A small moment that captures so much

[stolencrumbs]

I had an experience with my uBPD wife this weekend that seemed to me to really capture so much of the dynamic in our relationship, and of how she handles her own pain.

Background: We are remodeling our kitchen. The old counters are off. I installed a new sink. They came to template for the new counters and told us that the sink needed to be raised a bit.

So this weekend I uninstalled the sink and raised the supports it is resting on. My wife helped me remove the sink. I had put down a towel on the floor where I was going to put the sink. She said it should sit somewhere else and she moved the towel. Okay, fine by me. We remove the sink and set it on the floor where she wanted it. A few minutes later she walked back into the kitchen and hit her toe on the sink. She first starts screaming in pain and goes back into the other room. I start to go in there to see how she is. Before I get there, she comes back in and screams at me that the sink can't sit there. It isn't going to work. Then she screams at me that I am so careless, then gives me a couple of "F-yous." This episode passes and I continue with the sink. Later that day, she is upset with me because I haven't apologized for her hurting her toe. She explains that even if it isn't my fault that the sink was where it was, it was my fault that the sink had to come out at all because I didn't put it in at the right height the first time.

It all seemed absurd in the moment, but I think it is clarifying. If she is hurting, it has to be someone else's fault, no matter how many degrees of separation there have to be between someone else's doing something and her pain. This is a microcosm of our life. Anger directed at me for "causing" her pain. Seeing it so clearly on display in a situation in which I am clearly not at fault really helped put that aspect of our life in perspective.

Still not sure what I'm supposed to do when what she says she wants is a "sincere, heartfelt" apology for things I don't believe I need to apologize for. I can validate the pain she feels. I can apologize for my part in things, and I can apologize sincerely for the things I believe I've done wrong. None of that ever seems to be enough. She wants me to accept all the blame she puts on me and apologize again and again for causing her pain.

[Cat Familiar]

It's amazing when you observe the incredible gymnastic moves a pwBPD can make to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior!

That was an excellent illustration of your wife trying to avoid her own toxic shame by pinning the blame upon you for something entirely of her own doing. Here's an interesting article about shame that might be useful for understanding why she would do this.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion

Understanding the motivation behind the behavior is one thing, and figuring out how to respond is quite another. You certainly don't want to validate the invalid by apologizing for something that is so clearly not your fault. Here is an article about invalidation with a great video by Alan Fruzzetti, the author of The High Conflict Couple--a very good read. 

I often struggle with validation, especially when it's about something that is seemingly ridiculous, like the example you detailed here.  Learning more about this topic, I discovered how invalidating I often am to my husband, though not intentionally. Just by becoming more mindful about how not to invalidate him, the level of conflict in our relationship has decreased significantly.

[Five28]

Well, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. Your description of events sounds like something that might happen to me. My wife is never at fault, ever, for anything that goes wrong. She has been working in the medical field for over 30 years but has moved to different facilities four separate times. Each time was due to a boss that she didn't like.

At first I believed her stories how they were all micromanagers, didn't know how to treat people, etc. Lately though, I'm starting to realize that she may have been the problem all along. She is quitting her most recent job because she says her boss, once again, is a micromanager. While I agree that some of the things he's said on email are childish and unprofessional, it wasn't bad enough where it would cause a normal person to rage quit, but it did for her.

She has thousands of dollars in credit card debt, makes over $120k per year at this job, and is quitting. How's that for planning? I'm going to assume that she is going to ask me to help pay her bills. I won't do it though, cause the last time she quit I paid as many as I could and then took out a loan to pay the rest. Note that I pay all the household expenses including mortgage, food, utilities, insurance, etc, and she pays none, even though she makes a bit more than I do. We used to split the bills down the middle and I never thought she would screw me financially like this, but she made absolutely no effort to help me get out of debt from paying her bills before she got this job.

I've come to realize that she is selfish, childish, rude, and angry quite often. Then she can turn into a completely different person who is warm, charming, caring, and sweet. Unfortunately that person doesn't stick around too long. She was an abused child, and I feel bad that she went through that trauma, but I'm not going to let her continually abuse me financially, emotionally, or verbally, because of something that happened decades ago. I've been told "F you" many times. That right there shows a lack of respect for your spouse. I don't see us lasting "till death do us part" anymore. I'm starting to feel like I've wasted 30+ years of my life. I feel your pain.

[LivingWBPDWife]

Wow -- this is what I deal with every moment of every day. Today, we are driving to pick up 4 year old. My BPDw just sits on the phone scrolling thru 1000's of random pics of people and posting pics of herself, she is clearly NPD as well.

Anyway, I ask her to please think what SHE wants for dinner tonight, so we can stop on the way home to get anything we need. Mind you, for the last 5 years THIS is what happens every day. She refuses to do anything except social media. The ride is 30 mins, more than enough time to "think" of a couple ideas. By the time we get to school, she blurts out after being quite the entire time "I want beef tacos" ---

I say, honey we haven't eaten beef for years, I don't eat it, and I surely don't want our daughter eating red meat... .

So, I am expecting her to say something "well, that's what I want and explain her change of heart, neither of us has eaten red meat for over a decade"... .But, instead she rolls into a RAGE -- "you KNOW what I mean!" --

I am sorry, I don't? Then she get out of car "Go F yourself!, I hate you and can't wait to divorce you".

I get out and try to ask her rationally why she just insulted and threatened me, but in her mind, I am supposed to READ her mind, KNOW what she means, and the fact, that when she said she wants BEEF, I asked her why? Infuriated her -- Then I ask her, "if I am not supposed to listen to things you say, then how should I know what you want?" -- Again, "F U, you know what I meant".

Sigh -- She was mad that she mispoke? Mad that I can't read her mind? Who knows. But, BPD is a VERY serious mental illness and I am at my wits end trying to anticipate WHAT, WHERE, HOW, WHO? My BPDw means when she talks, it's like they are SOO ANGRY inside and just waiting to blame someone for their day.

[mstnghu]

I can relate 100% and these sorts of situations are completely maddening. This past Friday, my wife and I had been text-fighting throughout most of the day. When I got home from work later on, we continued to have a lot of tension but no major fighting.

I have a lot of things that I'm really upset with her about right now so I haven't been particularly warm and fuzzy toward her. Anyways, on Saturday morning she told me that she was going to go to a gym class.  A few minutes before she was going to leave, she made a nasty comment to me (I can't even remember what it was now, because she ALWAYS makes disrespectful and condescending comments toward me). I stupidly took the bait and engaged with her which started a heated fight that lasted about 10 minutes.

She then decided that she could no longer go to the gym. I told her she needed to go get out of the house and have some time to herself. I was actively trying to get her to go do something positive for herself and she refused... .definitely not the first time she's done this sort of thing either. She then started blaming me for her not being able to go to the gym. I insisted that she should go, she refused, then she started yelling at me for making it so she couldn't go! This behavior is completely infuriating and frustrating and there's never any sort of resolution because in her mind I'm completely to blame for her own choices that bring her unhappiness.

[Cat Familiar]

Oops. Didn’t post the link on validation/invalidation. Here it is https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Unfortunately a quality one needs to have to successfully thrive in a relationship with a pwBPD is a thick skin. Learning how not to be triggered is essential. And one of my motivations is that it doesn’t give my husband the satisfaction and ability to unload his emotional baggage on me if I stay happily centered.  

PwBPD often seem to feel better in a perverse way if they can get you as upset as they are. It makes them feel less shameful because, “See... .he/she is just as mad as me!”

So I make an extra effort to deprive my spouse of that “pleasure”. 

[stolencrumbs]

It always amazes me how similar so many of our stories are.

Wife who has been through a number of jobs, always leaving because of an awful boss, or awful coworkers. Check.

Wife expects me to read her mind and flies into a rage if I don't read it correctly. Check.

mstnghu--I have had almost that exact experience with my wife, involving going to the gym. Actually multiple times. She gets upset, then blames me for not being able to go the gym. So, check.

Cat--Thanks for the links. Understanding how big of a role shame plays has been helpful for me over the last few months. I agree that they seem to enjoy getting us nons upset. I have pretty thick skin and usually stay pretty calm. This actually seems to fuel her rage in many cases. She says I'm cold and detached, and how can I just sit there, I clearly don't care, etc.

[Cat Familiar]

Wife who has been through a number of jobs, always leaving because of an awful boss, or awful coworkers. Check.

This was my childhood. Every night my mother would spend the dinner hour talking about her terrible co-workers or boss in great detail. She always had some major issue with someone and of course, it was their fault. She conveyed herself as the uber hard worker, who always picked up other's slack. And of course, everyone else was always slacking off. Every night this is what I heard, over and over and over and over.

I agree that they seem to enjoy getting us nons upset. I have pretty thick skin and usually stay pretty calm. This actually seems to fuel her rage in many cases. She says I'm cold and detached, and how can I just sit there, I clearly don't care, etc.

I've gotten the "You don't care--you're so cold etc." I've been called "Robotwoman" and he's tried to shame me for "not having feelings". And finally I'd get triggered because I do care and I'd get irritated and try and tell him that I do care very much, and away we'd go and the crazy would amplify.

Lately that doesn't happen. We don't seem to trigger each other at all. The conflict has really dialed down. This didn't happen overnight. It took a few years for us to be so reactive to each other, and a few years to unwind all those triggers. What I attribute that to is integrating the tools I've learned here and in the process, not invalidating him like I used to.

Unfortunately the burden is on the "non's" shoulders. Our BPD loved one is not going to take responsibility for fixing the relationship, even though they're at least 50% responsible for the dysfunction--lots of times I'd say they're 90% responsible, but I'm just trying to be fair.  

So those of us who have greater capacity for controlling our emotions and better skills at having a big picture outlook--well, it's up to us if we want this relationship to improve or not. That's just the facts.

I was really resentful because I was tired of dealing with other people's freakouts. My mother was a pwBPD, as was my first husband and then I discovered this new husband of mine, with whom I'd fallen so deeply in love, was yet another one.  

So it took me quite a while to get over my anger and disappointment that, here we go again... . But there are pwBPD and there are pwBPD on steroids, and some people, because it's a spectrum disorder, are much easier to deal with than others.

Thankfully my current husband is a really nice guy, other than the occasional BPD outbreaks. But it's something that always will impact how we relate. I cannot be as totally open with my feelings and thoughts as I am with my girlfriends and that's disappointing. However, we have a really nice life together. It seems we all bring baggage into relationships. It's a question of whether or not you can live with your partner's baggage--and in some cases, it's not worth the hassle.