I am trying to protect my children, and I want my wife to get help. She refuses to get help. The marriage is over and cannot be salvaged. I am tired of being blamed for being the “bad” guy. It is exhausting and painful.
"I am trying to protect my children... ." That is your priority at this point.
"and I want my wife to get help... ." Don't expect a 'fix'. Court usually deals with the parents as they are. Most courts seem to order Parenting Classes but that's for all divorces. It may order Anger Management in some more extreme cases but, again, it doesn't try much more than that. For that reason, you need to present documentation of the poor behavior to obtain as appropriate an order as possible. Courts move slowly, often starting with their 'standard' orders so it is imperative you do your best to inform the judge of the specific issues so you don't get a one-size-fits-all temp order.
Be aware temp order hearings are quite brief, mine was maybe 30 minutes at most. Make your time there count. Don't get sidetracked or derailed by less important complaints. Your lawyer may say temp orders don't matter much. Mine estimated my case would be 7-9 months. He was so wrong, my case took nearly two years from filing to final decree. Most here had divorces that took 1 to 2 years, a few even longer. You don't want to be struggling with a long but lousy temp order, the court may not be inclined to fix what is supposedly a 'temporary' order.
My then-spouse had split me black months before our marriage's implosion. Post separation it only ramped up more. That's just the way it was and didn't decrease until after the divorce was over. She was still very entitled and that didn't weaken enough to be considered 'manageable' until a few years later when I had both legal custody and majority time.
We started out with our county's typical orders. I had two temp orders, one for the separation and another for the divorce, both cast me as the alternate weekend dad (I was the one that worked a regular 5 days a week work schedule) and had me paying my ex child support during the divorce case. This didn't make sense because (1) when we were first in domestic relations court for a temp order I was protected in a Threat of DV case in municipal court and had temporary possession of the home, and (2) during the 3 months between the orders she blocked all contact with our preschooler and all the magistrate did was reinstate the prior parenting schedule, no make up time for me and no consequences for her.
Odds are, unless the court sees your spouse as a risk to your children (substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment) she will likely get at least some parenting time. That's why you having documentation of her poor parenting behaviors will really help you. (Her conflict with you and lack of cooperation with parenting won't have as much weight and concern with court, you're both adults whereas the children as minors get more protection from the court.)
Also understand that court won't try to protect the children from every little negative, whether verbal or physical. Your lawyer should be able to help you determine what the court may likely consider 'actionable'.
The longer you have majority parenting time, the better the History of parenting time. Of course, if it's contested now, then court may ignore the more recent time while the conflict has been heightened unless you can convincingly describe why that was best.
She has expressed thoughts of suicide throughout our marriage.
Do you have documentation of her suicidal threats or expressions? Emails, texts, witnesses? Whether she is truly suicidal or not, those thoughts can question how much responsibility she ought to have with custody or parenting. Of course, expect her to deny it, along with any other poor behaviors. That's why documentation is so helpful. Court is all too willing to view unsupported "he said... .she said... ." as too vague and therefore weak hearsay.
Also of help may be her mental health history, if she's been evaluated at a hospital or in therapy. Most of our ex-spouses Denied their issues and refused therapy so that contributed to seeking resolution in divorce court. BPD is a disorder more evident the closer the relationship. You were too close to your spouse for the emotional baggage of the relationship to let her really listen and respond to you. It's that Blaming and Blame Shifting on steroids.
As for her family bad-mouthing you, that's only to be expected. Likely she's their information source and you know what sort of slanted claims she's telling them. Also, too often blood is thicker than water. She's their relative, you're just the guy she married. It may be similar with
mutual friends too. You may feel they can all be trusted to have good sense and observations but you won't know for sure until they side with her.
Panda's recommendation of Bill Eddy's
SPLITTING is
crucial in our high conflict cases. If you haven't read it already, get it ASAP.
