Things are shutting down, getting pretty cold and mechanical, busy day.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So today, we went together but in separate vehicles;

*went to the bank and separated accounts.
*went to the phone store, separated phones.

Next stop, Lowe’s for boxes and packaging tape.

And uBPDw and her sis#2 are going to see a rental just out of town.

No emotion... .no tears, cold and mechanical,

Seems the devaluation and character assisnation phase is complete,  now on to the discard.

Oh yeah... .and she wants a thousand bucks to pay back all the Christmas presents she has purchased for my side of the family... .

We will need to at some point; talk about her vehicle that I’m paying for and the car insurance... .

Have not talked about health insurance or lawyers yet, probably a good idea for me to go on ahead and lawyer up now.

I know what to do, keep records, text and emails, .and be very nice and cordial... .been through this before... .

What was it that FF said about pianos... .got to find the number for “two guys and a truck”... .

This looks like this is it... .

So I take it the boy and me will not be over to sisters and BIL’s for Thanksgiving dinner this year... . 

Red5

[Red5]

So today, we went together but in separate vehicles;

*went to the bank and separated accounts.
*went to the phone store, separated phones.

Next stop, Lowe’s for boxes and packaging tape.

And uBPDw and her sis#2 are going to see a rental just out of town.

No emotion... .no tears, cold and mechanical,

Seems the devaluation and character assisnation phase is complete,  now on to the discard.

Oh yeah... .and she wants a thousand bucks to pay back all the Christmas presents she has purchased for my side of the family... .

We will need to at some point; talk about her vehicle that I’m paying for and the car insurance... .

Have not talked about health insurance or lawyers yet, probably a good idea for me to go on ahead and lawyer up now.

I know what to do, keep records, text and emails, .and be very nice and cordial... .been through this before... .

What was it that FF said about pianos... .got to find the number for “two guys and a truck”... .

This looks like this is it... .

So I take it the boy and me will not be over to sisters and BIL’s for Thanksgiving dinner this year... . 

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry, Red. You’ve tried so hard. And sad after the loss of your precious puppy that the relationship should end like this.

I did have some thoughts about her motivations. That dog tied you together because you both loved her so much, and with her loss, the bonds that held the two of you together were loosened.

It’s apparent that she never tolerated your son very well and now with her life being threatened by cancer, she has perhaps even less tolerance. So maybe it’s a kindness for everyone that she removes herself from you and your son’s presence.

Thoughts of mortality often compel people to make changes and that could be much of what has been on her mind.

You’ve done so much to be supportive of her. Perhaps she will realize that in retrospect.

   
Cat

[Red5]

Our posts crossed Cat,

So uBPDw gets back “home”... .and comes into the office, as I’m sitting in here watching “The Terminal” (starring Tom Hanks)... .

S32 autistic is into his evening hygiene routine... .

She sits down and says to me... .“what do you want to do”... .

Hmmmm, I thought that this has already been determined,

We’ll get this... .she wants to stay married but stay separated permanently... .it’s the health insurance thing... .as she has been dx with r-c-c... .so, she thinks that she will be able to move out into this new place by the first week of December... .

She says that if I continue to pay for her Jeep + insurance that she does not want any other “compensation”... .due to the time period she’s lived here... .I told her that was what I intended and that she should take any and all whatever she wants... .

Then the conversation deteriorated into you you you you your son ~> you you you <~ this that and the other... .

I reminded her that she had struck him closed fisted on his forehead... .which then resulted in further dysregulation... .

My son was dx with craniosynostosis at age three, and he under went cranial vault remodeling surgury... .so it is not acceptable the he ever sustain any kind of head impact ever... .this is why I was so furiois with her... .

And the main reason she needs to go... .

Another long day... .she is locked away now in her (our bedroom)... .

So about three more weeks... .if she gets into this new place.

She told me... .“‘I want us to stay married until this condition overtakes me”... .“‘I need your medical insurance”... .

The F-O-G is very thick this evening... .

Thoughts comments are welcome... .my head is spinning ; (

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

So she was hasty and then thought the better of her initial strategy, and now she wants all the goodies of being married, without living together.

I totally get how you’d be very protective about your son ever sustaining a head injury. I don’t think most people realize how traumatic even slight head injuries are.

I found out after my concussion when I started doing neurofeedback and looking at my “brain map” every week and watching improvements in my cognitive functioning. Then I hit my head on the corner of my filing cabinet when I was picking something up from the floor.

That week I saw the damage on my brain map, even though it had only been a minor hit, and it took three months for it to completely resolve where there was no lingering trace on the weekly brain map.

So, yes, anyone who is extremely vulnerable, like your son, should never be subjected to that, and she should know that. It’s a huge violation that she hit him, not only because of his medical fragility but also because he’s cognitively impaired—it’s beyond the pale that she would think that’s OK.

And even a healthy adult should never be the recipient of a closed fist to the head. That is so many types of wrong... .

[Red5]

... .it’s beyond the pale that she would think that’s OK.

She admits it was wrong... .but in the same breath she tells me that I did not “defend” her after my son gave her the mean face and his raised fist... .

So it went like this... .it’s a little before seven in the AM, me and the boy are getting ready for school and work, coffee is brewing,

-she decided he had been in the bathroom long enough so she knocks on the door and tells him to open it, he is on the toilet... .in the #2,

-then she opens the door, and starts to “get on to him”... .

-so he gives her the frown mean face and raised his fist at her and shook it (her version),

-so this makes her mad, she tells him to pull up his pj bottoms and then she tells him to hold out his hand,

-when he does, she smacks it, I heard it... .SLAP!

-so he is now even more angry and reaches out and pinches the fire out of her leaving a bruise, he can be very quick, you don’t see it coming,

-she responds with a scream (I’m in the kitchen) and she hauls off and close fisted hits him in his left forehead three times,

That’s when I came on the scene... .

That’s when the fight started,

All this less than twenty four hours since the absolute heartbreak of little Kricket passing... .ugh ; (

So here we are this evening going about the logistics of separation... .

Yeah... .

Red5

[GaGrl]

Recently, you told her you would be there for her in what comes next.

You can do that without living in the same house.

In fact, you might be better able to support her without the other stressors (to you and to her).

Abandonment is the core issue of BPD. Her dog dying felt like abandonment. Your son's anger and your defense of him felt like abandonment (true or not).

What is the most kind situation you can help her establish to support her needs over the coming time?

[Red5]

... .What is the most kind situation you can help her establish to support her needs over the coming time?

To carry out the plan exactly as said, she moves out, we separate legally but never go through with divorce... .she keeps her coverage, and she keeps up with her treatment regime protocol... .

I even offered to help her financially, she says “I don’t want you charity”... .whatever... .

So there it is, this is how I help her, we stay married on paper but not in physical reality... .

She even made a remark about our nonexistent sex life... .?

You are correct... .I can support her, as I said; and as well promised I would via this plan,

I wonder if it will work... . will she “leave me alone”?

Will she... .will it be enough, it’s the only option, I am not going to abandon her with no way to get access to her treatments... .

But we can no longer live together... .that ship has sailed... .

Red5

[Red5]

Sitting here on the leather couch in the office watching “The Curse of Oak Island”... .my Son is in his room on his evening computer time... .I can hear train whistles as that’s what he is into at the moment... .

So uBPDw comes out of the bedroom, and I can hear her walking to the office door, it’s open but she actually knocks... .“yes?”... .

She says to me;

“I do love you but I can’t live with you, you want me to just live here “in your house” and not say anything to your Son, you don’t want me to be his mother, .’”or to mother him in anyway”... .or help you in any way... .my own two kids are telling me I’m the one who is wrong... .my family (foo) told me that they saw this coming... .and that they can see.that we don’t agree where your Son’s care is concerned... .my sister even said that you are a good man... .but they don’t know what it’s like living here with you and your Son, I have no say about his care, I can’t enforce any rules with him or you get mad at me... .I just can’t do this anymore”... .

I didn’t say anything for a few moments (training)... .then I came out with... .“you said you were done yesterday, and we have started the mechanics of separating our finances... .our telephones... .you have even started to pack your things, and looking for a place to move to ... .isn’t this what you want?”

She responds... .“yes I am done, I can’t live like this anymore... .I love you but I can’t live with you anymore”... .

I said... .“ok, then we proceed”... .she walked away and went back to the bedroom... .

Hmmmm,

Red5

[empath]

Oh, man... .  "mothering" should exclude whacking a child (of whatever age) upside the head, especially one that is medically vulnerable. I might be inclined to agree that you "disagree" about the "care" of your boy and that neither one of you can live like that... . 

Leaving out the parts that negatively reflect on her is to be expected... .  As is second guessing the situation and feeling really bad

[Red5]

Yes empath, .“feelings”,

It’s Sunday morning here, getting my Son up and ready for Church this morning, I have to do “extra getting ready” as I have usher duty this month.

Back sliding... .my mind is “recycling”... .want if... .want if... .what if, with the “fog”’rolling in heavy across my thoughts.

My udxw is on her iPhone with foo sis #2 who is helping her to find a new place... .exploring multiple options... .of course we are once again “living separately” in the home... .

The house is all a clutter... .the living room and kitchen are now “staging areas”... .all her picture and wall hangings cover all the couches and recliners... .

But my Son and I have the office, and he has his own bedroom and bathroom... .

There is a spare bedroom that is piled high with Christmas presents... .and more of her stuff,

Many times over the past several years I have “almost” moved in there... .if she lingers for a while... .I might just do that... .I can’t count the times I’ve went “bed shopping” to re-furnish the spare for myself... .the bed and furnishings that’s in there is all her’s from before we dated and married... .

I know it sounds quite silly but I choose not to sleep in a bed that she had sex with other men in... .LoL... .nope!

I want my own rack!

Anyways... .I could stage all that stuff in the garage till she does move out... .

Ah’... .logistics... .good to keep the mind occupied with such things so that I don’t back slide... .I have to keep forefront in my mind what she did on Friday morning... .and the things that she has said since... .

But we all know how the heart battles the mind... .and even as the “ole’ gut” stands by to oversee the whole affair... .

I better get moving now two hours till the service... .

I think me and the boy will go looking through the furniture stores this afternoon... .as we all know what next Friday is... .

I’ll be pretty much starting over where that is concerned... .

Yes empath, and to quote the “Captain” from the old movie “Cool Hand Luke”... .“better get your mind right Luke”’... .err’ Red,

Thanks for listening : )

Red5

[/quote]

[Red5]

Yes empath, .“feelings”,

It’s Sunday morning here, getting my Son up and ready for Church this morning, I have to do “extra getting ready” as I have usher duty this month.

Back sliding... .my mind is “recycling”... .want if... .want if... .what if, with the “fog”’rolling in heavy across my thoughts.

My udxw is on her iPhone with foo sis #2 who is helping her to find a new place... .exploring multiple options... .of course we are once again “living separately” in the home... .

The house is all a clutter... .the living room and kitchen are now “staging areas”... .all her picture and wall hangings cover all the couches and recliners... .

But my Son and I have the office, and he has his own bedroom and bathroom... .

There is a spare bedroom that is piled high with Christmas presents... .and more of her stuff,

Many times over the past several years I have “almost” moved in there... .if she lingers for a while... .I might just do that... .I can’t count the times I’ve went “bed shopping” to re-furnish the spare for myself... .the bed and furnishings that’s in there is all her’s from before we dated and married... .

I know it sounds quite silly but I choose not to sleep in a bed that she had sex with other men in... .LoL... .nope!

I want my own rack!

Anyways... .I could stage all that stuff in the garage till she does move out... .

Ah’... .logistics... .good to keep the mind occupied with such things so that I don’t back slide... .I have to keep forefront in my mind what she did on Friday morning... .and the things that she has said since... .

But we all know how the heart battles the mind... .and even as the “ole’ gut” stands by to oversee the whole affair... .

I better get moving now two hours till the service... .

I think me and the boy will go looking through the furniture stores this afternoon... .as we all know what next Friday is... .

I’ll be pretty much starting over where that is concerned... .

Yes empath, and to quote the “Captain” from the old movie “Cool Hand Luke”... .“better get your mind right Luke”’... .err’ Red,

Thanks for listening : )

Red5

[Baglady]

Hi Red,

I've lurked on several of your threads - I feel for what you are going through  

I think that this is one of the best summations of the difficulty of BPD detachment that I've ever read:

"But we all know how the heart battles the mind ... .and even as the “ole’ gut” stands by to oversee the whole affair ... ."

In my professional life, I work to support elementary students with profound autism.  On the easiest of days, these students are incredibly challenging (although so lovable in their innocence and authenticity).  I cannot fathom the difficulty of handling a highly dysregulated BPD spouse on top of that daily challenge especially when the spouse is working at odds with your common sense, hard-gained parenting knowledge and actually harming your child.

Your love for your son shines through all of your emails - he is such an incredibly lucky guy to have you in his life.   I doff my hat to your 32 years of advanced level parenting.  Quite simply you (and all my parents of students with autism) are the freaking unsung heroes of this world.

Hang in there.
Warmly,
Baglady

[Red5]

On the easiest of days, these students are incredibly challenging (although so lovable in their innocence and authenticity).  

Thank you Baglady, you’ve gone and made me cry now... .

I really needed to hear what you have written today, thank you!

So here we sit, at one of the local diners... .he is happy, he’s got his dr. pepper and his stuffed cat toy... .even the waiters here know him and come over to say hello... . it was another great service... .I sat him at the rear so I could keep an eye on him while I was “ushering”... .of course all the elderly ladies love the endless hugs and questions from him before and after the service... .

So my fellow “Methodist Men” all shook my hand firmly and said to tell my wife hello, as she of course did not come, .and they have no clue as to what is going on at home presently... .they all said... .“ hope you and your family all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Red”... .I wanted to freaking cry right there ; (

Got to stay on course here... .

As I sat in the church entrance during the service... .my mind was going through the endless files of the past... .what do I know;
*things are not ever going to change.
*she is not ever going to “get better” or “well”.
*things will only get worse.
*the good has been far out weighed by the bad.
*there has been too much said, to much “bad acting”

The pattern, patterns are quite clear here... .

Any ideas I may have to the contrary are not sustainable in accordance with the facts... .the history of this relationship speaks for itself.

Number one priority is to take as of my Son.

Tough... .but I need to let her go.

And it looks like she is really going to go through with it this time.

Hmmm, yeah... .“got to keep my mind right”.

Red5

[formflier]

Red 5,

Self care... self care!  Can you do extra stuff with your son.  To keep reminding yourself of priorities.

Sorry this is happening.  I have just a brief moment... .so here is the quick advice.

DO NOT make long term plans/promises. 

Come up with something like "Let's get you settled in a new place and go from there... "

You both understand that she cant' live there anymore...

Even her kids/FOO are telling her she is out of line... .yet she still tries to justify herself.

My advice... .get her and her stuff out of your house... .take a month or so cooling off period to remind yourself that you are awesome Dad... .have awesome son... .and that life is a life to focus on.

Then... start peeling back the layers of whatever your r/s will be like going forward.

Again... .I'm sorry Red 5... .this isn't what you deserve or wanted... .

FF

[Red5]

Red 5,

Self care... self care!  Can you do extra stuff with your son.  To keep reminding yourself of priorities.

Again... .I'm sorry Red 5... .this isn't what you deserve or wanted... .

FF

Thanks Brother!

Yeah, .it is what it is,

Me and the boy are out shopping for a new “rack” for Dad, and maybe some other furniture... .

What is the line from the UPS commercial... .“it’s logistics”,

Hope all is well in your grid square formflier !

Best Regards Red5

[Baglady]

Hi Red,
I completely agree with FF - self care should be your focus and I think right now you need to prioritize your own care above that of your son.  I'm guessing taking care of your son's needs is second nature to you so it's time to turn all that expert level attention to your own good self for a change.   What's the equivalent of your Dr. Pepper and stuffed cat toy ;-)? 

Apologies for making you cry but I'm guessing that you are long over due for a good cry fest?  Tears are healing and you've had to be so strong for the other people in your life for such a long time that you probably haven't allowed yourself to go there much.  Humor is fantastic (and you have it in spades!) but tears are very cathartic.  No shame in that game!

It sucks that this is happening around Thanksgiving.  I get it on a deep personal level.  This time last year my exBPDh was in the throes of a nightmarish violent psychotic rage spewing days of verbal abuse and some physical abuse at me.  The event precipitated our divorce.  Somehow in the middle of it all, I managed to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for nine of his clueless family members - don't ask me how!  The juxtaposition of all our private misery against the relentless "happy happy" of the holidays just makes it hurt all that much more.  I had to hide out in a hotel from my ex for a week during the worst of the raging for my own physical safety and I vividly remember wanting to attack and tear down all the beautifully decorated Christmas trees in the lobby.  The annoying cheerfulness of it all was an extra spike to the heart.

You have a church community - maybe it's time to slowly let some of them in on what is going on so that they can provide the support and comfort that you deserve right now?  They won't get the dynamic of your relationship - in quite the way we here get it - but they still could be helpful to you as you navigate your new reality?

All the best to you   
Warmly,
Baglady

[formflier]

My grid square has a stuck rear axle hub on an older subaru.  Trying to sort that out.

Bearing is getting pretty bad.  Me and boys tried several things for a while to get the hub out last night... .nothing budged.

My guess is you would swap for that problem anyday... .and perhaps rig up some ordinance to help that hub spindle depart the hub...

Hang in there red... .a good rack is an awesome thing.  I went with temperpedic years ago.  Cost a fortune... but never looked back.  No regrets.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with Baglady and FF that you need to put self care at the top of your list of to dos. And Temperpedics are amazing! We have four of them! I know, it’s crazy, but it’s like vacationing in different parts of the house to wake up after a good night's sleep on an awesomely comfortable bed.

And you don’t need to make any bold moves about your relationship. It wouldn’t hurt to meet with a lawyer, but you don’t have to make any decisions right now.

You might be surprised and things might get a lot better between the two of you once you live apart. She obviously doesn’t have the emotional maturity to support you in caring for your son and that has been a regular issue.

Perhaps there will be a way that you two can maintain a friendship without all the emotional dysfunction she has brought to your household. You never know... .

   
Cat

[empath]

Red, you are doing right by your son; that is very courageous and incredibly hard.

Ah, church... .  It can be disorienting to have to hide the dung of life from the churchy people. I know, I really know. Anyway, for a long time, I didn't tell folks at church what was going on at home; I've discovered in the past couple of years that some of them suspected the situation was bad.

So, for the past few years, my h has attended his church, and I've attended elsewhere. The past 9 months, he was free to choose to attend wherever he wanted and for the most part he continued to attend his church. I've continued to do what I had been doing. This morning, he showed up at my church; it's been my "safe space." We're pretty small, and several of our friends attend there. Anyway, one of my friends alerted me to the situation and offered to sit with me; there was another friend who was sitting in front of us. Several other friends noticed his presence and checked in with me after the service. It was good to have people around who knew what was going on and had my back.

I remember deciding that I was going to stay in the church community - which also meant that I couldn't be anonymous. I also decided that I was going to reach out to a handful of trustworthy people to let them know what was happening. As life has progressed, there are more people who know parts of the story.

So, I would encourage you to reach out to a buddy at church. I agree about the self care, too.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red,
How are you and your son doing today? Did you get your new rack?

Cat

[Red5]

Hey Red,
How are you and your son doing today? Did you get your new rack?

Cat

Hey Cat!... .still shopping around... .a few good ideas... .Black Friday deals are coming : )

I got off work early and picked him up from his day program, going to need to get his mentor back online again to cover the last several hours of the day till I get off work... .

We are presently out here at Fort Macon counting seagulls... .he really likes this place !

One day at a time... .to rebuild... .a good schedule for him again... .

It’s been raining here so it’s cloudy and overcast but very cool out... .the inlet is always a cool place to hangout !

Red5

[Ruskin]

Hey Red5

Logged in today and read on a couple of your threads.  Really sorry to read of the sad events of the last few days.

My thoughts are with you and i hope that things continue to develop that may lead you to a more stable future, could be a blessing in what will rise from the events and the years of difficulty.

Keep your eye on what will work best for you in the long term .

thoughts to you and your Son,

all the best

[Red5]

Hey Red5

Logged in today and read on a couple of your threads.  Really sorry to read of the sad events of the last few days.

My thoughts are with you and i hope that things continue to develop that may lead you to a more stable future, could be a blessing in what will rise from the events and the years of difficulty.

Keep your eye on what will work best for you in the long term .

thoughts to you and your Son,

all the best

Thank you Ruskin!

And to you as well!

Best Regards Red5

 

[Red5]

Its Wednesday afternoon, sitting here at work closing things out for the long weekend… thanks everyone for chiming in with moral support, it really means a whole lot to me, thank you !

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and as things have obviously changed… and previous planned gatherings are now not “in the cards”… I reckon me and my Son will go down to the Church, and help serve, and then eat too, they said on Sunday that they had most everything, but still needed more pumpkin and sweet potato pies… so I guess that’s the entry fee : )

My other two children who are in their twenties now, and on their own; still live in the area… my D25 and her BF are going up to Raleigh to have Thanksgiving with his family, I am pretty sure I have talked my middle S28 to come to the Church with us… he will like meeting new people, he has a good heart, and also a “caretaker” personality… the Church has reached out to the many families who live around the neighborhoods downtown to come to the Church for Thanksgiving dinner, so that’s my plan… we can help serve, and then eat!

I figured I would write out what has happened since Sunday…

Sunday night, was of course very tense after my Son and I got home, as we stayed out all afternoon, and evening after Sunday services… as of course going home was not a great idea.

So when I got home, I got the boy off to his shower time, and tried to relax some in the other end of the house in the “office”… uBPDw was of course on her phone… to one of her sisters… and then I started getting texts from uBPDw’s own S31, who is in the Air Force way up north… //“call me please, I need to talk to you”//… I ignored it as I understand the ramifications of cross decking (as I’ll call it)… he sent more texts… //”I know mom can be a pain in the @ss, and I told her she is wrong, she is very upset and she is stubborn, call me”//… I respond, //”I really cant talk ‘J’, the boy is in the shower, and she is still up, opsec Brother… opsec//”… he responds… //”ok, walk away real quick, man to man, ok I’ll wait… no $hit man to man talk ok, mom thinks I’m taking your side anyway… I know what your going through, but will you call me when you have time to talk about it… or walk outside or get away so I can tell you what I wanted to say”//… I said… //”I’ll call you in an hour and a half after lights out ok, I’ll go out and sit in the truck, we can talk for awhile ok,”//…

So I send him a YT video… and say //“I want you to watch this ok, this is what I been talking about, watch ok”//… title was “Are you married to someone with BPD?” [By Ashley Berges]…

So a few hours later, after 22:00, I go out to the jeep, and ring him up… and wow, we talked for about two hours…

Summation: Her Son validated everything I told him that was going on, he told me a whole lot, I related many of his mother’s stories about the early years, when she was still married to his father… and I found out that history had been rewritten (?)… he said many times that night, “no that’s not how it went, that’s not what happened , no that’s bs…

He told me that he would have indeed left a long time ago if it were him (how many times have I heard this)… And he and his older sister [S33] were both in agreement that they were not happy with what has in the past, and is happening right now… I had to tell him the true version of the latest event, as what they had heard was rewritten…

He told me a whole lot Sunday night… its hard now to remember it all… one of the things that I do remember was… he was reading me texts that his mother had sent him back in August, and September after the great Godzilla backyard rampage… she said about me in a series of texts… “I can’t control him anymore; he won’t listen to me or do what I say”… Yeah… WOW!

We talked a lot about her present medical condition, and he is under the impression, as she has been telling him, that things are not good, (I have been locked out of all of that, so I don’t know anything other than what the Doc shared on the last visit in September)… what he told me was pretty alarming, so there is now additional information about her condition that has been kept from me…

He (uBPDw’s S31) is under the assumption that his mother is doing what she does best in crisis, and that is to push everyone away… he said “she wants to be by herself, and away from everybody when she passes away”… Jesus… And I am invoking the Lord’s name here… he is of course very worried, but he shared that she pushed himself, and his sister away too… said she has always been like this since he was old enough to understand… He told me a lot about his own father, her ex’… which was 180 form what she has told me all these years… he pretty much said that uBPDw pushed him into depression and ptsd, and at the end he was reduced to a shell, and this is why he walked out in November of 2003… wow ; (

He passed away himself about two-three year ago now, lung C  did him in.

Anyways, he actually told him that he does not blame me for what I am doing now, as in engaging her anymore… not letting her back into mine and my Son’s life… I told him that she said she was indeed “done”, and that she was moving out, and that I was taking her at her word, and I was at the end of my rope after the events of last week, and that I could no longer keep it up, …

I asked him, ‘J’, do you recall what you and your S33 told me in the groc3ery store parking lot, the nigh of the “walk out”… after she had her surgery, two years ago now… when she got mad at something at dinner with the entire foo, and got up and walked out, and told us all to FU... and walked home, after just having her K removed… do you remember what you told me ‘J’… he said “yes I do”… I said “well I’m there ’J’… she crossed the line when she did what she did to my S32 autistic… I’m there ‘J’… I am very sorry, but I cannot do this anymore… either me and the boy leave, or she does”… “it is what it is Man”… “I can’t live with her anymore”… He told me that he understood… and that his S33 does as well.

So wow!… There it is huh’…

Then Monday night, when me and the boy got home, she was in the master bedroom, screaming at the top of her lungs, at him, her own Son… On speaker phone… It went on for almost three and a half hours… he was really trying to get her to… well, I don’t really know… maybe say she was wrong?…

I texted him in the middle of it… //’sorry man… I hear it all the way in here’//… //’’J’ this is what goes on here in our home, I can’t go on like this anymore… this is called BPD rage’//… then I sent him Enablers “20 rules for understanding BPD”… then he replied…//’your S32 autistic does not like her I think because she is a bully to him… //’damn it I’m sorry for you, I tried talking sense… she won’t realize reality so it’s done’//… //’yes I know... if your done I respect your decision’//…

I replied in my last text… //’I am sorry ‘J’... but I don’t think I can even say I love her anymore… I have heard too much tonight through that door… this is never going to work… yeah… she said “yeah I punched him out, but he deserved it”… that one line right there tells me the story ‘J’… that does it for me, it’s over’//…

Later that night, after I had gone to bed (couch in office)… she come in there and says DO NOT TALK TO MY SON ANYMORE!…

A $hit Show ; (

I think she has signed a lease, effective Dec 1st, and she is starting to move out this weekend.

I feel relieved……

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, God Bless ya’ll !

Red5 signing out ~>

[formflier]

Praying for you Red5,

Hang in there brother... .     

FF

[Red5]

Praying for you Red5,

Hang in there brother... .     

FF

Thanks FF!

So it’s going to happen, she will start moving “smalls” this weekend... .and “heavies” a week from this Saturday... .she’s found a farm house to rent in the next little town down the road.

She’s actually being nice to me?

She even made me and the boy “deviled eggs” as she will still be over to her foo S#2’s place tomorrow with the rest of her clan... .this is the sis whom “V” the flounder fisherman belongs to (FF thread on multi generational BPD)... .I still can’t believe he told me all that stuff when we went fishing the other weekend... .hmmmm, little did I know at that time?

Her foo is helping her move, .as I “don’t move pianos”  !

Anyway... .she has a plan,

She told me she doesn’t need any help anymore as far as financial... .and the 1k for Christmas presents is now reduced to a mere $400.

She walked me around the house tonight informing me of “what she will be taking”... .I reminded her about the shop out back and the garage and attic... .I want her to take with her everything she wants... .

She asked me... .“do you and S32(a) have plans for dinner tomorrow?”... .I so wanted to respond with a what the heck answer but I restrained myself... .I did not tell her that we are going down to the Church... .I just said “yeah we got plans”... .

She tells me that on Saturday that she is traveling to Wilmington to see a friend she has made in her C online support group, I met him when she was in the hospital last winter undergoing her first rounds of immunotherapy... .he is driving up from Florida... .he is eighty something... .who knows ?

I will be relieved when she is done with this move... .I would like to “restore order about the decks” as soon as possible.

I have not really “processed” anything... .I’m just going about the plan of the day... .everyday... .

Me and the boy looked in a few of the local furniture stores this afternoon... .and I went by the used boat place... .I see one I kind of like... .I’m going to sell the one I have... .it’s a dual console “fish and ski”... .’I’ have decided I would like to have a “center console” boat... .that would be better for me and my Son to take out into the intercostal... .I think it’s important to stay busy and involved in things, .since she is leaving... .I got plans to fix things around here the way I want them... .paint and trim, maybe change some things in the master and as well the kitchen and living room... .

Yeah, stay busy with schemes and plans... .

She is still being nice to me... .not her snarky and awnry usual demeanor... .hmmm,

I remember what Mr. ‘T’ said yesterday... .“stay focused on what you have decided, don’t let yourself be confused by her all
of a sudden being exceedingly kind to you”... .

Hmmm,

Red5

[Baglady]

Hi Red,
So happy to see that you received validation from her son.  That means a lot.  A year out, I'm still waiting for validation (that will likely never arrive) from my ex-husband's family (my in-laws who virtually adopted me when I emigrated to this country).  Nope - probably not gonna happen in my lifetime - it's just SO much more comfortable and far less icky to them to ascribe his crazy behavior to a "mid-life crisis" that to believe that he has a serious mental illness (never mind that he has been demonstrating BPD traits since his teens!) Oh well... .it is what it is.

Yep - do not get sidelined by the nice behavior.  I almost did initially with my ex but then my T kindly reminded me that the "nice" behavior only stemmed from the fact that my ex was finally getting his own way (i.e. our divorce that he avidly sought so that he could follow his sexual and drug explorations to his heart's content) and that it had nothing to do with me.

Happy Turkey day to you and that precious boy of yours!
Warmly,
B

[Red5]

Cat wrote this on an older thread... .back in September... .I think the bit about not rehiring the woman who was his mentor, may have been due to her feeling threatened by an outside influence. She might have imagined being judged by this woman for not helping to take care of your son since she obviously was at home, without a job, so why didn’t she help?

Well, since uBPDw has done what she has done... .I had to have another mentor for S32(a) in the afternoons... .

So, I thought about it and then I talked to Mrs. ‘G’ about it, she was the one whom uBPDw sacked months ago... .there is a thread back there about the huge fight that ensued after she did that... .

So Mrs. ‘G’ has agreed to come back onboard !... .yay ! :  )

She actually is the dash two at my Son’s day program, she was a perfect fit before and she will be again... .

I’ve been reading old threads this evening... .to ensure I don’t backslide... .yes my heart is battling my mind... .but I have to “keep my resolve”... .:

As I go all the way back to 2017... .I read the volumes that I’ve written about this marraige... .the constant fighting... .the constant downright mean stuff that has happened... .

Over and over and over... .repeat repeat repeat... .

And all the times she went after my Son... .and I came here to write about it... .good grief it just goes on and on and on... .

She did ask me what I was going to do now that she is leaving in regards to S32(a)’s afternoon care after the Station Club hours... .I told her to not worry about it, I tried to be nice... .but she persisted... .and she said... .“tell me you did not hire Mrs. ‘G’ back... .DID YOU?... .Intold her I did and that’s one of the subjects she was screaming about at the top of her lungs over and over and at her own S31 on Monday night on the speaker phone... .

I mean really... .after all the $hit she has pulled, she has the  NUTS to be mad at me for bringing Mrs.’’G’ the mentor back abaord... .Mrs. ‘G’, she adores my Son, and he adores her too... .so what the heck?

Hmmmm, she starts back on Monday... .of course we will meet down town at the grocery store to transfer my Son in the evenings... .have to do this until uBPDw is moved out and won’t be here at the house.

WHY... .why have I put up with all this BS for so long ;  (

And... .my Son told his instructors, to include Mrs.‘G’... .EVERYTHING that happened last Friday morning... .all of it... .you see, autistics do not know any apprehensions... .they will tell it like it is ... .they are like little recorders... .he doesn’t forget anything !

Red5

[formflier]

Red 5,

It's interesting to me the things that have "stuck" for me as a lesson learned so I wouldn't "backslide".

For me ... .one was the credit card my wife through at me bouncing off me.  I'm a bit guy.  Right now 6 foot 2... .around 250.  I was about the same then.  So... .nothing physical really happened.

But I "felt" it... like nothing I have felt before.  I decided I needed to hang on to that feeling... .not get over it.


I feel like I had/have a pretty good handle on your threads and your story.  You know me... I'm the eternal optimist.  For me... .hearing that your stbex was arguing that your son "deserved" to be struck in the head... .  Wow...    I literally couldn't think of anyway to put a good spin on it.

And again... you guys know me... I'll find something positive in just about anything... .

Rather than trying to take in the entirety of your story to keep from backsliding... it may be easier to pick a couple touch-points and stick with it.


I would also suggest you pick a couple "non of your business" lines... .and stick with those.  Given the situation... .they can be a bit prickly... .

I wouldn't have advised you to answer your wife's question about who you hire or anything about your sons care.  It's not her issue anymore.


"I appreciate your concern... .I've got it handled.  Given the situation, I'm sure you understand I'm not interested in sharing."

That didn't come out very prickly... .  Anyway... .

Hang in there man.

FF

[Red5]

Hang in there man.

FF

I'm "hangin" Brother ; )

So a quick Thanksgiving story,

As myself and uBPDw seem to be heading headlong into separation... .so thusly the previous Thanksgiving get together at foo sisters was now a "nogo" for me and my Son... .we went off to the Church instead, and it was great... he had two plate fulls, met all kinds of interesting folks, I served, and I lost count of how many came through the line, and how many "togo" boxes we made up... .it was a great experience... even my middle S28 came too, and afterwards, back home... .we all sat in on the back patio and fed scrap wood into the chimenea... .

So, uBPDw went to her foo sisters, and had the Thanksgiving meal with all of them... .when she got back home, it was late... .there was some small talk... .then off to bed she went... and then started the iphone speaker thing again... .to her D33 (who lives way down south in LA on the gulf coast)... .

This is what I heard... .

"So after dinner, me; mum, and C & CL (foo sisters) went to K-Mart to see the sales, .and I thought C was going to loose it, and mum was going to explode too... .C saw a sign that said 50% off, and they had Dallas Cowboys jackets there, and other memorabilia... so she loaded her cart up for her sons and grandson... .but when we got to the checkout, the "little person" (exact words) at the cashiers rang it all up, and said... ."no, it's buy one get 50% off another, not 50% off everything"... .so uBPDw goes on to tell how her foo sister "C" gets all huffy about "that's NOT what the sign said"... ."that is false advertising"... ."the cashier tried to explain"... but uBPDw then bragged, that then "me (uBPDw), C, & CL (foo sisters), and mum all "ganged up on her" and DEMANDED to see the store manager... .and then the store manager called his manager and then had to re-ring up all the purchases, so that "C" could get 50% off everything"... .

... .wow ; (

First off... .a couple of things here... .after I hear all of that through the bedroom door... .
*First of all it was freaking Thanksgiving day... .let me repeat that it was THANKSGIVING DAY !
*That poor "little person" was having to work, on Thanksgiving day, and she was not with her own family at home, same as the "duty" store manager... .both probably trying to "make ends meet", and probably on minimum wage to boot... .
*K-Mart is in decline... .they are going away... .tough times down at K-Mart, people work there, jobs are hard to come by for a lot of good hardworking folks... .

All that said... .just who the ___ does $hit like that on Thanksgiving day... .I mean really... .WWJD!

RUDE RUDE RUDE : (

... ."Happy Thanksgiving"... .now give me MY 50% off !

That "little person" cashier, and the poor "duty" store manager  ... .what about them... did they get to have any Thanksgiving dinner, do they have children and grandchildren?... .a family waiting at home, for mommy and daddy to finally get home... .after having to "work" on Thanksgivng day"... ."serving" the public at large... .

AND for a freaking "made in China" Dallas Cowboy stupid jacket... .so we got to act like total @ss's... .ON THANKSGIVING DAY... .UGH !

... .ok rant over... .and just one more ugh ; (

... .:who are these people anyways... .oh'... .my "in-laws"... .

Red5