How do you cope with letting go?

[Feeling Better]

Stepping away can be really hard especially when we are desperately looking for a healthy resolution, it can feel completely alien to us, we are used to being there for our kids, not walking away from them.
How do you cope with stepping away, most likely it’s not going to be something that you want or ever imagined you would be doing.
How do you feel after you have stepped away? You are probably filled with self doubt, asking yourself if you did or said the wrong things, you may be blaming yourself and you may find yourself wishing that things were different. All of this can lead to your own personal suffering. You can choose to either hang onto this suffering, or you can decide to adopt a different mindset, you can learn to accept that even though you cannot solve the problem right now there might come a time in the future when you are able to reach out and try again, and in the meantime you still need to get on with your own life and acceptance helps you to do that.

I hope that we can all learn together by answering the following questions:

What does letting go mean? What are we letting go of? What should we still hold onto?

How important are boundaries in problem solving when our pwBPD is unwilling to cooperate?

When is the right time to step back, what obstacles could prevent you from stepping back?

How important is using mindfulness and wise mind in solving problems?

What do you think are the benefits of Radical Acceptance?

What is the best way to take a tactical retreat and best set things up for reconciliation in the future?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Lots of stuff to think about here and I don't know if I'm doing it right but here goes.

What does letting go mean? What are we letting go of? What should we still hold onto?

What does letting go mean?

For me, letting go means stepping back and letting my DD face the consequences/benefits of her actions.

For example, my DD complains about being stuck in the house, having to rely on others to take her places, then she gets resentful if someone can't help her out with transportation or is late picking her up for an appointment.

The solution seems simple to me: DD should get a driver's license. I bought a cheap car for her to use after she gets her license, and offered to pay for professional driving lessons and insurance for the first three months.

As crazy as it sounds, this is progress for me since I bought a car "for her to use," rather than gifting her a car "for her and her unlicensed boyfriend." My past action of buying cars was motivated by my desire to rescue her during crises. She and her BF have gone through several cars and a few times she was in need of a car to get her to work. She asked me to keep an eye out for cheap cars and I took it a step further and bought them a cheap car.

What are we letting go of?
I'm letting go of my belief that my answers/solutions/timelines are what's best for my DD. I'm letting go of my desire to force the situation. That car has been sitting in my driveway since early July.

What should we still hold onto?
I still hold on to the hope that she will be motivated to get her license.

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Thanks OH for your great response and willingness to participate in this thread. This is a learning experience for me, as I hope it will be for others who join us.

For me, letting go means stepping back and letting my DD face the consequences/benefits of her actions.

I like what you say here, you are stepping back, letting go, giving your DD time to process her thoughts, allowing her to face the consequences of her actions. A very wise thing to do.

Do you think that by stepping back you are also giving yourself time and the space to process your own thoughts too, working out what is your best way forward?

What are we letting go of?
I'm letting go of my belief that my answers/solutions/timelines are what's best for my DD. I'm letting go of my desire to force the situation. That car has been sitting in my driveway since early July.

This is good, an awareness that you don’t necessarily always have all the answers, or even need to have all the answers, that you don’t have to “fix” everything. I used to be a “fixer” and I found it quite liberating to be told and to realise that actually I don’t need to fix everything.

The car has been on your driveway since July, do you have any boundaries in place regarding the length of time that you are happy for the car to be there? Or is that not an issue right now for you?

What should we still hold onto?
I still hold on to the hope that she will be motivated to get her license.

Hope is a good thing to hold onto. In your case you are hoping that your daughter will be motivated to get her license. I’m just wondering, are you helping her or do you have any plans to help her be motivated?

[Only Human]

Do you think that by stepping back you are also giving yourself time and the space to process your own thoughts too, working out what is your best way forward?

I never thought of that but yes, by stepping back from her problems, it means I can focus on my own. I also think this is at the root of why I rescue; it's a great way to avoid doing my own work, blah!

The car has been on your driveway since July, do you have any boundaries in place regarding the length of time that you are happy for the car to be there? Or is that not an issue right now for you?

Until yesterday, it was a non-issue. Yesterday though, DD had a driving lesson that went terribly wrong and she told me she never wants to drive, she's too emotional, what if she gets emotional and crashes? I'm going to wait a bit before deciding what to do with the car as she may change her mind.

Hope is a good thing to hold onto. In your case you are hoping that your daughter will be motivated to get her license. I’m just wondering, are you helping her or do you have any plans to help her be motivated?

I'm not sure what the question is. How do you help someone be motivated?

The other day, after she complained about how hard it is when her exBF gives her driving lessons, due to them both triggering each other, I reminded her of my offer to pay for professional driving lessons. She asked, "How would I do that? Who woud watch GS?" I said, "I will," then she said, "Yeah, I don't think I could do that with a complete stranger. It would be too hard." 

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hi OH

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, it’s not the best time for me as I’m sure is the case for so many of us here.

I'm not sure what the question is. How do you help someone be motivated?

Yes, basically, but in your case, your daughter.
You said that you hoped she will be motivated to get her license and I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how you could help her to achieve this. Get her motivated to do it. It’s something that you would like her to do, right? At the moment it’s not happening, she is coming up with excuses, giving you a problem that you want to solve somehow, and maybe stepping back from it for a while will give you a breathing space while you work out what your next course of action is. It may be that you might not be able to resolve anything at this moment in time and you might even have to let go of your desire for her to get her license for the time being. What are your thoughts?

[Lollypop]

Hi FB

Thanks for posting. It’s timely for me as I’ve been reflecting this last week.

What does letting go mean? What are we letting go of? What should we still hold onto?

For me, I let go of my attempts to control my son. I also let go of “me” in his daily life. I was too involved. I let go of the past. I still held onto the hope that we could find a way to have a more balanced relationship. The real benefit of leaving him to his own decisions and consequences was that he became more focussed on his learning than considering me to blame. If I was not involved I found he couldn’t blame me.

How important are boundaries in problem solving when our pwBPD is unwilling to cooperate?

Boundaries need to be 6ft thick concrete and always come with consequences. For that reason, I only had one : no drugs in the house. This ended up getting complicated because son28 on occasion would turn to nurofen, a legal over the counter painkiller. He bought and hid some Prozac because he was struggling to cope with his relationship with his girlfriend. I turned my boundary to more of a limitation as I realised I needed to be flexible. I couldn’t expect him to be squeaky clean in times of stress, particularly because he was making progress. I had 3 priorities: 1. Improve my relationship 2. Get him financial skills 3. Get him to live independently. His willingness to co-operate fluctuated with how his mental state was at a particular time. For instance, he’d forget to pay his rent - I’d use my new skills when interacting.

When is the right time to step back, what obstacles could prevent you from stepping back?

Fear of the future stopped me stepping back. Anything he should do for himself, he should do himself. I thought he was incapable, I’d step in and therefore reinforce the view he was incapable.

What do you think are the benefits of Radical Acceptance?

I sleep well, he’s not the first thing in my mind when I wake. I feel free to live my own life.

What is the best way to take a tactical retreat and best set things up for reconciliation in the future?

My best tactical retreat is to be light as a fairy when spending time with son28 and not talking about his problems. I can talk about mine, share how I think I can solve them. It helps him understand that life is challenging and sometimes he offers advice. It is our interaction and relationship that sets up things for reconciliation. Putting our relationship as my number 1 top priority above everything else and it requires nurturing.

I’m lucky. My son has no girlfriend rocking the boat. He’s stable and continues to grow. But  I know this may not always be the case. He has very black dark moments, my fear of suicide most probably will never go.

LP

[DharmaGate]

What does letting go mean? In this case I let go of any expections of getting anything in return for anything I have done or will do for my daughter.  I

What are we letting go of? Expections, the societal expections of mother daughter relationship.

What should we hold on to? values in my case love, patience, acceptance.

How important are boundaries when pwBPD is unwilling to cooperate?  I have come to see boundaries as my values and knowing my values are essential to problem solving. When my daughter is unwilling to cooperate being able to explain to her why or why I can't do something because of my values really helps, it is not personal, I would act the same regardless of who it was. I actually used this with my dad the other day, saying I couldn't do something (talk about my brother and sister) because it went against my values, he got that and didn't take it personally and felt it was ok for him to go talk to others about it.

When is the right time to step back? When my involvement interferes with her living her life.  When it is purely to meet my needs and not hers.  When my involvement is driven by fear and anxiety.  When she tells me directly or indirectly to . Obstacles? Terror that she will kill herself

How important is using wise mind and mindfulness in solving problems?
Absolutely essential!  I think about the idea if i take a wrong step in the woods and keep going how lost I can become.  If I make decisions, come to conclusions, assess when I am in a emotional or overly logical  mood everything that follows can be off. 

Mindfulness, being in touch with what is happening right now, without judgement, seeing clearly, being present is essential to problem solving.  if I am operating out of stories of the past, fears of the future I can't clearly see what is going on. again everything that follows can be off.  I am sure everyone around me feels much better when I am in wise mind and acting mindfully too, so problem solving with others is much easier.

What do you think are the benefits of radical acceptance? The relief of living in reality whether painful or not.  Way less energy spent trying to twist everything around to fit how I want it to be and then I have to make it stay there! Heart rate, blood pressure go down.  Can start problem solving.  Don't develop so many control issues. Peace

What is the best way to take a tactical retreat and set things up for reconciliation in the future? I did not consciously set upon doing this but that it how it worked out.  I still interacted but only when asked, within myself I retreated, I let go of any expections.  I did dbt, I learned to mediate, I became as non reactive as I could. 

[incadove]

Hi Feeling Better

Love these questions.  I don't have all the answers, but just one thought in response to this one

What does letting go mean? What are we letting go of? What should we still hold onto?

Maybe letting go of expectations.  For example, when an invitation is ignored, don't withdraw the invitation, but withdraw the expectation.  like, "I guess you are busy, would love to see you, let me know if you want to set a time" sort of thing, without really expecting a response.  And knowing that you won't get one, but leave open the door to other small ways to reach out.

[Only Human]

Yes, basically, but in your case, your daughter.
You said that you hoped she will be motivated to get her license ... .

It’s something that you would like her to do, right?
... .

you might even have to let go of your desire for her to get her license for the time being.

Yes, thanks for explaining. When I saw the question I thought... .I can't help her to be motivated, "I've tried everything." I countered every obstacle she presented with a solution, MY solution. I was listening, but didn't hear her. No babysitter? I'll babysit! Driving lessons are too stressful with the BF? I'll pay for professional driving lessons! I now believe what she was telling me is: I'm terrified of driving but that will sound ridiculous, who is terrified of driving? So I must point out obstacles that are more accepted by society, by my mom.

I'm starting to accept that right now, she's not motivated to drive. Yes, I have to let go of my desire for her to get her license.

When is the right time to step back? When my involvement interferes with her living her life.  When it is purely to meet my needs and not hers.  When my involvement is driven by fear and anxiety.  When she tells me directly or indirectly to  

I couldn't have said it better myself, DharmaGate.

For me, I let go of my attempts to control my son. I also let go of “me” in his daily life. I was too involved.

This rings true for me at the present moment. Although I've outwardly made steps in the right direction inside I'm still overly focused on her life, her struggles.

The real benefit of leaving him to his own decisions and consequences was that he became more focussed on his learning than considering me to blame. If I was not involved I found he couldn’t blame me.
... .

Fear of the future stopped me stepping back. Anything he should do for himself, he should do himself. I thought he was incapable, I’d step in and therefore reinforce the view he was incapable.

Thanks for sharing this, LP. Fear is at the core of many of my actions concerning my daughter and grandson. I've only recently realized how unhelpful my help is.

Thanks for the workshop FeelingBetter.

~ OH

[zachira]

You might find learning about motivational interviewing helpful. It is the most highly regarded evidence based set of techniques for working with drug addicts for many years now, and is used in all types of settings that involve physical health and mental health. Basically it meets people where they are in terms of motivation, including having no motivation to do anything. The principles are simple and easy to learn, though mastery, like anything else, takes time, experience, and hard work.

[Feeling Better]

Lollypop
Thank you so much for your input, I really like what you say, “boundaries need to be 6ft thick concrete and always come with consequences”, and I particularly liked that when you recognised that you needed to be more flexible you were happy to accommodate that.

You mention fear, and particularly fear of the future that stopped you from stepping back, I can understand that, it must have been a huge step for you when you did decide to step back, let your son try to do for himself what he could. I know you’ve written before about being a “fixer”, I used to try and “fix” everything too. I don’t know about you, but I actually felt huge relief when I finally realised that I didn’t have to “fix” everything.

You say that Radical Acceptance means that you sleep well, I hadn’t linked the two together before but wow, how true is that, and not having your son on your mind the minute you wake up each day, yes, I can relate to that. I am glad that it gives you the freedom to live your own life, quite often we, as parents, become so involved in the lives of our children that we forget that we do actually need, and are entitled to have a life of our own.

I can see that you being “light as a fairy” obviously works for you with your son and I think it’s great that you are able to share your own problems with him, discuss your ways of solving them and generally just helping him. You have worked really hard and achieved so much in your relationship with your son, and of course your relationship with him is your number one priority, you’re his mum 

Dharmagate
Thank you so much for your input, you are so right, letting go of expectations plays a big part in solving problems and maintaining relationships. I personally don’t think that it’s naturally intuitive to let go of expectations, quite often as parents we hold high expectations for our kids and I remember struggling myself with letting go of expectations.

You seem to have a really good attitude towards setting and communicating boundaries, you see the importance of having them, helping to avoid conflict and confusion. It certainly worked well in your example about your dad.

I like that you recognise both your daughter’s needs as well as your own when deciding the right time to step back, quite often, I think, it is easy to just get caught up in our own needs and emotions and completely forget that our children have their own needs too. I think that the fear of suicide would always be a major obstacle against stepping back for many parents.

Like you, I think that using Wise Mind is essential in problem solving, we need to get that balance. Too much emotion is obviously no good and can cause an escalation which is not conducive to solving any problems. Too much logic might be perceived as lacking in empathy and our child could feel that we don’t understand. Mindfulness too, I am currently working on this, as you say, being fully present in the moment and being aware.

I agree with you that Radical Acceptance brings relief, and yes, peace too. I have also found that through acceptance I have started to regain my happiness, something that at times I never thought that I would experience ever again.

Dharmagate, thanks again for taking the time to participate in this thread and for providing us all with some valuable insights 

Incadove
How nice to see you, thanks for joining us.
Letting go of expectations, thanks to you, when I first arrived here I learned to let go expectations. I learned to not ask my son questions whenever I contacted him by email which took away my expectation and desperate need for a reply from him. I never thought that I would be able to do that but thanks to you I did. I think letting go of expectations is vital for so many reasons, including problem solving and our own well being 

OH
I’m glad that my explaining what I meant regarding motivation has helped you to realise yourself that yes, you were listening to your daughter but not actually hearing her. I guess we are all guilty of that at times. Also, you are aware of your wanting to “fix” things too for your daughter.

I am glad that you recognise fear as being at the core of many of your actions regarding your daughter and grandson, I also think that fear plays a part in many of our interactions and particularly in problem solving, fear can be a major contributor to not achieving a successful outcome.

I was wondering OH, how do you feel about tackling another one of the questions?

Zachira
Thanks for telling us about motivational interviewing, I googled it and found it an interesting read.


As I said previously, I hope that this is a learning experience for all of us and I look forward to hearing more from others who are willing to join in and learn with us. Letting go or stepping back is something that will most likely affect us all at some point in our lives.
Thanks for reading.

FB x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JNChell]

Hi, Feeling Better. I can’t imagine how hard this decision is. My child is only 4. I’d like to participate in this lesson, though.

What does letting go mean? What are we letting go of? What should we still hold onto?

Maybe it’s a way of taking the high road and allowing space. Breathing room. A place to reflect. Maybe holding onto a place to approach things later on down the line after having time to think, decompress, take care of ourselves and recharge.

How important are boundaries in problem solving when our pwBPD is unwilling to cooperate?

Paramount. Sometimes limits have to be set and they need to be consistent.

When is the right time to step back, what obstacles could prevent you from stepping back?

Maybe when there is no solution that is currently working. I imagine that things can get scary during these times, but if all efforts aren’t working and the situation is declining, maybe the best one can do is to leave it where it is for the time being. If any effort is making the situation worse, what do you do?

How important is using mindfulness and wise mind in solving problems?

Again, paramount. It takes being wise to seek understanding for intense emotions without becoming intertwined in them. It’s more useful to look at the emotions to try to understand where they’re coming from than to become embroiled in them.

What do you think are the benefits of Radical Acceptance?

Knowing that we only have control over ourselves.

What is the best way to take a tactical retreat and best set things up for reconciliation in the future?

FB, I don’t have a response for this one.

[Feeling Better]

I just want to share something.

I have just got back from walking my dog and I’ve realised that it was my stepping back time. I allowed myself to process recent events involving my mother. I had a problem that needed solving, not for her, but for me. I was calm, had a balanced mind and was able to easily approach the problem without getting upset or emotional about it. And the best thing about it is this:
I feel good!

JNChell
Thanks for joining in, I will get back to you later.

FB x

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing about your experience with how being with your dog helped you process recent events involving your mother. You had a balanced mind and were easily able to approach the problem without getting upset or emotional about it. You are describing a state of mindfulness which allowed you to be present and calm enough that you were able to process what you were feeling in the moment. Being with a pet can be one of the best ways to process our emotions because most pets (unless they have been abused) are regularly in a mindful state, present with their emotions and body sensations, and constantly looking for ways to get their owners to notice what their physical and emotional needs are. Indeed getting a pet can be the first step in recovery from years of trauma, and can be way less threatening than going to a therapist. What do you think about asking some of our members about pets?

[wendydarling]

Hi FB

Oops, I lost my response, for now.

What do you think are the benefits of Radical Acceptance?
FB this was the second book I read after my DD's diagnosis, thank you Tara Brach. I faced, accepted I may lose my DD.

And today I watched 3 core capacities in loving fully seeing, feeling, expressing. x

[smallbluething]

I am at the start of the letting go journey. I think the bit I really have to work on is letting go of my own expectations. I am keen to learn more about radical acceptance.

I'll be letting go of bigger goals for DD21 (which I have found from experience fall in a heap) but still may pursue a few modest goals - for instance, DD21 recently successfully completed her workplace first aid certificate after I booked a course for her. I'll do the same for food-handling, RSA and RSG certificates (all one day courses). I know she does actually want to renew these, has done them before (so not too daunting) so the chance of success if I book them for her is reasonably good.

I have tried and failed to get DD21 to apply for jobs and get back into vocational college (actually that last may still come off but my hopes aren't high). These are what I'll mostly be letting go of. In May she can apply for job-seekers allowance - they will insist she applies for jobs (and help her get interviews) in order to get her money and it is possible that without the mother-daughter baggage she may actually comply with this. But I'm not going to get involved.

I will also stop supporting her financially - I currently pay her phone, travel card and give her a small allowance - so she gets used to paying for these (and budgeting) from her jobseeker allowance. If she fails to budget then she will have to deal with the consequences eg of not having credit on her phone or travel card.

She will still be living at home at least initially so she will have food available, wifi and a roof over her head. She says she wants to move out but it will be up to her to organise that.

Regarding obstacles to letting go, I am lucky in that my DD21 is not (seriously) suicidal although she does sometimes abuse alcohol/weed. I think provided she is not in serious danger I will have to learn to let sleeping dogs lie a bit on these topics.

Still got a lot more learning to do to make sure I'm on the right track but I think letting go and acceptance of how things are will be good for my mental health at least.

I appreciated FB's comment about finding peace for problem solving when walking the dog. For me, being in nature is a tremendous soul-salve. That might be a walk on the beach, or in the nearby park and woods, sitting by a lake or going surfing (I am a bad middle age lady surfer !). We are lucky to have beautiful places in easy reach here.

When I learned first aid they reminded us of the airlines saying: 'put your own mask on first before helping others' as a metaphor for taking care of your own health and safety before trying to assist others. I think this is very important when dealing with a BPD family member too.

[Feeling Better]

JNChell
Thanks again for joining in, your son may be only 4 right now but the knowledge and insight that you are gaining here is going to stand you in good stead during and after your son’s formative years.

I too see letting go or stepping back as giving oneself breathing space, a chance to think things through and maybe get a different perspective.

Yes, stepping back when there is no immediate solution, when you feel like you are perhaps going round in circles, and I don’t see that there is anything else you can do, if everything you are currently doing is just making it worse.

I agree with you that using wise mind and mindfulness are really important in solving problems, keeping calm and having a clear mind, as you say, better to not get embroiled in emotions.

I found your response to the benefits of Radical Acceptance interesting, I hadn’t thought of that but it is so true, accepting that we have no control over others, only ourselves. Thank you.

Zachira
Thanks again for your input, I do recognise the value of pets, particularly dogs, they can certainly be calming and comforting to their owners. I also think that exercise such as walking is very beneficial too.

 

What do you think about asking some of our members about pets?

I think that is a great idea and I think it would make a really good thread... .

WD
Wow, they are hard things to learn to accept and I admire you for being able to do that 

Thank you for the video link, I have watched a few Tara Brach videos and I like what she says.

smallbluething
Thank you so much for joining in, I know you have not been here that long and I really do appreciate you taking part.

You are being totally realistic letting go of some of your expectations, you know exactly what your daughter is capable of doing and what she isn’t. You have found the right balance, one that suits you and your daughter also.

Sounds like you are setting some good boundaries in place too, you see the importance of doing that, to protect your own values and also to help your daughter become the independent person she needs to be.

You are very wise to recognise that you still have some learning to do, and I agree with you, letting go of expectations and working on acceptance will indeed help with your own mental wellbeing.

I’m glad that you too feel the benefits of getting out in nature and I’d like to thank you for putting the picture of you as a middle aged woman on a surfboard in my head. Priceless 
You certainly made me smile.

FB x

[zachira]

Feeling Better,
Do you want to start a thread on pets and how they can help us to be calmer and function better? Maybe you can start by sharing your story.

[JNChell]

I think that’s a good idea, zachira. I love dogs. Unfortunately, in my current living position, I can’t live with one. I think it would be great to have a sounding board to talk about our pets and what they mean/have meant to us.

[Feeling Better]

Feeling Better,
Do you want to start a thread on pets and how they can help us to be calmer and function better? Maybe you can start by sharing your story.

Thanks for asking Zachira, although I think it's a great idea for a thread, it's not one that I, myself, want to start.

Getting back to this thread, I have been thinking recently more and more about Radical Acceptance, wendydarling mentioned it earlier.

I find that I have to periodically remind myself about acceptance and especially more so when something crops up that I need to deal with.

So I'm wondering, do others need to remind themselves like I do, periodically or maybe even on a daily basis? Or is Radical Acceptance a way of life for you?

Looking forward to hearing thoughts on this.

FB x

[Lollypop]

Hi there FB

I'm wondering, do others need to remind themselves like I do, periodically or maybe even on a daily basis? Or is Radical Acceptance a way of life for you?

When things are calm, when I’m feeling confident and problems are the “usual” My super radical acceptance hat sits at a jaunty angle!

BUT it doesn’t take much for my old ways to appear. If I’m not balanced for whatever reason then my fixer urge kicks in... I’ve made it a rule of mine that I now sleep on everything to allow the space  and time to get some perspective. I post or reflect or even ask for advice. It’s a constant challenge... .not a battle any more at least. I’d say I’m cautionary when a new problem arises  so radical acceptance, for me, needs nurturing and my reactions reigned in.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

I don't know if it is a good way, and I went through several years of intensely painful regret for not doing things better, but I have become focused on other areas of my life now and I check in with my dd's who have abandonment about once a week, and for the last six months things seemed to be going well.  Now there has been some upheaval and also I found out some things weren't going as well as I thought!  But I have things I want to accomplish in my life and I just am not willing to be consumed right now.  So I am trying to offer what I can, and then focus most of my efforts and emotions elsewhere - to close friends with medical problems, to my career, to efforts to help those affected by the political situation - I don't know if a disaster strikes maybe that will have been shown to be the wrong thing to do.  But it feels like what I really want to do.  I have scheduled a therapy appointment for myself to get advice, to make sure I'm not harming my dd's and also my non d's with this approach. 

[Feeling Better]

I’d say I’m cautionary when a new problem arises  so radical acceptance, for me, needs nurturing and my reactions reigned in.

Thanks for sharing this Lollypop, I agree also, new problems often require new perspective followed by a new acceptance. Continual growth.

I don't know if it is a good way, and I went through several years of intensely painful regret for not doing things better, but I have become focused on other areas of my life now and I check in with my dd's who have abandonment about once a week, and for the last six months things seemed to be going well.  Now there has been some upheaval and also I found out some things weren't going as well as I thought!  But I have things I want to accomplish in my life and I just am not willing to be consumed right now.  So I am trying to offer what I can, and then focus most of my efforts and emotions elsewhere - to close friends with medical problems, to my career, to efforts to help those affected by the political situation - I don't know if a disaster strikes maybe that will have been shown to be the wrong thing to do.  But it feels like what I really want to do.  I have scheduled a therapy appointment for myself to get advice, to make sure I'm not harming my dd's and also my non d's with this approach. 

Wow, so much going on there Incadove, sounds like you are trying to solve everyone’s problems. I am glad to hear that you are not short changing yourself in the process, you are doing these things because it feels like what you really want to do. Great that you are seeking help too via therapy. Forward thinking, trying to avoid problems before they actually arise.

Thanks for sharing, let us all know how it goes with the therapist

FB x

[Only Human]

OH

I was wondering OH, how do you feel about tackling another one of the questions?

I feel nervous, honestly, but I'm committed to getting better and the only way I can do that is to live outside my comfort zone so here goes.

When is the right time to step back?

It's right to step back when the problem isn't mine to solve. As much as I want to spare my DD from a crisis or from painful experiences, stepping back, and being a soft place to land instead, is better for all. It also removes me from possible blame if things don't work out.

When she tells me to. 

What obstacles could prevent you from stepping back?

Fear again. Fear for my grandson's safety mostly. Also fear for my daughter's safety, although she's a pretty tough cookie, a survivor.

My own need to feel helpful.

~ OH

[incadove]

Hi Feeling better thank you for your kind words!  Its so nice to have this community to come back to, I'm grateful to all of you for keeping it going.  I am a little sort of busy and while not exactly overwhelmed, I would definitely say whelmed, so I am posting very sporadically.  Glad to hear how you are doing, it sounds like you are finding peace and moving forward in this journey in a loving and thoughtful way.

[Feeling Better]

Hey OH, thanks for taking up the challenge, I hope that you didn’t feel pressurised as that most definitely wasn’t my intention. I am glad you gave it a shot though 

That’s a great response, stepping back once you realise whether or not a problem is yours to solve. We can all get sucked in trying to solve everyone else’s problems, and as you so rightly say, run the risk of being blamed if it all goes wrong.

Yep! Most definitely the right time for stepping back is when your daughter tells you to. Sounds like you’ve got that one covered 

Fear. It crops up everywhere and especially here, yes, fear is a huge obstacle for most of us when it comes to stepping back. You have your precious grandson to consider, so your fears regarding him are more than justified. I also think it’s perfectly natural to have fears about your daughter too at times, even though she is probably capable of taking care of herself. We are moms and grandmoms and that’s what we do.

My own need to feel helpful.

It took me a while to get what you meant, but you are saying that fulfilling your own need that you have, to feel/want to be, helpful could be an obstacle preventing you from stepping back. Have I got that right? Do you think that being mindful in that moment would help?

Talking about What obstacles could prevent you from stepping back?, I had a thought come to mind:
Ourselves. Our own thoughts and perceptions, I think could possibly prevent us from stepping back. You know, it’s easy to get stuck, believing that we are right and wanting to get that over, wanting the other person to agree with us, and with our perception of things. Does anyone else think that we ourselves could be one of our biggest obstacles preventing us from stepping back?

incadove, it’s always good to see you here on the board and I hope that you manage to stick around despite your busy schedule 

FB x

[Only Human]

FB, I did not feel pressured - I felt challenged and that's cool because that's why I'm here!

My own need to feel helpful.

~ OH

It took me a while to get what you meant, but you are saying that fulfilling your own need that you have, to feel/want to be, helpful could be an obstacle preventing you from stepping back. Have I got that right?

Yes, definitely. It's something I struggle with and not just with DD, but with my BFF, my colleagues, other family members. I've been thinking that arrogance plays a part in this - I mean, who am I to think I have all the answers?  A colleague once said to me, about DD, "You think she's fragile." I do. She's not.

Do you think that being mindful in that moment would help?

I'm gonna work on that. Acknowledging, "I am feeling like I want/need to rescue," could be helpful, it could replace, "I must rescue." If that makes sense.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

So I'm wondering, do others need to remind themselves like I do, periodically or maybe even on a daily basis? Or is Radical Acceptance a way of life for you?

Looking forward to hearing thoughts on this.

Funnily enough the reminder for me was to come back to this thread. I've had a bit of a break from my daughter and now I'm back at home I found (no surprise really) that she was hitting the weed pretty hard with friends while I was away and headed to said friends place before I got back (to continue getting wasted and also as avoidance).

She is supposed to go to a tutoring session tomorrow but texted saying she might not go due to feeling unwell (with what are likely weed withdrawal symptoms). I left it to my husband to encourage her to attend but if she doesn't I'll probably call it a day on that.

It seems she might have actually secured an offer of a place in vocational college but I don't know if she has the commitment to really follow through (even though she seemed really keen). She also hasn't booked the driving lessons for her upcoming driving test and doesn't seem like she wants to spend the time to be here to practice with us so I'll probably just let that go too.

My husband still feels we should give it one last push with the vocational college thing so we'll see how that pans out but I'm getting to the stage where I feel I'm done with rescuing her, fixing her and so forth. It has been driving me crazy for too long and I need to look after myself now.

After the time away from her I realised that thinking about her and the prospect of coming home to deal with her was giving me heart palpitations and a bit of an anxiety attack! I really have to step back for my own mental health.

[incadove]

Only Human I resonate with that 'need to rescue' - I have a strong need to be needed.  But I am realizing that it is healthier for all of us if I try to connect outside of those needs - to provide things that are not emergency, to offer appreciation when not in crisis.  I wonder sometimes if the need to be rescued is a proof of love sort of thing, and I want to show that love can be outside the need-rescue cycle.

[Feeling Better]

OH

Yes, definitely. It's something I struggle with and not just with DD, but with my BFF, my colleagues, other family members. I've been thinking that arrogance plays a part in this - I mean, who am I to think I have all the answers?  A colleague once said to me, about DD, "You think she's fragile." I do. She's not.

Are you sure it’s arrogance? Sometimes we do have the answers! In any case, I think as parents we have spent years providing answers for our kids, it can be hard to stop doing that, and take a step back, especially if we think we can help or fix things.

I'm gonna work on that. Acknowledging, "I am feeling like I want/need to rescue," could be helpful, it could replace, "I must rescue." If that makes sense.

Yes, that makes absolute sense. In my opinion, using mindfulness and being self aware in the moment can help avoid conflict and stop making matters worse.

smallbluething
I’m sorry to hear how the problems with your daughter are causing you health problems but at the same time I am glad that you thought to come back to this thread to post.

I’m also glad that you recognise where it most likely is in the best interests of yourself and your daughter to step back.

I hope that things will settle down and life become more peaceful for you once you have accepted that you can do no more and you do step back.

incadove
I agree with what you say. I think as parents we like to be needed, rescue others even, as proof of our love, and it can be really hard to let go.

FB x