After 10 months no contact, my daughter wrote to me today

[Merlot]

Hi all

After 10 months of being NC, my DD27 wrote to me today by email saying that she had been thinking about me a little bit   She would like to see me when I'm next in my home town (where she is currently living with my GD1) but only if I can understand why she was upset the day she flew into a violent rage and cut me off.  She unblocked me off FB, so that I can see what she and my granddaughter have been up to.

Wow... .it has come out of nowhere and I wasn't expecting it at all.  I wrote back to her validating what has been validated before (but which had previously not been well received, and in fact resulted in abusive responses).

My emotions are in turmoil all over again.  Excited and apprehensive to say the least.  I just can't wait to speak to her and see her and yet and I'm scared I'm going to say and do the wrong things to trigger another event.  Despite all of the learning I've been doing, I'm scared that we fall into our natural patterns of relating to each other.  Any advice from others who have gone before would be very helpful.

Merlot

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Wow, Merlot, how great for you to hear from your daughter! I'm so happy for you! I can definitely understand how many mixed emotions you must be feeling.

I think that after so much time has passed, and you've done so much learning, that you will be fine. I think time having passed makes it easier to stay present and focus, instead of getting hung up on things that have happened in the past. For me, I get a lot angrier when there has been a constant barrage of drama for a while. I bet that focusing on being able to see your GD as an end goal will help you, as well. Maybe if you're really nervous you could practice for it like a job interview, think of things she might say or ask and practice how you would respond.

You've got this!

[Huat]

Hello Merlot

Boy, do I hear where you are coming from when you write... ."my emotions are in turmoil all over again."  I've been there so many times... .over so many years.

I am reading something positive in what your daughter said to you... ."she would like to see me... .but only if I can understand why she was upset the day she flew into a violent rage."   Yes!... .it is good to talk about what happened.

In my case, each time there was a reconciliation with my daughter, there was never a discussion about had happened.   The subject was taboo.  We have not been in contact this time for close to a year and we won't be until she agrees to counselling with me to help avert further blow-ups  happening.  I am no longer a desperate Mom.

You have been here for a while now, Merlot, and you have been doing your homework.  You are much, much better armed to have a discussion with your daughter.  As well as continuing with your homework, you have to work on yourself in staying calm and confident.

It is not luck I am going to wish for you, Merlot, but instead that calmness and that confidence that will catch her attention.  Remember, it was your daughter who flew into the rage... .but... .it was you who reacted.

Don't leave us... .keep us posted!

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hi Merlot,

What wonderful news, I am really pleased for you that your daughter has contacted you, that she is actually reaching out to you, what a breakthrough.

She says that she would like to see you the next time you are in her home town, do you know yet when that is likely to be?

I have often wondered how I would feel if my son ever reached out to me, and it would be the same as you are feeling right now, it would be a mixture of emotions and apprehension. I too would be scared in case I said or did the wrong thing.

I wish I could offer you some good advice, all I can think to say is “Be strong, remember your boundaries, listen to what she has to say with empathy and compassion”.

She is reaching out to you, not the other way round, it is a start.

There is just one other thing that stood out to me:

 

She would like to see me when I'm next in my home town (where she is currently living with my GD1) but only if I can understand why she was upset the day she flew into a violent rage and cut me off.

What thoughts do you have regarding the text I have emboldened?

I look forward to reading the thoughts of others too x  

That includes Huat, who posted while I was still writing 

[Lollypop]

Hi there Merlot

Gosh, an unexpected olive branch with a clear message. It seems your daughter has been reflecting.  She’s most probably as nervous and as apprehensive as you too. It’ll be up to you to keep the waters calm.

I have a friend whose daughter (with two very young children) provided her mum with a similar opportunity to you earlier this summer. They hadn’t spoken in nearly 18 months. She’d missed the birth of the 2nd grandchild and birthdays and christmas’s. There was, and still is, a lot of deep resentment etc.  Now, what’s to be understood here is that my friend is emotionally needy and desperate to see her grandkids and she asked me for advice. Bearing in mind my friend hasn’t done any work on herself (not like us!) and blames her daughter for the situation. My friend hasn’t accepted any responsibility for the part she played in the breakdown of their relationship. So with trepidation, I just said “be light as a fairy and have no expectations of another visit. Enjoy your time with them and be open hearted, warm and kind. When it’s time for them to go (it was a 45 minute visit) say  “it’s been so wonderful to see you as I’ve missed you so very much, thank you for coming and bringing the grandchildren.”  No expectation. She let it hang in the air, her daughters mouth dropped open in complete surprise as she must have been waiting (anticipating) her mum to make some demand on her.  She saw and FELT a change in her mum’s approach. It was a good start for them both.

I’ve got to say I’d little hope of them getting through the 45 minutes without one of them walking out. 

This is them and not you or I. I mention this situation because I thought it’d be helpful.  They are in the early stages of finding a way forwards. You, on the other hand, have your super power toolkit at the ready. 

I’d be tempted to have a similar approach to the above scenario if at all possible, but your daughter is clear, she wants you to acknowledge your part in what happened as part of your reconciliation. I don’t know the details Merlot but can guess it was an emotional crisis moment. I totally agree with Huat about talking things through with your daughter - my personal preference would be to steer clear of any real serious talk on the first get together. It sounds like that’s not going to be possible - your daughter has an expectation of you.

I think what your daughter is seeking right now is validation and some hope that things can be different than they were. You can do this and you can do this really well.

My advice is:

be kind, warm, open hearted and thankful for the visit and try to make sure it ends upbeat and on a positive note (that doesn’t mean an expectation to see her again soon)

Think about the challenges that may come up and prepare for them.  I think you’re really wise by posting and asking for advice now. It gives you time to think about it.

Run through some dialogue about three parts.

When you meet - what will you say with both your body language and your words?  This sets the scene for the visit. 

When/IF she raises the “issue” - what exactly will you say?  This is the critical part and it’s important to get it just right for you both.

Bearing in mind, I don’t know what’s happened in your situation so I have used words that I used with my son after no contact.  “I’ve thought about that day so many times and wished it had never happened. But you know, I’ve been getting a lot of help and working on myself. I’ve learnt that I reacted and I could have listened more to you and what was going on. You must have been feeling really emotional and I’m sorry. I hope that we can both get on a lot better if we can both try together. I love you and want us to find a way forwards from this, if you’d like to. So tell me now, how’ve you been getting on? How are you, really?” 

My words, not yours.

It’s important to not set aside your own values in whatever you say.  Truth, always - but gently and sometimes not all at once.  This is the first step to build a more solid footing in your relationship - there’ll be other times (hopefully) when you can go deeper.

How will you part?  Two scenarios: it went really well!  What will you say? 

The other not so well, this may be either your daughter or you are unhappy about it.  Get yourself a statement to use and practise it - I’d use SET to try to bring the situation back to calm, quietly assertive and loving for both situations.

This is my approach because I tend to overthink and analyse. You may have an entirely different approach that’s better for you.

What would a wise person do and say? 

If you feel comfortable, then please share your statements if you choose to practise beforehand. If you decide to just go with your gut and rely on your tools then that’s totally great too. This is your journey and I know you can do this well - whatever the outcome. At the end of the day, we’re trying to cope with a fluid, emotional and organic relationship. Baby steps.

 

LP

 

[beady]

I'm so happy for you, but I also understand the feelings of trepidation. My estranged daughter had recently agreed to come to my home, her childhood home, for my husband's birthday. I was floored when see agreed to spend some time with us. She decided the time and day, and how long she would visit with us. I worried for weeks how the visit would go. And I expect she did the same.
In the past, she had sent scathing e-mail messages, almost sounding as if another alien person had written them. I think she was afraid that I would bring this up with her. But I didn't. I behaved as if the past 1 1/2 years never happened, and left it up to her to decide when she was ready to bring up our past.
She arrived at the house, and I waited with butterflys in my stomach, unsure how the visit would go. The look on her face when our eyes met for the first time tore my heart out. Such fear and uncertainty in them. I hugged her, told her how glad I was to see her and how much I missed her. I let her steer the conversation. No mention was made of the past, but I expect at some point in the future, if the visits continue, it will be brought up.I will listen to her, and understand that no matter what she says, it is real to her.
So, it is early times, but I will thinking of you Merlot, as we walk through this together.

[Daisy123]

Hello Merlot,

What a break through. I can certainly hear your concern and turmoil through your post. People have left such good advise, here and posting certainly helps.

I wondered what, here speaks to your heart?

Sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way. We are cheering for you.

[wendydarling]

Hi Merlot  

My heart warms for you Merlot   this is smashing news   trepidation too, stomach movement  

What wonderful advice and heartfelt support from parents who know   LP you've really pushed the boat out, so very thoughtful and full of ideas and real examples. I'll be dialling you in next time I have a crisis! Never, can I say that with DD's Dx, yes I can, I'm an outrageous optimist.  

Here is my tuppence for you Merlot today. A member recently went to court to gain back 50/50 access to daughter and the therapist's advice was BREATHE deeply and gently in - out, don't look at your feet. Secondly 80+% of language comes from our body and theirs, read it, I'm sure you know that Merlot. My DD uses half smile that she learnt from DBT. She's always watched me, read me like a hawk, be real.

Beady, Beady, I feel as though I'm with you in your hallway the look on your daughter's face, will be there with you forever. You are taking it easy following her lead   I'm so happy she met you and in your, her childhood home and you've shared with us today.

Hope

WDx

[Only Human]

Hi Merlot,

I am here to acknowledge your post and to add my cheers to all the others. You got this 

~ OH

[Merlot]

Apologies for the delay in thanking everyone.  I'm very grateful for so many words of wisdom here  

Hyacinth Bucket, I think you are right.  So much time has passed that I think it will be easier to remain calm and focused; the old anger is no longer there and I come with a greater understanding of what it may be like to be her.

Huat, thank you so much. Our daughters are the same and different.  My daughter has held onto something so tightly and cannot let go.  Given that she will want to revisit that day, and while I will quietly maintain our differences, I will carry those words of confidence and calmness into that conversation to step into her very vulnerable shoes and validate the best I can.

Feeling Better, we've trodden very similar paths on our journeys and I value your heartfelt gratitude. I'm not sure when I will be in my home town, hopefully in the next few months. Building on Huat's words, I'll take empathy and compassion with me too .  In terms of understanding, it's very tricky and I will need to dig deep with my learning here. I think I have to let go of thinking that her behaviour and reaction towards my husband and I was unreasonable.  I think if I can get to what was really hurting her that day and let go of all the reactions; hers, mine, my husband's, with confidence, calm, empathy and compassion, I will be putting my best foot forward.

LP, more wise words to add in to my power toolkit - love that analogy btw; warm, kind, open hearted.  I think body language is a real key here.  I will very conscious to focus on just being myself with my new toolkit.  Exactly what I will say, I'm not sure but I think in my response to FB, I will use that strategy as a guiding principle and let the words of SET, validation come out.  Hopefully they just flow without sounding too manufactured.  It's a very wise commentary to take baby steps in re-building, to come away with her feeling like I've understood her, loved her and re-established a connection without expectation.  If I achieve this much, I will be blessed.  Thank you for such considered guidance.  

beady, thank you, I can really relate to your words and hope I can mirror such a strong approach and I hope it pays you dividends.

Dasiy123, I know you can totally relate here, thank you for the kind words and it's great that we can be here learning from each other.

wendydarling, you've followed my crisis from the beginning through til now and have been monumentally supportive and caring, like so many others here.  Like LP, yes... .that body language will be critical, to be calm is to breathe and I will be doing oodles of that.

Thank you for thinking of me Only Human

I have not heard from her after I responded with a short validating email, but it feels ok.  It has been wonderful to see pictures of them both on Facebook.

To all of us here, being truly challenged everyday but loving our children, thank you again to all of your thoughts, it means so much  

Merlot