Dealing with 21 yoa stepdaughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello

This is my first time on a venue like this to get some understanding of BPD.  My wife's daughter who is 21 years old was diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar disorder.  However, she lacks the medical coverage for treatment.  I have tri-care and is not authorized under me and my wife doesn't work enough to have medical benefits for the family.  The question is, how do I as her step-father deal with her disorder.  She's currently taking medication which she is able to pay out of pocket for.  I don't have a complete understanding of the disorder even after reading information on the internet.  I realize people with this are impulsive and can be very angry.  I believe the medication is helping control the latter, but her impulsive decisions is what bothers me.  I'm a 26 year veteran from the Air Force and trying to understand her is very frustrating.  She's a 21 year old who continually acts like a 12 year old.  She doesn't keep a job for a long time.  When she has a job, mostly food service, she gets to the point where she complains that she's not treated right and disrespected and decides to quit.  She feels this is okay and she'll get another job.  Out of the kindness of my heart when her mother and I married, we purchased a used car for her that's in my name but she makes the payments to me.  She's also on our insurance which we make her pay half of her the premium.  The problem and frustration I have is the fact that she feels that making those payments is not as a priority as say her cell phone payment is and so if she doesn't have the money due to not making enough in a pay period then she doesn't feel it's an issue.  This is very frustrating to me with her impulsiveness and decision/priority making.  Same goes for her needing to be in a relationship with someone.  She makes friends more of a priority than her mother and I.  She was impulsive with getting an apartment with 2 others, one being her boyfriend who is now her ex, which was on again/off again at least 7 times previously.  Of course even though we objected she got the apartment and then realized how difficult it was to pay the rent.  She's now back living under our roof.  How does she go about getting psychological treatment/counseling when she has no medical coverage?  I live in Florida and of course this state sucks for mental health treatment.  I don't want this to become an interference with her mother and I.  However, I'm old fashion so to speak and provide tough love so she can understand what life is really like, however, I'm seeing that tactic doesn't work.  She doesn't care what life is like.  How do I make her understand that there are responsibilities in life.  She has goals in her life, however, we feel are unrealistic because she's not able/willing to keep a job for more than a few months.  She started college last year and didn't even last a semester before withdrawing to which she still owes $$ for classes.  I feel the only thing she wants to do in life is hang out with friends.  I want her to know/feel there are consequences to her impulsivity.  I feel if she doesn't make her car payment/insurance then I take the car back, which creates a conflict because she needs it to get to her job.  Do damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I really hope that through this venue I'm able to get some valuable information on how to deal with her since I haven't had to deal with this type of disorder in the past.  Thank you. 

[ynkyman]

Hello

This is my first time on a venue like this to get some understanding of BPD.  My wife's daughter who is 21 years old was diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar disorder.  However, she lacks the medical coverage for treatment.  I have tri-care and is not authorized under me and my wife doesn't work enough to have medical benefits for the family.  The question is, how do I as her step-father deal with her disorder.  She's currently taking medication which she is able to pay out of pocket for.  I don't have a complete understanding of the disorder even after reading information on the internet.  I realize people with this are impulsive and can be very angry.  I believe the medication is helping control the latter, but her impulsive decisions is what bothers me.  I'm a 26 year veteran from the Air Force and trying to understand her is very frustrating.  She's a 21 year old who continually acts like a 12 year old.  She doesn't keep a job for a long time.  When she has a job, mostly food service, she gets to the point where she complains that she's not treated right and disrespected and decides to quit.  She feels this is okay and she'll get another job.  Out of the kindness of my heart when her mother and I married, we purchased a used car for her that's in my name but she makes the payments to me.  She's also on our insurance which we make her pay half of her the premium.  The problem and frustration I have is the fact that she feels that making those payments is not as a priority as say her cell phone payment is and so if she doesn't have the money due to not making enough in a pay period then she doesn't feel it's an issue.  This is very frustrating to me with her impulsiveness and decision/priority making.  Same goes for her needing to be in a relationship with someone.  She makes friends more of a priority than her mother and I.  She was impulsive with getting an apartment with 2 others, one being her boyfriend who is now her ex, which was on again/off again at least 7 times previously.  Of course even though we objected she got the apartment and then realized how difficult it was to pay the rent.  She's now back living under our roof.  How does she go about getting psychological treatment/counseling when she has no medical coverage?  I live in Florida and of course this state sucks for mental health treatment.  I don't want this to become an interference with her mother and I.  However, I'm old fashion so to speak and provide tough love so she can understand what life is really like, however, I'm seeing that tactic doesn't work.  She doesn't care what life is like.  How do I make her understand that there are responsibilities in life.  She has goals in her life, however, we feel are unrealistic because she's not able/willing to keep a job for more than a few months.  She started college last year and didn't even last a semester before withdrawing to which she still owes $$ for classes.  I feel the only thing she wants to do in life is hang out with friends.  I want her to know/feel there are consequences to her impulsivity.  I feel if she doesn't make her car payment/insurance then I take the car back, which creates a conflict because she needs it to get to her job.  Do damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I really hope that through this venue I'm able to get some valuable information on how to deal with her since I haven't had to deal with this type of disorder in the past.  Thank you. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello ynkyman 

Welcome!

Although sorry to hear of what brought you here, I would like to say how pleased I am that you are here, wanting to learn what you can so that you can manage your relationship with your step daughter better. You have definitely come to the right place, there are lots of resources here as well as other parents who are willing to share stories and offer support and advice.

You say that you don’t have a complete understanding of the disorder, even after reading on the internet, I felt that way too when I first came here, but the information here is so extensive, there is so much to learn here. An excellent book I can recommend is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning.

You also say:

However, I'm old fashion so to speak and provide tough love so she can understand what life is really like, however, I'm seeing that tactic doesn't work.  She doesn't care what life is like.  How do I make her understand that there are responsibilities in life

Ok, it’s great that you realise that what you are currently doing is not working, so may I point you to Lesson 2 ~ If your current approach is not working - change it. It’s under THE LESSONS over on the right 

You might want to consider taking a look at Communicate Boundaries & Limits too, that also is over on the right under the TOOLS heading.

I look forward to hearing more from you once you’ve had chance to look around the site

FB x

[wendydarling]

Hi ynkyman

I join Feeling Better welcoming you. Like you and parents here, I scoured, researched the internet, no stone unturned. Such a relief, wow moment to find bpdfamily, relief.

You have a good understanding what's happening and what is not, your frustration. Does your wife her mother? Are you working together, I'd recommend that is your starting point.

The answers are here, what ever our situation, support from parents who understand and world class resources.

Top of this board are Lessons: What can a parent do?, helped me initially focus on and understand what was happening and what I could do.

How's you wife managing?

WDx

[ynkyman]

Thank you for your response.  My step daughter wasn't always like this before turning 17.  My wife would tell me how much of a pleasure she was while she was growing up.  But now things have turned a different direction and it's like a roller coaster ride.  My wife feels guilty, which I think is natural but I try and explain to her that it's not her fault.  The biggest issue/concern is how to get the step daughter in to counseling when she doesn't/can't fall under my insurance, my wife doesn't have insurance with her work and my step daughter's most recent job doesn't provide it either. So the only option is to pay (very expensive) out of pocket.  Living in Florida and dealing with mental health issues is such a challenge because there is a huge lack of treatment for underinsured people.  I will look at the resources this site offers in hopes that I'll be able to get a better understanding.  Thank you.

[once removed]

I realize people with this are impulsive and can be very angry.  I believe the medication is helping control the latter, but her impulsive decisions is what bothers me.

its really hard to watch your child drift through life doing self defeating things. its maddening to consistently support them only to see them take advantage (though not necessarily deliberately) and continue to repeat the same patterns.

it sounds like you are trying, and giving it your all. im glad that you reached out to us. im glad youre educating yourself on this disorder, and im glad youre giving thought to what hasnt worked before. things can get better with that attitude. there is hope. central to all of this is a strong support system. of all the advice i could give, the most important would be: stick around. make yourself at home as part of the family.

the early 20s are a transition stage for most young adults. some hit the ground running. some drift. it may take some time, and some consequences for her to take the reins in her life. the strongest indicator of recovery is a loving and consistent support system, the members of whom also know how to set boundaries firmly, and lovingly.

However, I'm old fashion so to speak and provide tough love so she can understand what life is really like, however, I'm seeing that tactic doesn't work. 

its good that you can see this, and shift gears. so many double down on what doesnt work. this is all a challenge, to say the least. most of it is not at all intuitive.

I feel if she doesn't make her car payment/insurance then I take the car back, which creates a conflict because she needs it to get to her job.  Do damned if I do, damned if I don't. 

this is a very personal choice, as to your involvement. is it something that you can continue to do, is it a financial strain?

My step daughter wasn't always like this before turning 17.

how long have you been in your stepdaughters life? how is your wifes relationship to her daughter, what do you observe?