Angry at their own behavior in others, then expect you to back them up.

[mssalty]

I'm curious if anyone has had the experience of the person with BPD in their life complaining to you about others behaviors and your first thought is "that's exactly the same thing you do to me constantly."   

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[Bnonymous]

Yes, frequently. At first, it used to really get on my nerves because I saw it as blatant hypocrisy. Now, after getting to know him better, I see it as defensive projection.

People with BPD often suffer from toxic shame and can be very defensive around guilt as it moves so quickly from "I did something wrong" to "I am wrong. I am all wrong. I am all bad". Projecting the faults onto others like this can be a defence against that shame.

On the surface, it looks unhealthy and dishonest, but, with my guy, I have come to recognise that it can actually work as a first step to taking responsibility (even though it looks like a way to avoid it).

When mine does this, it is because he is feeling guilt over having done the things he's slagging everyone else off for (he offers this explanation himself in retrospect, once enough time has passed for him to be able to face it). Condemning it in other people is like a way of disowning the behaviour. Then, once he's disowned it, he is free enough from shame to be able to look at it impersonally and observe that it is against his values. Then, once some time has passed, he kind of "reowns" it again, with recognition "I know I have done that. And I shouldn't have done because I don't agree with it".

(This is the kind of thing that keeps me with mine - he can show quite courageous self-awareness once he's had time to create a bit of emotional distance. I know not everyone is like that.)

But, yeah, it's hard to hear when they're doing it. It can make you feel like tearing your hair in frustration.

I would suggest not pointing out what they're doing, because that would be likely to trigger shame. One thing I'm thinking is could you maybe use it as an opportunity to explore their values with them in the abstract? When they're slagging someone off for doing blah-blah, gently guide the conversation into how they feel about blah-blah and why they feel it's wrong? It might help them to affirm their values a bit, which might (just might) encourage them to work to avoid these behaviours in themselves.  Also people with BPD tend to be very insecure and unstable in their identities; opportunities to explore and affirm their values and beliefs can help a little with this. I'd try to guide the conversation away from whoever they're slagging off but not turn it back on them - maybe see if they can be encouraged to examine the issues in an abstract, philosophical kind of way?

(ETA: I've just realised that I was calling yours "him" even though you didn't specify a gender, sorry! I'm just used to saying "him" because mine's male! Have gone back to my post and edited the pronouns.)

[once removed]

One thing I'm thinking is could you maybe use it as an opportunity to explore their values with them in the abstract? When they're slagging someone off for doing blah-blah, gently guide the conversation into how they feel about blah-blah and why they feel it's wrong?

thats aces advice. you can piggyback on that approach with the power of asking validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0)

so, whats your partner complaining about mssalty?

[isilme]

Yes.

We are close friends with another couple, and while I love her as one of my closest friends, the W has many BPD fleas if not outright BPD.  She herself even jokes she is the female version of my H, and I am the female version of hers.  Her husband and I are the emotionally stable caretakers, who keep things running in our respective lives... .while she and my H are the volatile ones, who can adult sometimes, but not consistently, make emotional decisions, self-medicate with food, fly off the handle, etc.

H thinks it's funny sometimes and agrees that the comparison at times is apt, but at others, he gets really really mad at her, because I think seeing HIS friend, the husband, dealing with someone being irrational, needy, clingy, seeing himself in that mirror, makes him upset.  He never gets mad at her to her face of course, just tells me I need to make my friend behave better. 

He tries to say, "I not as bad as her," but he's also a guy, 10 years older, not from a Latin family (much more open drama than WASPs, trust me.
 WASPs just simmer for decades, quietly.  her family openly yells and shouts, even when happy) and has had to learn the hard way some of the lessons she will come upon, soon.  She is pre-diabetic, in denial.  H is diabetic, in some denial.  She has multiple health issues that are not helped by her being sedentary and addicted to food.  H is struggling with having to adjust to his addition to food now that his diet had to cut many things to prevent kidney stones and keep sugar somewhat stable. 

H hates that she will berate her husband via text, "forgetting" how many tirades he's subjected me to in person, via messenger and via text. 

She wants her husband awake, in the room with her, paying attention to her reactions as she watches her reality shows, but also to make sure the house is clean, yard cared for, animals cared for, but not leave her side at all.

H wants me awake, by his side when he is playing video games, or watching a movie, and gets ad if I leave the room to tend to dishes, pet care, or the yard.  He resents me getting groceries.  He will refuse to eat until I am inside, home, or sitting by him, which can lead to terrible rages as his blood sugar drops.

She resents him being asleep when she is awake, and likes to turn up the TV, on all the lights, and make as much noise as possible to force him to wake up. 

H sees my taking a nap, even in the room where he is, as abandoning him, and will often be passive aggressive when he feels I've slept enough coming to specifically wake me when he's ready for me to be up, or cooking loudly (or half ass straightening the kitchen for me to wake up and cook).  He's doing better, but that's after 23 years of this. 

She is upset her husband won't just go "get himself fixed up" for his chronic pain - he is only about 35, but I think he has rheumatoid arthritis from Lyme disease as a kid plus doing all the heavy labor for his family - his brother is bipolar and unhelpful, his sisters are girls so they get a pass.  She doesn't understand the kind of chronic pain he has, and get upset when he moans and gasps if moving and things hurt.  She does not seem to grasp that if she helped her H with chores and stuff, he'd be in a little less pain.

H is somewhat frustrated there is not "cure" for my chronic migraines and frustrated I am put out of commission by them, making somewhat snide comments about how he knows he is the cause as if guilting me for him having to feel bad about my migraines will make them go away.  He does not realize that if he was able to help more, demand less, and be less gloomy, they'd resolve a bit on their own.

I think the mirror helps sometimes - it makes him want to exercise more, sometimes, eat less crappy, sometimes, and at others, it makes him mad to see the comparison that can cause shame.