Took a video of her behavior this morning - 1

[defogging]

Mornings are always hectic in our house.  She insists on waking the kids 5 minutes before they leave for school, then shouting at everyone to hurry up so they won't be late.  I've tried to help the situation by waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier and just get yelled at.  Crazy making!  She creates the chaos and then gets caught up in her own mess.

This morning I pushed the envelope and took a video of it all.  She got mad and I told her it was so she could watch it later.  She started the car, pulled out of the garage before my son was ready, then came back in the house.  Son was crying because he thought she was leaving.  She ripped the phone out of my hands and demanded I delete the video.  I went and grabbed her keys out of the ignition so she would give my phone back.  Then she threatened me with divorce, and threatened to call my boss and tell him I'm not coming to work today.  I stood my ground.  Told her I'm not deleting the video, and feel free to call my boss.

I sent the video to my family, they are aware of what is going on but don't see it firsthand.  I'm not going to hide this from people anymore.

Not really sure why I'm posting about this, I guess I wanted to share it with people who will understand.  Oh, how I wish I had married a healthy person... .

[Red5]

Mornings are always hectic in our house.  

She insists on waking the kids 5 minutes before they leave for school, then shouting at everyone to hurry up so they won't be late.  

I've tried to help the situation by waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier and just get yelled at.  Crazy making!  

She creates the chaos and then gets caught up in her own mess.

This morning I pushed the envelope and took a video of it all.  She got mad... .

Dang defogging!

Sounds like my house a few weeks ago... .months ago, years ago !

... .with uBPDw & step mom... .

I have recorded and also filmed my uBPDw... .in the past a few times... .as she has always been kind of a "liberty risk"... .err mean drunk.

And she also went ballistic with a "B" when she found out... .and DEMANDED that I deleted it... .even inspected my phone to ensure... .this was pre- 'BPD', and pre- 'boundary' time frame... .yeah, things were crazy with a "C" round my house for about seven years... hey, that's how long I've been married do her  !

In my first marriage, three kids... .twenty one years... .all during their pre-school, elementary-middle, and even high school years... .I (we) had a two hour prior rule.

I was in the Marines then, I was an "airdale", an "airwinger"... .Harriers and F-18 Hornets... .so down at the squadron, there was a two hours prior to flight "get'em ready" time rule, good and tight, safe for flight... .so me being a young motivated ooh-rah GI Marine, I figured that was also a good idea at home... .so if I wasn't overseas someplace for six-nine months at a time, or out to sea on an aircraft carrier, .I was 100% into parental responsibilities... .so if the school bell rang at 08:00, I got the kids up at zero six  

I would do the ole' Parris Island "time to get up now sweetie"  , its time to get up and wash up, and brush your teeth, be sure to dress warm, daddy will have your chow, and school lunches all ready (or else mommy) when you get ready, be sure you got your back-packs ready to go... .morning inspection will go at zero 7:00  !... .no I didn't do that to them... .I was out the door at 06:15 most mornings, if I wasn't on the night check, or mid crew, or preflight crew... .but I was the one who woke them in the morning, hugs, kisses, and more hugs... .I love you daddy    ... .dang, I'm tearing up here... .

Sometimes they road their bikes, sometimes we took them in the car, sometimes they rode the bus... .but two hours was the rule... .I also remember taking them to day care when they were little... .like drop them off at like zero 6:30 am, as my wife at the time worked too... .what ever the schedule... .we improvised, overcame, and adapted... .

I don't really know what went on when I was deployed, but they seem to have turned out ok    ... .

When I think of my children, I always remember those early years, and it makes me smile, they were all so sweet, and happy... .even though mommy was a bit crazy sometimes... .(long story).

yeah... .sounds like you got your hands full defogger!

... .hang in there Brother !

Kind Regards, Red5

[AskingWhy]

defogging, good for you!      You did not engage with your W nor did you placate her.  

I have also filmed my H during one of his rages--secretly.  You can clearly hear him rage and call me the worst names, threaten divorce, threatened to take half my family business, and character assassinate me.  My family knows that H is very disordered and I don't need to send videos, but I keep them as a record for myself (and for law enforcement if need be.)  I already have one police report where H raged then stabbed a knife into a cutting board, then left the house in a rage. I called the police, tearfully making a report.  The police (both men) did not seem to think there was a problem but took a report so I could have a case number.  

(See Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear," on family violence and how law enforcement does not take it seriously enough.)  

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198  

pwBPD are said to be uncontrollable, but I have seen first hand (in my uBPD/uNPD H) that he can stop one of his rages in a second when someone like the postal carrier arrives.

The video is proof to your family and yourself that something truly is wrong in your R/S.

I am sorry your children have to witness the instability.

I am well acquainted with the rages and dysregulation from my H:  the divorce threats are a big favorite when he gets frustrated with me.  After at least 10 years of this, still no divorce papers have been served on me.  I recall once when H made threats I said, "Go ahead and divorce me.  This is the real gift all of your children deserve."  (All of his children, now adults, are in the BPD/NPD spectrum.)  H's X W left him while he was overseas in the military and then married her lover.  H is keenly aware of this, and always wanted to put up the mirage of loving husband to me.  As adults, he triangulated his already disordered children against me and enmeshed them.  He treated his daughters like wives, and his son like a best friend and drinking buddy.

I wish you courage as you seem to be able to detach yourself from your W when she dysregulates.  Bravo for your resisting her blackmail attempts of divorce and threatening to call your workplace.

 

[defogging]

Thanks for the replies.  This has made for an interesting day! 

The preliminary result is a smear campaign.  She called my sister and BIL, they were confused until my sister saw the video in her email.  My sister is a M.D. and understands mental illnesses better than the layperson.  She said it's a classic BPD response, my uBPDw felt "caught" and went on the offensive.  It was interesting - uBPDw told them she lives in fear and that I'm an alcoholic and abusive to her.  She doesn't know they saw the video and that was direct evidence against her words.

I'm sure she called her family too, but I don't talk to them much nowadays and don't care.  I doubt she called my work but if she did I'll just have a little chat with my boss and let him know what's happening at home.

Another good result is the reaction and increased support it got from my family.  They were shocked at the video and upset about it.  Said they had some idea of what was going on here but seeing it really hit home.

I'll add more later.  She will be home in a couple hours and it will either be an interesting evening or never mentioned again.  We shall see!

[formflier]

How do you think your wife felt, knowing you were going to send the video (or did send) to your family?

FF

[defogging]

How do you think your wife felt, knowing you were going to send the video (or did send) to your family?

She doesn't know I sent it, I told her I was taking video for her to watch later.  Are you implying I shouldn't have done this?

If the roles were reversed I wouldn't care.  Take a video of me getting the kids in the car in the morning and send it to whomever. 

[AskingWhy]

She doesn't know I sent it, I told her I was taking video for her to watch later.  Are you implying I shouldn't have done this?

If the roles were reversed I wouldn't care.  Take a video of me getting the kids in the car in the morning and send it to whomever.  

If someone dysregulates at me--rages, screams and threatens--all bets are off.   It was not always this way before I understood the mechanisms of BPD.  A pwBPD dysregulating is essentially a toddler having a tantrum, and toddlers need boundaries.  Allowing a toddler to lose it is poor parenting.  They need boundaries and consequences for transgressions...

defogging, you have your W consequences. She knew she was dysregulating.  I do not believe pwBPD are out of control because they can control themselves.  

With my uBPD H, he can be raging at me for something trivial, such as a household chore not done when he wants it (nonessential chores) and when his children show up to borrow an item, turn into the most sycophantic, boot-licking person in the world.  pwBPD are chameleons and H would occasionally wants to project the impression of domestic bliss to his children, replete with pet names and sweet talk.  Then when they leave, he breaks out the verbal stilettos and threats with raging again.  H rarely tells me he loves me.

defogging, you have every right to speak out in your defense and enlist supporters .  If you W does not like being filmed (she is ashamed and then furious), maybe she should work on controlling her temper.

I am almost out of empathy, to be honest.  I am really fed up with being a lower priority than H's adult children, then being treated like a punching bag.

That is my two cents.

[defogging]

Thanks for the support on this!  I appreciate it.

Update: Last night she would barely speak to me.  Not angry, more in a hurt and sheepish kind of way.  She was sweet to the kids and the evening was pretty uneventful so nothing was brought up.  This evening we're planning to go look at Christmas lights as a family, we'll see how that goes.  My guess is the video incident will fade away like other things do.  I also suspect she will try to video me as a payback, but I don't care and would smile for the camera!   

AskingWhy - Your observations really hit home with me.  That's exactly what her anger and reaction was like.  She KNOWS that behavior is unacceptable, and that's why she reacted the way she did.  She's just like your H, able to turn it off in an instant as soon as someone else shows up at the house.  In a way it makes this all more confusing, how can a pwBPD be aware they're not treating people well and then turn around and blame the world for it?  I guess that's why it's a sickness... .

Red5 - That makes me very happy to hear that your kids turned out okay.  That's my biggest worry in this situation.  I know I'm strong enough to walk away (from uBPDw, never from the kids!) at some point and never look back but I'm concerned about permanent scars on them.  Can't do it to the kids now though, I love them to death and would never leave them to fend for themselves against this. 

I reread the email from my sister this morning.  One interesting thing.  My sis laid out everything that was said to BIL, and mentioned that he was somewhat doubtful of me and he asked if there was more going on than I was telling them.  In my sister's words "uBPDw is very convincing".  Interesting to hear and good to know.  Her ability to convince others is what scares me about a potential divorce - who will the courts believe and would she be successful in alienating the kids?  She already tries to turn the kids against me, Lord knows what would happen if they only saw me every other weekend.

[formflier]

She doesn't know I sent it, I told her I was taking video for her to watch later.  Are you implying I shouldn't have done this?

If the roles were reversed I wouldn't care.  Take a video of me getting the kids in the car in the morning and send it to whomever. 

Not implying anything... .I've got more video and audio of crazymaking that anyone can likely imagine.

I'm asking you to reflect and imagine a bit how this felt for her.  Not asking how you would feel or what you told her... .

You know her best... .how do you think she felt about this?

FF

[defogging]

Not implying anything... .I've got more video and audio of crazymaking that anyone can likely imagine.

I'm asking you to reflect and imagine a bit how this felt for her.  Not asking how you would feel or what you told her... .

You know her best... .how do you think she felt about this?

I reflected on your question last night and my guess was that she felt betrayed and violated.  I understand how she would feel that way. 

That was confirmed this morning.  She cornered me in my office and said "So, I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for what happened yesterday."  We discussed the incident for a minute or two and what came out was that she felt betrayed.  I didn't apologize but I tried to validate by saying "I understand that you felt violated by me taking that video".

[formflier]

Where is the "battleground" for BPD?

What space in her head are you "fighting for"?  (I'm a military guy... so I use these analogies)

Yep... a bit vague... .but critical you understand it... .because it's very different than the "headspace" you usually "fight for" with a non.

FF

[Red5]

... .my guess was that she felt betrayed and violated. 

I understand how she would feel that way. 

That was confirmed this morning.  She cornered me in my office and said "So, I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for what happened yesterday."  We discussed the incident for a minute or two and what came out was that she felt betrayed.  I didn't apologize but I tried to validate by saying "I understand that you felt violated by me taking that video".

Classic !

... .just "classic"... .

The pw/BPD creates the event, and then revels in it, even as the pw/BPD prosecutes the resultant conflagration... .ie' your son being upset that his mother was going to leave him... .grabbing your phone, threatening to call your boss... .so forth and so on... .

... ."no deed, either good or bad... .EVER goes unpunished by the pw/BPD... .

Its all "dysfunction on parade"... .

You filmed her, she felt "betrayed"... .oh' yeah... .same old song and dance, .its like they all have the same play book,

Hang in there defogging... .you did well by NOT offering what I call, the "apathetic, lamented / laminated carte blanche / blank check... ."one size fits all "apology"... .

... .

"I'm going to give you a chance "

... ."I am going to give you a chance" she said... .wow, .that k-r-a-p never ceases to amaze me, been right there in that exact same "que" myself many many times my Brother... .this is the blame projection thing, .they did it, but its your fault... .good luck EVER trying to get them, the pw/BPD to have any semblance of responsibility for their actions... .

... ."I didn't apologize but I tried to validate by saying "I understand that you felt violated by me taking that video"."... .

There is a saying we used to use when I was in the service... ."play stupid games, win stupid prizes" ?

Keep posting Man!

Red5

[defogging]

Red5 - Thanks again for your support!  I laughed this morning when I thought about all the BPD behavior I witnessed in the last 24 hours.  FOG - We hit all three of them.  Fear: Threats of calling my boss; Obligation: Apparently I'm obligated to keep her behavior hidden from other people; Guilt: Lecture about how she can't trust me now.  Then top it off with the smear campaign yesterday which included victim-hood, accusations of my abuse, and blame transfer.  It was all textbook BPD stuff.

Where is the "battleground" for BPD?

What space in her head are you "fighting for"?  (I'm a military guy... so I use these analogies)

Yep... a bit vague... .but critical you understand it... .because it's very different than the "headspace" you usually "fight for" with a non.

Yes, your question is vague!  Not sure how to answer but I'll give it my best shot.

I think her battleground is needing to feel loved, and showing her need by wanting me to "help" all the time.  But it's the proverbial bucket with a hole that I can never fill up, and my empathy well is certainly running dry.

I don't feel like I'm fighting for any space in her head, or to get her to "see" anything.  I've given up on her changing.  I guess I'm fighting to regain control of my situation, my freedom to be who I am, and not let her intimidation affect me and the kids.  It's tough walking the fine line of trying to keep her calm and also not show my kids that husbands are to be pushovers that walk on eggshells.  My goal is to break the cycle for them, I don't really care about the future of our marriage anymore.  The funny thing with my uBPDw is pushing back really works.  This escalated quickly yesterday, but I wouldn't be surprised if this provoked an improvement in her behavior.  Think of the analogy of standing up to the schoolyard bully and then they don't mess with you again.

This battle I engaged in yesterday is primarily logistical.  I think it's highly likely that a bitter divorce is in my future with mega parental alienation.  With the smear campaigns and her convincing nature, I firmly believe I will need evidence of her behavior to get outside folks (courts, psychologists) to believe me.  Again, it's about the kids.  I don't want to divorce now and then have them go through years of living primarily with mom while I document every time she violates the custody agreement.  The damage would be mostly done before I could get increased custody and provide a calm house for them to live in.

No idea if that answer fits what you're looking for.     Feel free to keep pushing me, knowledge is king and I know I'm certainly not an expert at this!

[formflier]

The "battleground" is her emotions.

Your "battleground" is the "rational" part of your brain.

Just look at your "reasoning".  You wouldn't care if she videoed you... .therefore it's ok to video her.  (I agree with that... .by the way)

Does she agree with that?

She simply "thinks" and "feels"  (oops... .got that backwards)... .she simply "feels" and sometimes "thinks" very differently from you.

On the surface she appears to "speak the same language" as you, but in reality you both speak very different languages.

So... .take that as true for the sake of argument.  How can you communicate with her?

FF

[defogging]

So... .take that as true for the sake of argument.  How can you communicate with her?

FF

By stepping back and thinking about what feelings are behind the things she is saying, and trying to address the feelings.

[formflier]

By stepping back and thinking about what feelings are behind the things she is saying, and trying to address the feelings.

Yeah... but "thinking" about it is still in your language.

Hint... .if you want to talk to people in a foreign country you... ?

FF

[defogging]

Yeah... but "thinking" about it is still in your language.

Hint... .if you want to talk to people in a foreign country you... ?

FF

Speak their language.

So, I don't get it.  I'm not allowed to think, I have to have conversations based around her emotions?  How do you solve anything?  And isn't the tap dancing around her emotions akin to walking on eggshells?

(Fair to warn you at this point that I'm an engineer... .)

[Cat Familiar]

I should have been an engineer, because that’s how I think... .but that’s another story.

I’m totally clueless about validating my husband by talking in emotional language. He was asked to do a favor for a friend, A., who assumed it was a rather inconsequential request. Perhaps for some people it would be—it was taking a few photos at a big family event. My husband prides himself on being a “photographer” but he seldom takes pictures and the ones he takes, he spends innumerable hours on the computer, manipulating the images.

So, I didn’t respond the way I should have when he wanted me to commiserate with his “huge responsibility” for this request.

Instead, I went all logical and said something like, “It’s only 10 photos and you don’t have to work so hard on them. A. would never know the difference anyway.”  A lot is wrong there in my response—major invalidation!

So after he got angry about it, told me I wasn’t being supportive and he didn’t feel like I was even his friend (which triggered me), then we talked.

What he wanted was sympathy. “Oh, you poor baby! That’s so much work! How awful for you!” (I’m laughing as I type this, but that’s what would feel supportive to him. Go figure.)

Of course it would feel completely phony for me to say such things, but there’s a way I could convey those thoughts in my own words that would feel right to me (maybe).  

So no, you don’t have to set aside your standard thinking process and try to think in feelings. That might be nearly impossible for me, so I suspect it wouldn’t be easy for you to do either.

Perhaps it’s more like realizing I could actually communicate in Spanish with our gardener, should I take the time (a lot of time) and he has the patience to endure my elementary school Spanish, or at least what I remember of it. Instead, we communicate in English and with an occasional Spanish word thrown in, just to make sure we are on the same page.

It’s like my husband has a PhD in Feelings, while I’m a fourth grader. I’ll never be as adept in his language, but if at least I try, then he realizes that I’m attempting to meet him where he’s at.

[defogging]

I get what you're saying Cat Familiar, and I really try at times to remind her how much I appreciate her hard work and how much she takes on.  I have to give her credit that she is a hard worker and tries, but she creates so many of her own problems too... .

I guess I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.  As I said before my empathy well is running out, so it's impossible to act like I appreciate how "hard" it is to get three kids in the car and take them to school.  The reality is it's not hard.  Plan ahead, get them up in time to get dressed, make their meals further in advance (or pay for school lunch), etc.  But every morning it's the same thing with screaming, anger and "suffering", even though I do help get the kids dressed and loaded in the car.  In fact I usually do more of it than she does.

Case in point:  I just got a text from her that she canceled our house cleaning service today.  She mentioned it the other day as a way to save money.  My reply was it's not necessary, we can afford it.  (The real issue right now is her CC bills are approaching $2k/month all of a sudden so we DO have cash flow issues, but she won't admit the CC bill is a problem)  She did this once before -  canceled the service, then got overwhelmed with the amount of cleaning that she needs to do.  Same game as always.  "I'm too busy and you need to help!"  Oy... .

[AskingWhy]

defogging, I also have my empathy well running dry.

I know my H had a horrid childhood with a uNPD F and an enabler for a M.  I know he was married to a uNPD W for ten years.  His children are all in the NPD/BPD spectrum:  drugs/alcohol, homelessness, fired from jobs, suicide attempts, etc.  What a circus. (We know the attraction between BPDs and NPDS, and BPDs and enablers/codependents/empaths.)

That said, I am personally getting sick of being the sane one in the R/S.  Always being the one to understand, cut some slack, continually caring, etc.

I agree that almost any behaviour can be modified by NOT reinforcing it.  Engaging bad BPD behaviour reinforces it.  As I have mentioned on this board: no audience, no performance.   Keep ignoring the bad behaviour and it will eventually be extinguished like with the coonhounds.

The more boundaries you set up, the more you can hope behaviour to be modified.

[Cat Familiar]

I really try at times to remind her how much I appreciate her hard work and how much she takes on.  I have to give her credit that she is a hard worker and tries, but she creates so many of her own problems too... .

I guess I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.  As I said before my empathy well is running out, so it's impossible to act like I appreciate how "hard" it is to get three kids in the car and take them to school.  The reality is it's not hard.  

It’s walking the tightrope of not validating the invalid. You don’t have to tell her you appreciate her hard work if you don’t think she’s doing all that much. You can merely say something like “This must be exhausting for you.”

Remember in her world, feelings = facts. I hear similar things from my husband about how exhausting a day he’s had. The reality is that he’s retired, has plenty of money, and just had an hour-long conversation with his financial advisor. During that afternoon, I did a giant brush burn, dragging huge tree limbs to the fire and I have good reason to feel exhausted, but he’s oblivious to my feelings; it’s all about him being lost in his “poor me, wah wah, I had to make some hard decisions and now I’m exhausted.”

But would pointing out the discrepancy in our activities produce a positive result? Of course not. So I now think of validating him as sort of a game and if I can get it just right, he will be happy and pleasant that evening.

So I might say something like, “It must have been difficult figuring out what you want to do with your portfolio.” And that will get him talking and feeling understood and heard.

[defogging]

So she is in full on revenge mode tonight.  Bitter with me all evening, short answers, and verbal confrontation in the kitchen about how me taking that video has devastated the family and they can't trust us anymore.  Spiraled out of control into financial accusations, the same garbage about how our savings is dropping but apparently her CC bills have nothing to do with it.  

Kids were acting weird when I got home, then warmed up after I spent a little time with them.  I suspect she's been telling them some things about me behind the scenes based on their behavior.  Usually they're excited to see me, but it was a little different tonight and last night.

She's upstairs putting them down now, I'm expecting a confrontation after that.  This may get ugly and I'm prepared to leave the house if I need to.  My gut feeling is this is all an intimidation tactic related to the video.

[Cat Familiar]

Regarding her canceling the housecleaning service, but not acknowledging her credit card debt, remember pwBPD have a lot of internal shame. It’s too painful to admit that she’s out of control with her spending.

And she'd like to rope you in for more household servitude because with her limited empathy skills, she likely doesn’t appreciate all that you’re contributing to the household chores and child care responsibilities.

If she’s a stay at home mom, she probably thinks you have a fun time at work, and that you don’t do an equivalent amount around the house (in your limited spare time, of course.) Again, feelings equal facts.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, that video is biting you in the butt, but I totally understand why you took it.

Again, feelings equal facts. It’s not like you selectively edited it to make her look bad.

Best at this point to say little and disengage from the conflict.

[Notwendy]

This thread caught my attention as I imagined what it would have been like if cell phones were available when I was a kid. We'd have quite the collection of videos if we had gotten away with it, but most likely would have gotten in major trouble for taking them.

I understand why you took it - in the context of a case for divorce, but it also elicited a reaction from your wife. I too have witnessed the split second change from raging to being pleasant when another person enters the room. BPD affects the most intimate of relationships and for some reason, they are able to hold it together when relating to non intimate relationships but dysregulate with the people closest to them. I think it is debatable how much they can control this. I think they feel the most vulnerable in an intimate relationship and the feelings they need to manage are stronger.

I agree with the sense of shame being triggered when held responsible for their actions or caught in the middle of them. This can precipitate a rage.

Growing up, it was an absolute family rule to  not tell anyone about BPD mom's behaviors. Pretending mom was "normal" seemed essential to her psyche. If that was threatened, one reaction was a smear campaign eliciting people to "her side" vs the offender. If we ever caught mom in the act of her poor behavior, she'd rage at us that it was our fault.

I don't have advice for you other than to share the dynamics of this. You have your reasons ,but taking a video is perceived as a violation or betrayal by your wife and surely there will be a reaction to that. Ironically, she behaves at her worst for you because she feels most secure with you. She holds it together with others not because she likes them better but because she is afraid that if they saw this side of her, they would abandon her. Underneath the charming persona is a lot of fear and the video triggers this. This doesn't excuse your wife's behavior- she is accountable, but it may help to understand it.

[defogging]

Thanks NotWendy, that all makes absolute sense. 

I don't know if I'm going about this the right or wrong way, but I care about the kids a lot more than uBPDw's psyche.  I don't want them to end up scarred from this, so I want them to see (over time) that her behavior is not normal and nothing is wrong with them for thinking it's not normal.  I guess I am just not a person that can sit back and pretend this is okay.

Quick update on last night:  Just when you think they're going right, they go left!  Isn't that always the way?     I was ready for a big fight, instead she went into silent treatment and avoidance.  I walked into the kitchen to get water, she stomps out.  I walk into the bedroom to change clothes, she stomps out. 

This morning the attacks are back on, but they are silly and predictable.  I am in my office, she came in with a bill that arrived in the mail.  She said "I don't know how we're going to pay this?"  (implying I'm mismanaging our money and we have none)  My response: "with a check." 

[Red5]

This morning the attacks are back on, but they are silly and predictable.  I am in my office, she came in with a bill that arrived in the mail.  She said "I don't know how we're going to pay this?"  (implying I'm mismanaging our money and we have none)  My response: "with a check."

Mine used to do stuff like this 'all the time'... .I used to call it "the five o'clock charlie"... .from the old *MASH* series... .where some lone NK pilot in an old string-bag aeroplane would come by and try to "bomb" an "ammo dump"... .but could never hit the broadside of a barn... .it was quite comical to the folks on the ground... .same thing here... .the pw/BPD has really nothing else to "complain" about... .so they pick up a random "item", and run it up the "flagpole"... ."LOOK LOOK!"... .crisis crisis crises... ."manufactured"... .and very inconsequential... .

https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=otsQxq2b7a4

Yeah, she (my uBPDw) did this all the time... .and when I failed to jump on the crazy oh' $HIT train with her... .she would just sulk away, and call me a few names... .and then go looking for another "five o'clock charlie"... .

"Fun Times"... .

Hang in the defogger, and keep posting !

Red5

[defogging]

I used to call it "the five o'clock charlie" ... .from the old *MASH* series

Love it!  Perfect analogy.  I love MASH and know 5 o' clock Charlie well!  I'll remember that the next time it happens.

So now she wants to have a financial discussion tonight after kids are in bed.  I told her I would be happy to have a productive conversation about where we want to go.  No blame, no bringing up the past.  We have $X in our accounts now, let's discuss what we want to do with it.

So we'll see how that goes.  Even the best "looking forward" conversations we've had in the past are attempts to shift all the money her direction and force me into a position where I have to ask her for lunch money.  I'm seriously thinking about splitting our finances at this point and that may be brought up tonight.