When is it time to simply let go

[jones54]

 I apologize if it seems to sound like I am babbling endlessly here but wanted to get this off my back since I feel I am at a turning point.
When I first came on this website over a year ago the title of my topic was
 "I am done". This was because my 33yo BPD daughter was using heroin, would not work and also disrespected me and her mother. With the help of a therapist we completely pulled back in hopes she would "hit rock bottom" and get help for her heroin addiction. It has now been over a year. Since the time we pulled back, she has been evicted from where she was living, totaled her car by hitting a semi, lived in a homeless shelter and over dosed 3 times. She finally went into rehab in the Spring for 3 months. She actually was sober and acted "normal". She was kind and we all had a good relationship with her. The positive is that we do not believe she has not used heroin for over 6 months (new record). But that is only half of her problems. She has BPD and never continued the therapy she was getting in rehab. The chaos continued... .kicked out of two halfway houses, being homeless living in seedy motels and finally going to Florida only to run out of money to again stay in another homeless shelter.
It has been a long time since I had a good relationship with my DD. I have tried to be there for her including when her mother left and I raised her when she was 17. For the last few years she has fully resisted having anything to do with me. If a small opening to reconnect occurred there would be slight improvement. Not soon after she would "kick me to the curb". She has projected on me all her problems for the last few years (she used to do this with her mother but it is now me) with caustic texts. It is endless and what she has said many times is cruel and mean.
For years I have given her a pass since I felt bad she was stuck with BPD. I tried to love the person and not the disease. This is very common to do in Alanon. I have been miserable for the past year. I have never felt this way in my entire life other than maybe when her mother walked out. I have been almost addicted to all of this. It has become the focus of my life. It has effected me in my work, my close relationships including all other aspects of my life. I feel that I have become co-dependent. I have tried to get a handle on this including seeing a therapist. I am honestly so exhausted by this. Always waiting for something positive to happen and then only to be let down by another bad choice of my DD. I am sure others have felt this.
I am trying to have acceptance. I truly believe that in situations such as this we all go thru the phases that Kubler-Ross described happens when we are confronted with something terrible (terminal cancer diagnosis, death of a loved one, etc.). They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I am not sure but having someone with this diagnosis, as your child,  has to affect you when you realize it is something like an addiction that can get better but is chronic and probably will never go away.
Many of us have tried to get our kids to seek out help. Unfortunately many will deny the problem and nothing ever changes. Trying to get the person to seek out help can be frustrating, especially when you know that is probably the only way things could improve. You have to keep reminding yourself what they say in alanon "you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it".
I guess what I am saying is that at some point in time you may have to "throw the towel in". I was told when they turn 18 they are no longer your responsibility.  This does not mean you give up hope but you eventually have to accept reality. I think we (at least me) punish ourselves for having expectations that are unrealistic with our BPD kids. I have learned to accept the little things that are good but unfortunately they are far and few between.
I am sorry if I am rambling. It just seems lately that I feel better if I do my best to have acceptance and simply let go. If I continue to put out endless efforts ( or waiting) hoping things will improve, I simply live in a state of disappointment (and depression). I am sure I am in the depression/acceptance stage of Kubler-Ross.
 Being codependent is very unhealthy. This has destroyed me. Everyone will say that is ok to feel this way, after all "it's your child". But there has to be a limit. Trust me, I have read many of the books. Bothersome when you finally realize they are talking directly about you. I do not know if others have felt the way I do. I do know I cannot live in this state of nonacceptance for the rest of my life. This has gone on for many years and the last few have only gotten worse. Living in constant fear they will overdose and die can strangle you.
I fully understand it is up to her to decide if she wants to be better (therapy), but I have to stop wanting it more than she does. I know I need to remain hopeful. I also have to be careful that I do not mix up hope with expectations. If this is what I need to do so I can feel better about this chronic situation, I am not sure I have any other choice.
I hope I am not sounding like this is all a downer. I hope that by trying to have acceptance will allow myself  to move forward to happier future.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi jones54,

to clarify, are you speaking of letting go emotionally, ie expectations, or physically, ie no contact?

[jones54]

Hi Once Removed,
Since she has refused any contact with me l really have no choice in that. I guess what I am saying is letting go both emotionally as well as having expectations. I think for many of us(at least me) that we get so caught up in their chaos since they are our kids. At some point in time you have to let go. Kind of like if you jumped in the water when someone is drowning. What can happen is they can pull you underwater in their panic. Not sure if this is a good analogy but I am feeling this way and the only way to have my life back (and sanity) is to let go. All I can do is remain hopeful that one day she feels she wants to be feel better and seek serious counseling. I have done all I can do. I actually have written her and told her that her mother and I understand she wants no relationship with us and when she changes her mind we will be here waiting.
Thanks

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Jones,

Your analogy is a good one, that's definitely how I felt a lot of the time. Barely treading water, in danger of drowning at any time. I would add in getting pulled down river by a strong current and desperately grabbing at rocks and branches to keep ourselves above water.

I think having no expectations is vital to healing and moving forward. Being able to accept that what we wanted for our kids may never happen and loving them anyway, even if we have no contact with them.

I like the message you sent her. It's loving and consistent, and respects her wishes as well.  You deserve to live your own life.  You owe it to yourself. Are you still feeling guilty about it, though? I hope not, you tried everything you could. She is an adult and has chosen not to seek help.

[jones54]

Hi HB,
Thanks for your note. I am trying to be more firm with my boundaries. You seem pretty good at this. For years she has blamed me for everything. I am not perfect but I do not feel guilty. Others who know me well, consistently have said to me that I have done more than most in my efforts to help her            ( although the constant negative comments can wear you down). I like your down the river analogy. Throughout the years I probably have been waiting to go over the waterfall with her addiction and BPD. The most important thing is I need to keep reminding myself is that I have been  the one that will do anything to help her in regard to the BPD ( pay for any therapy,etc.). Unfortunately she is an adult that refuses to seek help. Yes,I deserve to live my own life. We all do.
I always appreciate what you say.

[Faith Spring]

"I fully understand it is up to her to decide if she wants to be better (therapy), but I have to stop wanting it more than she does."

Jones, this really hit home.  Had to read it a few times.  My girl will be 18 soon.  I have to pull up the break slowly.  I want her to love life.  I can't want it more than she wants it.  Her life now is made up of blaming me for neglect and blaming her father for abuse.  She has BPD and maybe bipolar according to the latest shrink. 

Sometimes I feel like we are just giving really mean people a disease so they can elicit sympathy.  That's probably awful.  But God, is this the meanest disease or what?

My gut is telling me you're on the right track.  You do deserve to love your life.  Maybe its ok to be "done" with madness.  This is madness - when our help is met with rage and our love met with hate.  I'm kinda done myself. 

[jones54]

Thanks Faith Spring. Yes, this is one of the worst diseases to have. My daughter had a year of grad school and fully understands the personality disorders. I am sure that is why she is refusing to accept that she has it.
Your daughter will be 18 soon. I hope you decide sooner than I did to worry more about yourself instead of the chaos of this disease.

[NSChick]

"Sometimes I feel like we are just giving really mean people a disease so they can elicit sympathy.  That's probably awful.  But God, is this the meanest disease or what? "

Sometimes I feel the same way. 

I'm trying to take care of myself and accept the no contact my daughter has imposed.  This is truly a devastating disease for everyone involved. 

[FaithHopeLove]

You sound very loving and wise to me
 I think you are doing the right thing by letting go with love. I particularly relate to what you said about the difference between hope and expectation. I too have hope that one day my son will have a better life but if and when that happens is up to him not me.

[jones54]

Well, I finally let her know with an email that it appears she wants nothing to do with her parents. I said if she changed her mind to let is know. We will always be here. No response from her. All her needs are being met with the person who she is staying with. This was supposed to be temporary but I am sure she has convinced him to let her stay. A shame that it appears all she wants us for is to support her. She never responded which I guess is good. Because usually it would be a raging hate text. I also tried to explain to her why we did what we have done in the past ( sending her to rehab to help her and not to abandon her). Also said a few other things about her continued refusal to seek therapy and our fear of dying from heroin if we continued to support her. This was the letter I had been wanting to send for a long time but did not because others had felt she would just deny my explanations. Oh well. Nice to finally get it off my back. Hoping she will understand at least some of my explanations. I am not holding my breath.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Jones, I'm glad you were able to say what you've been wanting to. And that she hasn't responded negatively. It does help a little to be able to say our piece.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Hi HB,
Well, I spoke too soon. She responded and more or less said she was hopeful that I was happy with all the decisions I made (I tried to explain why we did what we did to pull back) and that I no longer have a daughter. The best thing for her to do was not have me in her life. She said I will never change. Ugh. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. She does her best to try to make me feel bad. I want to write back to her but I am sure it would fall on deaf ears. So hard to know what you have done for them in the past was to help but they can only see it as we are the bad parent and cause of all their problems. Another reason why I say  it may be time to simply let go. So hard to do but she will destroy the rest of my life if I continue having a relationship with her like this.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Jones,

Ugh. That sucks. My daughter said something really similar. I responded to you on my thread also.

I think it gets to the point where it's more like banging your head against a brick wall. You're not talking to a logical person. She may, a long time from now, have an epiphany about how she's treated you. But nothing you say now is going to change her mind. If she does have an epiphany it will be because she either gets treatment or she is in a friendship or relationship where the other person treats her the way she treats you.

Check out my other response there is a lot more there