Tired of worrying my 16yr daughter, are we doing the right thing?

[Zsofia]

I am worrying constantly about my 16 year old daughter. She is not listening to her parents at all now. She is using blackmail, saying unless we put the mobile data  and outgoing calls back on her phone, she won't go back to school or take her anti depressants. Often threatening suicide if we make her upset. Lately I've been worried sick, but I think we shouldn't give into her demands. We cut the phone priviledges when she had an unauthorised party at our house when she refused to come on holiday with the family. And she's been ringing older guys to pick her up and take her in the middle of the night.
She is throwing away all her opportunities and spending time with other kids who don't go to school or take notice of any authority.
I'ts starting to look like emotional abuse now, but then I wonder if we are doing that to her, almost like blackmailing her to go to school then we will give her the phone priviledges back.
It's all confusing, but I've started reading the "Essential Family Guide to BPD" by Randi Kreger and I think it's really going to help.
I am exhausted with crying and being consumed by her when I have 2 other kids to look after who haven't been getting much of my time.Intuitively I can sense this is not a healthy way for me to react.
Any thoughts anyone?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Welcome Zsofia  ,

   I'm so very sorry that you are going through this right now. So happy you found this place. You sound very tired and worn out. Worry will do nothing but wear you down. Sadly too, it changes nothing. But I can totally understand where you're coming from. And the question you asked about blackmail is great! Yes it has two parts, the child's part and then our part. My D who just turned 36 is a master of manipulation, blackmail and emotional abuse of me. I have always used natural consequences on her. I have some pretty tough boundaries now. For me (us) I have never used the concept that if you do this... .I'll do this>>  in return. I tell my D it's all about trust and respect. Both of which are earned. Even though my D is much older than yours, she still has consequences; like if you can't get your dirty clothes off the floor and into the laundry room, then they won't get washed. Basically the same as what you are doing with the phone. In my house privileges are earned.
  Sounds like you are on the right track, keep reading, keep posting here. Check out the lessons. And oh my yes you are so right when you say you are being consumed by her. In my own mind sometimes I call my D the black hole. I understand your exhaustion, I'm raising my grandson ( my D's child).
   Hang in there Zsofia, it does get better, it will change, you will find great support here.
Sending you hugs   

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Zsofia,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have been in your shoes. It's terrible. I'd like to recommend two more books:

- Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents

- Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

The former is a really good resource, and the second will help you decide what boundaries you want to set and go about setting them.

I'm falling asleep but I hope that is helpful!

[Zsofia]

Thank you both so very much for your replies. It really helps me to know someone really understands. We had to put her in hospital now, and she has to stay until the doctors decide it is safe for her to leave. I don't know if it's too late now, but I'm really trying to get her linked up with the DBT therapy. Feeling terrified of the effect an upcoming funeral is going to have on her, as her friend's brother committed suicide recently and she has her heart set on going to it.
Well, she is getting time out from the chaos of her life while she is in the mental health unit, but it's a small window of time to get her to stop and think about the train wreck that her life has become, and to get her to cooperate with taking her meds etc. I need to accept that it's going to be a long term journey with many setbacks.
bluek9, you really help give me some clarity with those issues, and some direction. Hyacinth Bucket, I will certainly look at those books. Boundaries are my weak point and I see now how badly it's been needed.
So glad I joined this site, and am looking forward to getting help from the Tips and Tools.