Splitting and object relations

[AskingWhy]

We all know the mechanism of splitting is based on object relations/object permanence.  The concept of object permanence develops in early childhood, from 8 to 18 months of age.  I suspect my H's BPD started when he was still a young child.  His younger brother was born when he was 17 months old, and into a family with a uNPD father.  This may have caused his core wound of abandonment.

H is out of state on a business conference.  His traveling clothes consisted of loose clothing for the long plane flight, but also a sports team jersey from a sport he hates, given to him by one of his adult Ds, and a sports team hat he bought for himself--from the same hated sport.  It occurred to me that these items were mementos of a time when his D asked him to take her to a sports event (H hated the sport.)  Since BPDs are chameleons and have not identity, he was cheering, no doubt, in no time enjoying the game.  He always told me he hated the sport.

When his mother died, she was the enabler in his parents' marriage, H went out and had a rose tattooed on his arm that said, "Mother."  

H wearing these items (and the tattoo) are an example of transitional objects--like a teddy bear of special blanket carried around by a child. The clothes with team logos served as a visual reminder of the presence of his D.

H splits in his relationships with me.  As H splits his children white, I am by default split black.  His children, all of them adults, can do no wrong.  I am reviled, on the other hand, for the slightest perceived transgression.

H being at the conference means our communication via phone is all we have.  He normally texts and Skypes his daughters several times a day (even the one who is married and a mother of young children) and I am sure he is still doing it during his travels.  H sent me texts on the first days away, but today I received no messages at all, nor a response of my one text.

Just as with a young infant who cannot grasp object permanence, out of sight means out of mind.

To my H, away at a conference, I now cease to exist.  For his children, though, he has transitional objects.  A photo of the grandchildren on his cell phone, the sports logo clothing, and the daily Skypes with his Ds.  H did not suggest he and I Skype as he devalues me when dealing with his children.  One call from one of them, and he is filled with a dose of euphoria that lasts for hours.  This is until something I do angers him, or his insecurity and envy are provoked.

Anyone else with clear object relations issues with a partner, or transitional objects? 

[Red5]

Good morning AskingWhy,

Back when uBPDw and I were dating... .about six months in, it was Christmas Day diner at foo sis’s house... .it was our first Christmas together... .apparently she did not like what I’d given her for Christmas... .she was strangely cold and distant during the entire afternoon... .and she kept hovering near her mum... .

Later on, after the “recycle” she says to me... .“did you see the earrings I was wearing ?  ... .well my ex bought those for me, he knows how to treat a lady”... .

I was like... .what the heck was that?

This was my very first... .“our very first” dysregulation... .it was red flag  ... .and I missed it... .she was insulted and slighted at the lack of bling I’d given her for Christmas... .so she declared me black and split me verses her ex... .well he was actually the “ex before last”... .there was another supply right before me... .who was quickly discarded... .

I wonder if she still has those earrings ?

Last week... .She gave back to me every single ring and diamond I’ve ever given her, to include her engagement and wedding bands... .even her ruby... .but she kept all the necklaces and bracelets ?... .funny I guess... .as she kept her rings from her first marriage? So I’m different I guess   ... .she gave those to her Son when he got married the last year... .

She told me about all her ex’s... .I was compared to each and everyone of them over the years... .first her child bride  husband, exH#1, then she divorced... .then onto her first one night stand#1, then casual sex buddy #2, .then onto serious bf and fiancé  #3, .and then yahoo singles hook up and casual sex buddy #4... .then I came along... .

Yeah... .she rubbed it in real good!... .“Dija see them earrings Red!”... .“he was the best” she said... .

Red5  

[Notwendy]

Asking Why- part of my own personal growth was to focus more on myself and my own FOO issues than my H. Our of sight, out of mind can work both ways. What are you doing while your H is out of town? When I am alone at home, it's a chance for me to do some things for me. Binge watch Hallmark movies or go with a girlfriend to see a movie H isn't interested in, do some work projects. I do think I would get lonely if it were a long time but I enjoy having time to myself. How are you enjoying this time to yourself?

Many of us here do have difficult partners and I agree that your H has some traits that are difficult for you, but if you choose to stay with him, is it possible to filter out the traits that are causing direct harm to you and those that do not? As a general rule, our partners are not likely to change and so part of staying involves accepting the qualities that are not really affecting our happiness and addressing the ones that are.

There are many reasons to wear a sports team shirt besides the team. It may be comfortable. It may make a nice pajama top. Or he just likes it because his daughter gave it to him. It is odd to be overly involved with a child, but not odd to love a child and your H loves his kids. I don't think this is going to change. Is it possible to work on your part of this- the resentment, so you can be happier if you choose to stay in this relationship?

[AskingWhy]

There are many reasons to wear a sports team shirt besides the team. It may be comfortable. It may make a nice pajama top. Or he just likes it because his daughter gave it to him. It is odd to be overly involved with a child, but not odd to love a child and your H loves his kids. I don't think this is going to change. Is it possible to work on your part of this- the resentment, so you can be happier if you choose to stay in this relationship?

@Red, thank you for mentioning how BPDs attach deep meanings to certain objects.  It's hard to say if an object will be kept or, like us, discarded.  I know for certain my uBPD/uNPD H blows hot and cold, but he always buys me trinkets and always breaks the bank for his adult children.    I think in my case, I have reason to be insulted and hurt.  Your W giving back your gifts is her way of slapping you in the face to underscore her anger at you--typical all-or-nothing BPD.  Odd how she is keeping the necklaces and bracelets.  

@notwendy, my personal growth is based on my self-esteem and my no longer accepting the verbal and physical violence (broken objects), and my ability to no longer blame myself for my H's actions.  

I know well why my H is wearing those logo branded clothes, and for no other reason.  Why would a grown man wear a shirt from a team of a sport he despises?  Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar," but I know better.  H is more than loving of his children.  He is enmeshed.  BPDs come from families that are enmeshed, and create families that are enmeshed.  

I am happier now that I do things for myself and don't expect my H to do them for me.  Christmas is coming and I have a lot of gifts coming to myself!  

[Notwendy]

So, he's enmeshed with his children and wears sports shirts with team logos he hates because they like the team. He's a childish BPD with transition objects.

That said- how do you manage these things in your relationship? I think it is important to not tolerate abuse/violence of any kind and it is good you don't. I also think it is great that you are going to be sure your Christmas is a good one. But what about the shirt? And his enmeshment? That's not likely to change. If you stay in this relationship- is there a way to get to a point where this doesn't bother you, or is this a behavior of importance to you? Either way, it is your call, but wearing a shirt with a team logo isn't as large an issue as abuse/violence.

I guess the question is- what about your H's behavior is tolerable so you could be happier in the relationship. It seems the two of you are pretty contentious of each other at the moment. Is it possible to change this in any way?

[AskingWhy]

I guess the question is- what about your H's behavior is tolerable so you could be happier in the relationship. It seems the two of you are pretty contentious of each other at the moment. Is it possible to change this in any way?

notwendy, I think just as H projects his rage at his X W cheating on him, divorcing him and taking the children, he also projects his happiness in his children onto me.

I can tell when he's thinking about his children (and grandchildren) because a dreamy, smitten look will come over his face.  I try to make sure he stays in that endorphin-filled state whenever possible.

The worst part of the BPD is the lack of memory.  H, due to splitting, does not have a sense of chronology about much.  He forgets who gave him gifts over time, even those given by his children.  I also observe this in my uNPD FIL.  FIL really thinks he's 35 years old an not an old man in his mid 80s. 

My disengagement is already showing results. When H dysregulates and rages, threatens divorce and breaks things, I remove myself.  H almost immediately calms down.  With no audience, there is no drama.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are able to find some calm in the drama. Disengagement from raging does help.

I think dysregulation disrupts memory as well.