Re: Twice bitten: so many false accusations I'm losing touch with reality (part 4)

[2020]

This thread has been continued from a previous thread that was locked for length:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330596.0;all

But the crucial point I think you may be missing, a major philosophical change that you must make in order to make things better, is that your beliefs, behaviors and strategy must not hinge on how she's behaving.  You must not simply relax and enjoy the white periods.  If you do, you'll just get hammered when things turn black, and you'll be fully participating in the cycles still.

I have been thinking about this. How do you adopt this sort of change? I am finding it difficult seeing what this would look like. It is a fine line. So much time can be spent validating and dealing with dramas. I really want to get this.

My partner had a toothache today. I just went to pick my Son up from school and told her to stick around for 10 minutes and we'd get to the dentist. On the way home I saw her walking up a street. She must have run off as soon as I left home. I have gone to look for her but she is nowhere to be found. It looks like my white period has suddenly been eclipsed. They don't last long, the good ol' days, do they?

I am in the huge cavity of a large star ship. Alarms have begun... .first "BEEP, BEEP". Then on top, "Woop, Woop". Soon "BAAAARP, BAAAAARP, BAAAARP... ." Then all   will be let loose. Men will be scrabling into their fighters. I predict I am about to head into a World of  . How can one possibly have a life, plan anything more than even an hour ahead, with this random wild card being played so often?

One of THOSE days. I won't keep updating this drama here. I just need to deal with it somehow, but how? I'll report back once the autopsy has taken place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

   I have gone to look for her but she is nowhere to be found. 

Did she leave a note asking you to come find her?  Why do this?

FF

[2020]

Yes, why am I doing this? It seems obvious. If she chooses to disappear, then why am I chasing after her? This has to stop.

Yesterday was a mess. She came back here drunk, wanting me to drive her 200 km plus to my sister. She is a vet and had a baby two days ago. She was insisting that she could pull her tooth out . I refused. She then went to the local hospital and that was the last I saw of her. I don't know where she is; probably nursing a huge hangover.

And no, I won't go looking for her. Instead I shall get some work done and catch up on some jobs around the home which I have been neglecting because I spend so much energy running around after her.

[Radcliff]

I'm thinking of two things when I give the advice to not sit back during the white periods then be reactive when things hit the fan:

* We must have a personal direction with things like self care, our career, our personal projects, and our relationships with children that is independent of our partner's behavior.  If we don't, we cease to be full persons, and are merely an appendage of our partner.  We lose our identity and our effectiveness for ourselves, our partner, and our other loved ones.  It seems like you are starting to understand this, but it's tough to break old habits -- it will take time.  Keep sharing your successes and challenges here, and congratulate yourself for any wins.

* It's natural to be relieved that good times have arrived and avoid doing anything that might remotely upset our pwBPD.  Sometimes if we're super amazing we can delay disaster by a few hours or days.  But it always comes.  We need to use the calm times to attempt to make progress in our relationship.  During the calm times, we can't just forget about our boundaries (for example, neglecting a personal project because we don't want the calm time to end).

So, both our personal direction and our boundaries must remain consistent through white and black periods, and we must be willing to take some risks in the white periods and make progress that would likely be impossible in the black periods.

Does that make sense?

RC

[2020]

Yes it does make sense Radcliff. I like your wisdom. I just hope I can put some of this into place.

Everything is falling to pieces today. It was brewing yesterday morning. Her seeing me in the car driving my Sons from school was enough to set this off. I did tell her where I was going, and I also said how long I'd be. Today I didn't go running to her; she came to me, drunk. There was no point trying to reason with her. She disappeared and reappeared at least twice. Apparently, it all started because I called her by her full name, not her short name the night before, if you know what I mean. She concluded than meant I was sick of her. She has been gone a few hours now. When she left I said I will not be coming to look for her. Maybe that was a bad thing to say. I am battle weary. Even though I said what I did, I will slowly go insane as the clock moves through the night into dawn. How do you separate yourself from this? It is hard not to care. I am such a slow learner. At present I am getting two to four pleasant days every four weeks... .

EDIT: Radcliff, I will now read through what you said before. I will really READ it. I need to get this. If I can just work on this today, maybe I would have achieved something.

[Radcliff]

Hang in there.  Your behavior and thought patterns formed over years, so it's hard work to change them.  Keep coming here, and we'll keep encouraging you.

You are going to need a lot of support to get where you want to go.  bpdfamily will be an important source of support, but you need more.  Face-to-face is important.  I'm fairly sure we've mentioned Al-anon meetings before.  Have you been to one?  Could you get to one this week?  You will find people there who understand what you're going through, and the changes they'll advocate there are compatible with what we teach here.

RC

[2020]

Hello Radcliff. Thanks for you dedication here.

I do have an excellent psychologist. I see him every three weeks roughly, or when I am experiencing difficulty. My Sister knows what is going on in my life. We communicate regularly and she is supportive.

I have had my fair share of addiction issues myself in the past. Sadly I was an all day everyday addict for a good quarter of a century. I can't even remember the year I stopped the self medication, or whatever it was. Maybe ten years ago? I did try many methods and it took me a few goes to succeed. I'll just say the NA/AA model was not for me. Realising it was me putting the drugs in my mouth and only I could change that, was how I stopped. Perhaps I can apply what worked in ceasing these other addictions, to this present problem? Maybe the 'higher power' resides within? We have a lot more control than we think. Easier said than done though!

[RomanticFool]

Hi 2020,

Just wanted to offer some solidarity to your situation. I have been involved with both BPD and NPD (traits) women and I understand how all consuming these relationships can be. The recent NPD woman tried to make me her emotional caretaker and I told her very honestly that I was unable to do this. I know this felt like a mini betrayal to her because she seeks the safety and security of an unending supply for her emotional needs to avoid constant dysregulation.

I also have addiction issues and attend AA meetings regularly. I have found AA a very good support network and while I hear your reservations about the 12 step programme I just wanted to offer an alternative view of it. There is a fantastic source of support in the meetings and I rely on them to help keep my emotions on an even keel. It really sounds as if you have your hands full with your partner and it must be very difficult to try to carry on as normal while her behaviour becomes dysregulated and she is out there tearing up the traces. I think you are doing an amazing job to retain any emotional equilibrium under the circumstances.

RF

[2020]

Thanks RomanticFool! All support much appreciated. I do read your posts too. Yes I do have my hands full with my partner. I also have an Autistic Son which keeps me busy too. When my partner and alcohol unite, it makes everything extra difficult. She's been drinking for a very long time, since she was about ten years old actually. Her Father gave her beer as a way to cope with her Mother's cancer diagnosis. She's been drinking most days ever since.

Over the years I have watched her get into a lot of trouble due to alcohol. She has been arrested, lost her driving license, hurt herself, ended up on crutches. She has had rages where she smashes things up or self harms, or has a go at me. It goes hand in hand with the BPD. I see that alcohol is a part of other people with BPD lives.

Today she went on a big bender. I was unwell all day with a sinus headache. She took that to mean I was sick of her. She left and reappeared all throughout the day, progressively getting more and more drunk. All the while I lay in bed with a pounding head. The final visit was at 11pm where she accused me of having sex with my Son. I told her I won't put up with her abuse and she left saying she never wants to see me again. My headache has now gone and I get to enjoy some of the evening. I did tell her to see me tomorrow when she can cobble together an apology. Not much I can do about her nonsense right now. I need a break.

She ought to consider detoxing at the hospital. They would take her in for 14 days free of charge. She probably needs a rehab for a year. She could get into therapy with a BPD specialist clinic and have it paid for with a bit of effort. I have done the groundwork and made enquiries. Can I see her doing any of this? Probably not.

[RomanticFool]

Hi 2020,

Wow that really does sound like a chronic case of alcoholism.

My ex BPD lover started drinking again after 10 years sobriety and her mental health immediately deteriorated and the drama increased substantially. I was on the receiving end of constant taunts followed by drunken declarations of love followed by suicide threats. I was so pleased when she stopped again. She is now training to be a therapist and we have managed to become quite friendly. Having said that I spoke to her today as she was dysregulating caused by the stress of her studies and the daunting workload.

I think detox sounds like a great idea for your partner. As you say, probably easier said than done but if she ever can manage to get sober, she may well thrive in AA. It is great for giving chaotic people (like me) a structure and purpose in life which can really improve some outlandish behaviours of disordered people. Good luck my friend.

[formflier]

The final visit was at 11pm where she accused me of having sex with my Son. 

Not much I can do about her nonsense right now. I need a break.
 

Why tell her anything when she spews nonsense. 

If she accused you of bestiality with unicorns and flying monkeys... what would you say?  Seriously.   (i'm hoping you would be slack jawed... .perhaps say "do what?"... .)

I suspect you are giving her some sort of reinforcement (unintentionally) by giving a response to crazy talk like that.

FF

[2020]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Yes she does have an alcohol problem. Just the other day we had maybe two days where I would consider this a 'normal' relationship. We had dinner together, slept together. Then one morning she woke up and left. She came back 20 minutes later. I had just woken up. She said, "You don't want me around, do you"? I told her that was not the case. She left and went and drank all day. I did not run after her. Now two days later things are stand-off-ish. We were in the same bed last night. She had wanted to talk to me but she just gets angry and rakes up a load of stuff from the past 10 years and calls my kids abusive spastics. Yes they are lazy and could be more responsible, but they pretty much keep to themselves and stay in their rooms. I have suggested to her than she might want to address the alcohol consumption and consider caring about her mental health, but she probably won't do either. Once again I am hanging on by a thread. I am getting to the point where I don't care if it all falls apart completely. I am enjoying myself alone. My day gets worse when she turns up. How bad is that?

[formflier]

  Yes they are lazy and could be more responsible, but they pretty much keep to themselves and stay in their rooms. 

Instead of worrying about your pwBPD's antics.  Why not get your kids out of their rooms and go do something... .together.  Take a walk.  Teach them responsibility.  Be a Dad.

My guess is that a lot of your frustration comes from the "investment" you make in your relationship and the lack of "return on investment". 

My guess is if you invest that energy in your kids... .you will get lifelong returns. 

Plus... .when your pwBPD realizes you aren't paying attention to her antics anymore... .perhaps she calms down some.

FF

[2020]

Thanks Formflyer for your advice. I think you are guessing correct.

Yesterday I had to take the car to the mechanic to get the belts changed. I went there with my son after school. Apparently she saw me down the laneway at the mechanic and I ignored her. I did not see her, but I really got to hear about it last night. I think my non-JADE-ing skills were pretty good.

Today is another black day. It started off dark grey. We can't be together because of my kids, or so she says. She doesn't want anything more to do with me. Right now, this second,  I can't say I am too worried about it. She denies being an alcoholic or in need of therapy. I am just sick of the constant drama. I use up all my time and energy on it. She calls this a part time relationship, yet this is what she has created. I would like the two uneventful yet pleasant days per month to be an everyday happening. It just doesn't work that way. I can be as nice as hell but the very next morning, a tornado may strike... .

Ok, so I need a plan. I'll spend some time with my kids, and I will spend more time doing the things I like to do. It would have to be way easier changing me than trying to change her. Maybe in the process, she will have to change too?

Thanks for standing by me Formflyer. I really apreciate your time and wisdom. I'll try and make some personal changes.

[Radcliff]

2020, I remember recently reading an article about how there were many people for whom the AA model didn't work.  As I was reading the article, it felt like my Al-anon experience was very different from what they described of the AA experience.  I remember coming away with the impression that based on my experience with Al-anon, I thought it was very effective.  Whatever works is the thing to do.  What you've been doing up to now hasn't been working.

If you step back and look at the last six months, do you see yourself making lasting improvements?  (That's not a trick question, just a genuine inquiry about whether you feel better about how things are going for you).

RC

[2020]

Hello Radcliff,

I think lasting improvements will take a lot of time and effort. The past few days have been better than the usual dramas. We are both getting on with our business plans and my partner is working hard on her end of it all. I see occasional almost blind optimism on her part, but as a whole I'd describe her mood as being constantly depressed. Yesterday she kept complaining about life in general and how she has wasted her time over the past 10 years. I am careful not to buy into it. Between us we should by all rights be busy working until the end of this year. I am hoping next year may be better. I am having trouble making time for my own interests amongst this. In answer to your question, knowing what the issue, her issue was or is has been a sense of relief. I am at the stage where the enormity of this has sunk in. It is going to be a constant part of life at least for some time. Whether I have the stamina for it remains to be seen. No doubt I'll be updating here when it all falls apart.

[Radcliff]

No doubt I'll be updating here when it all falls apart.

Hey brother, remember, stay on this when it's not falling apart!  You need to be willing to develop your skills and try to make progress with her during calm times.  For example, how are you and she doing on boundaries?  Are you yielding everywhere to keep the peace, or are you able to hold healthy boundaries?  Are you able to spend as much time with your son as he needs?

RC

[2020]

Hello Radcliff.

On the weekend I had a day where she disappeared on me. I went looking for her; knocked on the door. As she wasn't available, I went to the beach with my Son. We had a great time looking at rock pools. Some were as small as a tea cup, each with their own little world going on in there. We took some photos with my old spy camera. Then we grabbed something to eat. She reappeared later that night and acted like nothing had happened.

The 'weather' is okay here so far today, however, it can always change randomly. I am reading here whenever I get the chance. I'll take you advice and look at boundaries. I mentioned to her the other day that I was going to claim the morning to myself and do my own thing. She didn't take to it too well. I should have spoken to her when I wasn't feeling frustrated and angry. I didn't exactly express it in the best way. Between her and my autistic Son, I don't get much of a life left to myself. I'd like to change that.

[Harri]

Looking at rock pools with your son sounds wonderful!

Boundaries are hard but doable.  They take practice.  Also, it is not uncommon that the pwBPD will get upset no matter how well they are managed.  You will get pushback sometimes, or maybe even every time.  As Radcliff says, working on this stuff and posting here when things are good, or at least calm, is going to make it much easier.

Having time for yourself is important.  Yes, I know you know that... .heh, but knowing it and doing it, along with making the changes necessary to do so, is a whole different thing.  Can you think of anything you can do that will give you some time away?  A class?  A sport?  Ummm... .yeah, I am really bad at this because I can't think of anything else to suggest!  haha.  Oh!  Some alone time exploring with your camera just for fun?

PS, I realize I am new to your story so some of this may have already been addressed.  apologies if that is so.

[2020]

Hello Harri,

The ship is sailing in calmer waters today. Yesterday was good too. It is funny, when things are going nicely, my partner asks, "Do you like me today"? I always say, "Of course I do. I love you." I wonder if she believes me? I am thinking about this, this morning. Specifically I am thinking about the whole validation thing. Maybe it is better to validate, kind of trickle-validate all the time, rather than wait until a drama rears its head and we go into panic mode? I might try that.

Yes, I will need to get some time for my own hobbies. I have a few. Most of them have fallen by the wayside over the past five years. I thank you for your thoughts.

[formflier]

It is funny, when things are going nicely, my partner asks, "Do you like me today"? I always say, "Of course I do. I love you." I wonder if she believes me?

How often does this happen?  Do you usually answer the same way?

What do you think would happen if you answered " Yes... why do you ask?"

or

"Yes... what's on your mind?"

FF