Precious time (part 2)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you Wendy.


I am just going to focus on myself, and focus on gratitude.

[juju2]

Thank you Wendy.


I am just going to focus on myself, and focus on gratitude.

[juju2]

Wonderful people, i have a peacefulness that i cannot explain.

This is new, welcome, and just in time.

Thank you all for shared strength.

[juju2]

So, sweet people, i made arrangement for moving everything.
He asked," please wait.   I understand if you can't."

Maybe what he has been telling me is true.
If he is unhappy.


I am willing to wait.  We have ten years.

[Notwendy]

Juju- please clarify- are you living together? What does moving everything mean? Out of the home you share or to someplace else? What does he mean by waiting- he is seeing someone else. Waiting to see how this works out, seeing both the other person and you?

What are you willing to wait for?

[juju2]

When we separated living together ten years, he left our house.  he left all or most of his possessions.  suffice to say, after ten years, i am not going to throw stuff out.  and he is living w someone, he says he is unhappy, not going to live this way, wants us to get back, and it will have to be slow... .we have things to mend in our r/s... .
Anyway, after my meltdown around bowling league, i started getting things in place to have his stuff moved.  gave him storage address, when he could p/u his stuff, etc... .that was yesterday... .last nite, he emailed, if you can pls wait.

I emailed ok, and if there is anything he can share around this... .he said he will share later today... .
I do feel detached, for me, i would like to have everything moved before thanksgiving... .it will take about two days it looks like... .somehow he has it tied up that i will wait.   it's not me that is waiting, it's the location of his possessions... .

I am not waiting.   for me it is two distinct scenarios.

[juju2]

have been talking w my sponsor quite a bit, she has calmed me down, around focus on me... .
If he is confused, etc, whatever, what he is going thru is separate from me.   I go thru what i want. It's on me to live my life one day at a time.


There is nothing I HAVE TO DO NOW.  I have no crisis, life and death.  I am fully capable of gaining my serenity no matter what others do, say, dont do, dont say, etc...
Everyone else, everything, things, are not my issue and not my business... .she really helped me off the ledge.   You all did too.

Thank you, 

[Notwendy]

Right! You don't have to decide about his stuff today. You don't have to even discuss it with him. Keep the focus on you. What good things do you want to do today?

Sleep,
Go to a movie,
take a hot bath,
take a nice walk in a park,
listen to your favorite music.
read a good book
veg out on TV.
eat something yummy

These are ideas- what are yours?

[juju2]

All great ideas.   Am vegging out watching t.v.

[juju2]

People.   Had sent him an email this a.m., asking just share what is going on.   There is nothing i can't hear... .if you want me to wait until you have a bigger place, i could hear that... .

So he just wrote briefly, it's nothing like that, dont worry.

[juju2]

 Hi family,

Went on a meet up, someone I met online... .
We had been texting for two months, he told me is divorced, 5 yrs, has a good job.
We met this morning.   I know his wife, we go to mtg together, they aren't divorced, although not living together for 5 yrs.   They just signed divorce papers... .I was disappointed that all the texting, he nvr owned up he wasn't divorced... .

Would have nvr known that, if i didnt go to my 12 steps mtgs... .

Any way, we met for one hour, at the end, told him, i dont see men who are married.   You could text me again when you are divorced... .

It was good to get myself out there, and to set boundaries!
Getting healthier people!

[juju2]

Being truthful is a big one for me.

[Notwendy]

Great to have boundaries. Great to get out and just hang out with people.  to get into any kind of relationship beyond that while you are in the emotional state you are in. You are not in the best place emotionally to get involved with anybody. Great that it turned out he is married and was up to nothing honest in this situation because this was a big enough red flag to get you to see he isn't for you but also know that when you are not in a good place emotionally you are less likely to see other warning signs that someone isn't right for you.

If your goal is to have an emotionally healthy relationship with someone- please know that the best way to have this is for you to recover first- get yourself in a good emotional place.   

It can happen, just not now. The person you need to have a relationship now is you    You have all you need right now.

[juju2]

Thank you Wendy.

[formflier]

Juju2,

I don't think you should ever discuss stuff with him or give him the location of the storage facility until AFTER you have moved everything from your property.

It's his stuff... .if he wants it, he can come get it... .that's separate from what you do with it.

Once YOU in your life determine, for whatever reason, that it no longer should be on your property, then move it.

Knowing how kind of a person you are, I'm sure you will take good care of it, so there is no reason to get his permission to move it.

There is a chance that he is seeing the stuff as a way to be unhealthy with you or to "pull you back in"... .or some broad theme like that. 

Since you are getting healthier (  :wee, I'm hoping you can see how it's best to avoid even the "appearance" of being manipulated by another person, especially in an unhealthy way of dangling stuff out there to keep pulling someone back in when they obviously are on a different path in life.

Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

Thank you for letting me know how you feel you would work this should something similar happen to you.

[formflier]

Thank you for letting me know how you feel you would work this should something similar happen to you.

Oh... glad to clarify.  I was suggesting this for you (not me) this time/tnext time, since you are getting healthier and I would hope not want to be manipulated.

FF

[juju2]

Thank you ff for sharing.

[CryWolf]

Hey Juju  ,

Im glad you took the courage to set boundaries with this person youve been texting for 2 months. Its hard setting boundaries when first dating. Good job!

I would like to add in my thoughts on the situation and would like to encourage you to put his possessions in storage first before informing him. Im not sure if you may have noticed the "pattern" but every time you are close to ready on parting with the items, he asks for more time. and more time. and more time... You don't owe him any more favors. His possessions at your place are his leverage to have any form of "power" on you. Isn't it strange how you want to put it in storage and everything will be safe there for him, yet he doesn't want to allow this? If he solely just wanted the possessions then he would be fine with storage. Or he would make accomdations by now.

Don't be his option or anyone's option Juju. You deserve more than that.

Im glad you're putting yourself out there in dating and meeting new people. I would like to tell you to be cautious into jumping back into the "dating pool" just yet. I did, and a lot of hurt resurfaced back. I think its wise to work on yourself today to allow a positive healthy relationship tomorrow.

Thoughts Juju? Would love to hear more.

[juju2]

Hi cry.

Appreciate your take.

The part that no one here gets, and it's ok., is that i was untreated co dependency,
and problem gambling.   He works a 12 step.  He allowed me to hit bottom, get recovery.   I just now have one yr. recovery for co d.  He allowed me to hit bottom.


Anyway, I am going slow in all directions.
Working my program, as my life depends on it.


There is a lot I don't understand.

One day at a time.

Thank you,

j

[juju2]

Oh, and that person i met, even though he isnt divorced, it did me a lot of good to meet him, be cordial, and make the boundary.

It was a huge win.

Because the attention felt good... .

My life and what I want are job one.

[CryWolf]

Hi cry.

Appreciate your take.

The part that no one here gets, and it's ok., is that i was untreated co dependency,
and problem gambling.   He works a 12 step.  He allowed me to hit bottom, get recovery.   I just now have one yr. recovery for co d.  He allowed me to hit bottom.


Anyway, I am going slow in all directions.
Working my program, as my life depends on it.


There is a lot I don't understand.

One day at a time.

Thank you,

j

I applaud you for making such great steps forward and recovering from codependency.

I also think that it can be easy to blame others for certain things. It can get messy. Deep down I believe we are accountable for our own actions. Someone can add on to it but the blame initially can’t solely lie on one person.

Do you think that you still holding on to his positions may somewhat be influenced by some form of codependency? Perhaps holding on to his positions for a sense of hope he will come back?

This is actually common, I know people leave things behind just for a way to communicate later down the road if it ever needed be. My ex used to leave clothes behind and I would as well.

However in your situation I think it’s a bit more complex and he’s with someone else at the moment. I also don’t think he should be telling you the status of his relationship to give you false hope like “were not on good terms right now”

What do you think about this Juju?

Also. Holidays are coming up! Do you have any plans? 

[juju2]

I get it.

All of it.

I have no answer.

Thank you for your share.

Sincerely,

j