Wife seeking full-custody of my (now 14 yr old) son

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 
I've posted about my situation before. Briefly: Ever since I met my new partner, my BPDex-wife has been on a campaign of harassment and disruption, which has led to her seeking full-custody of my (now 14 yr old) son. The case is now before the courts. She has actively engaged in parental alienation, which has greatly damaged my relationship with him. Up until now, my son has stated repeatedly to his court appointed attorney that he wants shared custody maintained.

After more than a year of this on-going abuse and legal bullying I'm at my wits end. My money is running out and I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

My lawyers have recently given me four options:

1) Continue with the status quo and hope for some improvements.
-this is unsustainable because the status quo simply isn't working and she is unlikely to change her behaviour on her own
-the current situation is in an absolute deadlock

2) Let go and give up custody.
-this would put an end to the legal proceedings, but I'm unwilling to give up my son to a life of emotional abuse
-I hate to admit it, but at the same time, there's a part of me that would feel relieved to be ride of her

3) File for sole custody myself.
-I have meticulously documented my ex's toxic behaviour to me and my son
-however, my lawyers believe that my son's wishes would likely outweigh any evidence and she would have another year to manipulate him into wanting to be with her
-they also believe that me filing for custody would drive him straight into her arms and would be spun by her as me trying to take him away from his beloved mother (regardless of the fact that she's doing the same thing)
-this option seems highly risky with the potential of losing custody all together
-at the same time it seems like the only surefire way to salvage my relationship with my son and get him out of her environment
-yet, I worry about what sort of reaction she might have

4) Work with a counsellor or therapist to improve the situation.
-my lawyers seem in favour this option as the only way to make a breakthrough
-but I am very reluctant to engage in a therapy process with someone who is manipulative and abusive, who has tormented me for the last year, and is currently taking me to court
-when she began this recent campaign I started to set boundaries and for the last year have insisted on written communication via email, whereas she is obsessed with face-to-face meetings as the only legitimate means of communication
-engaging in a therapy process seems like a way for her to draw me back into her world
-I have very little hope that it would actually succeed. We did couple's counselling when we were married, which she manipulated. She's interfered my son's current therapy process, and regularly drops her own therapists when they say something she doesn't like
-moreover, I've already initiate several mediation processes, which have all been derailed or rejected by her
-plus, I would only agree to this if she dropped the custody claim, which seems highly unlikely  

It seems to me that few people, including my own lawyers, seem to comprehend the depth and severity of the emotional abuse perpetrated by people with BPD. The mere thought of having to sit down with her fills me with dread. If the roles were reversed and I had been physically abusive to her, I highly doubt anyone would be suggesting that I sit down with her to "work things out".

What I'm wondering is this: Has anyone given something like option 4 a try? Did it work? Or is option 3 the only course of action?

Any comments would be helpful.

[Dionysius]

 
I've posted about my situation before. Briefly: Ever since I met my new partner, my BPDex-wife has been on a campaign of harassment and disruption, which has led to her seeking full-custody of my (now 14 yr old) son. The case is now before the courts. She has actively engaged in parental alienation, which has greatly damaged my relationship with him. Up until now, my son has stated repeatedly to his court appointed attorney that he wants shared custody maintained.

After more than a year of this on-going abuse and legal bullying I'm at my wits end. My money is running out and I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

My lawyers have recently given me four options:

1) Continue with the status quo and hope for some improvements.
-this is unsustainable because the status quo simply isn't working and she is unlikely to change her behaviour on her own
-the current situation is in an absolute deadlock

2) Let go and give up custody.
-this would put an end to the legal proceedings, but I'm unwilling to give up my son to a life of emotional abuse
-I hate to admit it, but at the same time, there's a part of me that would feel relieved to be ride of her

3) File for sole custody myself.
-I have meticulously documented my ex's toxic behaviour to me and my son
-however, my lawyers believe that my son's wishes would likely outweigh any evidence and she would have another year to manipulate him into wanting to be with her
-they also believe that me filing for custody would drive him straight into her arms and would be spun by her as me trying to take him away from his beloved mother (regardless of the fact that she's doing the same thing)
-this option seems highly risky with the potential of losing custody all together
-at the same time it seems like the only surefire way to salvage my relationship with my son and get him out of her environment
-yet, I worry about what sort of reaction she might have

4) Work with a counsellor or therapist to improve the situation.
-my lawyers seem in favour this option as the only way to make a breakthrough
-but I am very reluctant to engage in a therapy process with someone who is manipulative and abusive, who has tormented me for the last year, and is currently taking me to court
-when she began this recent campaign I started to set boundaries and for the last year have insisted on written communication via email, whereas she is obsessed with face-to-face meetings as the only legitimate means of communication
-engaging in a therapy process seems like a way for her to draw me back into her world
-I have very little hope that it would actually succeed. We did couple's counselling when we were married, which she manipulated. She's interfered my son's current therapy process, and regularly drops her own therapists when they say something she doesn't like
-moreover, I've already initiate several mediation processes, which have all been derailed or rejected by her
-plus, I would only agree to this if she dropped the custody claim, which seems highly unlikely  

It seems to me that few people, including my own lawyers, seem to comprehend the depth and severity of the emotional abuse perpetrated by people with BPD. The mere thought of having to sit down with her fills me with dread. If the roles were reversed and I had been physically abusive to her, I highly doubt anyone would be suggesting that I sit down with her to "work things out".

What I'm wondering is this: Has anyone given something like option 4 a try? Did it work? Or is option 3 the only course of action?

Any comments would be helpful.

[Panda39]

So Option 4 is Family Therapy? 

I think this would be a good option, anything that works towards an improved relationship with your son is good, and getting help is good.  Worse case scenario, this doesn't work, you have at least shown that you are willing to work towards improving things, that you want to solve the problem, not be part of the problem.

It is often suggested here that the non-BPD person (you) select 3 Therapists that you think would be good and then let your ex choose one of them.  Things to consider in your selection, along with cost, location,hours, covered by insurance or not, would be knowledge of BPD, knowledge of parental alienation, and types of therapies practiced.

Are you seeing a Therapist for yourself at all?  If not I would suggest it, I'm hearing a lot of anxiety in your post and I think your anxiety is interfering with your confidence and rational thought. 

I don't say the above as an attack, my SO also experienced Parental Alienation and I know how truly awful it is, how painful it is, how scary it is.  I've watched as false allegations were brought against my SO by his ex on behalf of her children (who went along with it).  What concerns me is that you are functioning from a place of fear, that you are being reactive, instead of be proactive and I think support would help you stay a bit more grounded.

Things are a bit slow around here due to the holiday weekend, but know that others will also be along with their ideas and suggestions soon.

Take Care,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Have you read the last chapters of Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison?  Also, his web site has the latest on his Family Bridges program.  It's where the court can order a sort of therapist-led vacation/intervention to restore your connection with your children.  One caveat, your ex can't be forced to pay for this, it has to be at your expense as I recall.

[worriedStepmom]

I like the idea of therapy for you and your son, without including his mother.

Unless your lawyers have a strategy that includes evidence of failed mediation/therapy between you and your ex, then I can't see any potential benefits of sitting down with her in therapy.  As you've said, you have past experience that shows this won't work.

If you file for primary custody, would you be able to get a psychological evaluation of your wife, or even of your son, to prove that she is alienating?  If there is proof of that, it will mitigate son's wishes to live with his mother.

[Dionysius]

Thank-you for the replies. I do have my own therapist, who is helping me immensely.
The anxiety I express in my original post is due to the fact that I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a hall of mirrors. My ex is always one step ahead. Everything she does is part of a game plan of manipulation.

Meanwhile my lawyers and I sit on a mountain of evidence that doesn't get used because no one thinks she'll actually be held to account. They also tell me not to talk to my son about anything because that will look like I'm involving him. Yet his mom is involving him 24/7. I don't even think my son understands that his mom has filed for sole custody and what that would really mean. All she tells him is that she's going to "fix things" and "make dad understand".

I'm trying to prevent someone from tearing down my entire life with both hands tied behind my back.
It's frustrating.

[ForeverDad]

What did she file to seek full custody?  In many states it is a Change of Circumstances process where she would have to document that you have behaved in a way meriting removal from joint custody.  That's major.  That's a very, very high bar to meet.  Sure, she can make all sorts of seemingly convincing arguments but they'd be based on emotional and biased claims.

Remember, just because she can seek full custody doesn't mean she will get it.  Courts are typically very reluctant to to make major changes to custody.  Since she is evidently trying to get full custody then the court should be concerned whether there is real basis to properly shut you out from making custodial decisions. Are you substantively abusive, neglectful or endangering to your child?  Are you being obstructive or sabotaging to her parenting?  (Or is it the reverse?)  In general the court would need to have reasons listed in its decision WHY a change is merited or else it would expose itself to possible appeal, objection or a request for reconsideration.

I went through that process, took 17 months but I was able to document her obstruction and sabotage of normal parenting.  I walked out with full custody as Legal Guardian.  The GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) was reluctant to change parenting schedule from equal time so I didn't get that then, but I got majority time too the next time we were back to court.

Is there a reason you're not counter-filing for custody based on your documentation?  I'm not saying you should but you can ponder that with your lawyer.  It's often been said that mothers often get majority parenting partly because they're mothers but also partly because the fathers don't step forward, press their case and seek more involvement.  That's also part of society's perceptions, doesn't mean it's right in your case.

[scraps66]

My situation is similar, S14, mom is super high-functioning uBPD/NPD.   

The difference is that my S14 really would rather be with mom.  Has left my house for hers recently when I tried to institute consequences for bad behavior at school.  This ended with me going to mother's house, with the police, to get S14 back. 

S14 is doing badly in school and with socializing, maybe even gotten worse this year.  "We" have tried numerous therapists with no results at all.  Mother either resists therapy or sues therapy as something I do, but mommy doesn't make S14 do.   

I have considered going back to court for full custody as your Option 3.  But, my fear would be that the court would bring S14 in, or mother would bring him in, and they would ask him, and that would be the end of it.  Simple... .but really bad for S14.

My r/s with S14 is all but destroyed.  In your case, if your son wants to be around you and he will listen, I think the therapy - with a REALLY good therapist - could produce very positive results.

As far as the therapist goes, I've lost count but think the current guy is just not up to speed because the overall situation between households is being left out and he has no background with BPD. 

As time goes on S14 appears to be exhibiting BP-like traits which scares me.       

[scraps66]

PS I have and got 50/50 custody rather easily.  The time since has been a nightmare of sorts.  To do it all over again I would not hesitate to file for full custody.  That way there would have been no getting around putting everything out on the table and my divorce may have resolved more swiftly than the 4-yr term I experienced.

[ForeverDad]

I think my son was in 7th grade middle school and the teachers assured me that his disinterest in grades was normal for kids his age but that he'd figure it out by the time he got into high school.

High school was still a struggle until 11th grade, age 16.  Finally, he's showing an interest in his grades.  My comforting thought is that as kids grow older things may very well get better.

Want to guess what education he's got in mind?  Psychologist.  Maybe he wants to psychoanalyze video games?  I'm a forgetful guy so I don't recall what mild term he said about me, but he said his other parent is crazy.  His word.

[Solidshadow]

What is the custody arrangement right now?

If she has more than 50% right now I would recommend narrowing your choices. If this is the case she has too much time with him and too much control, she can manipulate him into doing whatever she wants. He will say whatever she wants the therapist to hear, and he will do whatever she needs to win in court. Your choices are- 1)Give up on your son. 2) File for full custody with the understanding that you may still need to give up on your son, even if you win.

Your son is 14 and old enough for the courts to listen to. They may not listen to him at all, but "parental alienation" is a losing battle. In order to win you probably need to show that he's failing out of school, or she is in some other way abusive or neglectful. If you do win, understand that an alienated teen may do WHATEVER he can to get back to his mother's, (run away, burn the house down, you name it) He is going to need extensive therapy either way, but therapy is not going to be helpful while he is under his mother's thumb.

[Dionysius]

*UPDATE*

(I think a lot of people on this forum are in the US, but my situation is in Canada, specifically Quebec, where family law seeks to maintain some form of shared custody almost at any cost).

Anyway, the court hearing happened yesterday after a tumultuous few weeks.

The court had appointed my S14 an attorney to represent his interests. During the first meeting with her back in September, he told the lawyer that he wanted to maintain shared custody and that he wanted to be left out of the dispute, especially because his mother was involving him. His lawyer also said that because of this she would not see him again unless absolutely necessary. His mom responded to this by calling him a liar and accusing him of betraying her.

A few weeks ago his mother dragged him back to the lawyer, where he again stated that he wanted to maintain shared custody, but then presented a list of grievances about me relating to his activities and travel time to school. In response I tried to address these specific concerns in an offer made to his mother to settle the court case, but she refused. I even offered to adjust shared custody to 60/40, giving her more time. 

THEN, two weeks ago she dragged him to his lawyer a third time, where he stated under great duress that he wanted to live with his mother full time. His reasoning was heart-breaking. He said that he couldn't stand to see his mother "sad and mad" all the time and that because her life is in such a mess he wanted to live with her full time to help her feel better.

This past Monday, when I was due to pick him up from school for my custody week, I got a call from the guidance counselor saying that he was having a breakdown and was terrified to face me in light of his decision. He was also fully convinced that he would now be living with his mom, even though the court hearing had not yet occurred. At some point in the last two weeks she finally broke him.

The following day, Tuesday, we went to court where we waited all day for our case to be heard. While waiting his mom laughed and joked with the minion who tagged along, as if it was all some sort of game. 

Prior to the hearing our son's lawyer requested to speak with us and our lawyers. She expressed great concern for him and told us that if the pressure isn't alleviated, especially from his mom, then he's heading for suicide. His mom wasn't phased by this and proceeded to boast about how afraid he was when I pick him up the previous day and complained about how the whole situation could be resolve if I just agreed to therapy with her.

A few hours later we went before the judge, who laid into both us for not being able to work together, but also tore a strip off my ex for behaving "like a child" and expecting our son to be a "parent". She reiterated the deep concern for our son's welfare and said that he's headed for a life of drugs and/or suicide if something doesn't radically change. The judged decided to maintain full custody, with some additional orders to help alleviate the situation, but stated that if my ex doesn't get the help she needs and her behavior continues then I will be given full custody.

After the hearing my ex ran out of the courtroom claiming victory.

I'm devastated and alarmed by these developments and feel like I should have intervened much earlier. But so much damage has been done to my relationship with my son that he doesn't even hear me when I speak anymore. After his lawyer called him and explained the judgment, I asked him if he understood that shared custody would be maintained. He replied, "yeah, for now."

I'm afraid he's been sucked so far down her rabbit hole that I'll never get him out. I've agreed to an emergency intervention by a therapist that will meet with us individual and may eventually involve our son.

I'm taking him to his therapist today, but she barely knows what's happening in the background.

I don't know what to do... .

[ForeverDad]

The judged decided to maintain full custody, with some additional orders to help alleviate the situation, but stated that if my ex doesn't get the help she needs and her behavior continues then I will be given full custody.

Well, you know she won't change.  All she listened to was she kept what she had, not the warning to change.  Did the judge put his warning "on the record"?  If not, how can you be assured that next time in court — is a next time scheduled? — the judge may not recall his warning to change custody.

I asked him if he understood that shared custody would be maintained. He replied, "yeah, for now."

She currently has full custody but the schedule is shared?  I am bit confused about your full vs shared comments.

Why wouldn't his therapist not know the full story?  Is this a capable T and not gullible to mother's unsubstantiated claims?

[worriedStepmom]

I feel so sorry for your son, but I am glad that at least his court-appointed lawyer seems to understand what is going on.

Does your lawyer have a plan on what to do next?  We all know your ex is not going to change.

[Panda39]

I just wanted to throw some reading ideas out there that might help... .

Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing  by Dr. Richard A. Warshak
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=59950.0

Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce
Author: Bill Eddy
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216244.0

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn D. Hall   (Author),    Melissa Cook
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166930.0

The Weather House: Living with a Parent with BPD Author: Lisa LaPorte, PhD,  Ronald Fraser, MD (book for kids)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223218.0

Panda39

[zachira]

I too like the idea of therapy with your son without his mother included. You want to keep the dialog open with your son and free of distortions as much as possible. I personally think your son might choose to live with you, as you are the father and it is very common for teenage boys to want to live with dad, even after years of mainly living with mom. He is developing his identity as a man, and the father connection is usually more important for a boy this age and often times teenage boys are overwhelmed by all the adult females in their life: teachers and mom. Your ex may be working over time to alienate your son from you because she has noticed your son is more interested in spending time with his father than his mother.