No reconciliation this time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

     I recently made the decision to divorce my UBPD wife. We originally were going to divorce in 2013 due to the false accusation (later I found out she was cheating on me). We got very close to being finalized with our divorce two years later. I only got visitation and paid my wife child support. The wife gave me an ultimatum of reconciling or she was going to attempt to get a “move away order” that would allow her to take my daughter and herself 1,000 miles to live with her family. My attorney advised me to agree with the reconciliation. He told me we would lose the “move away” case.

     Things went well for the first six months. My wife and daughter moved to the town I was living at and we bought a house. Things began to go bad soon after. My wife’s being nice to me was fading as I was turned to “black” again. She began to go back to old habits of verbal and physical abuse against myself. She then developed major substance abuse issues with alcohol. Over the last few years, we have had to deal with substance abuse, possible drug abuse, multiple affairs, CPS reports. She went to the hospital emergency room twice for alcohol poisoning. She went to out-patient alcohol treatment but disappeared for seven days. She stopped the alcohol abuse for a little while. Now my concern is that she might be on drugs.

     At the current moment, we had a major incident which feels like it may have drug induced.  She tore up her bedroom, made noise so loud neighbor called the police. It got so bad the police was called and had to do a 5150 but they only kept her for 4 hours. She returned, tore up the kitchen and her behavior continued until day four I had to call and request a restraining order. On day six she was served restraining order. Days after she got the restraining order her parents put her in a psychiatric hospital and she has stayed there for over a week. Now we go to court in November due to getting a continuance on the case. I also have since got an attorney who will represent me on the case and will also serve as my divorce attorney. I am at the point of not wanting to reconcile and go ahead with the divorce. I do not want to take the chance of my daughter going to a foster home due to my wife’s behavior. I am putting in for 100% custody of my daughter but we will see what happens next. 

[hurtguy2014]

     I recently made the decision to divorce my UBPD wife. We originally were going to divorce in 2013 due to the false accusation (later I found out she was cheating on me). We got very close to being finalized with our divorce two years later. I only got visitation and paid my wife child support. The wife gave me an ultimatum of reconciling or she was going to attempt to get a “move away order” that would allow her to take my daughter and herself 1,000 miles to live with her family. My attorney advised me to agree with the reconciliation. He told me we would lose the “move away” case.

     Things went well for the first six months. My wife and daughter moved to the town I was living at and we bought a house. Things began to go bad soon after. My wife’s being nice to me was fading as I was turned to “black” again. She began to go back to old habits of verbal and physical abuse against myself. She then developed major substance abuse issues with alcohol. Over the last few years, we have had to deal with substance abuse, possible drug abuse, multiple affairs, CPS reports. She went to the hospital emergency room twice for alcohol poisoning. She went to out-patient alcohol treatment but disappeared for seven days. She stopped the alcohol abuse for a little while. Now my concern is that she might be on drugs.

     At the current moment, we had a major incident which feels like it may have drug induced.  She tore up her bedroom, made noise so loud neighbor called the police. It got so bad the police was called and had to do a 5150 but they only kept her for 4 hours. She returned, tore up the kitchen and her behavior continued until day four I had to call and request a restraining order. On day six she was served restraining order. Days after she got the restraining order her parents put her in a psychiatric hospital and she has stayed there for over a week. Now we go to court in November due to getting a continuance on the case. I also have since got an attorney who will represent me on the case and will also serve as my divorce attorney. I am at the point of not wanting to reconcile and go ahead with the divorce. I do not want to take the chance of my daughter going to a foster home due to my wife’s behavior. I am putting in for 100% custody of my daughter but we will see what happens next. 

[Newyoungfather]

Hello hurtguy2014. I feel your pain and know what you are going through.  Asking for full custody seems reasonable to me.  Document everything, keep copies of these items with a friend or family you can trust.  My exBPD would delete emails and text messages.  Having witnesses helps a lot and an expert witness, physcologist.  Hang in there, everything will be fine in the long run.

[ForeverDad]

When she realizes she is looking bad in the divorce, or at least not the typical default good mothers often get, she will likely try to con you back yet again.  Do not waver.  If you stop this case then there is risk that next time you may not have the advantage as you do now.

It's entirely possible she could make allegations that you're the problem person... .Blame Shifting, trying to make you look worse than her.  Be prepared to counter that, although it is very hard to prove a negative.

Right now you're very likely to get temporary custody, at least until she shows some improvement.  That is the right thing to seek, she needs help for herself, the priority now.  You can't fix her, or else all those years with you would have done it.  However, we all know that she won't really get better unless she gets meaningful therapy (DBT or CBT work best) and she diligently applies it in her thinking, perceptions and behaviors long term.  Not "I went to a few sessions and I'm all better".  Long term means years and even then there has to be real progress, simply attending sessions and waiting out the clock is not enough.

Generally courts are very reluctant to grant long term full custody, they don't want a parent to feel locked out of parenting.  Temp orders are a different matter, with her mental health situation you are The Answer the court will very likely choose.

Do you think her family will try to step in and take her place?  Again, not being a lawyer, I think the court would view the mentally healthy parent as taking the lead, grandparents don't get the same level of involvement in court as parents.  Just so you're prepared for whatever comes up.  You don't have to be guilted into agreeing to anything you're not comfortable with.

Side note for when she does get some recovery.  Just thinking ahead beyond the immediate crisis... .Because she gets better with current intensive medical or mental health attention doesn't mean she can step back in as though it had never happened.  Relapses are a real risk.  I'm assuming that at some point the court will try to step her back into parenting, probably in stages.  You and your lawyer need to keep some level of Authority in future orders.  At the very least you need to have some sort of overall Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  And try your best to not get demoted into anything less than equal parenting time.

[livednlearned]

She tore up her bedroom, made noise so loud neighbor called the police. It got so bad the police was called and had to do a 5150 but they only kept her for 4 hours. She returned, tore up the kitchen and her behavior continued until day four I had to call and request a restraining order. On day six she was served restraining order. Days after she got the restraining order her parents put her in a psychiatric hospital and she has stayed there for over a week.

Wow.

I can't imagine what you've been through these weeks.

Your head must be reeling.

How is your daughter doing? How are you holding up?

Have her parents ever had to hospitalize her before?

Glad you are posting here and getting support. This is hard stuff to do alone.

[zachira]

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" is a must read. You will hear from many men on this Board who have been in your shoes and will share their experiences and advice. I admire your wanting to get full custody of your daughter. I was raised by a mother with BPD and NPD, and I will never fully recover from all the damage that caused though I am doing pretty well these days after years of therapy.

[hurtguy2014]

This will be the third official time that she has been hospitalized. The first time her parents attempted to save money by hospitalizing her out of the country. She was hospitalized for about ten days. She was given medication but one of the parents did not like the side effects and demanded that she stop the medication just days after she returned home. The second time was about a year ago and she went for outpatient treatment for alcoholism. She did this for about two weeks during which she went missing for one whole week which resulted in a missing person report. After the treatment, she attended maybe two  AA meetings. My daughter is doing good. She misses her mom and the rest of the extended family. I have set boundaries that I will allow the family to visit but I am not having my daughter have overnight visits or out of town visits with my wife's family at the moment. I am being opened if they want to visit her and myself in my town until we have a better idea of what is going on with the case. I have the support of my family who is also assisting with the cost of the divorce. The last time I had a really lousy attorney with more negative reviews on YELP then positive ones. This time I believe I have a much more effective attorney but a costly attorney.

[livednlearned]

The last time I had a really lousy attorney

Is that the one who said you would lose the "move away" case? If so, it does sound like s/he wasn't a good attorney, especially with all the background evidence of instability your wife has.

Would you consider putting your daughter in therapy to help her cope with this traumatic loss?

And what a relief that your family is supporting you. I agree with zachira that Splitting is a must-read. Bill Eddy is an expert on the ways that BPD and family law courts mix. You can save a lot of time, money, and heartache taking his advice to heart.

LnL