My ex bf with BPD just contacted me even though he is married

[Lovesjesus]

If you have read any of my other posts you know it’s been very difficult to get over my ex with BPD. He married someone right away and they had a baby within the first year. I have not heard a thing from him in 24 months until the other night. He face timed me out of the blue. I didn’t answer at first because I thought it was a mistake. He didn’t let up though so I finally answered. He was crying out in his back yard with his wife in the house. He proceeds to tell me he made a mistake marrying her it was an impulsive military marriage. He said he has never stopped loving me and that he is sorry and that I was always the one. He said he is going to divorce her and hopes I would consider seeing if I could forgive him because he could never love anyone else. Can you trust anything that comes out of their mouth?  Has anyone else had this happen and how did it turn out?

[Struggler123]

I usually don’t post on some of the posts here, but let me ask you some questions before giving my opinion.

1)If he is telling the truth, are you willing to return back to him?

2)Are you willing to accept that he requires treatment, and he will be making the same impulsive decisions without treatment?

3)Just like he made an impulsive decision to marry her, is it not possible for him to make an impulsive phone call?

4)Some cases of BPD have narcasstic traits as well, could it be to get an emotional reaction out of you?

These are just some thoughts/questions to give you some sort of insight. Now in my opinion, I think that he may be facing some problems in his marriage, and he knew he could run to you for validation. Whether he means the stuff he says, possibly but its in that moment. Contact him the next day, as you normally would and he will have no recollection of it. He will deny he said any of those things because the feelings of someone with BPD change with a flip of a coin. I apologize for being harsh, but its hard to accept that someone could be so on and off with their feelings. Now lets say he comes back to you, and you guys have a happy ever after honeymoon period. Is there any assurance that he will not do the same thing to you. I think that if someone can make an impulsive decision to marry someone else, have a kid with them, they definitely made their mind up. Only problem is when needs are not being met, which to someone with BPD will never be met until they are in treatment the same pattern follows. You will become triangulated in this game where there are all losers and no winners. In such a case, I recommend not focusing on the words but the actions of this person. You deserve better, and the only way you can achieve that is to slowly move towards the love that you deserve. The longer you keep this door open,  the more empty you feel.

[Lovesjesus]

@struggler 123
If I’m really honest I would have to say I would be very tempted to take him back. We were high school sweethearts and truly were in love. He was very insecure and emotional so his parents made him seek counseling. That is when he got diagnosed. We only broke up after he went in the Marine Corp and had problems trusting me here. To answer your other questions I would make him seek treatment first to show he really wants to work on himself. Also, he texted me the next two days saying he meant every word of what he said to me. The second day he did say he knows he needs to come up with a plan to get out of this situation first and he is nervous as hell how she will take it so he doesn’t want the added stress of her finding out that we are talking. I’m not going to contact him I need to see if he was for real. I just wanted to know if anyone else had this happen and how did it turn out. Thanks for your response

[Turkish]

My ex asked to come back "can I come back?" Two years after leaving me for her affair partner. A young stud compared to me. She had her fun and teenage romance.  It imploded after she married him and moved him in though it took over a year after for her to ask after much drama.

How do you now value yourself apart given all that happened? I asked myself this same question. 

[love4meNOTu]

If you have read any of my other posts you know it’s been very difficult to get over my ex with BPD. He married someone right away and they had a baby within the first year. I have not heard a thing from him in 24 months until the other night. He face timed me out of the blue. I didn’t answer at first because I thought it was a mistake. He didn’t let up though so I finally answered. He was crying out in his back yard with his wife in the house. He proceeds to tell me he made a mistake marrying her it was an impulsive military marriage. He said he has never stopped loving me and that he is sorry and that I was always the one. He said he is going to divorce her and hopes I would consider seeing if I could forgive him because he could never love anyone else. Can you trust anything that comes out of their mouth?  Has anyone else had this happen and how did it turn out?

Well not exactly, but after we dated a few times xhwBPD dumped me. I didn't hear from him again for about four years, then we dated again and married within six months. We then divorced 16 months later. The problem was that he has unstable relationships because he has BPD. He needed someone to fill the void and at that time it was me, now it is someone else, and believe me when I say I was just one in a long line of bad relationships for him. I think you have an advantage over me in that you KNOW he has BPD where at the time I was just flabbergasted at what seemed like crazy making behavior.

If you know the challenges of such a relationship ahead of time, and know that he could be reaching out for temporary relief from the pain he feels -  could you maybe just wait and see? Give him time to address his current relationship and resolve those issues?

L

[Lucky Jim]

If I’m really honest I would have to say I would be very tempted to take him back. We were high school sweethearts and truly were in love.

Hey LovesJesus, Plenty of us, including me, have recycled, so you are in good company if you decide to take him back.  On the other hand, what makes you think the outcome would be any different?  Often those who recycle find themselves back in the same place farther down the line, except with more pain.  It sounds like you are inclined to get back on the BPD roller coaster.  If so, fasten your seat belt!

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lovesjesus-

I’m really sorry for the pain and confusion that you’re experiencing, and have experienced over the last 1.5 years.  This is NOT an easy situation, especially with a newborn child involved.  Your ex is going to go back and forth.

I read through all of your prior posts and it appears that the understanding you have of BPD, you’ve obtained through conversations with your exBF.  It would benefit you greatly to read through the sources on this site.  There is a LOT to learn about this very complex disorder... .especially if you’re considering going back into the relationship at some point.  And I agree, you’ll need a commitment from him that he’s going to enter intensive therapy as a condition of reuniting.

This will likely be a long process.  His decisions won’t be easy, and he has a young wife who may not even know you ever existed.  She will likely be stunned by his decision to leave.  I agree, if at all possible, you must keep “No Contact” for your own protection and emotional well-being.

Another thing, my friend.  I totally get that detaching from these relationships is very difficult.  If in fact you have NOT read through the section here on detaching, please do that.  No matter the outcome, this will help you greatly.  I have been “out” for 8 months (meaning no visual contact); but the texts continue and I still cannot shut down my spinning thoughts.   One day you may feel one way, and the next day completely opposite.  You are NOT alone.

Finally, please stay with us and let us help you through this difficult time.  This is a safe place for you to process any and all thoughts you’re having.  No need to post a few times and then disappear, okay?  We’re here to support you in whatever form that takes.  No judgement.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Mutt]

The second day he did say he knows he needs to come up with a plan to get out of this situation first and he is nervous as hell how she will take it so he doesn’t want the added stress of her finding out that we are talking

You got a lot of good responses Im not going to repeat what was already said aside from a pwBPD having very intense feelings they don’t cope with stress very well read up on triangulation BPD is a persecution complex he wants rescue he has some stressor in his life that is triggering him he’s seeking out a third party to sooth / rescue him.

I think that you have to judge that as well how do you feel about being an ends to a means to someone? Keep track of it does he only reach out because he feels like someone / something is causing him stress? What do you value in a r/s is it someone that makes you feel appreciated, makes you feel stronger, someone that supports / inspires you?

Finally, let’s play role reversal with you and his wife, if he’s secretive with you can can you trust him that he’s not going to be secretly talking to someone else while he’s with you?

[Chitchat]

Lovesjesus

You love him and want to be with him. You have already invested so much in him.

But a call suddenly after twenty-four months?... .A wife?... .A child? ... .He'll divorce her?... .Will you forgive him?... .He's crying?

No, I would not trust anything that comes out of his mouth. That would not matter as much without all those circumstances. He may be triangulating, as Mutt says. There's an article on the site (not sure where yet, but the link is to the right) about this dynamic. If he is the victim, then his wife is the persecutor, and you are the rescuer. The roles can be reversible. As it is, he is likely putting his wife and possibly child, too, through hell. He may be 'micro-cheating' on his wife just by talking to you. The child might be six years old by the time the father recovers. Did you discuss the child, and how you both contributed to your own relationship breakup?

Do you think he will divorce her even if you say you don't want him?

[Lovesjesus]

Thank you to everyone that commented. I am going to use the resources on this site. I really thought I was moving on. I really didn’t expect to hear from him again and when I did all the good feelings I had with him came flooding back as I haven’t met anyone else that I felt loved me the way he did. I will be reading up on triangulation. I also have no intention on contacting him until he makes it his decision to divorce. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I don’t think he could handle all that is involved with a divorce. I’ll let you know how I’m doing from time to time.

[Mutt]

I really didn’t expect to hear from him again and when I did all the good feelings I had with him came flooding back as I haven’t met anyone else that I felt loved me the way he d

I think that’s normal that you’re thinking about all of the positive things about him if you haven’t heard from him in two years it’s ok to miss him it takes time to get to a place where things are put into their proper context we had a r/s together and we’ve both moved on. Give it some time and those negative thoughts will come back.

You’ll find someone that will love you on a different level one that you may not have experienced before so in a sense you can say the next person will love you like nobody else has.