advice needed on Ex having manipulative hold on kids

[OnTheMend17]

It's all new to me... .breaking away from the years of condescending abuse, isolating from others, neglect, gaslighting, ridiculed, left to cry myself to sleep more nights than not, abrupt exits to leave me with the constant need for investigative work on NC whereabouts, secrets, lies, etc... .  I've got other experiences to fall back on to give me the strength to remove myself from this control, but this is all that my children have known.  They are under NC (spouse's initials) strong, constant pressure to choose NC's side.  The pressure on the kids by NC is not only false and manipulative, but destructive and is now involving them in NC litigations.  The pressure for the kids commitment to NC is without any limits.  NC pressures them to lie for NC in a court of law and the coaching is apparent.  The constant manipulation of situations is becoming more difficult to stand by and wait for the next injurious impact.  The false tears and pressure placed on the children to "save" NC is damaging beyond what I thought was imaginable.  I've thought about letting time take its' course to allow them to see the truth for themselves while I give nothing but support and love---neutralizing all discussions about NC and myself--telling them to focus on their relationship with NC and myself separately and that they shouldn't ever have to "choose" between parents.  I've read about parental alienation and the long-term effects that it has on children and it is heartbreaking and a helpless feeling.  It's hard not to take the loyalty of the children to NC personal, but I understand that this is all that they have known.  I'm sure that they are feeling secure currently with the positive feedback they are receiving since they've been neglected for so long.  The children are old enough to understand that this is complex and that there are two sides to every story.  I'm patient and will wait for them... .my love for them is sincere and I don't want a tug of war with them--to find that it only makes it worse.  NC thinks NC is winning, but I don't see it that way.  They are seeing the peak of the manipulation.  My fear is the pain that they will feel when they are tossed aside when NC finds another "host" to feed off of like a parasite.  I feel as if the veil of manipulation has been lifted with this time apart from NC.  They say that you don't know who you married until you divorce them.  I would like to protect my children, but I feel helpless... .Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
OnTheMend17

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  I am sorry to hear about your struggles with parental alienation.  It is a horrible form of child abuse and so painful for the alienated parent.

How old are your kids?  How often do you get to see them?  We have several members who are dealing with or have dealt with similar situations so you are not alone.  Things can get better.

What did you read about parental alienation? 

[ForeverDad]

Have you read Divorce Poison or browsed the author Richard Warshak's website?  One theme is that we have to address the alienation attempts in effective ways.

Courts and the mental health establishment have long been reluctant to embrace Richard Gardner's approach to alienation issues.  However, more recently Dr Craig Childress has approached the issue from a better direction, that alienation attempts are a form of child abuse.  That seems to have resonated better with the professionals.  Please read what he's written in his blogs.  One of the articles is named Jujitsu parenting.

[soundofmusicgirl]

OntheMend17 unfortunately I know exactly the pain and the place your post is coming from. This fall my husband went through the same thing with his sons.
It escalated so much that they accuse him of "not treating them well", "shaking them" and "hacking their phones". Only a year ago there was a loving and wonderful relationship. Now there is only yelling at my husband and fear of him and hate.
How did this happen? Or did anything happen to warrant the change in behaviour in my stepsons? No. Except we went to court last year September and BPDmom lost her motions. The alienation increased and the result is devastating.
My husband has decided he will not force the children to have contact with him (as that is one of the things they claimed he was doing). He is currently taking a break from calling them on the phone (aka being yelled at for 2 minutes and accused of insane and completely made up things by his children). He has also told them that he will not force them to visit him (they are 12 yrs now). Even though we have a court order that outlines all of the visits. My guess is that we will not see them again until they are much older. It is painful. They are suffering under the terrible reign of a BPDmother. We could throw another 100k and about 3 more years of legal battle at this. Nothing will change unless a court will take the children away from her. Which as we all know is almost impossible (unless BPDmom herself abandons the kids). So here we are... .

[DivDad]

You are certainly not alone. Trust me. 

 My uBPDex alienated my sons for many years.  They are now young adults and are coming around to a normal father/son relationship.  Once they leave the BPD household they will begin to see “the light.” That is, they will no longer be under the umbrella of “the world according to the BPDp.”

 In the meantime, it will be a painful time, but time is on your side.  Truly. 
My uBPDex alienated by sons and constantly put them in the middle of our issues, lied, manipulated situations , et al. 

During the darkest periods, I would just text my sons that I was thinking of them…or wished them well on whatever they were doing, and said “I love you.”  I didn’t want nor expected a response back, but they knew I was there for them and staying connected, albeit is a small way.
Keep the faith.

[Panda39]

Hi OnTheMend17,

You are not alone in experiencing Parental Alienation, my SO did as well during his divorce process (2 years ).  His daughters then D15 & D11, went through everything in his house and reported back to their uBPDmom down to what was in the refrigerator, read the text messages on his phone and reported those back to her, borrowed his laptop and refused to return it... .we suspect tried to hack into it (he had to call the police to get it back), and finally at it's worst made false allegations of abuse against him.

How old are your kids?

My advice is spend as much time as you can with the kids, show them that you love them and that you are the same old dad. If mom withholds visitation, won't let you talk to the kids on the phone or the kids "don't want to see you" (we know who's really pulling the strings)... .always call and visit at your scheduled time... .be consistent... .show them your desire to spend time with them.

I've pulled some information from the site on Parental Alienation... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0


When my SO's divorce was final (2012) he was awarded primary custody (which really helped with the alienation), the girls were older/more mature and in (2015) his daughters after being burned by their mother... .voted with their feet and moved in with him full-time. 

Hang in there,
Panda39