CPS again and less than a week to court

[SES]

If probably wasn't a surprise to find myself being referred to CPS again.  Sunday ex stated my D8 didn't want to come and stay with me; however she came at handover (happily). S10 was away for school trip Mon to Fri. Tuesday school reported that D8 had said she doesn't want to come home to me whilst she was at school. My childminder however wrote a statement for  me that D8 said in front of her and the teacher that she missed her brother, and that made her sad; but that she perked up when childminder reminded her that she would have a fun week with me whilst her brother was away. School waited until Friday to tell me they were referring this to CPS. They broke up for a two week holiday on Friday, plus they know there is a final court case next week and CPS are giving evidence.

My lawyer wasn't surprised. She felt my ex was behind it. She said she'd be surprised to find CPS acting on this. She sent CPS a letter and copy of the statement from my childminder.

This is the 8th allegation in 12 months to the CPS, police or my employer.

I feel physically crushed.

Both of my kids are really happy to be with me.

[Panda39]

SES,

Sounds to me like your wife is projecting here she probably missed your son and now your daughter is going to see you and she will be "abandoned" by both of them  and then we have your D parroting her mother.  I agree with your L mom is likely pulling strings.

Don't be surprised if she becomes more dysregulated as you get closer to that court date.  I know you probably already know that.

I know how crushing this feels, and I wish I had the right words of comfort.   You can only do the best you can to be as prepared as you can.  Try and take care of you


Thinking of you,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

CPS and all the mandated reporters can't ignore allegations.  If it rises to the level of being potentially actionable then it needs investigation.  That's one reason why courts allow endless allegations, one of them may turn out to have substance.  It's a sort of protected whistle-blower status.  However, your lawyer does need to ask court the frank question, with all the bogus (technically, "unsubstantiated") allegations of the past and likely many to come, court needs to address that aspect.

I recall that California has a law where a person can be declared a "vexatious litigant" but it has been used only a few times in the entire state.  More practical is something called a "gatekeeping" order, where the repeat accuser has to have the motion or allegation reviewed by a judge first before it proceeds.  Can your lawyer ask for that?

[SES]

Thanks ForeverDad and Panda39

After the court proceedings I may go down the route of harassment via the Police. Her behaviour may be harassment under UK law.

I have literally just received the CPS addendum report for court this week.  They don't change the recommendation of 50-50.  Of note are two things:

1. Last month her boyfriend reported to CPS that ex was suicidal.

2. The repeated allegations that I'm not meeting my daughter's emotional needs by standing in the way of mental health services providing a service to her (which is untrue)... .Turns out mental health services told my ex that D8 doesn't meet their threshold at the beginning of the year- something ex didn't share with me.

CPS also spoke to the school last week, and made no mention of the latest allegations.

Currently the judge is sick so can't hear the case this week. No other free courts in London. We are exploring arbitration (a paid for private hearing) else the barristers massive fees (already paid) are lost.

[formflier]

Huh... .how can the fees be lost if the hearing can't go forward... do to no fault of your own?  Why not reschedule for a week later?

Is there no procedure for a sick judge without all the money going "poof"... away?

 

FF

[SES]

UK legal system.  Have a lawyer who gets paid for the work they do. Then also have a barrister who advocates in court... .And they are paid per job (eg a day in court) whether it happens or not. So, if the court case doesn't go ahead, my barrister keeps his fee (which I paid in advance) £9k. The only positive is that my ex will be in the same position.

[scraps66]

I used to think, for a short time thankfully, that things got "fixed" in court.  What I learned with my two trips to contempt hearings is that things can snowball and get really screwed up, and exhausting, when the court doesn't do things correctly.  I vowed to not go back to contempt court because it was a zoo where they stashed the worst judges. 

It is a constant struggle of determining where to draw the line.  Will she continue to plot to involve CPS?  Maybe.  If you file for harassment, will she stop? Maybe.  So many uncertainties all of which having the speculative resolution fueled by your energy.  What I'm saying is think twice and thrice about doing things that don't have a certain outcome.  Conserve your energy.

Remember, CPS in part justifies their existence by the struggles of people like us.  Around my part of the country, and I was told this by a school district psychologist, that involvement of CPS rarely brings good results for the child or the parents. 

[formflier]

  So, if the court case doesn't go ahead, my barrister keeps his fee (which I paid in advance) £9k. The only positive is that my ex will be in the same position.

But it will go ahead when the judge is better... right?

So the fee applies then? 

Listen... I believe you.  I'm also (due to my govt experience) a bureaucrat.  Usually... there is a procedure to complain or get something back, but the procedure is so obtuse that people avoid it.

Yet... .they can still claim there is a "remedy".

I just have a hard time believing there is NO remedy whatsoever. (you may be right... but I suspect you aren't asking the right questions)

And the questions you will be asking can be viewed as tough... etc etc.

FF

[SES]

Unfortunately it is the way the UK legal system and Barristers work. My ex is in the same position with her barrister. I already paid his fees, and was aware that even if the case settled before court I'd be liable for them.  

I have agreed to deal with the matter via arbitration- outside court, but conducted like a court. I'm paying the fees for the arbitrator, as this will be less than losing my barristers fees. Plus, if the case is relisted, it might be weeks or months away. During which she will make even more allegations. Arbitration is legally binding and results in a court order.

[formflier]

I can believe it... but what is the remedy? 

If a judge is sick... .do people just not get to have their case heard?

FF

[SES]

The court initially offered a different judge at a different court for two days this week. Ex declined stating she needed a three day hearing.  She eventually agreed to take the two day offer, but by that time it was too late and the judge was no longer available.

Tried to find other judges who could step in, but none available in the whole of London.

Unfortunately the arbitrator decided today he couldn't take the case, so have had to ask for the case to be relisted at court urgently.

It has been a rather stressful few days.

In addition ex has also made further allegations of neglect to CPS. They are currently making initial inquiries.

[Panda39]

In addition ex has also made further allegations of neglect to CPS. They are currently making initial inquiries.

Wow she's not even my ex and this just makes me want to scream!

I'm sure this has been very stressful.   Here's hoping for the soonest court date possible. 

Panda39

[Panshekay]

I am so sorry SES,  you have been through so much. It’s never easy when they make false allegations over and over and over again. Our S was fortunate enough to get a court ordered T who just so happened to specialize in Personality Disorders. For the first 2 weeks this T thought my XDIL truly was the victim, I think once XDIL twisted some things and started badgering T she figured it out. It is only now a year later that most have finally figured it out. Is there anything like this where you live?  Without this T I dont think anything would have changed. By the judge appointing her, and the judge keeping this case for as long as it’s needed this is what made the difference. Each time our Sons X takes him back to court now it’s to try and get the T fired, on some made up lie. The judge isn’t a fool.  It’s our hope that one day our S will get full custody since our GS is with our S the majority of the time. Our thoughts are with you as always.

[SES]

Thanks Panshekay and Panda39.

Currently doesn't look like CPS have any interest in it as I haven't heard from them since. Even the social worker questioned how the allegations (even if true) would meet their threshold.

Unfortunately there have been different judges for each hearing. The last hearing the judge pointed out that ex could rake over everything, but it might not lead to any change in the judgement. The judge before told ex that she could save a lot of money by dealing with matters outside court. I'm not sure she is able to hear this though.

As I had paid for my barrister, I met him. He is experienced, and stated he saw no reason for a change from 50-50. The latest CPS report for court stated that last month exes boyfriend reported to CPS that ex was suicidal- which does not lend weight to her having kids more; if anything it might suggest she should have them less.

Panshekay- I am so pleased for you and your S. Given the horrors you have all been through, it is great to hear that justice is prevailing. My thoughts are with you too.

[Panda39]

It's sounds like there is confidence that things will go your way (as they should) but the never ending conflict, allegations, money spent, stress, putting your time with your kids in the hands of others... .just miserable.

Makes me think of the motto of the TV Show Survivor... .Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

You are definitely at the "Outlast" part.  Hang in there! I wish I had an immunity idol to give to you!

How are you managing/feeling?  How's your self care? 

Panda39

[SES]

Hi Panda39, It has been gruelling. I am hoping that when the legal matters subside she will settle down. However, I realise that even after court has finished she may well carry on. I suspect that even if she got a court order in which she has the kids the majority of the time, she still won't be happy.

I hope that she might be running out of money. This may slow her down, but might make her resort to using CPS and the Police more.

We work for the same large employer. The last time I got promoted she made allegations to CPS in the first week of my new job. I don't know if she knows about my latest promotion. I haven't even told my kids as I don't want to rile my ex.

[Panda39]

I suspect that even if she got a court order in which she has the kids the majority of the time, she still won't be happy.

You're likely right... .I post a lot on the board with kids of BPD parents.  I tell the child much the same thing when they have a BPD parent the is pressuring the them to spend more time with them. That parent could spend 24/7 with them and never be happy.  So they should do what they want to do in terms of how much they see the parent.

Happiness comes from the inside. 

What's really sad about what your ex is doing is that it isn't even about being a mother to her children, it's about winning... .about making herself feel better by making you out to be the bad guy.

It's sad that you can't share your good news about the promotion with your kids, but with everything so high conflict already it probably is better to keep that one under your hat for now.  Maybe there will be a better time later on.

Panda39

[SES]

CPS have decided to investigate.  I got a call today from them. They are going to see the kids with my ex next week.

My human resources director has asked to see me on Monday. The last time she did this it was to investigate allegations from my ex (who works in the same organisation).  I asked her what it is regarding, and she states it is regarding developments in the last few days that are relevant to me. I have asked if it is further allegations, to which she states it isn't to do with any allegations. Although it seems likely to be to do with my ex.

I'm not sure how much more stressed I could be

[formflier]

I'm not sure how much more stressed I could be

These processes are certainly stressful.  I would encourage you to take a notepad to the meeting and make notes... .ask follow up questions.  Resist the temptation to quickly answer. 

Ask directly what evidence has been presented (or clarify there is no evidence)

Ask questions about the process, ask about the next steps, ask how you can be helpful with the process.

My guess is that you already "come off" or "present" as completely different... .my suggestions are intended to highlight the differences between you and your accuser even more.

   

What are you doing for self care in this stressful time?

FF

[ForeverDad]

CPS and other agencies have to view matters from a "whistle blower" standpoint, that is, the reporter shouldn't have consequences in case it would hinder future allegations.  It sucks since then the accused has a hard time getting unfounded (most often passively and neutrally phrased as "unsubstantiated") allegations to end.

I wonder whether your employer is getting fed up with ex going to them about her claimed allegations.  Maybe they're getting peeved about her needless involvement of the workplace in her conflict with you.  Could they be pondering letting the problem person go?  (If so, don't defend her!)  In any case, you could remind them that informing her of your promotion would be counterproductive and more likely further inflame her behaviors.

[SES]

Ex has already accused me in court of getting her sacked. My response was to ask her for a copy of her dismissal letter, which she hasn't provided. I don't know if she was sacked, or the reason why. What I do know is I wasn't responsible for whatever happened.

I got the impression my employer wasn't impressed by her allegations. My new job is for a different organisation. I am leaving because of my ex. My departure is now well known as they advertised my job.

My anxiety was high when I saw the diary invite from Human Resources. But, I guess the director didn't have to name it "Quick Catch Up Meeting"; and she has since stated it isn't anything to be concerned about, and doesn't involve any allegations.

I can understand why CPS have to investigate concerns raised. But it is stressful. Of note they appear to have little concern about her boyfriend telling them a few weeks ago that ex is suicidal (it was in the latest CPS court report). Of course, the reason she is said to be suicidal is because I had her sacked from her job.

She is also likely inflamed as my lawyer wrote to her this week offering three ways forward 1. Another (costly) pre trial hearing in which I will ask for a psychiatric report on her (as she is reportedly suicidal) and ask that the court examines her numerous allegations about me. 2. A round table meeting to deal with matters out of court. 3. She agrees to the status quo without 1 or 2. It was predictable that I would face further allegations.

[Panda39]

It's your fault... .It's not my fault... .It's your fault again... .No it's not my fault not ever and oh yeah you're mean and bad so I'm going to tell on you and you want it so I'll be sure to not let you have it... .geez she sounds like a 5 year old.  It'd be ridiculous if it wasn't so awful. 

It sounds like you and your L have some good strategies.  Can you subpoena her employment records? Likely an interesting read if she was in fact dismissed.

Panda39

[Panshekay]

I am so sorry SES.  Our saving grace was the C appt T, she made it clear to CPS and the police dept that if another allegation came from anyone (x made sure she made claims to mandatory reporters) that it went to her first.  Yes, X made more allegations, but we weren’t aware because nothing became of it.

I give you so much credit for continuing to do what is right for your children. This is a living hell.  You have been through so much, I just hope that someone, anyone, will finally see your X for what she is.  Our thoughts are with you.  You have been so strong for so long, your children are so fortunate to have a Father like you.  Take care of yourself, and stay in touch.

[SES]

Thanks for your support, it is much appreciated.

10 days later and no response from my ex regarding the choices presented to her.

Also 10 days after CPS announced they were investigating, I still haven't heard from them.

My employer wanted to make sure that I didn't talk about work matters out of work. My guess is this relates to their decision to employ ex as a domestic violence specialist despite her having a criminal record for DV.  I pointed out that I am leaving in a few weeks.