Hey all. It’s officially been 1 year today since me and my exGF last spent time together...

Also my birthday.

This year has been a roller coaster. I’ve been devastated and broken so many times. In the early stages of the break up, I was experiencing huge amounts of anxiety, depression. Drinking and skipping class. Stayed in bed all day. I hated life. I wanted it to end.

I tried so many times to reach out but finally stopped when she wouldn’t reply. I put so much hope that she would reply and we could try again.

I focused on self improvement and my anxiety. Therapy helped so much. I encourage everyone to go.

In the last year, I’ve made soo many dang friends and experiences I never dreamed of. I’ve met gorgeous girls, and ones actually interested in me. Although they didn’t work out, it showed me that my ex wasn’t the only girl out there.

I’m much better at creating boundaries now. I’m better at cutting off people who aren’t healthy for me.

I did pick up toxic behaviors from my ex that I catch myself do at times now, but I catch  myself after that and reflect on why I did that.

Don’t get me wrong I still miss my ex. She was my first for everything. She was my first love. And the saying goes “the first love always cuts the deepest”. I’ve accepted it.

Our mutual friend told me recently that my ex has been trying to find someone but can’t. Que Kanye West- Heartless “you’ll never find anyone better than me”

 She also said she hopes im happy when the friend brought me up. I know to take the “he said she said”, with a grain of salt now. And who knows why my ex does what she does. But all I know is, I’ve reached out so many times making it easier for her to reply and not feel guilt or shame. But nope. She wants nothing to do with me. She tells her friends bad about me. And I have to remind myself it’s her loss.

Looking back now, I feel like myself now. I feel happy, and  not always anxious or fight or flight. Or clouded. I can focus on myself and validate my own feelings.

I posses some toxic behaviors but I’m working on it.

There’s nothing more than what I want than my ex to text me and reach out but I’m still learning to let go and not expect it.

I will updated this as I go.

I have been mia on this site as I’m in trying to detach and not think of my ex. It gets hard at times even a year later.

Many have taught me that you not need to put a time limit on feelings.

Glad to hear you're now in a better place!

Im curious, what were some of the toxic behaviors you notice yourself doing?

Thank you all for the kind words!
I apologize for the late reply, finals are next week and I'm trying my best to bring my grades up at the moment. 


I say some/do toxic things at times. On Thanksgiving, my step-dad said something and at the time I misheard and heard something that got me offended. I didnt say anything, and a few minutes later he was patting me on the back. I told him "dont touch me" and he got offended and I blew up on him and accused him of what I thought I heard before that instance that originally got me mad. I left, and made a scene without discussing. In my relationship I wanted to discuss and talk with my ex to resolve. She would either leave or make me leave.

However, i called my mom after I left and she reassured me i misunderstood. I went back to their house an hour later with a gift and apology...

My ex would do this to me. It made me feel terrible and like i violated her when she said "dont touch me". My step-father told me he felt the same way... I felt terrible.

Other instances, are saying more things in regards of "suicide or death"... I no shape or form want to commit suicide or want to die. But I say more things along the lines of "if it happens it happens" or "just kill me". Its toxic and my ex would talk about it more often during the relationship and I would try to uplift her. Now im more dark in that sense. Also a lot of people make remarks about this at school and grades but for the most part its dark humor. I still think its a bit toxic.

Im much more better at letting go now. The anxieties and thoughts are mostly gone from her. I still have triggers but I believe its normal.

HOWEVER ( heres the kicker):

Last night, I had a dream about my ex... I havent had a dream about her in a long long longggg time...

I woke up in panic this morning. And I asked myself why? But I let it go. I have better things to focus on.

I get to campus today and Im late to class... Then guess what? 
My ex and I walk past each other on the sidewalk... She was walking in my direction smiling at her phone. And I was right next to her walking passed her... We literally were less than a feet apart from another... I said "hey and smiled" and she looked up and saw it was me and kept walking...

I told myself, wow. You spend 3 years with someone and I thought the least she could do was say hi back and we can be adults. but apparently not. I let it go.

A few hours later, i have this night class on wednesdays where I usually see her and she sees me. I decided to go late to class and went the opposite entrance of the building to avoid her... I go, use the bathroom. Stalling not to see her. Then I head to class, turn my head to the left, and shes there walking my direction and we both make eye contact... .

I turned my head and walked to class. 2 times in one day? come on.

Thank you JNChell!

And as for reading PSI, I occasionally visit as I suspect my grandmother to possibly have some type of cluster B. I also suspected my real father to maybe as well (no contact since 2012)

I know I picked up little white lies from my grandmother so I’m trying to stop that as well. I also noticed it more often as I was doing it with my ex just to avoid confrontation And her blowing up. I’m doing better now at stopping myself before I say a little useless lie

Happy Belated Birthday, CryWolf. 

In a peculiar way, it's sort of a gift that she cannot behave in a "civil" way enough to even acknowledge your presence. That is a really good read on her character.

I know it's hard to accept that information about someone you once loved with all your heart, but she keeps telling you again and again, just exactly who she is now.

And like others have said, there are many fish in the sea. Years from now, you'll look back and be so happy that you didn't end up with her. She's taught you a lot and because you have Cluster B individuals in your family, that increased the attraction bond to her.

What you're hearing from others on this site who've been in longterm relationships with pwBPD is good motivation to choose an emotionally healthy partner. But, as we all know, the heart wants what the heart wants and getting over this just takes time.

In the meantime, you might consider writing a list of her good qualities and that will give you a template of what appeals to you in a future partner.

If you haven't done it already, it's also good to make a list of those traits you'd never want in a partner.

Cat

Thanks, Cat, for the idea! I have been reflecting about it but never really come around to make these lists.  It would be helpful for me too.