Continuous Nightmare

[Montanaandy]

Our youngest daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD/organic mood disorder after years of being treated Bi-Polar.  She initially did outpatient IOP but when that was not successful began partial in-patient IOP.  It was while she has been in IOP that that BPD diagnosis was made and after looking at the symptoms, while she does not meet all of them she meets enough of them and we are not questioning the diagnosis.  About 1.5 years ago she moved from a red state to a blue state to live with her sister/husband in order to obtain better medical care.  She was diagnosed with Bi-Polar several years ago and has been prescribed just about every drug out there with the latest being lithium.  She is a heavy marijuana smoker and while everything we have read indicates that this is not a good thing for her to be doing, she claims it takes the edge off and we look the other way because it at least provides us with a shot break from the chaos.  Despite being in IOP and being taught techniques to cope with her BPD, she seems to have really regressed and what were normally nightly calls to my wife that last for hours to complain about her sister, work, basically everything, we are now having meltdowns several times a day.  Her sister has allowed her to live with her basically rent free for the past 1.5 years but is at the point where she wants her to move out and frankly we cannot blame her.  She is subject to constant abuse from the BPD daughter and is on the verge of a mental breakdown herself because of it.  My wife and I are at the end of our rope because despite the years of counseling and recent therapy there has been no progress.  At this point we are ready to move her back to a red state where she will not receive the medical care that she desperately needs but she cannot afford to continue to live in the state where she is because of the high cost of living.  Thank you for allowing me to vent and if anyone can offer any advise it would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Montanaandy 

Welcome

I am sorry to hear of what brought you here, you certainly have a lot to contend with. Your elder daughter sounds amazing, taking your daughter into her home and allowing her to live there practically rent free, but unfortunately now, everything is taking it’s toll on her. Are you thinking of moving your daughter back in with you and your wife? How old is your daughter? Is she able to support herself?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to build a better picture to enable us to best help you x 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Montanaandy,

I am glad you found us. Everyone here understands 1000% what you are going through. I am sorry that circumstances have brought you here but i hope you will find the support and resources you need.

I wanted to recommend a book that I am currently reading, both for you and your older daughter. It's called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." It's a fabulous resource both for learning to set boundaries/reclaim your sanity, and also learning better communication techniques to talk to your daughter.

[Montanaandy]

BPD daughter is 23.  We would prefer for her to continue to live in a blue state where medical care is much better than the red state that we live in but we are coming to the point where she will likely have to move back in with us and rely on little to no mental health care.  Today has been a typical day - she lashes out at her older sister who just asked her a simple question about her laundry.  This is followed by the BPD calling my wife and telling her that she is having thoughts of hurting herself, worthlessness, etc.  She won't return home while the others are present because she says she does not deserve to be there.  Everyone leaves to give her space. The BPD calms down briefly and has a relatively stable afternoon and goes to a thrift store and purchases a couple of books.  Evening comes and we are back to the normal evening pattern where my wife spends 4-5 hours on the phone wet nursing her and trying to convince her that she should not harm herself, that she has worth, etc.  Something has to give - we cannot continue down this path.  It is destroying our family.  We are all highly educated and strong willed but have never dealt with anything like this.  I am familiar with mental illness - my mother suffered from mental illness and I have also had depression and anxiety but these were not daily and we got help and moved on with our lives.  This is like "Groundhog Day" where we repeat the same horrible pattern every day but are unable/unwilling to do anything.

[Momofadultbpd]

Please check out my thread on ketamine and DBT.

I strongly recommend that everyone in the family watch Dr Frizzettis video on VALIDATING IN FAMILIES. Using his techniques has already made a huge difference in
My daughters manipulative behavior and threats of suicide. And it has helped our families deal with her in a better way than we had been.

MomofadultBPD

[Only Human]

Hello Montanaandy  

I join Feeling Better, Hyacinth Bucket, and MomofadultBPD in welcoming you to the Family.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and can imagine how exhausted you all are. Spending 4-5 hours on the phone must be very draining for your wife, you can't continue down this path. I hear you, understand you. You have come to the right place for support. I am glad you found this great site.

my wife spends 4-5 hours on the phone wet nursing her and trying to convince her that she should not harm herself, that she has worth, etc.  

This is familiar to me with my daughter. I would talk to her for hours, putting my own needs aside. My need for sleep, my need for whatever... .I was trying desperately to find some magic words to ease her suffering. By reading and posting here, I'm learning that it's important to put my needs first. As they say on the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on first!

Have you had a chance to read some of the tools here?

Is your daughter receiving any public assistance? What support do you and your wife have?

~ OH

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Yes, do read as much as you can about validation. No amount of convincing will ever work. All she actually wants is to be heard and have her feelings validated (for example, say "I hear you say you feel worthless because xyz." You'll be astonished at how much that helps assuage the situation.

[Momofadultbpd]

This situation sounds very familiar. Check out the TOOLS section.

I felt that I had to stay on the phone or sitting on her Bed for 8-12 hours at a time. I said and promised everything hoping to hit on some magic words to calm her down. NOTHING WORKED in 15 years. She tried every medication and had several psychiatrists and psychologists. I’ll credit the  meds and therapy  for “keeping her going” but it did not make any difference in her actual disease. It was a band-aid, but it was valuable. The only way to stop her tantrum was heavy dose of Seroquel followed hy a day of sleep and pouting.

It’s too early to know if we have finally broken this pattern  But I am hopeful that what I have learned on TOOLs is already helping. And we are halfway through ketamine. And DBT for her starts soon.

[Montanaandy]

Thank you all for taking the time to post and give me/us some helpful suggestions/insight into what we are dealing with.  It is greatly appreciated.

We have purchased a couple of the books that were recommended (I Hate You Don't Leave Me & Walking On Eggshells) and are reading those.  We will read the TOOLS section and learn additional information on how to better deal with this.  I am also going to read/view all of the suggested materials.

She had medical coverage that is paid for in large part by the state where she lives because she is a minimum wage scale worker.  Our older daughter works in health care which has helped us find good care in the city where the BPD lives.  The older daughter also attends therapy specifically to deal with this situation and my wife is doing online counseling in an attempt to keep what is left of her sanity.  I will likely begin the same shortly in that it has worn me down even though I am not on the front line like my wife and daughter.

It has only been a few weeks since she was formally diagnosed with BPD even though my older daughter has suspected it for a while.  We had assumed that these episodes were part of bi-polar mania even though they really didn't fit the pattern all that well.  When we began to look at the symptoms of BPD after her diagnosis (BPD with organic mood disorder) it was like a light was turned on.  At least we finally have a better understanding of exactly what we are dealing with.

[Momofadultbpd]

BPD and Bipolar have a lot of overlapping symptoms. And it is estimated that maybe 20% of patients have both.

We thought we were dealing with bipolar for 15 years. BPD was finally mentioned about 6 months ago and just like you the lights went on!  Also just like you, my other non BPD daughter knew something else was up than bipolar years ago.

Keep reading and learning. It can get better.

[wendydarling]

Hello Montanaandy  

I join friends, welcoming you and your family, to family here.

You share it's a recent BPD diagnosis for your daughter. How has your daughter received this, was it a light bulb moment for her, has she accepted, it makes sense to her, a relief people now understand her struggles, pain?

I'm glad you've joined us, family here helped me turn it round.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

BPD and Bipolar have a lot of overlapping symptoms. And it is estimated that maybe 20% of patients have both.

Yes! My DD's first dx was BPD, it's extended to Bipolar. I do think BPD was the right entry for her, dx and treatment and now she's addressing the Bipolar. Interested to how other parents feel.