Co-parenting With A Magical Thinker, And ASD Son

[Turkish]

My ex was raised in the RCC (Roman Catholic Church). When I met her,  she was all over the place,  even participating in tarot readings. I'm a Christian of the evangelical stripe. I unequally yoked myself,  I know. 

When we were breaking apart,  she found Mr. Super Christian, though having been attracted to Buddhism though her Vietnamese hairdresser. At the time I thought,  "if it helps soothe and center her,  great." That was over five years ago.  She's still married,  though physically seperated from her husband for a year. She booted him and there was also DV. I've been watching but not asking questions.  He's kind of come back into their lives. 

A few weeks ago,  she was gushing to me about a book,  Many Lives,  Many Masters.  She indicated to me that she thinks she's reincarnated (IMNSHO, nice way of deflecting the poor choices you've made in this life). I didn't comment on it. 

She told me she's started teaching the kids mediation. Again, I didn't judge this. 

A month ago, D6 was coughing.  She told her,  "just think and power though it and you won't get sick. Like I never get sick."

Thanksgiving at 3AM, I took S8 to the ER. Croup virus. He was having trouble breathing.  He ended up ok.  D6 had a fever that afternoon.  Their mom didn't make dinner at my ex-laws. Neither she nor our daughter had the croup but they were down.  Fevers, head congestion. Her H was with her taking care of her.  So much for what she told our daughter.

I took S8 to an orthodontist this morning.  His dentist warned us about this over a year ago.  He needs spacers, an upper jaw spreader, then braces.  A three year ordeal.  He has a cross bite and adult teeth don't have room to come in.  "We can spread his jaw now since he is young.  When he gets older,  we'd have to pull adult teeth and that's not good." Ok.  Almost $1800 for Phase 1, the spreader. I put it on my credit card rather than finance it, saving almost $200.

My ex said,  "should we get a second opinion? My mom took me to a dentist when I was a kid and they told her stuff and she said,  'my daughter will heal herself' and look at my teeth, they turned out ok."

Then she said,  "maybe I can meditate on it and his teeth will be fixed."

I replied, "like you mediated on not getting sick yet you got very sick two weeks ago?"

"That was because I didn't meditate hard enough and I also didn't get as sick as some people did."

I said, "or it was a virus.  Frankly, I'm surprised I didn't get sick from all of you,  and I never mediatated nor thought about it."

She didn't say anything. 

Just before she got there,  I told the Dental Hygenist that I didn't put it on the form,  but that S8 had ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's.  I told her that he had no special accommodations a at school,  but that I was telling her in case they needed to note that.  She nodded ok. 

Then mom showed up and our son started acting out like an ASD kid. Sounds, saying weird things.  My ex told the DH who told us her 4 year old had ADHD and that he was getting evaluated for autism when he turned  so she understood.

S was ok until his mom showed up. She noticed it and, to her credit,  asked him,  "am I making you nervous?" S: "no mommy,  dee-dee-dee-dee-deet ti."

He does this funny stuff. I tell him, "it's ok to do this with me and you and sister, but others might not understand and find it weird." He can control it when I remind him.  It's standard ABA, not shaming.

Their mom's magical thinking I don't know what to do with. 

[worriedStepmom]

Wouldn't it be nice to live in their world for a little while and be convinced that you can fix anything just by thinking about it long enough?  Sigh.

I think all you can do is make sure you are in charge of the doctor and dental appointments.  You can make sure they are getting the necessary care while they are with you.

[Turkish]

The kids are on my insurance. She actually takes them to Kaiser more than I do for things often not needed. 

Last night I got a text asking if I had signed S8's permission slip.  I was unaware of a trip.  She found it in his backpack and then told me that our son was subconsciously picking up bad habits due to my lack of organization at home "piles of papers". I didn't feel the need to answer or go below the belt, "maybe you should worry more why your son starts acting autistic when you are around."

I'm actually on the kids constantly for dropping things around.  School papers, laundry... .they're kids.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hey Turkish,

So this magical thinking is more widespread than I imagined... .

My BPDw would erupt in anger when I would say anything that might possibly indicate a negative feeling toward one of her positive ideas, e.g... .

Wife: “why don’t we take our 3 small children to the museum in the big city a couple hours away tomorrow?”

My response: “I’m down with going there but how will we make it work so the kids don’t get cranky? Driving a couple hours with the kids to go to the museum and then driving back... .seems like it might be stressful. Maybe we can plan to include a park or something so they can play a bit.”

Wife: “If you *^#ing think negatively then it’s going to happen... .they won’t be cranky if you believe just in it! You always ruin these things thinking negatively!”

I was always amazed that she truly thought that magical good vibrations will keep the kids happy but her screaming stressed out self has no effect.

Good luck!
LAT

[takingandsending]

Hey Turkish.
You and I have chatted about this before ... .the power of magical thinking. I think pwBPD are attracted to these things beause it makes them feel good in the moment. And when those beliefs are challenged, you’re denying their right to feel good. Discomfort is not something pwBPD can manage on their own without “unburdening” on to someone for long.

Take care of your kids when they are sick and ignore the noise, no matter how illogical or bat guano crazy it is.