New here - Adult Child with BPD refuses to get any kind of help, I'm a trigger

[Schoolmarm]

I am a new member, hoping to get some help with my adult son who I suspect is BPD. I have been seeing a social worker who has identified his problem, but he refuses to get any kind of help. From several books I've read, the description of BPD with a narcissistic component fits him like a glove. At age 47, he is still dependent on me for most of his financial support. He is smart and creative and understands how a man is supposed to act, but his emotional reactions to everyday events are so intense and disturbing that he can't function well in society. He realizes that he struggles but accuses others and blames me, his brother, family, society, the government, etc. for messing up his life. Our relationship is inconsistent, but I am committed to helping him as well as I can, but I also am a trigger to the emotional problems. The problem of failing has occurred within the last 15 years; up to that time, his life was relatively normal, but he was always different from his older brother in many ways. The social worker feels that I am a co-dependent.
I would like to discuss this with anyone else who has an older son with this problem!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Schoolmarm

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm glad you've joined us and sorry to hear what you're dealing with your son  the behaviours you describe will sound familiar to many parents here, intense emotions. In what way do you think you're a trigger? Does your son live with you?

WDx

[Schoolmarm]

Thank you for replying! I still don't know much about navigating this site, but so far I think it will be very helpful. Just to know there are others with the same problem really helps. My son and I don't live together most of the time, but we share an apartment that he lives in full-time and I visit about 4 or 5 days for about 6 months of the year. He visits my house maybe 1-2 times a year. I never know whether his intense emotional responses to things I say are because he can't help it or his trying to manipulate and upset me by getting angry. He claims I am deliberately upsetting him, but his anger is usually over very trivial matters that I had no idea would bother him. I am supporting him, because he claims he can't work for anyone who doesn't respect him! He doesn't even try to get a job. Sometimes he sells things on Craig's list, but it's not enough to live on. Do you also have a son who is BPD? If so, tell me about your situation.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Schoolmarm,

I have a 36 year old son, undiagnosed and high functioning who exhibits BPD traits. Some of what you have written resonates with me.

My son is in denial that there is anything wrong with him, preferring to believe that it is me, my husband and one of his sisters that have problems and of course he blames us for any problems that he does acknowledge that he has. He decided to go NC (no contact) with us two years ago. When we were communicating he was often like you describe your son. I realise now that I was probably ‘triggering’ him by basically invalidating him/his feelings. Do you think that might be the reason your son reacts the way that he does towards you?

I think “Respect” was my son’s favourite word in his vocabulary. He demanded respect from us whilst unashamedly telling us that he had no respect for us.

I look forward to hearing more from you x 

[Schoolmarm]

Hi "Feeling Better"
At least I assume that is your name for this site! Very happy to hear from you. It sounds as though your son might have the narcissistic component that I think my son has, along with BPD. It's really a burden to the entire family to have someone you love with this disorder. Sometimes he upsets me so much I want to walk away from him, but most of the time I feel very sad for him and his future. He can be a very nice guy and is talented in so many ways, but just cannot figure out how to turn his skills into a job with which he can support himself. It's so unfair, also. I have read several books that have helped me understand the way he probably regards himself inside  (a failure) but it's a real challenge to constantly try to filter everything I say to him. You are right about the invalidation, but when he was growing up, he seemed very normal. If he was constantly being invalidated, he didn't express it. He never talks about his true feelings. He reacts with anger and hostility when he is triggered. I try to respond with statements that are relative to the subject but that don't feed into his emotions, but I'm still learning how to do that. It sort of works for the moment, but the problem is still there!
Is your son  working and supporting himself? Do you have any techniques for dealing with him? Do you stand up to him when he says things that bother you or retreat and avoid the argument? I am constantly backing off. I never thought I was afraid of him, but the social worker I'm seeing says I am co-dependent on him. I'm still trying to analyze that. I think I'm afraid for him, not of him. He never has been violent with me. He has destroyed some property in his anger, but nothing big.
I would enjoy hearing from you again! Thank you.

[wendydarling]

Hi Schoolmarm

Good to hear from you.

Me, well I have a 30yr daughter (30DD) living at home. She was diagnosed at 26 after hospitalisation, she was very ill and realised there was only one option and that was to fight to get well, she realised she did not want to die, she wanted to live. She engaged in treatment, through DBT and eventually finding the right meds she managing using the skills she's learnt with support of family and friends.

As you'll have likely read BPD is a broad spectrum and more than often co-morbid, despite that parents recognise the similarities in our stories and where there are also differences. eg my DD is a quiet person (internal) with BPD, not the typical well known borderline (external). It was a journey understanding my DD from the literature I read in 2015/16. From what you've read and the help of your social worker you see BPD traits in your son, with narcissistic traits too.

My end game and likely yours and many parents here is for our children to live independently, be that through social services support, disability allowance, assisted living. I'm not going to be here one day. That's what I'm working towards, at the moment I'm investing in how she is helping herself in managing her disorders.

When we provide for our adult children they can become complacent if they are not helping themselves at the same time, they can also feel a sense of entitlement to be looked after, financially. This is not healthy, realistic for them nor us.

I know this is a really tough question I'm asking you   (for the good) we can work back from this to what's happening today. How do you see your living independently, without your support? What are his options?

WDx  

[Feeling Better]

Hi again Schoolmarm

I’ve realised I didn’t address the codependency part of your initial post and I’m wondering whether you feel that you could well be co-dependent. Any thoughts on that? Another thought that crossed my mind was whether or not you feel that you are enabling your son.

You are right about the invalidation, but when he was growing up, he seemed very normal. If he was constantly being invalidated, he didn't express it. He never talks about his true feelings. He reacts with anger and hostility when he is triggered. I try to respond with statements that are relative to the subject but that don't feed into his emotions, but I'm still learning how to do that. It sort of works for the moment, but the problem is still there!

I understand all of this, my son however, unlike your son, used to discuss his feelings with me but at that time I had no idea that his feelings were facts to him. I knew I couldn’t validate his facts but didn’t know about validating his feelings and like you I found that I could say something that worked in the moment but then the problem was still always there. There is an excellent video on the site about validation and invalidation, let me know if you would like me to give you the link.

Is your son  working and supporting himself? Do you have any techniques for dealing with him? Do you stand up to him when he says things that bother you or retreat and avoid the argument? I am constantly backing off.

My son is working and supporting himself very well as far as I know. He lives in a different country to me and doesn’t respond to my emails. I don’t have any techniques for dealing with him as he was already no contact with me when I first came to this site, however despite that I decided to learn as much as I could about the disorder (I had only just found out about it) and new ways of communicating with my son, in the hope that one day I will be able to use the new skills that I have been learning. How do you feel about learning new skills too?

You say that you are constantly backing off to avoid an argument, I personally think that is the right thing to do, take yourself away from the situation, for your own self care and also to give your son space to regulate his emotions. Standing up to him would probably just escalate the ensuing argument.

wendydarling asked you a couple of interesting questions, I would like to know too, do you see your son being able to live independently in the future, and also, what options do you think could be available to him?

FB x