My 18 yr daughter, just figured out tonight we are not alone

[Shaturn]

Hi,
I feel like I just figured out tonight that we are not alone.
My daughter is 18 years old and we have just had a really tough couple of years with her.  
As a child she had temper tantrums and could be quite mean if she did not get her way.  But she always had plenty of friends and was very actively involved in school.
As a teen she was a bit more challenging telling lies and pushing the limits.  If challenged she would get quite upset - on several occasions she threatened us or threatened to kill herself.  Her anger was quite vicious.
In the summer of 2017 she was caught telling a fairly large lie and we grounded her from using the car.  She lashed out at us and was quite abusive.  She left home,refusing to return and stayed with her boyfriend’s family.  We met with them and attempted to bring her home.  She became hysterical and told his family that we were verbally abusive to her.  Since then her boyfriend and her have lived together.  We attempted to reconcile with her this past spring and summer in hopes that she would attend university.  We seemed to be rebuilding the relationship.  We paid for her to attend university, paid her rent and living expenses.  She was happily taking part in family activities.  Then one day in September she came for a family dinner.  She seemed quite agitated and began accusing us of not giving her enough living expense money.  She began telling obvious lies.  When questioned she became very agitated and angry.  She was yelling at us.  My son told her to calm down and she started punching him.  After acting completely inappropriately, she walked down the highway to her home.  
Since then she refuses to speak to us.  She has told family members that we harass and abuse her.  
She will no longe accept our financial support and has applied for govrnment assistance claiming that we have been verbally and emotionally abusive to her all he life.  She has told this to family members who have known her all her life.  She seems to genuinely believe it.
What scares me is that our daughter was very loving and kind all summer while we had reconciled.  She was eager to be part of the family again and behaved in a way that made us believe that she truly loved us.  But one day out of the blue that all ended and she is now able to say very damaging and upsetting things so easily.  It scares me how cruel she can be.  Telling people terrible things about us.   She has stopped speaking to all extended family and seems to no longer have contact with her friends.  She and her boyfriend are quite isolated. She has not spoken to us for a month now.  We received a text from her last week- out of the blue- asking is to only contact her in the event of an emergency.  She blames us for everything that happens to her- taking no personal responsibility.  
When I read the traits I am quite certain this is my daughter I am reading about.   And while it is a relief to feel like there might be some explanation, I am scared of what the future holds.
Thanks for reading this.  I am so happy I found this resource.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and that  she  assaulted her brother.  How old is he and how is he dealing with this?

A pwBPD feels that their feelings are inherently worthless and don't matter; therefore, they are inherently worthless and don't matter.  It's a distorted world-view,  but it's what we're dealing with given BPD. 

We have tools here in the right hand margin which can help you communicate with her better. 

One of the top level tools is SET: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

That she hasn't completely cut you off emotionally is good.  You might ask,  "ok, i respect your request. What do you think are emergencies so I can know and respect your request?"

Something like that also validates her. 

She's all but cut off,  but not.  Think baby steps. 

[Only Human]

Hi Shaturn 

I'm glad you found BPD Family! I'm so sorry for what brought you here but I do understand the relief of finding out we are not alone. The people here are so supportive. I liken it to how an alcoholic feels walking into an AA meeting. Only those who have been there can understand our struggles as parents.

The tools on the right, as Turkish said, have helped me communicate better with my daughter. Like you, I'm so happy I found this resource. I've learned so much in my short time here.

We are here with you, you are not alone.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi Shaturn

I join Turkish and Only Human welcoming you to the family. I'm glad you've taken the plunge and joined us for support. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry your daughter's perception is you emotionally and verbally abused her, that is very hurtful to you. You recognise some traits in your daughter, I'd like to share BEHAVIOURS: Projection
[/b] do you think your daughter maybe projecting?

I can understand you are scared of what the future holds, I was. I found the more I learnt about the disorder, what is in my control and what is out of my control and being able to talk with parents here the better I cope and the better things got for me and my situation.

We're here, we're walking with you. 

WDx

[Shaturn]

Thank you all for the support and suggested resources.  What a wealth of information!

[Feeling Better]

Hello Shaturn

I would like to join the others in welcoming you here and say how sorry I am to hear of what you are going through with your daughter.

I can relate to what you have written about your daughter blaming you for everything wrong in her life and also the lack of communication, wanting no contact. It is so very hard when an adult child, for whatever reason, decides to go NC (no contact). How do you feel after being told to only contact her in the event of an emergency?

FB x

[Good2behere]

Hi, Shaturn,

I'm sorry you found us, and I'm glad you found us.

Our family went through many of the things with our dd that you are experiencing. She is now 24 and things are so much better than they were.

There were many twists and turns, but at this point, I think that my dd has learned something about herself. She hasn't said it in words, but I'm guessing that somehow she knows that her emotional intensity allows her to be easily manipulated, not just by other people, but by distortions in her own thinking.

Her temperament is naturally angry and impulsive, but it seems like she is not blaming other people for that as much anymore. For example, if her boyfriend was putting the squeeze on her in some way, hoping that we would give her money for whatever need or crisis or want, then she would put on the congenial mask with us for as long as she could tolerate it. When he pressured her to keep trying, she would finally break in the direction of deciding that we must be the terrible ones, and that is why we didn't give her what she wanted.

It's easier to paint us as terrible than to realize that she was in this sort of relationship with him, that he is terrible and that she lives with him, and needs to believe that he is good to her. It's easier than facing the truth that she has come to believe a whole set of lies and fiction and that both she and he try to manipulate and bad-mouth people that she loves.

Her natural proclivity to act out in anger makes it seem as if she doesn't love us, and doesn't believe that we love her. But the anger finally dies down, and then her shame and self-negation sets in. That keeps her away just as much as the anger does. And in our case, substance abuse is in the mix, so ... .yeah, it can get really bad.

Some hope I can offer you is that after so much drama, alienation, plane trips, psych units, confrontations, rehabs, fights, nightmarish situations, depletions on my health, etc., that things are better! She is 24 and is getting closer to the age when the brain starts to organize itself better. And a huge help is that she is no longer with the terrible boyfriend, and lives in another town and is with someone who, so far, seems to support her rather than try to control her.

Just the other day, I texted her to ask her if she needed any gear for the winter coming up-- boots, coat, etc. She just replied, "No, I'm good." She is beginning to take pride in the fact that they don't ask us for financial help and can manage on their own. Then she sent me a little cartoon that showed a balloon with the words "My mom's love for me" inside of it, and a drill on the outside that couldn't burst it. For some mothers, that would be just a little thing, a Hallmark moment that passes. But for me, it is a recognition that I never dreamed of getting from her.

Even if it all goes wrong again, I believe that they KNOW we love them. I think this knowledge only comes by our example, of loving ourselves enough, not just as parents, but as people with limits that are unyielding when it comes to what is for the long term good. That love really is stronger than all of the chaos and deceit and smear campaigns. In our case, that was obvious to everyone but her. But in time, it can become obvious to the adult child. I didn't ever think to say this to her, but I guess what I demonstrated was "I love you enough to not let you manipulate me, so that you can see that it's possible to live without being controlled by volatile emotions, nor by other people."

I made so many mistakes along the way. SO MANY. I'm still learning and I feel regret and guilt and shame about it at times. My brain goes into some sort of review where I want to think that I could have spared us all of this grief. And then I realize that I need to model to her that a shame spiral isn't helpful to either of us.

My relationship with her isn't close, but the connection is open in a way that is bearable for both of us, enough that it can be positive for the most part.

Whew! I don't come here often, so I guess I get long-winded. So far, I have been able to relate to almost everyone's situation, down to the details. So you are definitely not alone in this!

g2b

[wendydarling]

She is 24 and is getting closer to the age when the brain starts to organize itself better.

Age seemed to help my DD at 26 she wanted to try, begin healing herself, working it out.

[Shaturn]

Thank you, thank you, thank you g2b!  You message gave me hope that one day my daughter and I can rebuild some kind of relationship.