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Author Topic: Court date for exuBPD full custody claim cancelled  (Read 374 times)
Mutt
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« on: October 17, 2018, 04:36:44 PM »

 Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) Disclaimer: My D12 came out as transgender several months ago and I refer to him as her here because I'm sharing this with members just like I would share with a friend / therapist I'm not 100% convinced that she is although her P says that she is but there is still a chance according to her P that she may not. I have to people irl life that I share personal information with and I refer to S12 as D12 I do respect her boundaries by using the pronouns that she chooses him and her male name.

Just an update my ex had broken the court order the first week of July by not giving me the kids on my time she kept them for 4 days. I filed a claim in court to enforce the court order because if I didn't then she would think that there are no consequences by breaking the court order she wanted to negotiate with me directly prior to keeping the kids, she wants some of the kids full time with her and I keep S7 I kept telling her that there is a system out there that takes care of this if she's not happy with the current order then change court order.


I filed and then she served me she wanted to change custody, she gets full custody I've had the current order for 5 years for the most part she was quiet or she would stay put I think that's a better way of saying it. She broke up with her bf the affair partner that she left me for and she is looking for money. In July the judge told her in court to not break the order again and she added a variation order that stated that the original court order stands but that I was not looking for access to D12 which led to problems later on the way that I devised the original order is very black and white with no ambiguity and the variation order is something that she interprets her way she thinks that she has full custody of D12

She filed to have full custody so on our court date we had to appear on my claim and her claim she might of done it on purpose on the same date because she would of had the court date on the affidavit that I gave to her. Not much happened that court date the judge told her not to break the court order again and the court said that she can't change custody in morning court that would have to be deffered to special chambers court. We both got an email from special chambers my ex had 2 weeks to serve me and I had a month to respond after the trigger date, my ex just replied all to the email and said that she intends on filing I was confused because she said that we still have court.

I called the court clerks at special chambers and they said that we have a date on Jan 11, I had also filed to change the child support because my ex makes almost as much as me, actually the same with the 7000 a year that I give to her if that were counted as income of course it's not, 5 years ago she said that she made 17000 a year and that gave her the full child support amount even though we had shared custody I don't that much but we need to modernise the amount of child support it's been five years.

She also thinks that she has full custody of D12 now because there is that variation order so she filed for full custody with the CRA and they took my benefits away for her. The reason why my D12 didn't want to come to my house is because her coming out to me was difficult and she didn't like my response she felt hurt I was angry at the time I didn't vent on her and the situation was no longer than 5 minutes I just said not in my house I could have been validating and more understanding but I didn't see this coming there was no hint of it, I wish that my exuBPDw could of talked to me directly and we could have discussed instead of having a 12 year old bare all of the weight and tell her dad I could tell from her face that she was really hurt. Also she dropped a bomb everyone reacts their way, process and accept things at their speed there's no recipe for it. My exuBPDw accused me of not being accepting and understanding she just accepted it right away, she was condescending fine you accepted it but I'm a different person.

I tried to file today to get rid of the variation order I had already gone to mediation to change child support that didn't go well the lawyer said that he wasn't biased but he was trying to get her the best deal I thought at the meeting this is not going well may as well go to court. I also wanted to have access to D12 they said that I could file but it will probably be stricken down in court because of the special chambers date I told them I haven't had access to D12 since February you want me to wait until January how long is it going to get sorted out is it going to take a year you're preventing the r/s of a child / parent.

They noticed that my ex had not filed correctly and I hadn't responded what do you respond to if you don't get served/ They couldn't give me a date because of that court date so I went to the court house across the street to get the special chambers schedule they said that they are going to mail both of us advising of us that it has been cancelled they said that's going to take time I told them that I'm trying to file this stuff at the resolution centre and I can't because of this pending date they said that I can file regardless, so I filed to get the variation order removed and go back to the original court order and to get child support changed and tonight I serve uBPDw again. The court date is in two weeks.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2018, 05:19:50 PM »

So sorry to hear of your sabotaged contact.  My court seemed not to care about lost parenting time.  I was blocked from my 4 year old for over 3 months.    It began during our separation when our cases against each other were withdrawn (hers) or dismissed (mine).  By the time I filed for divorce and waited for the initial divorce hearing it was over 3 months, not even phone calls got though to him.  The magistrate wasn't shocked, peeved or perturbed at all, he simply stated, "I'll fix that."  So we got an order very similar to the one before, going forward (prospective) only.  I got no make-up time, she got no consequences.

Your situation ought to be different.  This is post-divorce.  By now the court expects the family discord to have dissipated.  Nearly a year of limited or no contact on a trumped up claim of feeling unheard or whatever ought to be a real concern to court.  This is not normal.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 01:51:34 PM »

I should count myself lucky because we do text and she did come out to a family function last night I’m sorry that you couldn’t even get calls through.

I thought about what you said about unheard feelings D12 said that I have to earn her trust, i put her through her worst year of her life, she felt alone and unheard.

This feels like the punishment doesn’t suit the crime, some dads don’t want to be involved with their kids, i gave her a wide hearth that i regret now and i was really patient with her but i don’t appreciate the blame shifting and these distorted thoughts.

I can’t fathom how difficult it would be to go through what she’s going through I can empathize I know that it’s not the complete picture for me it’s not my fault that she chose to come out, or she’s confused about her sexuality or that she’s really mixed up unfortunately I feel like she sent to the wrong source for support she was looking for someone to understand but the empathy that exuBPDw has shown her is an ends to a means for her it’s to feed into this image that she’s the perfect and most understanding person.

I was thinking about getting made up time I’ll see how court goes on Nov 2 I am thinking of filing to enforce parenting time the longer that she’s with exuBPDw the longer she’s exposed to these distortions I think that some of it comes from D12 but I think most of it is second hand from exuBPDw, I served exuBPDw the other day and she wouldn’t even open the door she threatened to call the cops really you’re threatening me with the cops because you’re getting served? What picture is she painting to the kids that were there at her house? That dad is menacing?

I think this route has proven to be unfruitful well not entirely I have had some success with repairing the r/s with D12 but I don’t think that I’ll get her home this way I’ll have to see if the court order has some bite but it’s time to bite back ( not at D12 ) I think that she’ll resist coming back because she’s shown defiance snd avoidance up to this point I don’t expect that to change I just can’t think of another way if I can get her to my house and she’s exposed to me I might be able to influence  her. 7 months is too long.
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« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2018, 05:25:41 PM »

Mutt,

I hadn't realized access has been limited for this long. It must be really hurting you. My heart goes out to you and your 12 year old. Sounds like D12 is hurting, too.

This is so tough because you can't really build trust without her seeing through your actions that you get it, now ... .that she is safe, that her safety is your first concern. And if you don't have access, there's little opportunity for that to happen, for her to see that. I'd keep going to the support groups that you have started, and just keep proving to her that you're committed to her. Let her know how much you miss her. Let her know that you still believe it is important for her to have a dad in her life who loves her.

It's really eye opening that even after 5 years of relative stability with your ex, she still in an instant convinces herself that you have no rights as a parent to make a mistake. I am afraid I am in the same boat with my ex. She can be wildly unstable and do one harmful thing after another to the kids, but if I have one thing she perceives that I do wrong, she will be clamoring for a change to the parent plan (50/50). I don't blame you for being angry with your ex, for allowing the blindside to take place. Crummy thing for one person to do to another person and to their own kid to build up their own self importance.
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« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2018, 06:23:27 PM »

Thanks for the supportive words and I’m sorry that you’re going through something similar takingandsending. Sge said in a message that the lawyer in our mediation session saw who I am I replied to her and said the lawyer saw for an hour a fraction of the person I am theres to me than what he saw in that hour he doesn’t know me.

I can relate with doing one thing or something that’s perceived by the ex and then you’re proclaimed the villain and that she’s going to protect the kids against you. I see triangulation play out so many times knowing that she’s trying to boost her self image to others by casting herself as the rescuer does help.

I think that she’s scared she sent me a message saying that D12 is coming over for supper next Friday and will hang out ( first time in several months ) Next Friday we have court I told her that’s not good enough I want her at my house for my week. I agree with you about the pain what pains me most is that my D12 is not seeing both sides she’s siding with mom because she wanted hormone blockers even to try to get her to spend any time with me she just comes up with excuses.

I decided to play this differently she’s brainwashed by mom and like you said she needs to be around me to have a r/s and understand that there are two sides not necessarily tell her but have her see it through actions. I need to be able influence her she needs to be at my house.

So I’ve been putting pressure on mom I told her that this is blown way out of proportion and that if it were me I would of told D12 that she can spend a week or two max but then she has to go to the other house she’s not doing that I said it’s on her she’s continuously breaking the court order.  

I am surprised that she didn’t give me a response when I served her with changing access and child support this is a first unless she’s going to serve me at court next Friday. For now putting on her seems to be working I want to keep D12 out of it i want her back home ill see how court goes next Friday.
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« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2018, 04:23:54 PM »

There is a case in Texas that's in the news now, mother insists 6 year old James is really transgender 'Luna' and dad is now prohibited by court order from dressing his son in boys' clothes.  Evidently dad resolved his dilemma by providing both types and letting the boy decide.  When with mom he dresses as a girl, when with dad he dresses as a boy.

Excerpt
... .the mother has accused the father of child abuse in their divorce proceedings "for not affirming James as transgender" and is looking to strip the dad of his parental rights. "She is also seeking to require him to pay for the child’s visits to a transgender-affirming therapist and transgender medical alterations, which may include hormonal sterilization starting at age eight"

Oh, the mother evidently is a pediatrician and chose the transgender therapist.  Several sites report this, there are enough details here that you can search and find the articles.  I get the feeling dad ought to find this place.

Hint:  www.thefederalist.com is one site with an article on this case.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2018, 02:17:33 PM »

I see a lawyer tomorrow and I have an early intervention case conference on Friday it’s like mediation but with a judge instead of a lawyer this time. My ex served me some papers the other day and she’s retained a lawyer for the kids so if she is able to do that I should be able to do the same thing.

She wants full custody so that she can decide the medical and educational needs of the kids. The D12 is a huge point in her motions she wants her to take testosterone like yesterday.

My D12 came over and wanted to talk to me about testosterone and what I thought and I said you might have 80 in front of you I’m not saying and I’m not saying no but what if you decide to change your mind? I told her that the P said that once a child hits puberty and their body changes they realize that their thought patterns don’t match their sexual parts. She hit puberty when she was 9 how do you explain that four years later she’s transgender when really it should of been four years ago? I also said that there was a classroom in the UK where 17 kids out of that class declared that they were transgender.

 I told her that I need to talk to a professional with a masters or a PHD  I said I have to consider this very carefully she seemed ok with it the other day she asked me what I thought about getting a nose piercing I said I know it’s exciting to get a piercing but I think that you should wait until 14 or 15 and she said Ok she seems like she’s listening.

How does a six year old identify with their sense of self as the opposite sex? What if they change their mind after taking estrogen or testosterone hormones and it’s irreversible? What’s the rush? Is it a social or political agenda? Where I live they used to have to have the person go through two years of therapy before hormone therapy my D12 is on hormone blockers for 4-5 months and I was told that age can take it up to two years and they said she’s ready testosterone? What’s going on with hormones?

My decision is based on what’s best for my D12  not about what’s best for an agenda that has nothing to do with our family life.
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« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2018, 03:00:59 PM »

I do know a transgender 8/9?-year-old.  Born a boy, she has identified as female since she could talk.  Her mom is a very conservative Christian, and mom tried all kinds of things before finally having to accept that this is her child's reality.  (They are very outspoken about their experiences - you can probably ID them over google.)  I was really hesitant to believe these were decisions that little kids could be making without outside influence until I met this child and spent time with the family.

I don't have any experience with kids who identify as transgender when they are tweens or teens.  I think reasonable people could agree that it's a good idea to get a second opinion for late-identifying children before they make a choice that can't be reversed. 

If a second opinion concurs that your child does have gender dysphoria, and your position is that your child shouldn't have hormone therapy for years, then you are most likely going to end up losing custody.

I feel for you - this can't be an easy situation for any of you.
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2018, 04:19:10 PM »

She said at one point that she wants hormones or she doesn’t want to come back. Her intake was June of this 6 months ago a few weeks after that was hormone blockers and about three weeks ago she was given the ok for testosterone.

I think that reasonably any of the people involved the P, endocrinologist etc would want to make sure that they made the right choice. I don’t appreciate the emotional blackmail from my ex or my D12 because it’s not going quickly enough for them.

They used to take years with this that has nothing to do withme and the same goes how they reversed i lt with giving them hormones within s few months. It is unwise to make a hasty decision that affect someone for decades.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2018, 06:14:06 PM »

How does a six year old identify with their sense of self as the opposite sex? What if they change their mind after taking estrogen or testosterone hormones and it’s irreversible? What’s the rush? Is it a social or political agenda?

I too would ask, what's the rush?  This wasn't in the public's consciousness until recently, at least not up front.  What got attention was the same-sex lobby, going from domestic partnership (1980s & 1990s) to civil unions to marriage.  That last was, when, June 2015, less than 3.5 years ago?  Then immediately, without a pause or breather, gender was thrust upon the world as the next issue to reshape the world, not at a pondering evaluating pace but Now.  It feels like society is being rushed.  Yes, society is morphing, but must everything change, is every change for the better?  It's more than live and let live, it's virtually agree with me or else.  (Pardon me if any think my observations extreme, but that's how it seems and feels to me.)

To be clear, I don't want to trigger a debate, that is not the purpose of this site and there are varying opinions on this matter.  I'm just remarking that Mutt has a valid question, what's the rush?  It came up as an issue just a half year ago and there's real possibility the mother has influenced the child as part of alienation.

I believe one who wrote one of those articles I referenced above did have a surgical gender change and in later life regretted it.  I'm sure that's why he (she?) advised caution and not pressuring or rushing things for children.
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