what's the use of a relationship when you can't be yourself.

[Faith Spring]

"Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced."

I am a mom, I am her mom and I feel I'm all she's got sometimes.  I'm supposed to love her so much that I won't be emotionally injured by her.  I am weak emotionally, I do feel wounded and scared, how the heck am I ever going to help her when I'm not very strong.  Not very balanced.  God.  Of course I want to choose the path of being in a relationship with my daughter.  What does that even mean? Do I fake another personality?  She's smart; she'll pick up on it.  Do I become a stepford mom?  This is weighing me down and I haven't even started. 

I can't believe it.  The rest of our relationship, me and her, is gonna be propped up by these skill sets.  It's not easy or natural, I will never stop crying for that loss. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[medianeh]

((hugs)

I could have written your post myself.  I feel the exact same way.

I'm weak, I'm broken.

BUT, I am me.  I AM a good mom, I've done all I can.  You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  You can only be there to support them and tell them that you love and care for them.

It's going to be hard, that's for sure.  But like everything else, this takes time. 

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I can very well identify with you. My daughter has some of the BPD traits and when she gets into one of those days, she can be very abusive, demanding and dramatic, teary- eyed, and accusing me of not caring enough, not showing affection, not saying ‘I love you’, etc. and no amount of reassurance will satisfy her. My husband has no what she is going through internally and goes into defense mode. I used to do the same until I realized it didn’t work, and started acknowledging her feelings and provided reassurance although it doesn’t always work because I slip, feel offended and don’t always say the right way/thing. This has resulted in my being on the edge most of the time but I don’t shed any tears in front of her however much she says to hurt me. This aggravates her terribly since she wants me to breakdown and cry. I want to show her I am strong and will always be there for her. She sees it as arrogance and don’t care attitude. Each of us is made differently and brought up differently to react to adversity in our lives. I am sorry I am rambling here. All I want to say is, please take care of yourself.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Faith Spring,

I've really struggled with this too. I see this in two parts. The first part is not allowing abusive behavior. I used to think that I had to just accept whatever she dished out.  No one is immune to being emotionally abused. You are not weak, you are worn down.  So a huge part of not taking things personally is refusing to interact with them when they are being abusive. Furthermore, continuing to interact while they are being abusive actually reinforces that that is a good way for them to get attention.

The second part for me was that even after setting those boundaries, nothing I did was enough for her because she was absolutely unwilling to help herself. No amount of love and compassion can make up for a complete lack of effort on our kids' part. So there has to be some semblance of a two way street. My wonderful therapist constantly reminds me that I can't work harder than my daughter does or care more than she does. That was a hard one for me to accept, that I couldn't fix her by just caring enough.

Another piece of not accepting abusive behavior is that they will eventually start to respect us more because we respect ourselves.

[once removed]

hi Faith Spring,

i can feel your heartbreak here  

i dont think the words are to suggest that you not be emotionally affected, or even heartbroken, over your daughter, your relationship, her actions, what have you. the bond that a mother has with her daughter is the closest relationship in the world, and i think youd be inhuman not to be deeply affected.

a primary indicator of recovery from BPD, is having a rock hard, strong support system in their lives - quite often family plays the biggest role.

what does that mean? i dont think it means that we dont experience pain, regret, or that we dont make mistakes, nor do i think it means fake how you feel/your personality. if anything, it means getting in touch with our authentic selves.

a strong support system is a loving environment, but even what that means is complex. sometimes being loving means being firm. sometimes being loving means setting limits or consequences, as much as it may pain us or our children. and sometimes being loving means recognizing that we are being too rigid. it means being in a state from which we can make healthy, mature decisions for ourselves, for our children (to the extent we have that authority), and a big part of that is tending to ourselves, having our own rock solid and consistent support system. it means knowing when to say yes and when to say no. it means learning the healthy balance between appeasement/enabling and punitive punishment.

it does mean learning new skills in order to navigate... .in order to support/cope ourselves, and support our children. it can feel unnatural at first, not unlike (though obviously less emotionally trying) learning a new language, or an essay format, but with practice, it becomes fluent and natural.

it does mean not getting caught up in the cycles of our children, but seeing them, and ourselves more clearly.

a member here once said its not about "fixing your broken body". its about building that body into a powerhouse. and no, it isnt easy. but there is hope.

whats going on for you today? what has you struggling?

[Faith Spring]

Wow.  That is some good advice, thank you.   I can see now how it’s not like I’ll have to be phony, I’ll just have to be a little more fluent in the language she’s speaking, so to say. 

Today kinda sucks.  She’s running on her treadmill now and it’s shaking the house.  My husband is mad at me for letting her have this treadmill.  He says I’m putting her needs over the value of our “cracking” house.  Well maybe I am. 

She needs the endorphins, the good energy.  I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand.   I’m so tired, I bet you all are too.

[jones54]

Hi Faith Spring,
I understand completely the struggle you are having. When our kids are born we never expected for things to turn out the way they are with BPD. I have been emotionally abused by my daughter (intensely the past year) for a long time. Sometimes you start questioning yourself and possibly believe the negative things they say. They can lower your self esteem. I agree that you need a support system (hopefully your husband would step up... .I did not with her mother when we were married and I think that was one reason we divorced).  At this point in time my daughter is in no contact with us. While I hate how she abused me, I still long to have a relationship with her and that can be painful when they do not want to. As others have said you have  to have boundaries and in the big picture we can only control ourselves.
You are much stronger than you think. Being the father I was supposed to be the strong one. Actually her mother is stronger than me. If you asked me 20 years ago if I would be feeling the way I do now, I would be shocked thinking this would be my future. I am sad to say over the past year with all that my daughter has done with her addiction and BPD, she has made me be a different person (and not what I want to be). I think we have to fight everyday for ourselves. Try to have a life of our own and not one that revolves around our BPD kid. Yes, they can consume you and you want so badly for them to change. What I have learned is that I am the one that needs to change in how I handle myself with this disease. Every day is a process and we need to do this as much as for ourselves as for our BPD kid.
As far as the treadmill... .run on.

[once removed]

She’s running on her treadmill now and it’s shaking the house. 
... .
She needs the endorphins, the good energy.

any chance shed like a running partner?

[Faith Spring]

Hey Jones, I wanted to say I’ve been following your journey, my empathy is everpresent when I read your posts.

The insight you guys have given me is more than I could’ve wished for. It makes sense.  I do have to have a life outside of this.  I’ll muck up some courage one of these days. 

I compromised on the treadmill.  We will move it to the basement where the floor is more secure.  But I gotta say, I really suspected his intention was to tick her off.  She’s made him the evil-doer in our little triangle.  Wants to try him for attempted murder, you can guess.  But I have to say, I think he’s spiteful.  And he gave me this ultimatum last night, telling me my efforts to have a relationship with her are a joke.  He said I bend over and she smacks me down.  I was so quiet.  I realized he doesn’t have empathy for her anymore.  I do.  So all I said was that I am offering our daughter empathy in our home. 

I guess I want to say I appreciate you guys saying she should keep running, maybe I could join her. 

This situation seems to be turning into a fork in the road of my life. 

[jones54]

Faith Spring, I am sorry your husband cannot be more supportive. I know my ex many times gets to her wits end and wants nothing to do with our DD and will say she is fine if she has to go back to the homeless shelter. Also, even though your daughter gives you grief, at least she is around to work on your relationship. After I texted my DD on Thanksgiving to say I loved her, she finally responded today. She simply said to stop contacting her  because of all the "damage" I have done to her over the years. Not sure what that means since I raised her after her mother walked out and have never done anything to harm her. She also said that a good thing not having a relationship with me is that when I die she won't have to grieve since I have been absent so long in her life. Ugh. So odd since for the past 15 years I have been trying to reconnect with her and she has always pushed me away (except for a few times when she was in rehab).
I would simply continue to do your best with your daughter. The opportunity is there since she is still with you. Not sure what I can do with my DD. She promises to see a therapist but then never follows thru. Funny, in her last text she also recommended I seek counseling!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Jones, I'm sorry your daughter sent you that hurtful message. You have done everything in your power to help her. I'm sorry she can't recognize that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders