Back again

[Gorges]

Hello,
I have not posted in awhile because I thought things were headed in the right direction.  I was even thinking of making a job switch to a more challenging job because I thought my time of raising my kids was over.   I guess it is never over.   We found out that my daughter has been web cam modeling (a type of porn) in her bedroom in our house.    We decided not to kick her out because it would be stressful for grandparents, her brother (who is off at college).   As my husband says, it is the cross we bear.   I did sternly tell her that I want her to focus on fixing the problem, not making it worse by threats to drop out of school or move out.   We have some financial situations we need to deal with because of this.   She obviously apologized and said she would stop.  We found out because she was supposed to be filing taxes for this job and we got insight into some paperwork we stumbled upon.

I am completely and utterly grossed out and disgusted.  I am not blaming myself on this one.  It is the internet and the damage it is doing to this generation.  Abnormal behavior has become normalized.

All I can do is self care right now.  Ironically, I was already having trouble managing stress with my work opportunities (additional and exciting challenges) and then this happens.  My husband is better able to compartmentalize and not think or talk about this.  He does not want to do either.   I have to figure out a way to relax from an already stressful work week and now home does not feel like a haven.

Not every child is a mess.   There are some (and my other child is like this) who are able to navigate this new world without becoming delusional. 

My daughter and I have only talked over the phone about this issue.  My daughter was sorry but said she liked the job and the money.  She will see a therapist and has agreed to stop.  I pointed out that we live in a small town and I am a bit sick of running into former therapists of hers.  The therapy won't help unless she wants to be a good person and not hurt her family or herself.  That part of her brain seems to be missing.  She cares for no-one except herself and her own immediate desires.    At least she does not have a child.   

Whew, okay for now and onto trying to get through the day and cope.  I have to try and put my problems in perspective and as my husband said, it is the cross we bear.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Gorges,

I'm so sorry that circumstances have brought you back here. Although she never did it in my house, my daughter also did webcamming; she's also a stripper. How old is your daughter?

I was beyond mortified when she started both. I actually stayed home from work in bed for a day when she became a stripper. We don't want this for our daughters, we want them to value themselves and their minds and not treat their bodies like a commodity.

I don't know your backstory. Is your daughter diagnosed BPD?

Both jobs appeal to my daughter because (aside from having extremely warped boundaries) she isn't really able to hold a normal job due to her untreated BPD. These allow her to set her own schedule and if she's feeling too overwhelmed not "go to work."

Is your daughter in school, or had she had a job?

Again, so sorry you're going through this. I think it's one of most mother's worst nightmares.

HB

[Gorges]

Thank you responding.  My daughter does not have an official diagnosis although a therapist suggested it when she was 15 and she has gone through DBT and it just seems to fit.  I have read this board for awhile and the behavior seem familiar.  My daughter is 20 and lives at home.  She goes to a local university.  She has failed classes and quit jobs.  So, yes, the appeal of this is that she does not need to have a regular schedule or commit to anything.  I also think the whole on-line thing is addicting to her. 

I am just lying around today and allowing myself to sulk and feel my feelings.   I have decided there really is not a lot I can do to help her.  I thought that by moving back in with us she would not feel the need to do this.  But, it seems that our feelings and support do not matter.

My husband does not want her to move out and feels she is safest with us.  I decided today to set the boundary that she cannot do this and live with us.   If my husband feels differently, he can live with her and I do not want my name on the mortgage. 

My boundary is that I do not want to live in a house where this is happening.  If it requires a divorce, or separation, so be it.   At least that is not a struggle for me to decide.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

That is a good boundary to set. We should all feel safe and calm in our homes. I'm sorry you and your husband aren't on the same page. I've been there and it feels daunting. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself today.

How long has she been living with you again? We tried the same thing with our daughter and it went similarly. I ended up making her move out. It was very hard to do but definitely was the right choice for us.

Has your husband read any resources about BPD? If he's willing to, maybe that would help his perspective. My favorite is loving someone with borderline personality disorder.

Take care and let us know how things progress. We are here for you.

[Gorges]

Thanks again. My husband and I went through this when my daughter was verbally abusive to me and my son was still living with us (he is at college now).  So, we have been through this before.  This time around my son is at college and I am so clear on where I am at, I feel no desire to convince or argue with him.  That was just so exhausting and depressing and I made it through.  But, I won't do it again.  I feel no desire to convince him to stay with me.  I would rather conserve my energy.    I set my boundary with her today and she handed over the camera.  I told her that part of living with me is that I will be checking her room for any evidence that this is going on.  But, that can be exhausting as well.   So far as this day goes on, I am starting to feel better.  Unfortunately, my daughter is sleeping all day because she is said she is very depressed about all this. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Gorges,

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. It is exhausting.  It sounds like you handled it well. Giving kids the option to respect your boundaries or leave is often a good approach. It forces them to make an active choice and live with the consequences.

I hope this coming week goes better for you.

[wendydarling]

Hi Gorges

I'm so very sorry, this is unbearably distressing for you in every way, as Hyacinth says one of parents worst nightmares.    I hope your DD engages and learns through therapy. After our recent setback I've come to the conclusion it's full steam ahead with therapy, we've seen progress, just got to keep going, going... .

You've got the camera and I've got the meds.

I'm glad you feel a bit better

Hugs to you Gorges. 

WDx