Deep concern about grandchild

[greenL37]

My 37 year old daughter has BPD, but refuses to accept the diagnosis.  She has a precious, six year old daughter who is daily affected by her mother's destructive and neglectful behavior.  My daughter just separated from her boyfriend of almost four years (lived together), because of her constant anger, rage toward him and her irresponsibility in most areas of her life.  She moved in with me two weeks ago, and I am exhausted from her moods. She spends all of her child support money on junk within a few days, and then has no money until the next check.  I cannot remember her having a "happy" day since early childhood. So difficult to be around a person who is horribly negative all of the time, and I worry so much about the long term effects on my granddaughter.  Already, I see signs of granddaughter's anxiety- at such a tender age.  My heart breaks for both of them. I feel almost hopeless, because my daughter has every single one of the problems listed for this illness. How do you help someone who does not see her need for help?  And how can I help my granddaughter?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi green and welcome to the site.  

I am so sorry for the heartbreak that brings you here but I am glad you found us.  We have a very supportive group of parents here who understand and have already or are currently dealing with learning coping strategies along with communication tools that can sometimes go a long way in reducing conflict.  Regardless, they will help you help yourself and your g-daughter.

The best thing you can do for your g-daughter is to be a source of unconditional love who listens to her, helps her understand and express her feelings in healthy ways and who validates those feelings and her reality.  Studies have shown that having just one person do that can make a huge difference for the child, even if that person is not a frequent presence in their life.  I am the adult daughter of a mentally ill mother and I can tell you that the people who saw me for me and showed me love, gave me validation and established boundaries with me were what saved me.  

I hope you dig in and read and feel free to jump in and start posting in threads.  It is important that you establish a support network and we can be that for you, or at least part of one.

You ask how to help someone who does not want to be helped and it is very difficult.  We have an article here that explains why.  We have lots of other articles but I don't want to bombard you with links... .not yet anyway.  

Again, I am glad you found us and I hope you stick around.  It is very difficult, but especially in the beginning of getting used to a new living situation like you are.  We can help.  

[Only Human]

Hello greenL7 

I join Harri in welcoming you to the family. I can relate to your concerns for your granddaughter as my 25 year-old daughter (DD25) and her 3 year-old son, my grandson (GS3) have been living with me since 4/2018. I echo what Harri says,

be a source of unconditional love who listens to her, helps her understand and express her feelings in healthy ways and who validates those feelings and her reality. 

I've been doing this with my GS and it's been really good for him. The bonus is that I'm modeling appropriate behaviors for my DD and, even though she sees me as her enemy these days, I see her watching me and even trying her hand at validating him.

I'll add that it's important for you to take time for self-care. You say she moved in two weeks ago and you're exhausted - I bet! It's a big change having someone, anyone, move in... .add BPD to the mix and you've got a recipe for getting caught up and losing yourself.

There are some grandparents here who can relate to your situation. Please keep posting, sharing, reading, and learning. I've been here a relatively short time myself but have learned so much and things are improving in my home daily.

I'm glad you found us 

~ OH

[greenL37]

Thank you both so much for your kind responses to my post about my granddaughter and daughter (who has BPD). I am reading a lot on this site, and it is very helpful to know others share these feelings and feel so helpless at times. The struggle for me at this time is trying not to react when my daughter does such destructive things and knows no boundaries.  Last night, she woke me four times in the night, going in and out of the apartment, without regard for my need to sleep, so I can go to work the next day.  Also, when I woke to get ready for work, she told me she got money from my purse- went to Walmart (only store open in middle of night) and spent all the money, and now has no gas left in her car. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to not "react" to things like this.  How does one do it?  It feels so difficult to grasp how to be kind and not respond in a negative way, when someone is clearly abusing you.  I will keep trying, but so far, I'm not doing so well.  I am reactive, which I can tell from reading on this site is counterproductive.

[Harri]

Hi.  Sorry I took so long to get back to you.  I was down and out for a bit there. 

I think if you keep reading other posts here and reading some of the articles on tools it will help you.  Changing things takes time though.

About your purse, I would keep it with you in your bedroom when you are sleeping.  For some things you can set boundaries and this is one of those areas.  Boundaries work best when you change your behavior so keeping your purse where she can't get to it is the solution here.  It would be great if she would just not do that but that does not seem to be4 in the cards at this point. 

You asked how do people respond rather than react?  Radical acceptance can go a long way in helping with that.  Are you familiar with the concept?

[zachira]

I grew up with a mother with BPD and NPD, and throughout my life have been constantly subject to her toxic meltdowns and unpredictable destructive behaviors. Many people: relatives, neighbors, friends, and strangers made a big difference in my life. Sometimes five minutes of kind, caring attention made a big difference, and gave me the courage to go on, and I still remember these small acts of kindness today. I suggest you learn everything you can about providing your granddaughter with the most supportive environment possible under the circumstances. "Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children" is a great read. Is there any way you can get your granddaughter into therapy? Children as young as 6 years old can benefit a great deal from personal therapy, and the younger the child, the faster the child responds and heals from past and ongoing trauma. We are here to listen and help in any way we can. Keep us posted, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.