It’s been a while

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has almost been a year since our S divorce. No, it hasn’t been easy, nor without a lot of hard work, but our saving grace has been the Court Appointed T.  Talk about a miracle. I believe from around March until around August our S  had our GS who is now 8 pretty much full time, his X DBPD had to have supervised visitation, and that wasnt right away.  It took months for her to get 1 day a week for an hour and that was supervised for months. XDIL recently started getting overnights, which have gone just ok.  Still many issues, one of which is the CA T wants XDIL to have DBT, which she will not do, and the judge won’t court order XDIL to do so. Another miracle is pretty much everyone sees the truth now, some are hesitant to tell what they know which is frustrating. Another odd thing is XDIL still has full custody on GS. Hoping that will one day change.

  Of course she has taken our S back to court many many times since the divorce, and is on her 4th Attorney. Mostly trying to get the CA T fired.  The judge isn’t a fool... .he doesn’t want to be steering this crazy train, so CA T gets to do it.  There has been close calls when I am sure T has wanted to quit due to the constant badgering of the XdIL... .that gets old. But this CA T has integrity.  We are going back to court again next month, X wants more visitation, which I doubt she will get. It has been 6 years of hell but our GS has blossomed in our S full time care. He is our sweet boy once again. Trust me when I say there were many hellish days but love, consistency and a T who our S could talk to was our saving grace. It’s not over, it will never be over but it’s a million times better than what it was. They are on to her, the truth finally was seen.  Thank you all for your letters of encouragement, your true compassion... .without all of you I’m not so sure where I would be today... .maybe in a nut house or prison.  Just knowing there are so many people going through the same thing is a huge comfort. Thank you. Panshekay

[Panshekay]

It has almost been a year since our S divorce. No, it hasn’t been easy, nor without a lot of hard work, but our saving grace has been the Court Appointed T.  Talk about a miracle. I believe from around March until around August our S  had our GS who is now 8 pretty much full time, his X DBPD had to have supervised visitation, and that wasnt right away.  It took months for her to get 1 day a week for an hour and that was supervised for months. XDIL recently started getting overnights, which have gone just ok.  Still many issues, one of which is the CA T wants XDIL to have DBT, which she will not do, and the judge won’t court order XDIL to do so. Another miracle is pretty much everyone sees the truth now, some are hesitant to tell what they know which is frustrating. Another odd thing is XDIL still has full custody on GS. Hoping that will one day change.

  Of course she has taken our S back to court many many times since the divorce, and is on her 4th Attorney. Mostly trying to get the CA T fired.  The judge isn’t a fool... .he doesn’t want to be steering this crazy train, so CA T gets to do it.  There has been close calls when I am sure T has wanted to quit due to the constant badgering of the XdIL... .that gets old. But this CA T has integrity.  We are going back to court again next month, X wants more visitation, which I doubt she will get. It has been 6 years of hell but our GS has blossomed in our S full time care. He is our sweet boy once again. Trust me when I say there were many hellish days but love, consistency and a T who our S could talk to was our saving grace. It’s not over, it will never be over but it’s a million times better than what it was. They are on to her, the truth finally was seen.  Thank you all for your letters of encouragement, your true compassion... .without all of you I’m not so sure where I would be today... .maybe in a nut house or prison.  Just knowing there are so many people going through the same thing is a huge comfort. Thank you. Panshekay

[Panda39]

Hey Panshekay! 

So nice to hear from you and get an update    I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how things were going.  The way I look at it is, no news was probably good news... .as it appears to be.

I'm so happy to hear you're all doing well particularly your GS.  What a relief after all you went through to have the professionals seeing who is the problem here. I hope that custody gradually moves more your son's way too.  Sounds like it could since mom seems to be having trouble controlling herself and doing what she needs to do... .As we say it's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

I'm sorry the visits to court continue but knowing that your son is being believed must make it much less stressful than before. 

I've got to head off to bed, but what a nice surprise to hear from you, I for one have missed you around here 

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Hi Pankeshay!   

So happy to hear that your son and grandson are building a new future. What a testament to strength and perseverance you all are. Keep validating your GS and providing that consistent, loving parenting, and celebrate each moment. You have worked so hard for them and understand the loss and pain of separation. Truly a beautiful miracle.

[Panshekay]

Thank you so much Panda39 and  takingandsending. I have missed you all as well.  So many of you helped us, Forever Dad, SES, Samwize, formflier, I will be forever grateful to all those who reached out. This takes so much out of everyone, I plan on visiting more and offering hope to others going through this.  Yes, miracle happen.  Blessings to all.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, so glad to hear that finally the professionals figured it out.   So sad that it took so long.  But glad that now it's behind you.  It sounds like exDIL can't reverse that, not by much.

ExDIL still has full custody?  Didn't your son at least get temp custody while mother was so limited in access?  Is there any way that the legal status can be changed?  In my state a parent has to file for Change of Circumstances, however that can be a long process, it took me 17 months from start to finish.  I'm thinking that her refusal to get appropriate therapy could be additional basis to seek a change in custody, or at least extend indefinitely whatever Decision Making authority he has now.

I seem to recall commenting in a prior thread long ago that her extreme behaviors reminded me of Histrionic PD as well.  It's entirely possible that some people can be co-morbid with multiple PDs.

[Panshekay]

Hello ForeverDad,
Yes she still has full custody... .don’t understand that but hoping it will change. Court was cancelled yesterday, her att was ill. So it will be another 2 months which is good, more time to document GS behavior at school, he has had more issues at school since M started to get more time with him. Yes, I agree with Histrionic PD as well.  Her spousal support runs out next month, remember, she was supposed to use that to get mental help, per the judge. What’s odd about that is Court Ordered T wants X to have DBT, but judge says he isn’t going to make her her do it, but she is willing to have her D do the DBT,who is now 13, don’t fix your own problems, let’s project that on to your 13 yo child. I’m sure she would benefit from it but everything I have read is it’s pretty heavy.  Well as we say, you can’t second guess crazy. We are just glad that our S has GS majority of the time. Thank you for everything FD, you were a life saver for us!