Rant...

[toomanydogs]

I'm sorry. I really wish I were in a place that feels more familiar to me. The kind of person I am is the kind people turn to when they are feeling bad not me.

It is October 15. I have never been sent the information I need for my taxes. (We always filed an extension.)

I feel frustrated. When I let my L know back in Sept., she told me that just because I filed jointly before didn't mean I'd file jointly this time. So even trying to get tax information required a fight/discussion/clarification.

I am really scared I should have replaced this L back when she first told me (in reference to what I was requesting for a settlement): "Pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered.)

I suspect she doesn't like me and she doesn't need to but I think her dislike of me colors how she responds to requests to her.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I have no patience with any of my dogs. Unlike me.

The stress of still not having any info that is needed to file my taxes is totally undoing me.

What I think and maybe I'm wrong is that people, including lawyers, look at my FIL's and STBX's net worth and decide that I married my STBX for money and they find that distasteful. (there have been incidents in the past that support that impression, by the way).

When I kept requesting that my L get the tax info immediately, she then told me that I did have income. I had social security. I had to remind her that I didn't get social security until 2018, not helpful in filing 2017 taxes.

October 15: No info.

I did file my taxes just to make it legal or whatever and said my STBX had 0 income because I had not access to it.

Now, she wants another waiver of conflict signed. And I'm done. I'm simply done. I'm sitting here in bed before the sun's even up and all I'm doing is crying.

I feel ashamed that i am so crabby and impatient with my animals. I want everyone just to go away.

I'm trying so hard to find that fighter inside me, and I can't.

I didn't want this divorce and once I'd been served, from my perspective, I did every  thing anyone asked me to do.

It feels like I've done every  thing anyone in my life has asked me to do. And it hasn't given me what I want.

I feel like I wasted my life on 2  men, who couldn't appreciate what I'm worth, and now it's too late. I'm going to die alone.

I am living on 25% of what I was living on when I was married. I have an L that I suspect doesn't like me and is not particularly sympathetic to my position.

Do I even need that? I don't know. But how in the world can she fight for me when she can't even get the tax info I needed?

I don't trust her. That's really really bad.

I'm not sure what I need here. Maybe a hand out of the darkness? Maybe reassurance that I will get out of this.

I'm half tempted to tell my L to find out what they are offering. They (meaning FIL and STBX) have never once given me a counter offer and I gave them 2 offers.

I'm done. I will give input into what L has requested from FIL and that's it. I'm completely done.

TMD

I am so angry that I am ineffective. I am doing nothing but crying. I  hate crying. I  hate feeling like this.

[worriedStepmom]

This process is an awful roller coaster, and unfortunately you're in one of the pits right now.

What can you do today for self-care?  Something, no matter how tiny, that brings you joy.  You deserve that and you need that today.

[toomanydogs]

This process is an awful roller coaster, and unfortunately you're in one of the pits right now.

What can you do today for self-care?  Something, no matter how tiny, that brings you joy.  You deserve that and you need that today.

I don't know. My daughter asked me the same thing. I feel like I'm too low to figure a way out.

[formflier]

ugg... double ugg.     


Guess what I'm doing on tax day?  Figuring out if I will actually file late.  I'm hopeful my children's returns can be filed "on time" today.

 It sucks... it's stressful all by itself, yet you and I also have several other things going on that compounds this.

Self care!  Big time.  Extra animal time.

I know you "feel" done, but please don't "be done" or "grab offers" when you are in such a low place.  That's not the troll that YOU need under the bridge!

OK... .filing late is not that big of a deal.  I'm not promoting it, yet I've been through it and I got all my penalties and fees waived.  ALL of them.  It would appear it you are not a "regular offender" and you have a good excuse, with some documentation that you will be fine.

It's much better to be "right" than to file and then try to amend returns. (IMO)

I've also been through audits.  They aren't fun, but I was able to prove my side and things went ok... .tax bill didn't change.

 
Taxes:  Did you actually file?  Did you use a CPA?  Do you have a CPA?    You need to get one that you are comfortable with.  Someone that can help you with your financial planning as well as taxes.

If you haven't filed, I have a hard time imagining a good outcome by rushing... especially if you are trying to to it yourself without a CPA.  I would have to guess that married filing separately is what you would do, but again... .you want a CPA to walk you through why each of those is a best answer.  There are likely no clear answers, just good better best.  That's why we have CPAs


TMD  I'm in your corner.  I don't want to be a defender of your L.  I hope to be more of an "explainer of the process" from a process guy that has been through similar things and is going through similar things right now.

The process sucks and is frustrating... but it is what it is.  Very important that you realize what different people in the process actually control.

Holding your L accountable for not having tax documents doesn't make sense to me, unless you know for sure she decided not to ask.  I simply can't imagine she would do that. 

More importantly:  Look at how the "other side" has approached all of this.  Delay, obfuscate, harass... make it hard.  Your L doesn't affect that.  She, like you, has to "deal with that".  Unlike you she isn't personally involved and she has been through this professionally a lot. 

So, don't be shocked that you and she have different emotional reactions to all of this. 


Listen:  I suspect that you are "handing" your L responsibility and emotional blame that more properly resides with your stbx and family. 

I would focus on getting a T and your own self care for your emotional needs and let your L do her job professionally.

that being said... .

I have a small red flag  about another waiver.  Especially since I haven't heard a good explanation from you why. 

Please don't sign it until you are comfortable. 

This is a perfect time to bring in another set of eyes to look at your representation  Many legal teams involve several firms/lawyers, each focusing on their own part of the issue.

If she balks/complains about you getting a second opinion, that would be a bigger red flag...

My understanding is you got a second opinion a while back from another lawyer... right?  Although I don't believe the second waiver was "on the table" then.

   

FF

[ForeverDad]

While I was in my 2 year divorce process - and of course still technically married - my stbEx didn't respond when I asked about tax details.  I had withheld extra since I didn't want to withhold too little for filing separately.  I ended up doing the 6 month extension.  Still she didn't respond.  Then we got to the end of September and at a court hearing I got my lawyer to bring up the matter of taxes and her not supplying any information.  Her lawyer countered that they wanted half of the refund.  (Mind you, she hadn't withheld anything, it was all my withholding.  But she had me over a barrel and so I got my data and she got $$$.)

Knowing that she was still in allegation mode, I didn't want her to claim I had forged her signature.  Rather than submitting it myself online, I used an accountant.  That way she signed in the accountant's presence.  It cost a few hundred dollars but it gave me peace of mind.

My advice?  It is what it is.  After all you've gone through, why would they now start doing the right thing?  Why should they feel impelled to comply with the law when they're obstructing you as much as they can?  They're in effect pushing as many of your buttons as they can.  Don't fall apart over this, this is just paperwork and as FF wrote, it can all be fixed later.

Also, are you expecting a joint filing?  I don't know whether you can force them to file jointly.  For all you know, they've already filed his return separate from yours... .

[formflier]

Even if you could file... .I wonder (I would want good advice) about choosing "married filing separately".

I wonder if ForeverDad would have come out better doing it that way, however there would have been the issue of who claimed the child.

My understanding is there are no dependents for TMD so she can file and ignore whatever her hubby files.  Should he try to file "joint" without her permission, it goes into just more of the crazy from them... and it's actionable (legal).

Hang in there TMD (saying this to myself as I realize that two of my kids get to file their own taxes and one child and my joint return will be late)

The poor one kid is tied to us over "kiddie tax" and I'm still fighting with an entity that gave me a 1099 with an incorrect amount (a very large incorrect amount).  Sucks... not might fault, but better to do the process... do it right... .and I'll take my best shot at "proving" I tried to file on time when I ask for forgiveness of late filing penalties.

It is... what it is... .

FF

[empath]

Back in April, my h had moved into an apartment of his own and things had settled down in our relationship to the point where we could have a discussion about practical matters. He had delayed the whole tax filing until the last minute, so I said that we should file an extension. He couldn't figure that out... .  The extension didn't get filed. About a month later, I did some research on my own and found out that I could file separately without any information from him; there were also instructions about who claims dependents. So, I went ahead and filed - with no penalties because I had no income. Also, I don't exactly trust my h's reporting of his income from businesses that he owns.

The "married filing separately" does reduce the deductions that are normally available for people who choose "married filing jointly".

[formflier]

Wow... .filing an extension is... .pretty easy. 

Good on you for filing yourself.

You are right, there are no instructions about dependents, it's kinda the wild wild west.  However, TMD doesn't have to worry about that, if my memory is correct.

Off to mail a bunch of certified return receipt envelopes.  I did that for years and years and thought I was wasting money.  Then one year, my federal return got delivered to the state. State signed for it but it never did get to feds.  CPA and I waited 2 months to see if it would make it to feds (on advice of feds) and then we mailed them another one that went through.

My "proof" of original mailing and error on the part of the post office "saved" me from penalties and such.

If anyone has ever argued about an incorrect 1099... .I'd like to chat with you (PM probably best)... .sigh.  FF fun meter pegged.

FF

[toomanydogs]

My advice?  It is what it is.  After all you've gone through, why would they now start doing the right thing?  Why should they feel impelled to comply with the law when they're obstructing you as much as they can?  They're in effect pushing as many of your buttons as they can.  Don't fall apart over this, this is just paperwork and as FF wrote, it can all be fixed later.

Also, are you expecting a joint filing?  I don't know whether you can force them to file jointly.  For all you know, they've already filed his return separate from yours... .

I knew they were filing separately. i was fine filing separately as well, provided i had some info to file.what i wanted was the w2 for my STBX's "job" (he doesn't work except on paper. FIL "hired" him so he could have insurance. it's FIL's company), and the info on the trust. i was even willing to get just the W2. that would have helped. when it didn't happen, i filed separately saying STBX had 0 income and i had minor rental income, and i requested half of money we'd carried over from last year to pay for this year's taxes.

i think there are too many things pressing on me. i need out.
TMD

[empath]

Why would you need STBX's income if you were using the married filing separately status? I didn't need any info from my h when I filed.

You are right, there are no instructions about dependents, it's kinda the wild wild west.

There are instructions about dependents; the person who has the larger income gets to claim the dependents. In my case, there is only one. Since he will need to claim that dependent, he will also be responsible for not paying for health insurance for our child.

Wow... .filing an extension is... .pretty easy. 

I thought so, too. I wasn't exactly inclined to rescue him from his choices at that point.

[formflier]

Something I've known coming for a long time was a need for a new CPA.  I now live over 8 hours away from him and his practice is kinda specialized... .and I've got some different things going on where we have had to get opinions from others anyway... .because it's not really what my CPA does.

So... .I took some steps today and I have an appointment in a week with someone that I'm interested in.  When watching a video where this new CPA was talking about her practice... .she said she liked being part of a "posse of professionals" that serve her clients needs.

TMD... .you need a posse of professionals.  People that are already familiar with your situation and "paper".  So that, when you have a settlement offer in hand, you can evaluated it from a tax point of view and potentially use that information to counter or accept. 

Once a settlement is in hand (actually paid out), you have limited the help that a CPA can help.

To be clear... this isn't H&R block, you need a CPA that does taxes and estate planning.  Hopefully someone that has done with lots of legal settlements (some practice them and some run from them).  My CPA hates that stuff, which is part of the reason I'm going somewhere else.

Probably a good idea to do this sooner rather than later.  Let them review what you have filed and look at what you hope to accomplish with the settlement.

Thoughts?

FF

[toomanydogs]

TMD... .you need a posse of professionals.  People that are already familiar with your situation and "paper".  So that, when you have a settlement offer in hand, you can evaluated it from a tax point of view and potentially use that information to counter or accept. 

Once a settlement is in hand (actually paid out), you have limited the help that a CPA can help.

To be clear... this isn't H&R block, you need a CPA that does taxes and estate planning.  Hopefully someone that has done with lots of legal settlements (some practice them and some run from them).  My CPA hates that stuff, which is part of the reason I'm going somewhere else.

Probably a good idea to do this sooner rather than later.  Let them review what you have filed and look at what you hope to accomplish with the settlement.

Thoughts?

FF

Thanks, FF. This has been one of the hardest days since my STBX left.

I came back from vacation, and the person watching my animals had asked if she could buy food, as I was running low. I told her 'yes' for a type of feed and some hay. She bought $42 worth of dog food that I can't use, and 50 pounds of organic chick starter I can't use.

I'm friends with her mother, but the two foods are $70, money I don't have right now.

Luckily, the place she bought it will credit my account, but she wants to be reimbursed as she doesn't have money either.

Then my puppy jumped up and hit my elbow with his teeth.

Some days it doesn't take much to make me lose it, and I have lost it.

Yes, I definitely need a posse of professionals. I even need someone to advise me what I should request from FIL for discovery. He has offshore accounts.

I feel overwhelmed. I need a good night's sleep. I've been napping but I still feel horrible.

I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow.

TMD

[formflier]

Please try to get extra sleep.

Some days are like yours today... .just tough.   Other days are kinda half full or half empty, really depends.  That's where I'm at right now.  After a quiz I have to take... .hopefully it will be a bit "fuller".

Other days are just killer... awesome.

Best to you! 

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Are you feeling better today?

[toomanydogs]

Are you feeling better today?

Thanks, worriedStepmom

I am feeling marginally better. I just got out of meeting with my T/coach. She helped me see that leveling with my L regarding how I'm feeling right now will help.

There are just too many things coming up for me, you know? And my MO, when I'm not feeling safe and when I'm not completely sure which way to go, is to do nothing, even if doing nothing is not in my best interest.

I'm hoping now that I'll be able to call my T/coach or Skype with her when I'm in settlement. The advantage of having her there as opposed to someone else is that she can pull me back when I'm feeling reactive.

So I continue to muddle through. God this  is hard.

Thanks for checking in on me,
TMD

[worriedStepmom]

I'm glad to hear you are working your way back up 

It always made me feel better to have a plan, and I hope now that you are putting yours into place you'll get a little peace too.