Custody court is looming

[JNChell]

Hello, friends. I’m here again for advice. It’s been a rough last couple of days with S3’s mom. My anxiety has kicked my butt and I wish I could just have a good, hard cry and go to bed for a long while. There is so much that happened in way of correspondence between us over the last two days. Something is going on with her. She’s dysregulating, I think. Anyway, I’ll try to condense and keep this as brief as possible.

This started in Sept. She took one of my weekends with our Son to attend her mom’s third wedding. Ok, fine. I asked that it be made up on my Bday weekend the following month. She refused. This caused conflict and I dropped the ball with communication tools.

She has put in place our state guidelines for custody (no court order). Every other weekend and one sleepover during the week. The status quo had been the first 3 weekends of each month (Fri. Evening-Mon. morning) and every Tues. for close to a year.

After putting our state guidelines into play, she violated them the same day by refusing to let me have our Son overnight on a Tues. Mind you, none of our conflict has been about our Son. I believe that I have triggered her and am now seeing for myself what I’ve read about here quite often.

I was paying her monthly support. She now refuses the money. She says that she has been approved for govt. daycare assistance. Add that to food stamps, HIP and whatever else she has. Also the vehicle that she extorted from me. Back on point.

We were trying to hash out the holidays and she went off a rail. She, once again, said that we are definitely going to court. Another bluff? I don’t know. I say yes because I can’t take this crap anymore. I try to redirect the craziness back to the best interests of our child. She doesn’t even seem to acknowledge him when I do. She’s out to get me is how it feels.

I have some pointed questions. Is “Splitting” recommended for divorce cases only, or will it be useful for my situation as well? We were never married. Also, is there any importance on me filing before she does?

All of this is about our child for me. I really feel that she is making this all about her and her highly narcissistic side has come back to take another bite out of dad.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello JNChell,
It deft sounds like she's deregulating.  Splitting is a good read for how to deal with npd/BPD, I was never married and it worked for me. Just remember never take anything personally, they have a distorted way of thinking which is at the center of their disorder. 
I would stick to BIFF statements and keep communication on a as to need to know basis only.  The holidays are usually a time where my exBPD would deregulate as well.

[worriedStepmom]

Since she is unilaterally changing the custody agreement that you've had for a year, you need to file for custody ASAP.   Judges often like to keep the status quo, and you need to make sure that it's obvious you are not okay with this new change.

[ForeverDad]

WSS is right, the sooner you head to court, the better your case.  The longer she does things her way, the easier it is for the judge to conclude the new status quo is okay.  Whether the court will give be willing to ignore the history and go with the schedule she saw on a website, who knows for sure?  In my county I found out that the schedules on the court's site were viewed more as suggested schedules.  Keep in mind your ex has her own perceptions, it's easy for a pwBPD to seize upon one thing that's favorable and insist it must be that way.

Generally we've concluded that while court often isn't "fair", it also is usually "less unfair" than the ex.