Is lack of sexual intimacy a predictor of discard?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not only have you been covering for his drug use, you've also been covering for his abysmal behavior towards you as well as his financial irresponsibility.

People often learn through consequences, but when those consequences affect their spouses and children, it's very tempting to do everything you can to prevent the ill effects, and that is what you've been doing for years.

He seems to lack a sense of financial prudence, given his thoughts on selling the house and renting so that he could gamble the proceeds in risky investments. And you've mentioned that he's lost retirement savings in a similar manner. Now that his business is faltering, he wants to plan a vacation.

This puts you in an awkward position of speaking truth to power and squashing those irresponsible dreams. Ideally it would be nice if external circumstances prevented him from doing these irresponsible things, but it seems like it falls upon your shoulders.

What can you do to create more security for yourself and your children? The lawyer's consultation is a good step in this direction.

Your husband is likely to continue to demonstrate these irresponsible behaviors into the future. Knowing this, what can you plan to do to minimize the impact of this upon yourself and your children?

I’m going through with the consultation, irrelevant of what’s currently happening. I need to know in no two terms what can I execute if or more when I would need to.
I’m not doubting even for a moment that this will repeat itself, and likely worse since I didn’t handle it so well. My thoughts and feelings are more clearer now, that he actually did it as I predicted he would. Members on this forum gave me an opportunity to “see” the pattern and remove my “wishful thinking glasses... my husband is sicker then I ever imagined, and unlikely want to seek help. I need to prepare a safety plan with the lawyer.

[snowglobe]

Not only have you been covering for his drug use, you've also been covering for his abysmal behavior towards you as well as his financial irresponsibility.

People often learn through consequences, but when those consequences affect their spouses and children, it's very tempting to do everything you can to prevent the ill effects, and that is what you've been doing for years.

He seems to lack a sense of financial prudence, given his thoughts on selling the house and renting so that he could gamble the proceeds in risky investments. And you've mentioned that he's lost retirement savings in a similar manner. Now that his business is faltering, he wants to plan a vacation.

This puts you in an awkward position of speaking truth to power and squashing those irresponsible dreams. Ideally it would be nice if external circumstances prevented him from doing these irresponsible things, but it seems like it falls upon your shoulders.

What can you do to create more security for yourself and your children? The lawyer's consultation is a good step in this direction.

Your husband is likely to continue to demonstrate these irresponsible behaviors into the future. Knowing this, what can you plan to do to minimize the impact of this upon yourself and your children?

I’m going through with the consultation, irrelevant of what’s currently happening. I need to know in no two terms what can I execute if or more when I would need to.
I’m not doubting even for a moment that this will repeat itself, and likely worse since I didn’t handle it so well. My thoughts and feelings are more clearer now, that he actually did it as I predicted he would. Members on this forum gave me an opportunity to “see” the pattern and remove my “wishful thinking glasses... my husband is sicker then I ever imagined, and unlikely want to seek help. I need to prepare a safety plan with the lawyer.

[snowglobe]

Please... .DO NOT tell your kids anything about this.

If you believe your children need to know something, enlist the help of a trained family therapist.  Let them work through the ethical issues involved.

DO NOT create a triangle with your children.

You and your hubby have issues that affect your children, this is true... .but leave them out of the conflict.

FF

Exactly what I’ve done, slowed down, minimized the drama and emotions. Put the kids to bed, made sure he is alive and went to sleep.

[snowglobe]

I totally agree with FF. However your daughter may already know more than you think, but it's not appropriate to talk about this issue with her.

I’m confident that not my children, nor my parents have even slightest suspicion of the drug use. I’ve become a professional as to how to clean up, lock him in, indicate him after to remove any physical symptoms or otherwise memorabilia

[formflier]

Members on this forum gave me an opportunity to “see” the pattern and remove my “wishful thinking glasses... my husband is sicker then I ever imagined, and unlikely want to seek help. 

What part in the pattern do you play?  What do you see yourself doing?

FF

[Notwendy]

This also helps him to continue using :  I’ve become a professional as to how to clean up, lock him in, indicate him after to remove any physical symptoms or otherwise memorabilia


Let him clean up his own drug mess and or face the embarrassment of being discovered. I agree with not telling the children but if they were to find out, it is the honest truth- their father is a drug addict.

Being in ACA 12 steps a long time, the problem for the children isn't only the drug/alcohol abuse. It's the family pattern of the relationships, the enabling, the cover up, the secrecy. The kids may not know exactly what is up, but they may sense it. Also this family pattern is the norm for them, and so it increases the likelihood they will also marry an addict or become one, or choose a relationship with similar dysfunction. It isn't just the cocaine. It's the relationship dynamics in the family. You may not be able to change your H's habit, but you can change your behavior and that can change the dynamics. By you changing, you can have an impact on your children- even without saying a word about their father to them.