Is a new love the only way to truly move on?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am having an emotional setback recently. I am still missing her, and I just don't know why. It's been a little over a year, but I have found myself longing for her of late. I wonder if I will feel like this until I meet somebody new.

[crushedagain]

I am having an emotional setback recently. I am still missing her, and I just don't know why. It's been a little over a year, but I have found myself longing for her of late. I wonder if I will feel like this until I meet somebody new.

[once removed]

it might sound trite, or overly simplistic, but letting go is the only way to truly move on.

we can carry our pain and baggage into the next relationship. many of us do.

so getting drunk, getting in a new relationship, lots of other things might make you feel better for a time, but to really detach takes work.

crushedagain, sometimes wounds from these relationships can really linger. i had a 3 month relationship in high school, and the breakup stuck with me for years.

it might take some going back and reexamining things in a new light, and unwinding those wounds.

in looking at your story, it sounds like you were together for two years, and in a lot of pain when it ended. how did it end? who broke up with whom? why?

[MeandThee29]

I don't think that new love is the only way to move on.

Some of us are choosing to remain single and are healing and doing reasonably well. Mine was a marriage of decades, and I know that it will take potentially years to really feel whole again. I know that I'm better than a year ago. Instead of every day being bad, I only have 1-2 days a month when I get triggered and really struggle. But I bounce back where I used to go into a funk that was tough to get out of.

I have family members living with me (he lives many states away) and lots of friends. That's really all I need at this stage of life. There are aspects of life I'm not super happy about (work), but I don't let that drag me down and am working on changing that.

[Tosquinha]

I don't think so.  I had heard this too... .and acted accordingly, and not only did it not help, it hindered.  Time, therapy, time, maybe more time... .helps. 

[Hopefulgirl]

I think that meeting someone new and dating will only help you move on if you are in a good headspace and you no longer have a deep longing for them.
If you were discarded by someone with BPD you might always be looking for "the other shoe to drop" with the new person.  Even if they seem to have stable relationships with their friends and family.  Even if they seem like a wonderful kind person who thinks you are a catch.

In my experience i dated someone i had been set up with basically. By the fifth date I told them that I was too depressed to date. It was half of the truth.  The other half was that this person was attractive, kind, thoughtful, seemingly stable guy, his family and friends and coworker thought the world of him, interesting, super smart, humble, funny, and it was like a safety valve had been put in my head "PROCEED WITH ". So that was that. I missed my ex so terribly and it made me so anguished i would never feel that was again .  No, it doesn't make sense. And i essentially sabatoged a relationship with a great person.

[Cromwell]

In the case of moving on from the average non traumatic r/s, ive found it was the best thing to do.

In terms of this, I was like hopefulgirl, too depressed, anxious and still from time to time had dark days that would alternate with feeling ok, and i dated regardless, enough to realise that it wasnt fair on anyones time.

but ive started dating now that I got a grasp of those things and it has - after a year single - made a big difference to my mood and also seems to be sealing complete closure. I guess part of it is ive found someone I feel safe with and doesnt trigger, id say that getting a clear head and then finding someone who doesnt put much pressure on whilst you are in a transition of getting better combined with finding new romance.

in the meantime, theres nothing to stop making new friends, it helped me to then when I felt ready to date I had already built up trust and knew her for months already. So yes it can work very well, but it depends very much on first getting to a clear enough mind in relation to whatever needs to get overcome from the previous one.

[Coastered]

Crushed,  getting in a new relationship will not help.  Believe me I am the proof.  I would talk about her and not even realise but believe me the dates picked up on it.  I looked for people who were intelligent like her, I looked for the good points she had in others, essentially it was not fair on the dates and it was not fair on me.

I know how painful it can be but you do need to take time out for yourself.  Even if it seems like they have moved on.  Remember they have BPD which means they can move on quite easily.  You are the survivor, you need to heal.

[Red5]

... ."Is a new love the only way to truly move on?"

Hello Crushedagain,

No, I don't think so.

What is it called... ."rebounding", no... .not a good idea.

I foolishly went right back to dating after my first divorce (married 21 years)... .it was a mistake, I was far too damaged, although this new flame, (she was a redhead)... .she taught me a whole lot... .but I was in no way in any real shape to handle a new ‘love’ (bomb) relationship, although it surely did feel good to be with a woman again, after having been discarded, and completely devalued, and on a ‘drought’ for over a year... .this new 'love', or so I thought, brought my self-esteem back, as I was quite crushed after the divorce.

She, this redheaded real-estate agent whom I had hooked up with, a mere few months after the divorce was finalized... .was also recently divorced, we were both forty'ish... .and I was her 'dash-2' post divorced for her, she was "vivacious"... .funny, and a bit 'crazy?'  ... .never a dull moment... .but she grew very ‘aggravated’ with me after about nine months... .and moved on.

It was a wild ride, and the relationship did take my mind away from the grieving trough… ha ha, for ‘dates’ sometimes she would actually take me along to her ‘T’ appointments, and as well Al-Anon meetings… yes she did ... .she was a hot ‘mess’, but loads of fun… she told me, “my ex is a narcissist”… and poor Red5, fresh off the turnip truck, had no idea what that even meant … oh’ my, I was ‘picked off’ like a baby “powder” lama beside the watering hole (think national geographic croc videos)…

I remember shopping in the commissary, and in the meats department, there was a poster, of a cow, and all the select cuts, like one of those cut out patterns… and it ‘hit me’… hey, I’m about to be eaten alive…

My gut said... .run Red… RUN!

So I did, and right into the arms of No.2 !

See... .hadn't learnt anything... .still looking for my ‘soul mate’… best buddie, a female companion, a new best friend : )

Yup, so then I met her   , my future wife No.2… my next love partner ( on yahoo personals  ), who I would date for about four (4) years, and then we were married, she had also been previously married for twenty years, .ah' "sweet trauma bonding"... .and I missed all the red flags ... .a "Jedi Knight" I was certainly not,

... .but the previous gf had enlightened and as well explained a few things to me, .which I summarily dismissed at the time, .but 'recalled' again as this new marriage began to 'go south'... .as in behavior disorders(?), and so I began to understand about degrees of the previous explanations in regards to supposed / suspected disorders thereof.

hmmm, starting to learn now?

I told my "T" just yesterday, that when and 'if' this marriage ends in divorce, as we are now separated... .(long story, we've been together for eleven years, and married almost eight)... .that I should take myself out of commission for a least a year, and a day... .maybe even longer(?)... .and get my "head gear" flushed out real good, figure out "why"... .and move on from there... .what did the “Victorians” say about grieving… you must do it for a year and a day…

No, running right back down to the “used car lot” looking for a low mileage red corvette to have some fun with (?)… no, not a good idea !

We need to understand why, and how we became involved with the previous troublesome, disordered, and most painful relationship… we certainly don’t want to repeat,

We have to understand what drew us in, what is our attraction, why didn’t we see the “flags”    …

We need to reflect on what we’ve learned, and then build on this hard learnt knowledge we have now, and “experience”…

Would it be wonderful to find a new love interest, a “great gal”… who we have many things in common with, who enjoys our company, loves our old dog, likes our cooking, and wants to get to know our adult children… wants to cuddle and snuggle while we watch old black and white movies on the leather couch together… oh' yes it would (?)... .but only after we are completely, and permanently detached from our ex's... .this is going to be a journey in itself, this detaching : (

So see, .got to be very careful… its seems to be a bit too easy to fall for it “all over again”…

Best to take ourselves out of circulation for a while, and wait till we have a “clear title” again… it is best to ensure that the previous relationship or marriage is indeed finished, and then learn from it… and after all of that, and only then… perhaps go looking once again for another love interest… but understanding that we, well some of us anyways... .are now “high mileage”, and quite 'used' in many senses… peace of mind is very important, well peace period, considering what we’ve been through, and how it has affected us emotionally, spiritually, and even physically.

Hope all this helps, Crushed!

Red5

[In a bad way]

To the original question.
There is no yes or no answer, it depends on the individual. There are times when I think that is what I need and others where I just couldn't be bothered.
Having someone new to focus on instead of ruminating over the ex could work, each to their own and it depends on the time scale.
When is the right time?

[crushedagain]

Thank you for all the responses, especially to Red5. I laughed a lot reading your post. When it comes to women and dating, I sometimes feel like a newborn gazelle walking by a pride of hungry lions, like I just don't have a chance.

When I fall in love, I am in love and I will never stray. I am fiercely loyal and this is the first time I was discarded and hurt like this. That's not to say that I have not experienced loss and grief before - quite the contrary - but the feelings this left me with are unique.

Having been over a year since the breakup, I was just wondering if maybe I am still having those lingering thoughts and pain because I have not dated or met a new woman. Alas, I think I need maybe a bit more time. The loneliness since the loss is one of the hardest aspects - when you had a companion daily for years, then nothing.

[JNChell]

Hey there, crushedagain. I’m sorry that you’re having these feelings. You’re missing her. What are the thoughts that come and go that cause you to miss her?



 I think you’ve gotten some solid feedback within your thread. Detaching from these situations is extremely difficult. I guess I’m telling you what you already know. What I would like to bring to your doorstep is proof in the form of simple statistics. I’m not going to provide you a link with a graph or anything like that. I’m going to suggest that you start reading back pages on this board. Go as far back as you desire. This is friendly advice that I hope you’ll take.

Jumping into/forcing a relationship will set you back. I’m going to be pragmatic in saying that peeps like you and I ended up in those relationships because that’s what we currently attract.

You’re showing a desire to be with another again. I get that. I’m struggling with it lately. How do you feel about being alone for a while? With yourself and your thoughts? Your routines and habitS?

[CryWolf]

We all process emotions and grief different. However, jumping into a new relationship after is the worst possible thing to do as the emotions will surface again later and much stronger.