Why do they push us away?

[FaithHopeLove]

My DS24 ( lives on his own) BPDdx  is currently close to his  pushing me away. It's OK. I am fine with giving him space. I am just curious about why people who fear abandonment do this. What is behind the whole "never leave me. I hate you." thing?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDevoted]

I’ve just asked the same thing on one of my posts.
My DD16 is in a psych hospital at the moment and doesn’t want us to visit. She has been pushing me away for over a year prior as well.
I understand it’s really hard for them but it’s just so incredibly hard on us wanting to love, protect and guide these beautiful people when there is so much hatred directed at us.
I hope someone can give us an answer.
FD 

[Feeling Better]

Hello FaithHopeLove and ForeverDevoted,

I agree, it is confusing behaviour and difficult to understand, maybe reading through this link might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

FB x

[once removed]

its important to understand that the fear of abandonment is lifelong.

we all have some longstanding fears (and we all fear abandonment, but people with BPD generally have it to extreme or pathological levels).

longstanding fears can rule your life if you let them. its like the fear of flying. youll go out of your way to avoid doing it. if it means, for example, that youll never see your family, so be it; the fear is that great.

so someone with a longstanding fear of abandonment will employ all sorts of dysfunctional coping mechanisms around avoiding feelings of, or the reality of being abandoned. they will be hypervigilant, on guard, for signs of it, and react (fight or flight) accordingly.

whats going on? how is your son pushing you away?

[Only Human]

My DD25 has actually told me that when she feels like someone is getting ready to abandon her, she'll push them away first.

A few months ago she told me, as we were on our way to our (until then, unknown to me) final family therapy session, "I know I've been rude to you, I know you're getting ready to kick me out, I just want it to be for a good reason." I'm totally paraphrasing, I can't remember her exact words.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

its important to understand that the fear of abandonment is lifelong.

we all have some longstanding fears (and we all fear abandonment, but people with BPD generally have it to extreme or pathological levels).

longstanding fears can rule your life if you let them. its like the fear of flying. youll go out of your way to avoid doing it. if it means, for example, that youll never see your family, so be it; the fear is that great.

so someone with a longstanding fear of abandonment will employ all sorts of dysfunctional coping mechanisms around avoiding feelings of, or the reality of being abandoned. they will be hypervigilant, on guard, for signs of it, and react (fight or flight) accordingly.

whats going on? how is your son pushing you away?

About a year ago his father and I threw him out of the house because he was selling weed ( illegal in our state) out of our basement. It had to happen but in retrospect could have been handled better. This was before his diagnosis and before I gave much thought to him having abandonment issues. Since then we have shared many loving moments but the "mom threw me out" narrative is always under the surface. Do you think there is anything I can do at this point to reassure him I will not abandon him even if I don't always do what he wants the way he wants and/or encourage him to take some ownership over the situation or just let it go?

[jones54]

My DD33 when she was in grade school even had difficulties getting close to her mother. She would push her away at times and not want her to even visit the grade school. Today she has pushed both of us away. Wants nothing to do with us and mostly blames me for abandoning her throughout her life. Even for things like sending her to rehab to try to help her in anyway we could (and she even remembers how difficult it was for me to have her go away). I agree that the pain and fear of getting too close is real to them. They will take the safest route so as to not upset their feelings even though it could be better. I also feel they know this staying away feels better and it becomes the "familiar norm" to them.  I think the only way to get better is for them to see this and be willing to get therapy. Difficult when it is safer for them to keep the status quo even though it is so dysfunctional. My DD has self medicated herself with drugs for years to escape how she feels. Very sad for people with BPD but again I have decided and been told that things will only get better when the admit they want and will go to therapy.

[once removed]

things will only get better when the admit they want and will go to therapy.

experts will tell you that the most reliable indicator of recovery from BPD is a strong, consistent support system, that is loving in both benign and firm ways.

Family support plays extremely critical role in the recovery from any mental health is condition. Studies have shown that the single most important predictor of recovery for a patient in treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, is trusted and supportive family member. Short of having an emotional crisis, it is generally a family's careful and delicate coaching over time that will bring someone into treatment. And most individuals that have recovered from borderline personality disorder will cite a family member who was their "rock" and who stood by them as they went through treatment.

At bpdfamily.com we have tools to guide family members in assuming this caretaker role; little is intuitive and family members are warned not to jump in before they understand what they are doing. Interventions, for example, are not a good idea.

our sons and daughters generally do not have the skills to intuit their problems and know the solutions... .they struggle with self direction and navigating life, stress, change.

It had to happen but in retrospect could have been handled better. This was before his diagnosis and before I gave much thought to him having abandonment issues. Since then we have shared many loving moments but the "mom threw me out" narrative is always under the surface. Do you think there is anything I can do at this point to reassure him I will not abandon him even if I don't always do what he wants the way he wants and/or encourage him to take some ownership over the situation or just let it go?

how did it happen, how could it have been handled better?

the past is the past, but its critical to understand going forward.

there is probably not a way to reassure him or erase his fears/doubts, but there are ways to build trust over time. often, it starts with listening.

[jones54]

I am in agreement that a strong consistent support system is important. But it is very difficult for many of us who have tried everything to be there for our BPD children but will get pushed away. Also, for those of us who have kids with addiction issues it makes it twice as hard. We are told by therapists (and alanon) that you have to let them be so they will eventually "hit rock bottom" in hopes they will turn to sobriety. There is nothing more difficult than wanting desperately for your child to get better and willing to do ANYTHING to help and be only pushed away. You feel you are stuck between a rock and a hard place because you want them to learn to take care of themselves and are told by therapists they need to "figure this out" and continue to watch them fail. We have been there and enabled our DD33 for years and all it did was perpetuate her addiction. Yes, having a stable support system is of utmost importance but very hard to do when they do not allow us to be there. Every therapist I have talked with has said until they want things better (therapy, hopefully with DBT ) there is nothing you can do.  Sorry if I sounded like I am venting but that is what this disease does to you.