeing somebody” so I said, “I don’t think your boyfriend would like that”. Her response, “I don’t see why that would be a problem, it would just be me and the dog.” In other words, her boyfriend wouldn’t know about us seeing each other. I replied, “it’s disrespectful to him”. Now, in retrospect I could have said that she’s been disrespectful to me, as well as emotionally abusive. Her response was as follows:

“Why would that be? He and I both have friends of the opposite gender. He is still very good friends with a couple girls he dated. But I guess that’s not something that you understand, so let’s just drop it. Take care and have a good day.”

I’m not used to setting and enforcing boundaries consistently, but I think I did ok in this instance. I also think I may have prevented a recycle attempt. I figure she was trying to triangulate between me and her new guy. I would actually like a recycle, but only if it’s in the context of a healthy relationship this time, but that’s unlikely.

[once removed]

jbh, sometimes a walk around together is just a walk around together.

a boundary, in this case, would look very different. if you think her boyfriend would object, thats understandable, and its respectful of you not to engage. i dont know if you need, in this case, to tell her that, or put it on her, when the offer was likely benign.

i also dont know if this is the best route to recycling the relationship, but if you respect her relationship, thats a tricky road and another subject.

[jukeboxhero]

jbh, sometimes a walk around together is just a walk around together.

Maybe for a normal person, but not a pwBPD, and not her.
Maybe I’m not giving the full context about the situation. I’m judging this based on our prior interactions, specifically the last time I tried reaching out to her.

a boundary, in this case, would look very different.

What would it look like? My psychiatrist agreed it was a good boundary, or limit. I’m seriously trying to learn to set healthy boundaries. What would you suggest?

if you think her boyfriend would object, thats understandable, and its respectful of you not to engage. i dont know if you need, in this case, to tell her that, or put it on her, when the offer was likely benign.

If I showed her that I’m ok with this, then I would have no grounds to object to her doing the same thing in a recycled relationship with me.

Looking at things in context, and based on history, she would be triangulating between me and the other guy. I’m not enabling her drama anymore. She wants emotional intimacy with me, and physical intimacy with the other guy, I’m not playing her games anymore.

i also dont know if this is the best route to recycling the relationship, but if you respect her relationship, thats a tricky road and another subject.

Yeah, it’s not the ideal route, but it’s what I have to work with. I don’t particularly respect her current relationship or the other guy, but she needs to start respecting me. I need to start having self respect.

The easiest way to a recycle would have been to agree to the meetup. However, it wouldn’t be healthy, and I would be repeating my same codependent behaviors.

I have multiple goals here: (1) stopping my codependency/enabling, (2) getting her to start and stay in treatment, and (3) recycling the relationship. I don’t know if these are all possible, but 1 and 2 are the most important.

[formflier]

  I was debating on whether to respond or not. Right now, I wish I hadn’t.

 

There are some good questions about boundaries on here... .

I encourage you to think of boundaries as a tool to protect you... .to protect your feelings. 

Also encourage you to realize that you won't get the boundary right sometimes.  One of the ways you will know that is because of how you feel about things... if your feelings are hurt.

Take a look at the bold.  How do you think boundaries could prevent shoulda/coulda/woulda in the future?

FF

[once removed]

What would it look like? My psychiatrist agreed it was a good boundary, or limit. I’m seriously trying to learn to set healthy boundaries. What would you suggest?

not taking a walk with her because you feel it would be disrespectful to her boyfriend/relationship (or disrespectful to you) is a boundary and a limit. a noble one.

sometimes our boundaries can be rigid, or we dont necessarily communicate them in the healthiest or most mature way. in this case, if i were you, and i didnt want to go on the walk, id have just politely declined.

Looking at things in context, and based on history, she would be triangulating between me and the other guy. I’m not enabling her drama anymore. She wants emotional intimacy with me, and physical intimacy with the other guy, I’m not playing her games anymore.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, i think you are going to want to learn to read her, learn to read others, better. this sounds like innocent stuff to me, jbh. it sounds like the ice thawed, she still thinks of you fondly and wants you in her life to some degree, so she reached out and suggested a walk, you shut her down kind of passive aggressively where a polite "thanks but no thanks" would have served just fine. i might be wrong about any part of all that, but none of this sounds malicious or like shes trying to have her cake and it eat it with you and the other guy, though it may feel that way.

I don’t particularly respect her current relationship or the other guy, but she needs to start respecting me. I need to start having self respect.

boundaries are more about self respect than making others respect us - we only have so much control over the latter.  

I have multiple goals here: (1) stopping my codependency/enabling, (2) getting her to start and stay in treatment, and (3) recycling the relationship. I don’t know if these are all possible, but 1 and 2 are the most important.

the Bettering board would be more conducive to these goals.

[jukeboxhero]

I just wanted to provide an update. With the weather getting colder and days becoming shorter, I knew that she would start having her usual seasonal depression. That’s the only mental health issue she admitted to initially. So, I just sent her a text message, “Hey, if you ever want to just talk, I’m here.” She responded quickly with a suggestion to meetup for dinner that night. I couldn’t make it due to a prior commitment, but suggested we talk on the phone that night. She delayed responding for several hours, then just said she was too tired to talk. The rest of the week she made excuses why we couldn’t just have a real conversation. However, she reached out and mentioned a Halloween event happening that weekend. I tried giving the benefit of the doubt, regarding my apparent passive aggressive rejection last time.  I had already planned to go to the event anyway, so I suggested we go together. I mentioned the event to some friends, who wanted to go also, if nothing else, to provide emotional support.

The day of the event, she texted asking how I was feeling about it. I said that I was anxious, I had wanted to talk before spending time together again. I asked if she wanted to have dinner together before the event. She responded with a rather long, rambling message, expressing her anxiety and mixed emotions about spending time together. She said she was sorry, and asked if I could go with someone else. I just responded, asking if I could call her. She never responded, and still hasn’t to this day, it’s been about 2.5 weeks.

I went to the event anyway with friends. An interesting thing happened, my group of friends ended up interacting with another group of friends there. There was a girl in the other group who seemed to like me, we got along very well. I’ve seen her a few times since then, in a group setting, and just the two of us. I’ve been watching for red flags, and there are a few. It looks like I’ll be heading to the detaching board.

[once removed]

I said that I was anxious, I had wanted to talk before spending time together again.

what is it youve been wanting to talk to her about? what is it that you want to say to her?

[jukeboxhero]

I guess I just wanted to see where she was with us. The last time we had seen each other, was the terrible fight in public, she had discarded me for someone else. The location for the event was the same place we had one of our best dates ever, and our first kiss. I thought talking things out before seeing each other again might help mitigate the awkwardness. Clearly, we both had mixed feelings about spending time together.