Radicalized by BPD partner

[globalnomad]

Does anybody else here feel like they are becoming gradually radicalized by their BPD partner over time? My wife has been particularly dysregulated lately - the result of a bunch of things including my longer working hours (busy time of year) and stress over the upcoming holiday season (always a trigger). She has, to her credit, worked on the one thing I have told her is an absolute red line - physical violence toward me. But she seems to be substituting this outlet with an increased amount of verbal abuse and incessant criticism.

I'm finding myself less and less able to calmly validate this stuff lately, and feeling more and more of a buildup of resentment. The result is that I am more frequently being baited by her frequent provocations into doing things that I don't feel good about - returning verbal abuse with insults. Calling her a crazy person, etc. I cannot even imagine doing such a thing in the context of any past relationship. This is not who I am. But the frustration has built to such a level that I am having trouble tolerating it. Not a good feeling.

I know therapy might help, but that is out of the question for now (time and money). Can anybody relate to this and suggest anything that was helpful? The bottom line is that I feel like my partner's frequent bad behavior is "radicalizing" me and I am emulating patterns that I don't feel proud of.

[once removed]

dont validate verbal abuse or destructive criticism.

its like if someone punches you in the face and you ask them whats wrong.

listen and ask questions, sure. validate the valid. but if i said "you are a jerk", there is nothing to directly validate.

therapy would help, yes. more broadly, you need outlets for frustrations (any ideas?). as it applies to your marriage, it would help a lot to move conflict to a more constructive, healthier place, and when that cant happen, to calmly and gently take a healthy time out until you can.

can you give us some more detail on the scuffles, the back and forth?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey globalnomad, Yup, I can relate and think it's a common response to  goading and baiting.  I didn't feel good about it, either, and found myself doing/saying things that are way out of character for me.  It's a red flag, in my view.   

My suggestion: employ boundaries and practice detachment.  If she gets abusive, it's time for you to leave the room or the house, as necessary.  It got so bad that I had to spend nights at a motel.  By detachment, I mean declining to engage in circular arguments or listen to pointless diatribes.  In other words, don't participate in these mini-dramas.  The idea is to rise above the fray, which is sometimes easier said than done, yet you get the idea.

LuckyJim

[defogging]

I've been there too.  I've said some things to her that are out of character for me, and I felt ashamed at the type of husband I was acting like.  We're only human though. 

In my situation, my uBPDw likes to poke at various things until she gets me to react.  Sometimes it's rapid fire, switching from subject to subject.  I used to fall for it hook, line and sinker.  I've learned to let it roll off my back now.  Once I got out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and realized I wasn't who she was making me out to be it got a lot easier.

dont validate verbal abuse or destructive criticism.

its like if someone punches you in the face and you ask them whats wrong.

listen and ask questions, sure. validate the valid. but if i said "you are a jerk", there is nothing to directly validate.

Great advice there.  You have every right to walk away from that.

[Red5]

*Does anybody else here feel like they are becoming gradually radicalized by their BPD partner over time?

*... .one thing I have told her is an absolute red line - physical violence toward me.

*But she seems to be substituting this outlet with an increased amount of verbal abuse and incessant criticism.

*I'm finding myself less and less able to calmly validate this stuff lately, and feeling more and more of a buildup of resentment.

*The result is that I am more frequently being baited by her frequent provocations into doing things that I don't feel good about - returning verbal abuse with insults.

*Calling her a crazy person, etc.

*I cannot even imagine doing such a thing in the context of any past relationship.

*This is not who I am.

*But the frustration has built to such a level that I am having trouble tolerating it. Not a good feeling.

*The bottom line is that I feel like my partner's frequent bad behavior is "radicalizing" me and I am emulating patterns that I don't feel proud of.

Hi globalnomad!

I found this article interesting, and helpful.

Here is the link,

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

"... .the 'writer' encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far."

Perhaps, if caught sooner than later, these destructive relationship constructs / mutual behaviors can be reversed, before permanent damage is inflicted to the marriage / relationship.

 ... .what did Deputy Barney Fife say... ."nip it in the bud"    
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mj6B4DtNyM

Humor is life I always say !

Kind Regards, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Something I keep in mind is that pwBPD often try and bait us into responding on their level, with nastiness and insults, in order to discharge the volatile emotions they feel inside. This serves a dual purpose: it not only lets them expunge all those ugly uncomfortable feelings, but it also makes them feel less shame. They might think, "See, we're not so bad. Our partner does this too."

I too have fallen into this trap and it's really frustrating to feel like I've violated my own ethics, riled up my amygdala so that I feel really upset, self critical, and crummy.

Nowadays I just channel the anger I might feel from him trying to trigger me, into a more passive, perhaps at worst, passive-aggressive response, but if I'm still angry, at least I'm not actively making things worse. I think of my sweet Southern Belle aunts, who are all deceased now, and how a "Bless your heart" from their lips could be as withering as a "F* you".

I certainly don't want to say anything that would inflame the situation even more, but I can adopt my aunts' calm composure and think a mental "Bless your heart" and this is enough to allow me to shift gears and soothe my own upset, so that I can respond more appropriately.

[once removed]

You have every right to walk away from that.

i dont necessarily mean walk away. if you were at your angriest and wanting to be heard, and someone walked out in the middle of it, youd be angrier, and youd feel even more strongly about wanting to be heard. it can escalate things.

what i mean is that a lot of us, when learning about validation, think that its a tool to stop a dysregulation, or calm someone down. if anything, especially when we are first learning, it can be condescending, and we dont want to validate the invalid.

its often the wrong tool for the wrong situation. validation is good in discussing relationship issues, its good in times of calm, its good for building trust and for making a person feel heard. if someone is exploding at us, its really best to think more in terms of "dont be invalidating", because like responding with insults, that only makes things worse.

walking away can be highly invalidating, and an escalation. a healthy time out when tempers are flared, when things are destructive and past the point of being constructive, can be helpful, and at times necessary.

[globalnomad]

Thanks all for the comments and kind words. It's clear I need to go back and reread some of the basics on FOG, validation, etc. Holidays are a testing time. Just as an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about, this morning my partner was in the middle of brushing her teeth and started gesturing at me wildly like there was some kind of emergency I needed to respond to. I had no idea what she was gesturing about, so naturally asked for clarification. She got more and more agitated and kept gesturing (while refusing to take the toothbrush out of her mouth). By the time she did, she was in a rage because I had failed to guess she wanted me to get our son a glass of water. This turned into a category 4 fight because I stood there looking bemused at the whole situation, she started cursing at me for being "slow and clueless" and I tried to set a boundary and walked away. "Sorry, but I can't talk about this right now if you're going to use that kind of language." It ended with her demanding I apologize.

[once removed]

I tried to set a boundary and walked away. "Sorry, but I can't talk about this right now if you're going to use that kind of language." It ended with her demanding I apologize.

this is what i mean. this approach is, effectively, "youre being ridiculous so i wont talk to you".

its stonewalling, and it will escalate conflict every time.

[Lucky Jim]

Something I keep in mind is that pwBPD often try and bait us into responding on their level, with nastiness and insults, in order to discharge the volatile emotions they feel inside. This serves a dual purpose: it not only lets them expunge all those ugly uncomfortable feelings, but it also makes them feel less shame.

Nicely said, Cat Familiar.  Agree, those w/BPD will goad and bully in order to provoke a reaction.  As you note, it discharges their negative energy onto us if they can get us to engage.  In my experience, it doesn't really matter to a pwBPD whether the reaction they receive is positive or negative, because any reaction satisfies their hunger for attention and fends off their fear of abandonment.

The best defense, in my view, is to rise above the fray, which is not always easy to do.

LuckyJim

[AskingWhy]

It sounds like a case of "badger and blame," a common tactic for people with PDs.

The pwBPD provokes a response (badgering) and then when the partner finally has had enough and responds, the pwBPD will blame the partner for having an anger problem, etc.

The response to my H's dysregulations (which is usually a form of projection of anger at someone else H is angry at, such as his X W or FOO), is now a detached, "Oh, well, do what you have to do."

H will rage, break things, make personal attacks, threaten divorce, and my response is the same:  to disengage.

In other words, if H wants to rage, let him rage, and I stay well out of it.

It's odd, but "control through criticism" is a common tactic of male borderlines.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder

[Lucky Jim]

It sounds like a case of "badger and blame," a common tactic for people with PDs.

Hey AskingWhy, Love that expression, "badger and blame," which captures it in a nutshell.  Thanks!

I admire you for practicing disengagement, which I found quite effective once I got the hang of it.  Agree about staying above the fray as much as possible.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

Hi globalnomad,
Now that the holidays are over, how are things going?

Cat