How can I affirm my daughter?

[Mariposas]

Hi there... .
I posted an introduction a couple of days ago, but I'm wondering, once my daughter has decided I'm not there for her... .is there anyway to change that perspective or will it remain?  I only recently realize how much our normal intertaction has deeply hurt her... .I realize how much she needed us to slow down and really pay attention.  Several of my friends had labeled her as manipulative, and a few even said she was emotionally abusive to me... .now I see, it is the illness... That makes sense... .I know my daughter and I know her heart for others and to see this rage triggered usually by some rash change or a moment of feeling unheard, it does release a rage that is overpowering... .

Any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Mariposas!  

It is hard to say really.  Usually my advice is to wait it out and just do what you can to validate and begin using the communication tools you are learning.  (they are listed over on the right hand side of the page... .click on them for a pop up to more info).  

It is a long slow process though and you have to also make sure you protect yourself.  While your daughter may not be intentionally manipulating and emotionally abusing you sometimes it can play out that way.  I do not believe people with BPD deliberately plan out their behaviors.  Rather I see it as poor emotional regulation and a frantic effort to try to stabilize so I agree with you, it is the illness.

Here is an article that I hope you find helpful.

Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship

[Feeling Better]

Hello there Mariposas,

I just want to say that I think Harri has offered you some good advice.

I'm wondering, once my daughter has decided I'm not there for her... .is there anyway to change that perspective or will it remain? 

That is a really hard question to answer Mariposas, I guess it depends on how your daughter is herself. Speaking from my own personal experience I know that once my uBPD son had decided that his truth was the only truth then there was nothing that I could do that would alter that, but as I say, that was my son and your daughter could be completely different.

Several of my friends had labeled her as manipulative, and a few even said she was emotionally abusive to me... .now I see, it is the illness... That makes sense... .I know my daughter and I know her heart for others and to see this rage triggered usually by some rash change or a moment of feeling unheard, it does release a rage that is overpowering... .

Any ideas?

I can see how your friends would view her as being manipulative and emotionally abusive, one of my daughters witnessed my son’s behaviour and his attitude towards me and she did her utmost to try and get me to realise it. The thing was that I did realise it, but I knew that he was ill and I didn’t know what his illness was and I most certainly didn’t have a clue what to do or how to help him.

I think, and this is just my opinion others might have other suggestions, that as your daughter doesn’t believe that you are there for her, you will have to “prove” to her that you are. Keep telling her that you are there for her and that you love her. Read and learn as much as you can about BPD.

I read this in your previous post:

I've tried to repair and  I apologize but that's meaningless to her also.  She says I"ve apologized so many times, it's lost it's meaning.  I thought validating was being a doormat a bit, because any time I tried saying even a little of the truth, it turned into an argument. I see that I"m to validate truth.  It's incredibly hurtful when she says I'm not there for her when I'd given all of me and it felt like it wasn't enough. 

I also got told (by my uBPD son) that I’d apologised so many times that it had lost it’s meaning so I know how hurtful that can be. Apart from that it just leaves you feeling even more desperate, not knowing what to do, which way to turn. I have finally stopped apologising to my son, it’s taken me a long time and it’s thanks to the advice of others.

As to validation, there is an excellent video on this site that I have watched a few times now and I can recommend it:

Validation

Look forward to hearing to hearing your thoughts x