Moved out, feeling really down and low

[Ruskin]

HI Guys & Galls

A few of you may know a little of my story, married 9 years to uBPDw.  Things had been getting worse for a good number of months and I found this board around a month ago, perhaps even less.

Following speaking to a psychologist about the situation earlier in the week, I went home with the advice of settings boundaries and sticking to them.  This was around myself accompanying my wife to the doctor to discuss things.

Well probably for the 1st time in my life I stuck to this and guess what, I’m out of the house.  I would still be there if I had accepted what she wanted but hey ho things escalated.

I feel  so distraught at the situation, I’m away from my lovely home, my wife (who I do care for of course) and my lovely pets….  What a horrible feeling , feel like just crying my heart out.

I probably have a few questions I wish ask here but I do not have the energy or brain power.

I guess one thing, if my wife does back down and agree to go to the doctor, should I move back to her?  Going to the doctor is one thing, actually changing and learning new behavious is something else.  I know it would not be easy for her or anyone who has to deal with BPD traits.

I guess I am at a crossroads, stay moved out and start my new life or if she comes back to me willing to change, embarking on that new path with her.  TBH I don’t want a life of continual blame and that is what I have had so far, there could now be a new blame, I left my family home, abandoning her.

Whichever path I go, looks like a tough year ahead.  I thought id feel calm and safe out of my house.  I feel like I have been dropped on the moon.  Why breakups are so hard.  I feel just terrible.

Believe it or not I was on annual leave from work this week, due back in on Monday, not sure I can make it in.  will see
thanks
Ruskin

[formflier]

Trying to get someone else to agree to alter their medical care is a tough thing for anyone... .let alone a disordered person.

Much better than you send your information to the professionals... and let them do with it what they can.  After all... they are the professionals.

   


FF

[Red5]

Good Morning Ruskin,

Sorry that you are going through this, yeah; most times pw/BPD will react very badly to boundaries, especially if its a "new thing"... .a word to describe may be "blowback"... .

Nine years is a long time, .I am assuming that you don't have any children with this lady(?), only pets, .what kind of pets are they?... .my wife and I both had dogs when we started dating eleven years ago (seven married now, .January will be eight years married)... .both puppies made it to age fourteen, but hers passed yesterday was a week ago, triggering another extreme dysregulation, as I have written about on this board... .we also have two cats, who were abandoned at birth, we've had them since that were a week old, had to feed them with a small bottle, they are two years old now... .of course we were both married before, and have children all grown now from those previous marriages... .and then there is my Son (*autistic).

As I read your threads, looks like you are trying everything in your power to try and understand what is happening in your marriage... .seems our stories are very similar in that we have persevered for years now, and then finally came up;on this BPD as a very possible explanation to why... .and I think for both of us, and many here on this site, we are still struggling, but we now maybe understand "why".

The decision to leave is a hard one... .I myself have considered it a few times, as in pack up my Son, and my "old man" dog, and "my" two cats and just leave... .but this is my home, since 2010... .I'm paying for it, she sold hers a few months back, as she was living independently when we met, dated, and then married... .her's she kept it as a rental for a few years, and then she finally let it go... .now considering what happened right about this moment a week ago, I wish she still had it... .things would be so much easier for her if she still owned it... .

As it is, .she just left about ten minutes ago to go and sign a years lease on her "new place"... .she will move out of here next weekend,

I feel for you, sometimes things go just too far... .

TBH I don’t want a life of continual blame and that is what I have had so far,

I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this... .and as I said, as I read your posts here, I see so many similarities in your story... compared with mine over the last seven plus years I've been with my own uBPD wife.

Perhaps after a period of cooling off, maybe you can go back home... .and stay; make some better arrangements... .do you own your home?... .I know that after nine years, I can imagine that your lives are very intertwined by now... .lots of "stuff"... .I am dealing with this right now... .mater of fact, I'll spend this entire weekend sorting through and separating "stuff"... .ugh ; (

Can you tell us more about how this happened, how did you come to the decision to leave, she was going to see a doc?... .then there was some boundary stuff, she lost it... .a fight... .and you left... .instead of maybe taking it up in the spare bedroom, like I've done for years... in the "office" on the couch... .I know its tough man !

Going to the doctor is one thing, actually changing and learning new behaviors is something else.

... .very true !... .tough stuff... we want them to get better"... to be "healed"... .I've read so much about DBT, watched countless videos... .but from what I understand, its a long shot, if even at all possible... .I completely understand what you are feeling right now... .we "want them back"... .but here's the thing about that... .who do we "really" miss, was that person even really there to begin with... .that is what I'm coming to understand more and more... .we are holding on to a "ghost"... .and apparition... .we were fooled... .the person we fell in love with, lived with, .loved... .may not have ever existed at all... .that is what I'm coming to believe more and more... .yes, tough stuff here.

I thought id feel calm and safe out of my house.  I feel like I have been dropped on the moon.  Why breakups are so hard.  I feel just terrible.

... .yes, I completely understand... .I too started over as a single father in 2006... .it was pretty tough, but I did it!... .one day at a time... .buy a few dishes, get a new place to live, get settled into a new routine, buy some furniture... .work, pay your bills, go to Church, find a new lawnmower... .a new coffee pot... create for yourself a new "home'... .far removed from the wreckage of the previous marriage/relationship... .yes, it was hard, but I did it... .now I miss those days, just me and my kids, the peace and quiet... .freedom from the constant distress of absolute dysfunction... .

Believe it or not I was on annual leave from work this week, due back in on Monday, not sure I can make it in.  will see... .

Yes, I know this feeling all to well !... .yes, I do... .take this Thanksgiving for instance... .how many does it make now that she, my uBPD wife has "estranged" herself from me... .how many times have my Son and I gone to the local "Golden Corral" to eat Thanksgiving dinner... .I count at least three occasions in the past seven years, thats what they call a "trend"... .a "pattern of misbehavior"!... .and Christmas's too, .all ruined ; (

We "Non's" crave normalcy... .routine... .security, both emotional and physical... .BPD can never deliver this for us... .so we learn to "do without"... .we turn into "caretakers"... .we persevere, we "put up with it" for years and years, and years... .there may come a time, that we have to break away, and find it, this "peace" for ourselves... .

Hang in there Ruskin, you are not alone today!... .one day at a time... .keep posting!

Red5

[defogging]

REd5 - My goodness - what a great video!  I'm only 8 minutes in and this guy is making a ton of sense in a no BS way.  Thanks for posting!  There should be a link on this site to that video.

[Red5]

REd5 - My goodness - what a great video!  I'm only 8 minutes in and this guy is making a ton of sense in a no BS way.  Thanks for posting!  There should be a link on this site to that video.

Fogger,
I listen to another... ."Ashley Berges (BPD)"... .she is very good too,
... .also "Kris Godinez", .some of its is hard to listen to though... .end of the line, far right spectrum malignant stuff ; (
... ."not for the faint of heart", .cold and hard no punches pulled... .
Red5

[defogging]

Red5 - I just finished that video - and WOW, he said so many things that described my uBPDw that aren't in the normal literature.  That cemented my belief that she is BPD or (at the very least) has BPD traits.  Moderators - I suggest you post a link to that video for other folks to see.

Thanks for the other suggestions.  I am certainly not "faint of heart" and I like to hear it straight up so I will check those out. 

With the kind of Bull Shizzat and mental Mind F**king we have to listen to on a daily basis, how could anyone living with a BPD continue to be faint of heart?  Haha!  Be strong my friends, and KNOW that you are not the crazy one.  Best wishes to everyone in the upcoming holiday (crazy) season... .

defogging

[Red5]

Be strong my friends, and KNOW that you are not the crazy one.  Best wishes to everyone in the upcoming holiday (crazy) season... .

defogging

U2 ! 

... .knowledge is power, power is life, "life is good"  !

Red5

[Red5]

How are things for you today Ruskin?

I hope that you have been able to reflect, and perhaps maybe even find a new channel of communication with your wife.

Go easy Man... .and take good care of yourself, I hope that things are better for you today.

There is a book that is promoted, and recommended all across this site, and many others... .you probably have already read it... .but anyways; its called "Stop Walking on Eggshells"... .it even has its own abbreviative acronym around here... ."SWOE"... .its a great book, and not that "old"... .(2010?)... it's very informative (BPD tools), and gives extreme insight, as well personal stores, accounts.

And I've found it on you tube, .so you could listen to it on your iPhone, or your personnel computer.

I do like real books, but sometimes that is not practical for me... .so audio is the way for me to go sometimes.

Hang in there Ruskin, and continue on your path of knowledge!... .this is very important,

Best Regards, Red5

[Ruskin]

Good Morning Ruskin,

Sorry that you are going through this, yeah; most times pw/BPD will react very badly to boundaries, especially if its a "new thing"... .a word to describe may be "blowback"... .

Nine years is a long time, ... .I am assuming that you don't have any children with this lady(?), only pets, ... .what kind of pets are they? .
Hang in there Ruskin, you are not alone today! ... .one day at a time ... .keep posting!

Red5

Cheers Red5 for your message, really appreciated and apologies late acknowledgement.  Just been taking some time try decompress -- not sure that is the right word?

Well we have no kids thankfully, so that is to be thankful for, not to upset the lives of others, we do have pets however.  A 13 year old cat, an elderly rabbit and a tank of various fish, havent seen them for 3 days now.  Hope she is looking after them... .

Cheers for sharing about your situation, your family life and pets.  I was sad on your previous thread to read of the passing of the old pup and the situaton that happend thereafter.  I was surprised to read how quick things escalated for you too over the last few threads to the point your wife is moving to her own place.  Looks like some big changes in both of our lives coming up, but in some regards positive ones, i guess we can only imagine how the lifting of the BPD type stress is going to make us feel.  Could be life changing, i imagine you will be planning the changes to your routine to accommodate the needs of your son that will fully be on your daily routine now.

Ref my home yes i jointly own it with my wife and it is on a mortagage, i'll need keep paying that while i rent i guess.  I don't have my rental place yet, im in a room of a friend of a friend, they referred to it as a "safe house" and it is... .  they took so much pressure of me... .

The decision to leave was almost brought on me in some ways, i spoke to a psycholgist about the situation at home and she said i had to set boundaries and insist that i go with  my wife to the doctor (my wife had agreed to go alone) and as neither of us could agree, i had to stick to my line and get out.  Of course there was some drama around the issue but safely out.

Thanks for sharing ref rebuilding a life, i guess that will be a next step, i guess on some level i have even felt a tiny glimmer of hope for it. 

Yes isn't strange how things can kick of around Thanksgiving and other holidays, ive noted in the past i have rarely had a pleasant birthday as there is normally has been some issue around that time... .  (hmm maybe in my case that is just a coincidence in that there is normally some  drama being acted out)

Cheers for the playlist, i have indeed seen some of his videos, but plenty there that i have not.  I do find him to be very knowledgeable, of the videos on you tube he does seem to be not very sympathetic to their cause and future though -- his mantra seems to be if you get abused by a BPD, the relationship is over.  Not always as simple as that though.

Cheers for your support Red5
thanks, Ruskin

[Ruskin]

Trying to get someone else to agree to alter their medical care is a tough thing for anyone... .let alone a disordered person.

Much better than you send your information to the professionals... and let them do with it what they can.  After all... they are the professionals.

   


FF

Cheers Formflier
very true your words greatly received!

[Ruskin]

How are things for you today Ruskin?

I hope that you have been able to reflect, and perhaps maybe even find a new channel of communication with your wife.

Go easy Man ... .and take good care of yourself, I hope that things are better for you today.

There is a book that is promoted, and recommended all across this site, and many others ... .you probably have already read it ... .but anyways; its called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ... .it even has its own abbreviative acronym around here ... ."SWOE" ... .its a great book, and not that "old" ... .(2010?) ... it's very informative (BPD tools), and gives extreme insight, as well personal stores, accounts.

And I've found it on you tube, ... .so you could listen to it on your iPhone, or your personnel computer.

I do like real books, but sometimes that is not practical for me ... .so audio is the way for me to go sometimes.

Here is a link, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QY4JZJonCs

Hang in there Ruskin, and continue on your path of knowledge! ... .this is very important,

Best Regards, Red5

Cheers Red5, thanks for your wishes,
3 days into the split now (i think) feeling a wee bit better
Yes knowledge is king, indeed i have listened to that book, i agree audio is a great way to learn... .  never knew it was on youtube however

Rather ironic i did my learning and then left the situation, i guess i was at my wits end with the stress of it all.

Next week i need go round to my house for a new cooker being delivered and fitted, hopefully she won't be in and our paths won't cross

ps i quite like the information presented in the Kati Morton youtube videos

perhaps some of the best i have found are by a guy called Dr Fox, have you seen any of his?

Happy weekend, bye for now

[Red5]

Cheers for the playlist, i have indeed seen some of his videos, but plenty there that i have not. 

I highly recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (link) !

It is eight hours long but you can take it in chunks of time, there is also a "work book" that describes relationship tools... .i do not know if there is a video version of that however, may have to actually get the paper version... .

Take care of your self now Ruskin!... .one day at a time... .and keep posting!

Red5

[Red5]

ps i quite like the information presented in the Kati Morton you.tube videos

perhaps some of the best i have found are by a guy called Dr Fox, have you seen any of his?

No I haven't... .I'll check these out, thank you !

Always looking for "knew" information,

Cheers! Red5

[Soulslider]

Defogging,  how they like to make it out that we're the crazy ones or at fault. So typical of the dynamic. It's pretty much all downhill from there!

[Cat Familiar]

Ruskin,
Making a big change, as you have, in such a short time period between having the realization that things aren't getting better and actually leaving, has got to have put your head in a spin.

Of course you feel distraught, after so many years of being together, it's a huge change.

I'm glad to hear that you're starting to feel a bit better. It's to be expected that right now is a very uncomfortable time. You've been totally uprooted from all that is dear and familiar to you.

I hope you can spend some time with your dear animal family and that it may be a comfort to you.

Cat

[defogging]

Ruskin - I apologize for taking your thread off topic and discussing the videos.  I don't think I can offer a lot to you directly as I'm no expert on this stuff, but you have my best wishes during this difficult time.  Stay strong and focus on you getting to a healthy place.

Soulslider - Yeah, I deal with that crap a lot.  Three years ago everything fell apart.  Long story I won't go into, but she wanted to move (out of the blue, picked the house already, we hadn't discussed any of this, she tried to emotionally beat me into submission) and when I stood my ground I was painted black.  Ever since then I'm the worst human on earth and every self-induced problem she has is my fault.  Smear campaigns, guilt, threats, victim-hood, you name it I've seen it.  I'd bail in a NY second if I could, but we have three little kids and as hard as this is on me... .they'd be very damaged if I left them to deal with her alone.  I won't do that.  I've got to rise up, be strong, and focus on those kids.  Best wishes to you as well.

[Ruskin]

Ruskin,
Making a big change, as you have, in such a short time period between having the realization that things aren't getting better and actually leaving, has got to have put your head in a spin.

Of course you feel distraught, after so many years of being together, it's a huge change.

I'm glad to hear that you're starting to feel a bit better. It's to be expected that right now is a very uncomfortable time. You've been totally uprooted from all that is dear and familiar to you.

I hope you can spend some time with your dear animal family and that it may be a comfort to you.

Cat

Thanks Cat for your words, hmm will be nice to see the wee animals, hope they have been treated nicely and i don't bump into my W, i'll feel almost like an intruder in my own home... .

Funny i was just thinking of the way my W cuddles our pets.  When she cuddles the rabbit it is shear petrified and it gets let go only on HER terms, if the rabbit squeams... .she holds it tighter and longer then lets it go!  (She cannot see fear in the animals)

When my W cuddles the cat similar process, i look at the cat and it looks like it is grimaccing, fangs popping out its mouth.  She lets it go and bounces over me (when i was there) claws out, beating an exit... .  Think Elmyra... .or hugo the abominable snowman cartoon

[Ruskin]

Ruskin - I apologize for taking your thread off topic and discussing the videos.  I don't think I can offer a lot to you directly as I'm no expert on this stuff, but you have my best wishes during this difficult time.  Stay strong and focus on you getting to a healthy place.

Soulslider - Yeah, I deal with that crap a lot.  Three years ago everything fell apart.  Long story I won't go into, but she wanted to move (out of the blue, picked the house already, we hadn't discussed any of this, she tried to emotionally beat me into submission) and when I stood my ground I was painted black.  Ever since then I'm the worst human on earth and every self-induced problem she has is my fault.  Smear campaigns, guilt, threats, victim-hood, you name it I've seen it.  I'd bail in a NY second if I could, but we have three little kids and as hard as this is on me... .they'd be very damaged if I left them to deal with her alone.  I won't do that.  I've got to rise up, be strong, and focus on those kids.  Best wishes to you as well.

Cheers Defogging, will work on that thanks