Need suggestions on Safety Plan for adult daughter with BPD & alcholism

[Yo Mama]

Hello everyone,

I would like to be added to the Oz group for family members of Borderlines.
I am a parent of a 32-year old daughter recently diagnosed with BPD, who clearly has a co-occurring abuse of alcohol.  She has recognized & admitted the BPD, and is committed to a 6-month DBT program (and hopes to be admitted to the Hill Center for Women's 2-week program at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA).  She has not yet admitted (on a consistent basis) to the alcoholism - choosing, instead to blame it on BPD "triggers" which she feels she can avoid.  She continues to hide alcohol use, except when (as 2 instances recently) she binge drinks.

We -  her family - are trying to come up with a Safety Plan of agreement containing limits that we can actually enforce when she challenges them with regard to the drinking.  She has nowhere else to live & is currently unemployed & without a car (due to DUI induced traffic accident that totalled the car).  I am looking for some advice on how to proceed with limits that can be enforced while still allowing her to live safely at home.  Having BPD, she is easily triggered to go back to NZ where she has been living for awhile.  Whenever she does that, though, she ends up back here b/c she can't live on her own (divorced a year ago).  Would love any suggestions!  Thank you all!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Yo mama:  I am not going to say much with respect to the advice you seek on "enforcing" an agreement with a BPDD, because just the idea of such a thing with my DD19 makes me cringe.  If I try to "enforce" anything, she reacts with quite a bit of "force!"  She hasn't really ever accepted responsibility for her actions and she passes out quite a bit of blame, but never on herself. 

I wanted to contribute by sharing that until my daughter was stabilized on meds that helped her with some of her really challenging issues that come up as a result of her BPD (sleeplessness, anxiety, etc), she used a lot of other substances to help herself cope.  I have a lot of empathy for patients with BPD, because they go through a lot (in their head).  My daughter was in the hospital for a week about a month ago and they put her on medications.  I must say, the medications have made an extreme difference in the managability of her issues.  I am wondering if perhaps your daughter could get some medications to help her with her symptoms FIRST, and then see how much drinking happens, once those medications are in place and handling symptoms.  Your post says itself that your daughter even admits to using alcohol to help with her BPD... .and I believe her... .fwiw?

Welcome to the group.  I am finding it refreshing to be amongst others who "speak the language" of what we see, experience, go through, etc.  So far, even though I am rather new myself, I am happy to be a part here.

[wendydarling]

Hi Yo Mama

I join LontR welcoming you to the family.  

It's great to hear your daughter is engaging in treatment following her recent diagnosis. This is a very positive step. My DD was self medicating on alcohol too, I can understand your concern. She attended a drug and alcohol service which she found very helpful. It's hard when they can't admit there is a problem, do you think setting limits may make her run to NZ? What other behaviours are you dealing with?

WDx

[Only Human]

Hello Yo Mama.

Along with LotR and wendydarling, I welcome you here.

I'm not familiar with any of the residential treatment programs for people w/BPD but I wonder if they are similar to the short-term stays my daughter has had at psychiatric facilities (in her adolescence) and whether, as her family, you will be brought in to the aftercare plan when she is discharged.

~ OH