Staying Upbeat

[Sonoma]

I find myself fighting immense sadness about my daughter's struggles and over my relationship with her. We just got the diagnosis of BPD and it explains so much of her history. She is 18 now, and it is so hard to get through to her (but a critical time before she leaves home). She refuses to talk to both me and her father about much, but she freely spews so much anger at us. We get all the negative and rarely get to enjoy the positive aspects of her life. She thinks all the problems are with us. She has little self-awareness but is eloquent when she talks to others about all the terrible things that others due to her (mainly her family). It is heartbreaking to know that she really believes all her problems are because of me and her dad. It is also heartbreaking to see her with few "real" friends. I am the one who gets most of her anger. It's hard to stay upbeat when I am (secretly) abused in my own home by my own daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Sonoma  

Welcome to the family. It is heart breaking when loved ones place the blame, as you'll see there are many parents here in similar situations to you, you are not alone.    Sharing our feelings as you are, writing our stories, connecting with parents, by joining their threads and supporting each other we learn together, we are family.

Here we work towards supporting our children to help themselves and it starts with us changing how we communicate, engage, improve the relationship ~ through the lessons and tools available here, we learn the skills. How has your DD received the diagnosis, is there a treatment plan, is she at school/working?

You're fighting your feelings of sadness, I'd like to share this with you, it's one of the first resources I found when I landed here that helped me 1.06 ! Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill). Have a read and let us know what you think and feel about Radical Acceptance, do you think it'll help you?

We're right here with you Sonoma.

WDx

[medianeh]

I am the one who gets most of her anger. It's hard to stay upbeat when I am (secretly) abused in my own home by my own daughter.

My dd is 26, and we have been dealing with this diagnoses since she was about 19.

I've been emotionally abused by my daughter for the past 7 years.  Recently (after the loss of my own mother on 10/3/18) I have decided that enough is enough.  I refuse to be abused anymore, and I refuse to enable, be co-dependent, and be treated like I am a horrible mother.  I've done all I can to help my daughter.  It's come to a point where I can't do anymore for her except love her.  I care and love her so much, but until she gets the help she needs, I can't help her.  She has to want help in order to get help. 

I, like you, have taken the brunt of my daughter's abuse.  Her & I were super close, but that's what BPD's do, blame the one they love the most.

I've recently started seeing a counselor for ME.  I needed validation from a professional that I am doing the right things, saying the right things, and reacting properly.  It has helped me tremendously.

It's not an easy road, not one bit.  But once you find that you have all us here who are in similar situations, it helps to know that you're not alone.

~ medianeh

[Sonoma]

Thank you so much for your supportive words.

[Only Human]

Hello Sonoma 

I join wendydarling and medianeh in welcoming you to BPD Family. I hope you will find this community as helpful as I have in learning new ways to communicate with my 25-year-old BPD daughter (DD25).

You're right, it's so hard to get through to a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) and I'm pleased to hear you looking for ways to reach your daughter while she is still at home. The tricky part, as you've experienced with your DD, is that a pwBPD often blames others for their troubles and has difficulty seeing that their perception is skewed. On top of that, many of the ways we try to make them "see" actually run the risk of reinforcing their perception, making it harder for them to "see." What a mess! =)

I'm glad wendydarling posted the link about Radical Acceptance as it's something I'm working on at this time for myself.

I'm really sorry for what has brought you here but I'm really glad you are here. Reading about others' struggles helps me and other parents here to know we are not alone, it's very comforting. I hope you will feel at home here; we understand, we get it, and we are learning with you. They say it takes a village to raise a child and right now, this is my village 

Again, welcome.

~ OH

[once removed]

hi Sonoma, id like to join the others and say

how is your daughter reacting to the diagnosis? its usually a really momentous development in a persons life... .some take it in stride, some are devastated, some deny it altogether.

can you tell us more about some of the primary sources of conflict between you and your daughter, especially recently?