Thankful for this website. DIL has divided my family

[leafedh]

I can't tell you what a RELIEF this website is!  My DIL  is diagnosed with BPD and my son left his wife to be with her.  It was a terrible shock to my whole family.  We knew that the former wife and he were not getting along but this seems so drastic for him to leave his wife while she was away visiting her sick grandmother.  She had no clue and when she came home, he was gone.  My new DIL pretended to be my former DIL's friend and my son and new DIL would talk about former behind her back.  My new DIL and son have forbidden my family to stay in contact with my former DIL and have made threats to us that if we contacted my former DIL that we will not have contact with the children.  It's horrible.  AND she is a behavioral therapist!  I can't believe that any mental health organization would hire her.  She works with autistic children as one of her children is high functioning autistic.  Ok, got that off my chest.  Thanks for reading!
If I say anything that is negative like "I am sad because I saw one of the tea cups I had given you broken" she will tell me how passive aggressive I am.  And I get these disjointed, incredibly long texts from her blaming and threatening me.  I have been blaming myself for all of this thinking that if I just don't say anything to her then all will be ok. Everything is fine if I just don't share any feelings with her.  I have to let her initiate, then I console or emathesize but I cannot say anything about my life to her.  It's all about her.  I don't understand how my son can take this kind of relationship.  He says he's happy but I don't see that.  I see both of them as very confused.  Also, she is a control freak.  Everything has to be planned out to the inth degree and if you do not plan then you are not like "normal" people.  They have three children and I think that she takes medication but I am not sure.  I do think she goes to counseling and she at least is aware of her disorder I just wish I knew how to better be around her and not take the mean and cruel things she sometimes says to me to heart.  It's very painful.  Now that I know that it's not just all me I will look for help and ways to cope with her.  She has divided my family and my step children do not want her or my son around at all.  It's difficult for me as I want my whole family to be together.  Any suggestions on books or websites would be very helpful and again, just reading this is so helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello leafedh, welcome  

I understand how you must be feeling right now, you have a BPDDIL who you are struggling to relate with, and you have lost your first DIL, who I’m guessing you got on well with? How long have your son and his current wife been married? Are the three children from this marriage?

I don't understand how my son can take this kind of relationship.  He says he's happy but I don't see that.

What do you see that makes you think that your son is not happy?

I think that she takes medication but I am not sure.  I do think she goes to counseling and she at least is aware of her disorder

Do you know when your DIL was diagnosed?

I just wish I knew how to better be around her and not take the mean and cruel things she sometimes says to me to heart.  It's very painful.  Now that I know that it's not just all me I will look for help and ways to cope with her.  She has divided my family and my step children do not want her or my son around at all.  It's difficult for me as I want my whole family to be together.  Any suggestions on books or websites would be very helpful and again, just reading this is so helpful.

It is difficult I know to not take things that she says to heart, it can feel like a personal attack but it is part of the disorder. You are wisely taking a positive step, wanting to learn new things to help you cope with being around her. I am sorry to hear that you feel that she has divided your family, and I understand your wanting your family to be together, sadly that does not always happen, and we have to accept that. Are your stepchildren aware of her diagnosis?

I am glad that you have found this site, you will find it extremely helpful and supportive.

A good book I can recommend is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning.

I look forward to hearing more from you x  

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

You are in the right place for information about BPD and how to develop coping skills and communication strategies to help obtain a more stable relationship.  The book Feeling Better recommended is a good one. 

What is one thing you would like to focus on improving?

It is good to have you here though I am sorry for what brought you.  It is also good that you are reaching out.