First post introduction stepdaughter officially diagnosed dealing with the news

[oldestkid]

I am middle aged woman in a functioning second marriage. We each have a young adult son successfully living independently and I have a son with Down Syndrome young adult living at home (happily) and he has a daughter one year younger with Spina Bifida living unhappily at home.   She has considerable medical and emotional problems including incontinence, is mobile with a wheelchair, severe obesity, binge eating disorder, has a shunt in her brain to prevent hydrocephalus, experienced the protracted illness and cancer death of her abusive mother who had physical custody of her when she was 16.   Parents had a horrible divorce.   I came to this board years ago when we were trying to deal with the mother's behavior and we got so much help here in coping but the end result is that my stepdaughter is very ill.   Her therapist told me we got her "too late".  It is heartbreaking living with that but there is no way I can fully accept that so we are committed to working at building the best life for her as a family.  As soon as her mother died we put our daughter in therapy.  Her mother would not allow that.   We suspected, but now know for sure,
that she was abusing our daughter.   The atrocious aspect of the mother was that she knew better.   She was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.     After all this time with much therapy and testing we have a diagnosis as of October 1, 2018 for our daughter which is Histrionic Personality Disorder AND Personality Disorder Negativistic Type.   I am having trouble sharing the information with her.  She is really hard to live with and my husband travels overnight 75percent of the time.  We are in therapy, paying privately but I am needing more support.   Is this Messageboard a place I can come?   I feel so alone and not having a BPD or NPD diagnosis it seems there is no place out of the therapist's office where I can get a new insight through shared experiences to get me out of the "pits" I sometimes fall into.    The hardest thing about my daughter is when she hurts my son who is very sweet natured.   She loves him in her own way, yet  she stole a large amount of money from him last Christmas ( she still won't admit) and as the holidays approach my dread and anger are increasing.   Bringing it up in therapy is something I dread.   Therapy is so hard because I have to deal with her negativity after each session, and she so readily throws "loved ones" under the bus.   It reminds me of the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".   Right now I have a printout of Negativistic Personality Disorder which describes her to a "T".   I want to give it to her so she is fully informed of what the diagnosis is, yet I dread her reaction, and am perhaps overempathizing as I think it will hurt her even more to read this list of behaviors.   I'm wondering how much information to share, actually how to handle having a diagnosis at all.   It's shocking, depressing, not really a surprise, and aggravating that so much time passed before this point.  I'm sad for my daughter.   I do feel the quality of care has been pretty good.  Her current therapist has been helpful with a strong positive history of helping various family members through problems.   She could only do so much with the lies my daughter fed her during two years of therapy.   We have all suffered from her lying.  Loving her just hurts. Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi oldestkid, and

I am needing more support.   Is this Messageboard a place I can come?

yes, and im glad you have reached out. this is a 24/7 peer support community with folks who are walking or have walked in your shoes, and all of whom understand. a strong support system is really critical in navigating these turbulent waters, and not only will you find compassion and understanding, but you can learn tools to help stabilize your relationship with your stepdaughter, to support her and yourself, and get to steadier ground. joining in the threads of others will also go a long way toward reducing those feelings of being alone, and building your support network.

I want to give it to her so she is fully informed of what the diagnosis is, yet I dread her reaction, and am perhaps overempathizing as I think it will hurt her even more to read this list of behaviors.   I'm wondering how much information to share,

i would recommend discussing this with the therapist first, and get her thoughts on if, when, and how to handle the news, and to begin a plan around how you can best support your stepdaughter and yourself.

how old is your stepdaughter now?

[oldestkid]

Our daughter is 24.
Thank you very much for your advice.   I will talk to her therapist about talking to her about the diagnosis.  Our sessions are set up weekly; one week we are together, including my husband when he can, and the following week her alone.   I do not have a time set up where I can talk at length with the therapist privately.   
Because she has a "dual diagnosis" and it is not BPD I was unsure if this would be an appropriate message board, but there is nothing comparable online.   
Reading about others here, I feel so bad for people.   Why does life have to be so awfully hard?   

[wendydarling]

Hi oldestkid

Along with Once Removed I welcome you to the family  , I'm so very glad you've reached out, as Once says a strong support group is critical. Many of our children have dual diagnosis like your DD, or traits, or undiagnosed. More than often BPD is co-morbid and I'm sure you'll likely recognise parents describe behaviours, perspectives, situations similar to your DDs, negativity, passive aggressive, histrionic, lying, stealing... .you are not alone    It's heart breaking to hear what your DD's been through and yes I'm right with you when her therapist says 'it's too late', there are many things we learn we can do to improve our situation and that of our family. Small gentle steps.

Ugh, stealing from your son, is the pits, are you planning to raise this in therapy?  Have you made any head way understanding the lying, it's often discussed here. Panda39 will likely pop by she found family by googling 'cronic lying'.

It's good to talk 

WDx

[oldestkid]

Thank you wendydarling for the welcome.   It feels good to see those "open arms". 
Bringing up the lying/stealing in therapy will stink.  My problem is that there is no trust in her.    If she says she did not do it I don't beleive it.  She has become invalid.
I tried to come to an agreement with her, that if I ask her a question and her impulse is to lie, to please tell me "I'm not comfortable talking about that".   That way she does not fall over the edge into the lie immediately.  She gains time to collect herself.    She said in her prior life with her mom she would have physical reactions to being asked questions and she would lie to escape what she now knows is a "fight or flight" reaction.   Reorienting her to the present and reminding her of who I am and who I am not is part of this.   
Am very cautious about any criticism of her late mom.  She may be truthful about the abuse but there are colorations she puts on anyone who challenges or tries to teach her.
When she first heard she has HPD(she does not know about the passive aggressive/negativistic) she said "Oh great, everyone is going to have to walk on eggshells around me now.   I'm turning into my mother".   Turned me inside out and I reassured her that there are degrees of disability here, that she is getting help, and that I have hope for her.    I read "Get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland years ago.   That courageous survivor gives me reason for hope.  Not too much hope.  But a little.