Daughter's meltdown

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'll spare you all the play-by-play and try to sum up this morning's meltdown. I'm working from home today.

DD spent most of the morning on the telephone, GS spent most of the morning trying to get her attention. This resulted in many "take five" incidents, GS calling DD a __ing __tch, DD taking GS's tablet away for the day, and finally DD crying and yelling. I walked in and asked, "How can I help?" This opened the floodgates and I heard these things, spoken in various ways, over and over again:

You can't help, nothing works.
He doesn't respect me.
He doesn't listen to me.
It doesn't make me a bad mother to not want to do things with him when he's rude to me and hits me.
Everything got worse when you called CPS.
I need several hours a day away from him. If I only had to deal with him for a few hours a day it'd be better.
He only listens to me when I scream at him.
I can't spank him anymore because of CPS.
Sometimes I just want you to take him, raise him.
I don't trust that you won't take him away from me.
I need to stop being a single parent.
You can't help because you have to go to work, I get that.
I just want one day away but last time I had that, you called CPS.
I need one whole day a week away from him.
CPS SAID they would help but all they gave me was phone numbers and those phone numbers resulted in more phone numbers and no help.
After CPS you left the happy face sign on your door constantly, giving him access to you whenever he wanted, now we have to start over.

I sent GS to his room while this was going on but he heard it all. I was calm, she was yelling and crying, GS asked me to "help mommy feel better."

I told her, "This is what I hear you telling me. You're overwhelmed, you can't do this alone, you don't trust me, you need more time away from him. I want to support you with that."

She responded, crying, "Yes, that's what I've been telling you for over a year. Why do I have to have a breakdown for anyone to listen to me?" (and on and on and on... .)

I finally interrupted her and said, "We can't change the past, I'm listening now and I want to support you. You say you have to start over with discipline let's start there."

This led to more help-rejecting... ."It's no use, I'll just live like this for the rest of my life, nobody can help me, etc."

At some point, she mentioned that she has to go into an interview today (she didn't go yesterday because GS was "bad all day.") I asked if she'd like to leave GS here while she does that and she eagerly accepted.

I told her I was off tomorrow and would like to give her a day to herself. She eagerly took me up on my offer. I asked, "What does that look like?" She said she doesn't know, she doesn't have any friends where she can go and (again) the last time she had time away, I called CPS.

I said, "It sounds like you'd like all day day-care for him."

Then she said she was uncomfortable talking to me about this so I said, "Ok, I love you" and went back to work.

That was a good 40 minutes ago and I just heard her interacting w/GS and things are much calmer.

I don't know where I go from here 

~ OH

[Only Human]

I'll spare you all the play-by-play and try to sum up this morning's meltdown. I'm working from home today.

DD spent most of the morning on the telephone, GS spent most of the morning trying to get her attention. This resulted in many "take five" incidents, GS calling DD a __ing __tch, DD taking GS's tablet away for the day, and finally DD crying and yelling. I walked in and asked, "How can I help?" This opened the floodgates and I heard these things, spoken in various ways, over and over again:

You can't help, nothing works.
He doesn't respect me.
He doesn't listen to me.
It doesn't make me a bad mother to not want to do things with him when he's rude to me and hits me.
Everything got worse when you called CPS.
I need several hours a day away from him. If I only had to deal with him for a few hours a day it'd be better.
He only listens to me when I scream at him.
I can't spank him anymore because of CPS.
Sometimes I just want you to take him, raise him.
I don't trust that you won't take him away from me.
I need to stop being a single parent.
You can't help because you have to go to work, I get that.
I just want one day away but last time I had that, you called CPS.
I need one whole day a week away from him.
CPS SAID they would help but all they gave me was phone numbers and those phone numbers resulted in more phone numbers and no help.
After CPS you left the happy face sign on your door constantly, giving him access to you whenever he wanted, now we have to start over.

I sent GS to his room while this was going on but he heard it all. I was calm, she was yelling and crying, GS asked me to "help mommy feel better."

I told her, "This is what I hear you telling me. You're overwhelmed, you can't do this alone, you don't trust me, you need more time away from him. I want to support you with that."

She responded, crying, "Yes, that's what I've been telling you for over a year. Why do I have to have a breakdown for anyone to listen to me?" (and on and on and on... .)

I finally interrupted her and said, "We can't change the past, I'm listening now and I want to support you. You say you have to start over with discipline let's start there."

This led to more help-rejecting... ."It's no use, I'll just live like this for the rest of my life, nobody can help me, etc."

At some point, she mentioned that she has to go into an interview today (she didn't go yesterday because GS was "bad all day.") I asked if she'd like to leave GS here while she does that and she eagerly accepted.

I told her I was off tomorrow and would like to give her a day to herself. She eagerly took me up on my offer. I asked, "What does that look like?" She said she doesn't know, she doesn't have any friends where she can go and (again) the last time she had time away, I called CPS.

I said, "It sounds like you'd like all day day-care for him."

Then she said she was uncomfortable talking to me about this so I said, "Ok, I love you" and went back to work.

That was a good 40 minutes ago and I just heard her interacting w/GS and things are much calmer.

I don't know where I go from here 

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

I don't know where I go from here 

OH, its hard to find room for improvement or more you could do in that entire exchange. probably, by remaining calm and supportive, you accomplished more than you realize, or is yet clear.

your daughter is having a tough day. she needed to be heard, and you heard her, and supported her. that wont stop a meltdown obviously, but it goes a very long way. she may well bounce back later today, tomorrow, in a couple of days.

I told her I was off tomorrow and would like to give her a day to herself. She eagerly took me up on my offer.

this is great. it can give her that emotional space to decompress and bounce back. all parents need this, and its great that youre on her team, and she can depend on you when she needs to.

I asked, "What does that look like?" She said she doesn't know, she doesn't have any friends where she can go and (again) the last time she had time away, I called CPS.

I said, "It sounds like you'd like all day day-care for him."

nice move btw, not arguing about CPS. shes blowing off steam. rather than fighting about it, youre building good will and trust.

Then she said she was uncomfortable talking to me about this so I said, "Ok, I love you" and went back to work.

thats okay, and its better that she communicates this clearly... .you planted a seed.

That was a good 40 minutes ago and I just heard her interacting w/GS and things are much calmer.

thats good to hear.

if youre wanting to do something, just build on the support you showed earlier. maybe just a nice gesture, like some food.

[Only Human]

I like the idea of building on the support. After posting I went out and she was at he laptop, sending her resume to me so I could print it. GS is napping.

I said, "Hi."

Her: Hi
Me: Can I give you some loves?
Her: Yeah, hold on (she was clicking on the computer, I began rubbing her back - she stopped clicking and reached behind her for a backwards hug-type-thing) I'm trying to send my resume to you but I can't remember which one is the latest. I name them things like, "new," "newest," and I should just start dating them.
Me: I do the same thing, haha, How are you feeling?
Her: I'm okay. I'm stressed. I'm waiting for someone to call me before I can go on "live" and he's taking a long time. It's the only time I get to myself, when I'm on "live."

Then her phone rang and she walked into the garage.

I have bought her a pair of fuzzy socks for her Christmas stocking. I think I'll put them in the living room with a note, "You mentioned the other day you couldn't find any of your fuzzy socks. I know you bought some for yourself but here's another pair. I love you."

~ OH

[once removed]

I have bought her a pair of fuzzy socks for her Christmas stocking. I think I'll put them in the living room with a note, "You mentioned the other day you couldn't find any of your fuzzy socks. I know you bought some for yourself but here's another pair. I love you."

bingo!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

OH, you are an inspiration. Your relationship and method of interacting with your daughter is so dramatically different from just a couple of months ago. you're amazing. That's all!

[Harri]

Hi OH.  Can I join the others in saying I think you did a great job handling this by staying calm and validating without getting caught up in drama and without going down any rabbit holes?

It is good to read and hear and it helps me be clear on how using the tools we talk about here can do wonders a lot of the time.

[Feeling Better]

Hi OH,

I just want to join the others in saying what a great job you are doing with your DD and your GS, I hope that you are feeling very proud of yourself x