BPD daughter home from college... house rules?

[smilepretty]

My BPD DD (18) is home from college for t-giving break.  Last night she wanted to take my car at 10pm to go to a boys house (15 miles away) to watch a movie.  This boy lives in our town and goes to college with her (and no she didn;t want him to come here even though we have a basement for the kids).  She also has a boyfriend... .who is not this boy!  I put my foot down, as it was a monday night, we have work today and my younger DD had school at 7am.  I am happy to let her drive and hang out with basically whomever she chooses, but at 10pm on a monday? I told her college behavior and freedom is great ... .IN COLLEGE! Am I asking too much for her to abide by our house rules? She says "I'm on vacation and you are ruining iT!"  I will say I am proud of myself for not engaging in the nastiness and venom she was spewing at me. I said goodnight, set the house alarm (as she was threatening to run away or sneak out) and did not let her manipulative screaming and crying suck me in.  How unfair for my 16year old DD who was so excited to have her sister home from college, but then lost a nights sleep before a big exam bc her big sister was having a toddler tantrum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Well done for not getting sucked in, reacting to your DD's drama. Is your DD now clear on the house rules? Assuming they are not any different to before she went to college, is that right?

[smilepretty]

Yes the rules are the same and have always been crystal clear.  My DD just doesn't agree that she needs to abide by them.  I think she'd like to walk around with a sign on her face that says "treat me with kid gloves or suffer my wrath!" ( I think I'll make a t-shirt of that!) It's the getting her to understand that she might have special needs but she doesn't get all sorts of special rules.

[once removed]

its a reasonable rule, though one that would take some adjusting if youre getting used to all the new found freedom from college.

im wondering, what might have happened if youd let her take the car? does she have a history of recklessness, law breaking, getting into trouble, that sort of thing?

[smilepretty]

Once Removed:
nothing would have happened if she took the car! It was more a parenting principle.  We live in the woods, and while our town is beyond safe, it was hard to justify a young, beautiful, single, vulnerable girl in a pretty nice car.  If it was a party or was meeting a friend earlier or this was a best friend who she never sees or if she would have entertained the boy coming to  my house, we could have compromised. No history of getting into trouble, I just went into super conservative overprotective mode I guess.  My husband, sister think I could have been more lenient but friends who have teen daughters say I did the right thing. I rarely say no to an ask that is mostly reasonable. 

[wendydarling]

How's it going smilepretty?

No history of getting into trouble, I just went into super conservative overprotective mode I guess.  My husband, sister think I could have been more lenient but friends who have teen daughters say I did the right thing. I rarely say no to an ask that is mostly reasonable. 

I relate to over protective mode! I live in our capital city and all the many risks that poses was a huge dilemma for me, ugh. At 18 my adult DD living at home was an everyday issue, did not drive (still doesn't). I had to place my trust in her, she's was able, responsible to look after herself and we set out a simple agreement. She'd never leave her friends, her friends would never leave her ~ they had a pact. She'd never travel home alone, she could bring a friend home, or stay at theirs. If she stayed at theirs she'd text me by a certain time. I guess we traded safety and security, trust and respect for our situation. It was so very hard for me to let go.

Have you since talked through with your DD?

WDx