Hi there...i need help... adopted daughter

[Mariposas]

Our adopted daughter is a lovely young lady.  She came into our lives a few years ago and we didnt know about her eating disorder at the time.  We went through therapy with her and tried, but we ended up hurting her in so many ways.  In the past few months, she's exhibited more BPD behavior... .the rage, I always thought it was jus the ED, but her volatility seems so much more than normal.  I think I've inadvertently hurt her in trying to help her.  

I've tried to repair and  I apologize but that's meaningless to her also.  She says I"ve apologized so many times, it's lost it's meaning.  I thought validating was being a doormat a bit, because any time I tried saying even a little of the truth, it turned into an argument. I see that I"m to validate truth.  It's incredibly hurtful when she says I'm not there for her when I'd given all of me and it felt like it wasn't enough.  

I see now after reading your site, how someone with BPD doesn't experience relationship the same as I do... .how damaging some of what I've done is... .I thought I was in an emotionally abusive relationship , but she truly can't help it... .I see the anxiety escalating to where it's gone past a boiling point and she can hardly tolerate my presence... .what do I do?:

I feel awful... .the more I try, it seems the worse it gets.  I'm so grateful for finding your site... .I thought I was crazy.  I know I'm not perfect in this, my stuff gets hooked too, but I can't reason with this... .how can I help her

I know she loves me, we've been through so much bad stuff, but I don't want to hurt her anymore and it seems like that's all I do...  :-(  I came here out of desperation to try something, anything different to heal our relationship.  She is an incredibly gifted young lady...

My husband and I are in individual therapy and marriage counseling.  She is in recovery from her eating disorder and in individual therapy as well.  I test as a helper on the enneagream... .
Thank you for your time... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Mariposas and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for what you are experiencing with your daughter but I am glad you found us. 

It sounds like you have already done a lot of reading on the site so that is good.  It is not uncommon for people to find out that everything they have tried is sometimes the not the best thing that can be done with a pwBPD (person with BPD).  As you said, your daughter's brain is wired differently so of course what seems natural to us will not work a lot of the time.  Try not to be too hard on yourself about that.  Now that you know you can do things differently.

I am glad to hear that you and your husband are also in therapy as having a support system for yourself is so important.  You can now add this board to your list of supports too! 

Can you tell us more about your situation?  Does your daughter live with you?  How old is she? 

I feel awful... .the more I try, it seems the worse it gets.  I'm so grateful for finding your site... .I thought I was crazy.  I know I'm not perfect in this, my stuff gets hooked too, but I can't reason with this... .how can I help her

So many of our members have gone or are going through this.  No one is perfect and of course your stuff gets 'hooked' too.  It does for everyone. 

I hope you really dig in here and make yourself at home, read, post, join in other peoples threads.  It will help to not only build a support network in a safe place where people understand but it also helps you when you can see your own situation in other peoples threads.  Seeing echoes of your situation takes away that feeling of isolation and can really help you to focus on solutions and how to take care of you as well.

I don't normally post on this board but I did want to say welcome and let you know that you are in a good place to work on this and talk with people who understand.  It is good to come here when you are in crisis but it really helps when you come here when things are okay or even good.  It is so much easier to think and process things when we are feeling more stable ourselves. 

I do want to direct you over to the right hand side of the page where you will find lots of links to read through.  It can be kind of overwhelming so take it slow.  I would suggest you start with one of the tools called "Be Self-Aware and of WiseMind.  I said it earlier but self-care is going to be vital in this.

Again, welcome!  You are not alone.  We get it here.

[Turkish]

How do you think you hurt or invalidated her?

Turkish (myself adopted)

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Mariposas,

I too am the mom of an adopted daughter with undiagnosed BPD. I'd like to echo Turkish's question. What have you said or done that makes you think you've hurt her?

One thing it took me a long time to realize and I still struggle with is that you cannot ever work harder than they are willing to work or care more about them than they care about themselves. I always felt like if I said exactly the right thing or did exactly the right thing she would get better. But it doesn't work that way.

Since she's already in treatment can you get her into a dialectical behavioral therapy program? It's effective for eating disorders too and it's really the only accepted treatment for BPD.

One thing you'll learn on this site is that while the abusive words are understandable they are not excusable. You can find ways to set boundaries with her to protect yourself and help her get better. Your job is not to be her verbal punching bag.

Sending you lots of hugs. Go easy on yourself.