Help and Advise - not sure what i "should" do

[Robbland]

I need some independant help and advise as I dont really have anyone to turn to.
My pwBPD is 40weeks pregnant and due to drop any moment - she is pregnant with someone elses child.
She got pregnant when we split for a couple of months, then maybe stupidly i took her back when she had no where else to go or no one else to turn to, plus I still very much loved her.
She has a 7 year old daughter too.
Previously we all lived together, and when we got back together we all moved into a new house I had just bought - fresh start.
I have my own 8 year old daughter who lives with us thursday to sunday morning, her daughter is with us saturday morning until thursday.

Relations have always been tense between my daughter and my pwBPD - she has very strong feelings about her and the step family arrangement has been particularly testing - I believe my daughter is a lovely good girl, not perfect of course, but not a monster which my pwBPD makes out.

The problem is my pwBPD has now stated that she cannot be in the house at the same time as my daughter!
So i dont know what to do - our relationship is on its last legs, but now with her due any moment, she has declared that she cannot live in the house with my daughter and I cannot have my daughter to stay with me.

Its my house and home, as well as my daughters, and I cannot comprehend telling my daughter she cannot stay - i wont do that, i believe its completely unreasonable and over the top of her to ask. My pwBPD's reasons are for me smallish things, she doesnt like the way my daughter sometimes looks at her, maybe talks back to her sometimes - although I dont witness it, she is sometimes a bit picky at dinner time, and on occasion the girls fight - like normal siblings in my opinion.

My pwBPD is going into fullon meltdown mode - shouting screaming, having panic attacks etc and because i love her i hate this, but i cannot ask my daughter to not come and stay.

My pwBPD is calling me all names under the sun for as she puts it "forcing her to move out while she is heavily pregnant"
I obviously dont feel like im "forcing" her to move out. I wont stop my daughter from coming over, and I have said I will support my pwBPD when she is here to try to ease the situation.

I feel like the worse human in the world, but the tiny bit of my brain that is still thinking sensibly is telling me that im not the bad man she makes me out to be.
I promised to look after her with this baby, and I have tried my utmost despite nothing ever being good enough.

But am I being unreasonable by not letting her stay in my home and making myself and my daughter stay elsewhere at this point in her pregnancy?

Comments advise and opinions welcome!
TIA

[Panda39]

Hi Robbland,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this   but am so glad you found us!  This sounds like a lot of overwhelming emotions and demands.

Frankly, expecting you and your daughter to move out of the house is ridiculous, it is your house.  If she doesn't feel comfortable in the house then she can to choose to leave (stay with a friend, her parents... .)

I'm hearing a lot of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail in your post.  Do you think some of this is going on?  Below is a link to more on FOG... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

To me your first job is to be a parent to your daughter, she deserves to see and stay with her dad at his house.  It is your job because she is your child and is a child to support and protect her.  Your pwBPD is an adult and as much as she would like to convince you otherwise she can take care of herself.  My SO was also worried about his wife's ability to take care of herself if he decided to leave her, his mom told him that she was like a cat and would always land on her feet.  And guess what she has.

My advice is focus more on your daughter.

Hang in there 

Panda39

[Robbland]

Thank you so much for the reply.

I feel so on the edge of coping with what she is saying.

She is melting down, and whenever we talk she will change the focus from my daughter to my treatement of her, to things that ive done wrong in the past.

Given she is about to drop, when she is upset and hysterical, talking about being depressed and having nothing and no reason to go on, it tears me up.
If it wasnt for my daughter I would probably just leave her to it despite it being my house! I just hate seeing her like this.

She does guilt trip me it feels, but obviously im trying to validate whether the things she expects and says are true or unreasonable.
I dont want to be considered a disgusting human for "making" her move out when she is due to have a baby. I dont feel like thats a fair or valid accusation, but words like that sting.

Thanks

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but what is your core value here?

While your focus is on your partner, the partner is an adult and so are you. Your daughter is a child.

How do you think she would process her Daddy telling her she can't live with him because of your BPD partner?

My response to you isn't unbiased. It is from the perspective of a daughter of a BPD mother who was the "black child" in the family. My mother convinced me that I was the reason for her problems with my father. She told me on more than one occasion that they wanted to send me away.  I graduated early and went away to college. I thought their problems were over, and they would be happy and I believed it, until a younger sibling told me that their issues didn't go away. I wasn't the issue,their relationship was. What makes you think sending your D away on your visitation times would be a solution?


I dont want to be considered a disgusting human for "making" her move out when she is due to have a baby. I dont feel like thats a fair or valid accusation, but words like that sting.



So the solution is making your eight year old daughter move out? Does that make you a good human?

[formflier]

The problem is my pwBPD has now stated that she cannot be in the house at the same time as my daughter!
So i dont know what to do - our relationship is on its last legs, but now with her due any moment, she has declared that she cannot live in the house with my daughter and I cannot have my daughter to stay with me.
 

Believe what your pwBPD is telling you.  Please... .believe it. 

She can't be there... .knows she can't be a healthy influence.  Let your pwBPD figure out a living situation that works for her.

I hope you can focus on a living situation that works for your daughter.

FF

[Robbland]

Thanks for the continuing responses.

To be clear, on no account would I ever ask or tell my daughter she cant live with me - i often wondered throughout my relationship with my pwBPD where my hard limits were, and i have found them on my daughter.
It exacerbates her paranoia because she believes i prioritise my daughter over our relationship and her, and she believes that my relationship with her should be no.1 and children come second and benefit from a health and tight relationship between parents(step or other)

Half our problems have been I have always looked after my daughter, even when she clashes with her step mum, my pwBPD. I have always sided with her unless she is obviously in the wrong - i do try to be good father, and disciplline her when appropriate, but my view of discipline and my pwBPD's view are radically different. Shes a shouter and enforcer, im more softly softly talk it out and my pwBPD hates that.

Its just so hard because I know my priority is my daughter, shes my world - I just find it hard given I know what problems my pwBPD now faces - i understand that she doesnt have anywhere else to go(she does have family) and I can see how hard it is for her to view that future, but i'm not forcing this on her.

She has just messaged me now saying she has been referred to a domestic abuse team from her perinatal team!
I havent done anything wrong here!

[Enabler]

She has just messaged me now saying she has been referred to a domestic abuse team from her perinatal team!
I havent done anything wrong here!

Do you believe this happened or do you believe this is her way of upping the FOG?

[Robbland]

As always she makes me question my own sanity, but i do not believe i have emotionally abused her at all!

We disagree, we argue, we fight, we make up, she makes ultimatums, but im not emotionally abusing her or her daughter!

I feel so stupid for getting sucked into thinking we could have a normal relationship.

Do you believe this happened or do you believe this is her way of upping the FOG?

[Enabler]

There is an assumption that abuse is subjective, I feel abused and therefore YOU HAVE abused me. This could be because you used abusive language or terms of denigration in an argument or even just because that was the presidence that was set in the relationship from the outset... .there are many iterations here and I could go on for hours. The crux is, one person feels abused and therefore they believe that the other person MUST be abusing them... .and popular culture validates this.

In my first therapy session my T said "why are you here?", I replied, "because my marriage is falling apart, and I am abusive to my wife and kids". He replies "where did you get the word abusive from?", "Oh, my wife told me I was abusing her" , "do you believe that you are abusive to her?", "well no I don't, yes we argue, I use some terrible language towards her but so does she."... .Now, he could either be the worst T on the planet, I was going to him with an open heart confessing to him that I was a terrible person, OR he was questioning something that had been drummed into me over many many years, that what I was saying and doing was 'abusive' behavior, just because it contradicted what my W would actually like.

I don't know whether or not you are abusive, there's never going to be a good way for me to confirm what you say is the truth or whether you omit any details... .I will leave that soul searching to you. I also don't want to provide you with an emotional-out for dealing with your part of the chaos that's going on in the relationship, that's not healthy either. HOWEVER... .abuse cannot be determined by an arbitrary set of her feelings alone. It is a set of facts as well. A proven set of pre-defined (albeit vague) behaviors that constitutes a GENERALLY ACCEPTED environment of fear, control and menace. Again, I do not want to validate the invalid, but if feeling wronged or asserting a boundary was abuse, every 7yr old who was told they couldn't get an ipad for their birthday could claim abuse and have their parents locked up in prison.

It's a throwaway word that is taken very seriously by many (FOR GOOD REASON IN SOME CASES) and abused by a few to strike the fear of God into others. Here in lies the complication... .she may well feel abused, or should I say she shows the same emotional intensity as normal healthy adult who has been abused. Why? Because she is emotionally sensitive by the sounds of things. Some describe pwBPD as like being a 3rd degree burns victim, even the smallest emotional brush past them can cause them ENORMOUS amounts of emotional pain. So, as far as she is concerned, and as far as those fellow confidants are concerned, she may look and feel like someone who is being emotionally abused. Could you have done anything about this? Possibly, probably not.

[Cat Familiar]

You were trying to be a good guy, taking her in after she got pregnant during a break in your relationship and had nowhere else to go--or so she claimed. You still loved her and hoped it would work out, but she's made things really tense and wants you to choose her over your daughter.

It's your house and you've tried to accommodate her as much as you can, but this is a bottom line criteria for you: you don't believe it's right that your daughter should be forced to leave your home. You love your daughter and want to support her, knowing that she's a good child, who is just feeling a bit stressed by the current step-parent situation.

Meanwhile, your pwBPD is playing on your sympathy, being a very pregnant and depressed woman, and upping the ante--now she's playing the "abuse" card. You really don't want to be seen as a bad person for forcing her to move out so soon before her due date, but she's using this to try and force your daughter out.

Your relationship is hanging by a thread and you have compassion for her and understanding of her current difficulties.

Knowing what you know now about her, how would you have dealt with her when she asked to move in with you after reuniting? What is your plan after she has the baby? Is this a relationship you want to continue?

[Robbland]

I agree with what you have said.
She sent me a link that said see you do all the things in it, i read it and could quite reasonably apply the same logic to her when we argue.

I appreciate that the perception of abuse is in the eyes of the accuser - and that no doubt people feel how they feel, but as you stated, that doesnt mean it is actually "abuse"

I often say things in anger or frustration, but only ever what I would call hometruths - facts that might hurt, but are always facts about her behaviour. I often apologise after.
However I dont believe I say or do anything that is truly abusive.

I just hate being in this situation with someone I love.

I wish I could turn the feelings off like she seems to be able to.

There is an assumption that abuse is subjective, I feel abused and therefore YOU HAVE abused me. This could be because you used abusive language or terms of denigration in an argument or even just because that was the presidence that was set in the relationship from the outset... .there are many iterations here and I could go on for hours. The crux is, one person feels abused and therefore they believe that the other person MUST be abusing them... .and popular culture validates this.

In my first therapy session my T said "why are you here?", I replied, "because my marriage is falling apart, and I am abusive to my wife and kids". He replies "where did you get the word abusive from?", "Oh, my wife told me I was abusing her" , "do you believe that you are abusive to her?", "well no I don't, yes we argue, I use some terrible language towards her but so does she."... .Now, he could either be the worst T on the planet, I was going to him with an open heart confessing to him that I was a terrible person, OR he was questioning something that had been drummed into me over many many years, that what I was saying and doing was 'abusive' behavior, just because it contradicted what my W would actually like.

I don't know whether or not you are abusive, there's never going to be a good way for me to confirm what you say is the truth or whether you omit any details... .I will leave that soul searching to you. I also don't want to provide you with an emotional-out for dealing with your part of the chaos that's going on in the relationship, that's not healthy either. HOWEVER... .abuse cannot be determined by an arbitrary set of her feelings alone. It is a set of facts as well. A proven set of pre-defined (albeit vague) behaviors that constitutes a GENERALLY ACCEPTED environment of fear, control and menace. Again, I do not want to validate the invalid, but if feeling wronged or asserting a boundary was abuse, every 7yr old who was told they couldn't get an ipad for their birthday could claim abuse and have their parents locked up in prison.

It's a throwaway word that is taken very seriously by many (FOR GOOD REASON IN SOME CASES) and abused by a few to strike the fear of God into others. Here in lies the complication... .she may well feel abused, or should I say she shows the same emotional intensity as normal healthy adult who has been abused. Why? Because she is emotionally sensitive by the sounds of things. Some describe pwBPD as like being a 3rd degree burns victim, even the smallest emotional brush past them can cause them ENORMOUS amounts of emotional pain. So, as far as she is concerned, and as far as those fellow confidants are concerned, she may look and feel like someone who is being emotionally abused. Could you have done anything about this? Possibly, probably not.

[Robbland]

I love her, but ultimately I just cant carry on with her I dont think.

Ive been in this cycle before, but this time feels like the last one for me - I cant keep making the sacrifices I have - things I would personally like to do, my friends, my family, my happiness etc etc... for someone who seems unsatisfiable.

She often remembers how we got back together very differently to me - I remember it well, she announced one day that she was going to be allowed to move back in with me by her new boyfriend (the one who got her pregnant) and that she would be able to stay with me whilst she was pregnant, but he probably wouldnt want that to continue when she had had the baby!

In the end she split from him before moving in and we got back together.

Had I known it would end like this(which probably most people looking in could have told me) I dont know that I would have gone through it all - I was in a dark and difficult place after she had left, and was finding moving on extremely hard and difficult. Now I feel more prepared and happy to accept the future will be ok without her.

When she had the baby if we were in a relationship, I was going to continue to support her and both her children as I have tried to do as long as we have been together.

I think I know it has no future, but im too soft or weak to pull the plug myself with her in her current situation - although her new accusations are doing a good job of pushing me that way.

You were trying to be a good guy, taking her in after she got pregnant during a break in your relationship and had nowhere else to go--or so she claimed. You still loved her and hoped it would work out, but she's made things really tense and wants you to choose her over your daughter.

It's your house and you've tried to accommodate her as much as you can, but this is a bottom line criteria for you: you don't believe it's right that your daughter should be forced to leave your home. You love your daughter and want to support her, knowing that she's a good child, who is just feeling a bit stressed by the current step-parent situation.

Meanwhile, your pwBPD is playing on your sympathy, being a very pregnant and depressed woman, and upping the ante--now she's playing the "abuse" card. You really don't want to be seen as a bad person for forcing her to move out so soon before her due date, but she's using this to try and force your daughter out.

Your relationship is hanging by a thread and you have compassion for her and understanding of her current difficulties.

Knowing what you know now about her, how would you have dealt with her when she asked to move in with you after reuniting? What is your plan after she has the baby? Is this a relationship you want to continue?

[Cat Familiar]

You love her, but the question is, does she love you or are you just a soft landing for her?

The new boyfriend was OK with you taking responsibility for her while pregnant, but he wanted that to end once his baby was born, and apparently she had no issue with that.

I've got to say, again, that you're perhaps too nice of a guy. It seems her entire focus is merely upon herself, not upon you and your daughter. She seems to have no care about how her demands impact you and your little girl--it's all about her.

That tells you a lot about who she is. You don't see much future with this relationship. She's drawn some line in the sand demands. And once she has the baby, then what?

I'm far less compassionate of a person than you, but I'd be looking for other options for her ASAP. Having a newborn in the house, she is going to be even more stressed out and demanding. 

[Robbland]

Well that was exactly it - the new boyfriend recognised that wasnt ok and gave her an ultimatum, which eventually meant she exited that relationship if you can call it that.

I often ask myself if I am just a soft landing, and the answer is i dont know - somedays i believe she loves me, somesdays i just dont know.

I recognise in this sort of situation I am a bit weak and too "nice" currently she has said if my daughter comes over on thursday which she will, then my pwBPD will not be there, and will not return.

as hard as this is, thats the easiest option for me as I just "do nothing"

but with her nothing is ever as easy or straight forward as it sounds, so im wary for the next twist.

I always promised her i wouldnt ask her to leave - especially with her situation and i was always happy to standby that - ive no desire to make her and her daughter and new born to be homeless, but i wont make my daughter leave, and i wont leave myself.
If she cant deal with that, then its her choice, no matter how much she tries to put it on me.

You love her, but the question is, does she love you or are you just a soft landing for her?

The new boyfriend was OK with you taking responsibility for her while pregnant, but he wanted that to end once his baby was born, and apparently she had no issue with that.

I've got to say, again, that you're perhaps too nice of a guy. It seems her entire focus is merely upon herself, not upon you and your daughter. She seems to have no care about how her demands impact you and your little girl--it's all about her.

That tells you a lot about who she is. You don't see much future with this relationship. She's drawn some line in the sand demands. And once she has the baby, then what?

I'm far less compassionate of a person than you, but I'd be looking for other options for her ASAP. Having a newborn in the house, she is going to be even more stressed out and demanding. 

[formflier]

It exacerbates her paranoia because she believes i prioritise my daughter over our relationship and her, and she believes that my relationship with her should be no.1 and children come second and benefit from a health and tight relationship between parents(step or other)
 

I hope you confirmed her paranoia was NOT paranoia and it was the truth.

That your daughter is prioritized over her.

I also hope that you believe your pwBPD when she explains her values.  At first glance, it doesn't seem that you guys share "core values".

FF

[Robbland]

Yes, I guess when I say paranoia I mean she believes I prioritize my daughter in an unhealthy way - i.e do anything she asks.
I do prioritize my daughter when appropriate and she continues to be my main priority in my life.

I do believe her core values, and we so often argue on symantics - I think we do share core values, but her interpretation of implementation and mine are where it starts to go south.
I believe my daughter should finish her meal at dinner time, as does she. However I will give my daughter as much time as she needs to do so - I dont believe dinner should be a rush, and whilst sometimes she takes a seriously long time, I dont like a stressful dinner time. My pwBPD would have everyone finish in record time and everything should be a rush with children always eating "correctly" despite the fact they are 7 and 8. I agree they should strive to have good manners, but I acknowledge they are still young and am happy with reminders and leaneancy... .
And so it continues... .

However having said that, I dont know I can keep up this relentless pursuit of "what makes her happy".

I hope you confirmed her paranoia was NOT paranoia and it was the truth.

That your daughter is prioritized over her.

I also hope that you believe your pwBPD when she explains her values.  At first glance, it doesn't seem that you guys share "core values".

FF

[Panda39]

I do believe her core values, and we so often argue on symantics -

You describe a core value of yours, putting your daughter before your relationship.

vs

Her putting your relationship with her before your daughter.

See the conflict here?

Panda39

[formflier]

Yes, I guess when I say paranoia I mean she believes I prioritize my daughter in an unhealthy way - i.e do anything she asks.
 

I didn't get from what you posted that your pwBPD thought you had an unhealthy attachment to your daughter.

Perhaps it's wise to back up and get it as close to what she actually said as possible.  I took it as a  "pick me or her" moment.

Allowing a child to live in a house and a debate about your daughter finishing her meal in a timely fashion are two totally different things, unless I'm missing something.

Am I missing something?


OK... .I've got to ask.

Why on earth does your pwBPD express an opinion about your parenting?  Just to be clear... .has she adopted the child or does she have a guardianship?

Likely I've missed part of the story... .that happens from time to time.

FF

[Robbland]

My pwBPD thinks that I have single father guilt syndrome and all sorts of problems because she thinks I cannot discipline my daughter and I let her run riot over the house. I disagree with this.

Her pick me or her moment - was her saying that she cannot be in the same house as my daughter and therefore I need to not have my daughter stay. To which I have said thats not happening, its my house and its her home, she stays with me. My pwBPD then basically said if she comes over on Thursday which is when she is next due over, she will not be here, and if she has to move out because of this she wont come back - pick me or her basically.

She hasnt guardianship or adoption - she believes that as we are a couple, we should parent both children identically and generally speaking her way!
She believes that my perceived lack of discipline and alignment to her parenting and rule and regulations affect her daughter who constantly plays into her mums vibes of life is unfair, my daughter always gets away with everything, shes always treated specially etc etc.
She has made me believe too that if we are in a relationship we should have synergy in our parenting of the mutual step children. As I mentioned above, I have crossed many lines to remain in a relationship with her, including changing how I would choose to parent my child if I was single - to be clear I have never sacrificed her, but I have enforced discipline where personally I probably wouldnt have bothered.

My pwBPD constantly criticises me for not "having her back" she says I always side with my daughter and not her and if the two of them conflict - i.e my daughter says one thing and my pwBPD says another, I side with my daughter - and to be fair i often do - I trust my daughter and believe the things she says - maybe im naieve but I always think my daughter tells me the truth when it matters.
My pwBPD also strongly believes that if anyone ever says anything bad about her, either to me or her, I should verciforously defend her to the death.

An example of this was when my daughters step dad on the other side came to collect her one time, he was very kurt and to be honest a bit rude.
I let it go as i simply dont care - as far as I am concerned thats his problem.
My pwBPD went mental saying I was letting him be rude to people in my house, I didnt defend her when he didnt respond to her saying hello etc... etc... and demanded I text him immediately to tell him how out of line he was and this is exactly why my daughter is rude because she must get it from him.
I said i wasnt bothered, but if she felt so strongly she could text him.
She did indeed text him and tell him she felt his behaviour was out of line and inappropriate, he didnt reply to her, instead messaged me saying he apologised if he was rude. She didnt like that and continues to this day to rebuke me for not having her back in this and other occasions like it.

I dont think you are missing something - for me, my pwBPD is an adult, and even if my daughter was rude to her - she is 8. As an adult we just "put up" with that sort of stuff - especially in blended families.

Thanks all for the continued responses, it is really helping me to keep perspective and not feel so bad.

I didn't get from what you posted that your pwBPD thought you had an unhealthy attachment to your daughter.

Perhaps it's wise to back up and get it as close to what she actually said as possible.  I took it as a  "pick me or her" moment.

Allowing a child to live in a house and a debate about your daughter finishing her meal in a timely fashion are two totally different things, unless I'm missing something.

Am I missing something?


OK... .I've got to ask.

Why on earth does your pwBPD express an opinion about your parenting?  Just to be clear... .has she adopted the child or does she have a guardianship?

Likely I've missed part of the story... .that happens from time to time.

FF

[Robbland]

That is a good way to put it, and to be honest, you are right.

Her core value is she comes above everything, mine is she is second to my daughter but that doesnt mean i dont value her or wont look after her, but to her its black and white, you put me first or you dont and if you dont you cant love me or value me.

You describe a core value of yours, putting your daughter before your relationship.

vs

Her putting your relationship with her before your daughter.

See the conflict here?

Panda39

[Long_term_dad]

I need some independant help and advise as I dont really have anyone to turn to.
My pwBPD is 40weeks pregnant and due to drop any moment - she is pregnant with someone elses child.
She got pregnant when we split for a couple of months, then maybe stupidly i took her back when she had no where else to go or no one else to turn to, plus I still very much loved her.
She has a 7 year old daughter too.
Previously we all lived together, and when we got back together we all moved into a new house I had just bought - fresh start.
I have my own 8 year old daughter who lives with us thursday to sunday morning, her daughter is with us saturday morning until thursday.

Relations have always been tense between my daughter and my pwBPD - she has very strong feelings about her and the step family arrangement has been particularly testing - I believe my daughter is a lovely good girl, not perfect of course, but not a monster which my pwBPD makes out.

The problem is my pwBPD has now stated that she cannot be in the house at the same time as my daughter!
So i dont know what to do - our relationship is on its last legs, but now with her due any moment, she has declared that she cannot live in the house with my daughter and I cannot have my daughter to stay with me.

Its my house and home, as well as my daughters, and I cannot comprehend telling my daughter she cannot stay - i wont do that, i believe its completely unreasonable and over the top of her to ask. My pwBPD's reasons are for me smallish things, she doesnt like the way my daughter sometimes looks at her, maybe talks back to her sometimes - although I dont witness it, she is sometimes a bit picky at dinner time, and on occasion the girls fight - like normal siblings in my opinion.

My pwBPD is going into fullon meltdown mode - shouting screaming, having panic attacks etc and because i love her i hate this, but i cannot ask my daughter to not come and stay.

My pwBPD is calling me all names under the sun for as she puts it "forcing her to move out while she is heavily pregnant"
I obviously dont feel like im "forcing" her to move out. I wont stop my daughter from coming over, and I have said I will support my pwBPD when she is here to try to ease the situation.

I feel like the worse human in the world, but the tiny bit of my brain that is still thinking sensibly is telling me that im not the bad man she makes me out to be.
I promised to look after her with this baby, and I have tried my utmost despite nothing ever being good enough.

But am I being unreasonable by not letting her stay in my home and making myself and my daughter stay elsewhere at this point in her pregnancy?

Comments advise and opinions welcome!
TIA

Just a quick note to say 1) It's great that you are here and sharing - keep coming and keep sharing - and 2) it is completely unreasonable that she asks you and or your daughter to move from your own home.

[Notwendy]

Although your GF tells you her reasons for being upset about your attention to your daughter, they are only her interpretation of your affection for the child. I think it would help to read about the Karpman Drama Triangle to understand her perspective. She takes victim perspective when it comes to the child. She may feel the child is some competition for your love and affection. That's absurd. A man can love his romantic partner, and his mother, and his sister, and his daughter- all in different ways. One does not subtract from the other, but a pwBPD can see it this way.

The other board- dealing with a parent, in law, etc has many sad stories from mothers and siblings who have family members married to a BPD woman who has insisted they cut off their family contacts. Members here have posted similar concerns about their wives not wanting them to see their family. The family members are heartbroken, they love their sons, brothers, fathers and grieve when they are cut off from them to please the spouse with BPD.

Growing up, I adored my father. I considered him to be my only parent. My BPD mother did not like the connection I had with him. She didn't like it when he paid attention to me. Our relationship was determined by her. She listened in on our phone calls. She read my e mails to him and if she was angry at me, she'd paint me black to him. Ultimately she also made him choose and he chose her. That was very difficult to comprehend, and I was middle age. Your child is only 8!

Maybe your D acts up sometimes - maybe she is angry at your GF. I don't blame her. She's a kid, she has not done anything to deserve how this woman perceives her, or treats her.

As an adult, what feels sad for me is not that my father didn't stand up for me- he didn't stand up for himself and his right to love his daughter, or his mother, or his sister. If you choose to stay with this woman, it is important for you to defend what is important to you.The problem isn't your daughter, it's her projections on to her- making her the problem.

[formflier]

As an adult, what feels sad for me is not that my father didn't stand up for me- he didn't stand up for himself and his right to love his daughter, or his mother, or his sister. If you choose to stay with this woman, it is important for you to defend what is important to you.The problem isn't your daughter, it's her projections on to her- making her the problem.

This is a very important perspective for you to understand... .

You have a responsibility to your daughter that predates your relationship with this woman. 

This woman in your house has let your know that she cannot live/be/exist in the same house as your daughter lives in.  Please believe her

While her statement might be extreme, I would hope you can look at her other behavior/statements and see how it lines up.

Please believe her that she can't

Where does that leave things?

FF

[Robbland]

Amazing post.
Thank you, it almost brought a tear to my eye hearing about your experience.
I will never abandon my daughter nor stop sticking up for her.
She is the most important thing in my world and she deserves people in her life who recognise her qualities.

Thanks again.

Although your GF tells you her reasons for being upset about your attention to your daughter, they are only her interpretation of your affection for the child. I think it would help to read about the Karpman Drama Triangle to understand her perspective. She takes victim perspective when it comes to the child. She may feel the child is some competition for your love and affection. That's absurd. A man can love his romantic partner, and his mother, and his sister, and his daughter- all in different ways. One does not subtract from the other, but a pwBPD can see it this way.

The other board- dealing with a parent, in law, etc has many sad stories from mothers and siblings who have family members married to a BPD woman who has insisted they cut off their family contacts. Members here have posted similar concerns about their wives not wanting them to see their family. The family members are heartbroken, they love their sons, brothers, fathers and grieve when they are cut off from them to please the spouse with BPD.

Growing up, I adored my father. I considered him to be my only parent. My BPD mother did not like the connection I had with him. She didn't like it when he paid attention to me. Our relationship was determined by her. She listened in on our phone calls. She read my e mails to him and if she was angry at me, she'd paint me black to him. Ultimately she also made him choose and he chose her. That was very difficult to comprehend, and I was middle age. Your child is only 8!

Maybe your D acts up sometimes - maybe she is angry at your GF. I don't blame her. She's a kid, she has not done anything to deserve how this woman perceives her, or treats her.

As an adult, what feels sad for me is not that my father didn't stand up for me- he didn't stand up for himself and his right to love his daughter, or his mother, or his sister. If you choose to stay with this woman, it is important for you to defend what is important to you.The problem isn't your daughter, it's her projections on to her- making her the problem.

[formflier]

  sticking up for her.
 

What does "sticking up for her" look like?  What actions are you willing to take, now that things have been clarified about the living situation?

FF

[Robbland]

Half my problem in this relationship has been my lack of strength to walk away.

I know when I defend my daughter she will not hear it.

I will not back down. She said she won't be with my daughter on Thursdays and therefore it should end then, but I've been here so many times I'm reluctant to be confident.

What I do have is validation that my choices and my prioritising my daughter is right, proper and OK. And for that I'm very grateful.

This is a very important perspective for you to understand... .

You have a responsibility to your daughter that predates your relationship with this woman. 

This woman in your house has let your know that she cannot live/be/exist in the same house as your daughter lives in.  Please believe her

While her statement might be extreme, I would hope you can look at her other behavior/statements and see how it lines up.

Please believe her that she can't

Where does that leave things?

FF

[formflier]

  my lack of strength to walk away.
 

Flip it... .you are putting all of this on you.

"I'll take you at your word that you can't live with my daughter.  As you know, she is the priority in my life and will continue to live with me."

Nothing more needs to be said.  You don't have to walk anywhere... .it's your house.  She is the one that has decided she can't live under your roof.  Please believe her... .

FF

[Robbland]

Pretty much just had that conversation with her.
She screamed at me shouted at me for not letting her stay here until she gives birth which could be another few weeks.
I said these are your choices, you are welcome to stay but my daughter is my priority.

Its so traumatic being screamed at and having someone so upset and emotional.

Can't wait for it to be over.

Flip it... .you are putting all of this on you.

"I'll take you at your word that you can't live with my daughter.  As you know, she is the priority in my life and will continue to live with me."

Nothing more needs to be said.  You don't have to walk anywhere... .it's your house.  She is the one that has decided she can't live under your roof.  Please believe her... .

FF

[formflier]

I said these are your choices, you are welcome to stay but my daughter is my priority.
 

So... .wait... .she can stay?  Are you believing that she can't live with your daughter?

What specifically will YOU do when she "proves" she can't live in the same house?  As in screams at daughter, screams at you in front of daughter.

Hey... listen.  Please believe her.  She is not able to live in the same house as your daughter.  This is her judgment... not yours or someone elses.

FF

[formflier]

I said these are your choices, you are welcome to stay but my daughter is my priority.

Do you see how you got it "right" in the first part... .these are her choices?  Spot on.


How is it that any of us should "save" someone from their own choices? Don't buy into the FOG where she tries to have it be "your decision" to let her stay a few more weeks.  Were you the one that forced the choice and announced that you couldn't live with your daughter?  Absolutely not... .

Don't buy into the FOG.  Don't even listen to it... .

Believe her when she tells you what she is not capable of doing.

FF