UNHELPFUL police ... anyone experience something like this with authorities?

[suisse_chilipep]

So I go to the local police station (in the current European country where I live) early this morning to make one final statement regarding my situation (before we leave for Switzerland next month), especially with the abuse. It turns out that the first statement I gave (about a month ago), the police officer wasn't writing anything down, but only recorded that I just showed up and gave a report. My name was in the system, but no details of the events I shared.

The first guy was more sympathetic and understanding, especially since at the time I was freaking out because I didn't know where all the physical abuse was coming from, and I didn't know what to do. Again, this was approximately a month ago before I knew anything about BPD.

In any case, I showed up this morning to make a few simple statements, recording some facts about something that happened yesterday morning (that my son witnessed at breakfast). It wasn't direct abuse, but it was my uBPDw flinging breakfast cereal at me across the table (hitting me in the face, on my clothes, and sticking to the wall behind me). She did this several times with the spoon. She did this because she was mad at me for letting our son watch cartoons while I was feeding him breakfast (note: he watches cartoons on our laptop almost every morning ... .this shows her problems with consistency in parenting, and how good and consistent parenting oftentimes depends on her own moods). Needless to say, our son was confused and upset as she slammed the computer screen on the kitchen table, and started berating me. She then flung spoonfuls of his cereal in my direction, and this is when I firmly said, "It looks like you need a minute to calm down. [BLANK} and I are going upstairs to play right now." He was confused and crying, but I did my best to comfort him, and calm him down. Fairly quickly, he was distracted with his toys upstairs.    

So this morning (waking up extremely early so my uBPDw doesn't know), I simply wanted to make this brief statement at the police station and have it archived in the records, especially since it indicates how her behaviour interferes with responsible parenting. It turns out that the police officer (a different guy this time) was a complete monosynaptic a**hole. He was skeptical of my claims, and unhelpful of my simple request to take my statement. He said several times there's nothing I can do for you.

No wonder so many men are skeptical of getting help or reporting domestic abuse! Wow! I have read up on this extensively in the literature ... .oftentimes when men talk to authorities, that men are not taken seriously, or are met with skepticism, and suspected of making false claims to cover up their own domestic abuse. This effin' sucks!

I'm really going to have to find the right attorney for guidance! In my situation, I have lots of time to get my ducks in a row, but I'm going to have to be very resourceful, methodical and thorough.

So going back to this ass cop, I was to the point with my intentions and focused on the facts, but he kept saying to deal with it once I get back to Switzerland with the authorities there.

He even had the nerve to say, "well, you want to divorce your wife, don't you think she should know that? Don't you think you should tell her?" Even after I explained some of the key complexities of someone with this personality disorder (they don't f**king get it!). I told him she has refused couples counselling, and is hostile with any suggestion to see a therapist with me! At this point, one of his colleges, mumbled something to him telling him to back off, and not to say this. I was shocked! He then proceeded to tell me that a medical professional is the only one to determine if someone has a mental health disorder, and this is when I started to become more assertive saying, "listen, I have read up on this extensively. I have read a dozen books on the topic in the last month! I live with the extreme mood swings of this person! Again, I don't need to make a statement claiming that she has a personality disorder, I just want to make a statement of what happened recently. I want to use this as potential evidence in court (if I have to) to substantiates a pattern of problem behaviour without saying "personality disorder." This is what the judge / the court system will want to see with my claims. Of course it's up to a medical expert to determine what exactly she has. This is not the point. The point is about reporting the problem behaviours, and establishing facts regarding the pattern of problem behaviours. The point is about protecting myself, and securing the safety and well-being of my children!

I am here so that I can prepare myself to fairly protect my custody rights in the event she becomes malicious and makes false accusations, and tries to interfere with my custody. This is about the safety, health and well-being of my children, and them having security with their father, and sufficiently spending enough time with me as they grow up, and seeing how their dad models to them a good example and healthy interpersonal skills."

I was so getting pissed! I then changed the subject slightly and went back to talking about domestic violence against men. I said, "what would it take for you to take me seriously? Do I need to be stabbed by her first, and be lucky enough to call you guys right away for you to take my situation seriously? I have documented everything. I have scars on my arm still from 2 months ago. I have recordings too!" He then says, "recordings are illegal, and then says the pictures I have wouldn't necessarily prove anything (in fact, I could have done the harm to myself to create a false story), and he said if I have problems with her parenting, to go speak with child protective services."

At this point, I was done! What an ass! Especially when I was thinking of all the times I've been physically attacked by her over the last 5 months, and how he was discounting this (and how much the emotional and verbal abuse has been destroying my inner life), I then said, "Okay, well thank you for your time. I'll take care of these matters when I get back to Switzerland."

There was no communication barrier either because I speak the local language fluently!

As I was driving back to the house, I realised (even more so) that I'm going to have to significantly improve my communication skills in French when back in Switzerland, and start making the right connections with the law, a good therapist, and a good attorney. I am already reading the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with BPD or NPD." Damn this effin' sucks!

Any advice or similar experiences with this?

[ForeverDad]

We've been there, done that.  It's sad but most people, even some professionals, don't realize the depth of impact of someone with an acting-out pattern of poor behaviors.  They have yet to fathom the mental illness aspects, how to make sense of what can't make sense?  That's why it's a mental illness, it doesn't make sense.

An added difficulty is that the behaviors generally aren't displayed in public, the person with BPD (pwBPD) is aware enough to limit the worst of their behaviors in private scenarios, generally with those closest to them and whom they feel they have some control over and freedom to "let it all hang out".  I think that's how the word Borderline started, just enough to be recognized abnormal behavior but not enough to be committed to a treatment facility.

It sounds like the legal and protective systems are similar in many countries.  I'm not surprised your country doesn't like us to "play doctor", that's the same here in the USA.  Since we often lack a diagnosis — and courts and associated professionals seem very reluctant to seek one — we're left with the need to document the facts as best we can, both (1) to prove what happened and (2) to prove we're not the one misbehaving.

Courts don't try to 'fix' the parents, they treat them as they are.  We do well to do similarly.  Besides, in the years you've been together you know you can't fix her no matter how hard you try.  BPD is a disorder more evident the closer the relationship and what is closer than a spouse?

Courts give a lot of weight to documentation that is logged with details (journal, diary, calendar) whereas vague claims such as "he always... ." or "she always... ." are often viewed as unsupported and largely hearsay that is ignored.  Many courts are reluctant to listen to recordings, so often recordings are most beneficial to defend oneself from allegations and claims we're abusive.

By the way, if anyone contests your basis to record her, then change how you describe your actions.  How about stating it this way:  "I recorded to document I wasn't behaving poorly, in case any allegation was made against me.  If she was misbehaving while I was recording myself, well... ."

Of course, don't wave a phone or recorder in her face.  That would just trigger her more and inflame the situation.  When I recorded I kept the recorder out of triggering sight as much as possible.

When you select a family law attorney, understand that most do the 'standard' cases where the spouses may have some conflict during a separation or divorce but it is situational and will fade once some time passes.  Those lawyers and even the courts prefer and expect settlements, in other words, generic form filing and hand holding.  Your family dynamic is highly dysfunctional and needs better than that.  That's why the Splitting handbook instructs you to get consultations with a few lawyers so you can hear their proposed strategies, whether they are proactive and their level of experience, especially at court and trials.  (I recall my first lawyer, she was a former assistant prosecutor, new to family law and she realized she was out of her depth.  She recommended me to my experienced divorce lawyer.)  When interviewing it is perfectly okay to ask, "If you were facing a high conflict case like mine, who would you choose?"  Good lawyers know they're not going to get everyone who seeks a consultation as a client, especially if the person needs more experienced representation.

[suisse_chilipep]

Thanks for the advice! Great tips. I really appreciate it. Especially the part about making records, ... .to protect myself to document my own behaviour. Thank you. Yeah, I'm originally from the States. Seems like the same there and here.

[worriedStepmom]

I read your other posts.

It sounds like you have moved to a new country within the last 5 months, and are about to do a second move, this time to Switzerland?  (Or you've recently moved to Switzerland and are just visiting another country?)

What would be the legal consequences of returning to the US with your children?  You are a US citizen and so are your children.  The US was your primary residence until very recently, and it can be argued that you have not fully established a residence in Europe yet and that given the domestic violence you have experienced, it is safer for you and your children for you to return home.

You could then pursue a divorce in the US.

If your wife is causing you physical harm already, and if your toddler can already see the emotional abuse that she is inflicting on you, then your plan to stay another 4 years is actually a plan to keep your children in an abusive home for another 4 years.  Is that what is best for them?

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi SuisseChilipep,

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. The quicker you are able to heal yourself and be in a good place the better you’ll be able to deal with the situation. It’s hard... .

With that said... .I feel your frustration. Soon after we moved out of the USA to CH my stbexBPDw became more and more violent. It may have been the stress of the changes and solitude from her family and friends that brought it out... .I don’t know maybe this is going on with your wife. Anyway she gave me my first shiner back then. I went to the police station (that was closed on Sundays I found out) and the one officer there to respond to questions actually laughed in my face when I told him my wife punched me and that I wanted to report it! When he realized I wasn’t joking around he became serious.

Maybe even more concerning was a couple years later after my stbexBPDw was physically violent with D10 , at the time she was 6, and then physically violent with me when I protected D10. I went to a lawyer to see if I could force my wife into therapy in some way and the basic legal rights I needed to learn regarding the situation. At the time I wasn’t an expert at BPD but I knew something was up. I told the lawyer and his aide, a woman, about the physical and emotional abuse going on and that I thought she was mentally disturbed, ie needing possible intervention. I explained that she had been refusing to go to therapy for years and I didn’t know what to do. The lawyer said to me “well tell her to stop acting like that!” Wtf! I didn’t know how to respond. The aide added “tell her you need to go to therapy.” They didn’t get it... .it was as if they expected things to just get better by talking to her. I felt like I was surreally looking in on the discussion from the ceiling.

Anyway... .I don’t know where you are situated now but CH is a very interesting country regarding contested divorce and the laws and rights are very much Canton-based similarly as the States in the USA. You will need to inform yourself with a lawyer in the canton in which you’ll reside.

Generally speaking, I am assuming you’ve been hired by a Swiss entity and therefore most probably you have a B permit. If this correct then your child and wife, unless she works, are linked to you B permit status. If you decide to go back to the USA then they would have to as well. If you divorce then your wife will lose her B permit status. Your child will retain his. If you have a C permit then her residence status is separate from you and she has the right to stay in case of a divorce.

Anyway you need to talk with a lawyer for the canton you’re in.

Good luck and stay strong,
LAT

[suisse_chilipep]

Hi WorriedStepMom,

Thank you for comments and taking the time to understand my situation. Here's my situation in a nutshell:

I am an American, she is Swiss and American. We permanently relocated to Switzerland (her home country) to reestablish life here. We temporarily moved to another European country (as visitors) for one of her program requirements (she is in language education). We are moving back to CH next month. We are registered residents in CH.

Going back to the States (long-term) would be an absolute nightmare. In fact, I dodged a bullet (unknowingly) with us moving to CH. CH is her home country, her parents and friends are here, and she will absorb the changes that come with divorce much better here in CH as opposed to in the States. If we were to get divorced in the States, she would literally and legally be stuck in the States, and the reason why this is so relevant is because since she is in language education, so her career opportunities are much, much better here in CH as opposed to in the States.  One of the reasons why we came to CH in the first place is because she was tired of getting part-time teaching positions with pathetic pay and no benefits. In CH, she will have job stability in her field. For me, my skills are transferable with plenty of international companies based in CH. I have just begun to apply to open positions. Plus I speak one of the 3 official languages. I am happy to stay in CH. In fact, I prefer it. Long-term, it is much better financially, and for stability as our family lives change.

And as far as the abuse, it is still, for the moment, manageable. To be clear, the physical stuff has discontinued now that I know what the hell has been going on, and I'm able to apply much better communication techniques I've learned to deescalate and so forth. I agree that unfortunately the kids are going to pick up on tension one way or another (sometimes heavy yelling, verbal insults toward me, etc.), but even that has died down. Fortunately, I'll be in a position to get them into therapy later down the road, and I'm setting clear boundaries with walking out of the room when she splits on me, and gets argumentative. It's gradually sinking in. But it takes time and a lot of work.
  

[ForeverDad]

You would be smart to get a few legal consultations with qualified, experienced attorneys where you reside.  Being informed is so helpful.  Having short term and long term practical strategies will help you to be more successful as a father and spouse.

I would presume the laws there are similar to USA laws in the respect that legal consultations are private.  You have no obligation to share your visits or information gained from them, not even in late-night interrogations and "or else" demands.  Too much information (TMI) when the family relationship is dysfunctional can actually enable your spouse to sabotage your parenting efforts, if it came to that.

[suisse_chilipep]

With that said... .I feel your frustration. Soon after we moved out of the USA to CH my stbexBPDw became more and more violent. It may have been the stress of the changes and solitude from her family and friends that brought it out... .I don’t know maybe this is going on with your wife.

Thanks LightAfterTunnel. I appreciate your insights and comments, especially since you're familiar with life in CH.

My wife is Swiss though (her family and friends all live here). She will absorb the aftermath of divorce much, much better here as opposed to in the States. In fact, it was a happy accident to come here. If we were to get divorced in the States, it would be even a greater financial headache with child support, her career prospects, and general support for her in terms of her social community. She is a "hermit BPD" mother, did not have a lot friends back in the States, and one of the reasons why we came back here to CH is because her career prospects (in her field of language education) are much, much better. She will be able to be financially stable on her own after a few years.

Maybe even more concerning was a couple years later after my stbexBPDw was physically violent with D10 , at the time she was 6, and then physically violent with me when I protected D10.

Wow! I am so sorry! I can't imagine things escalating to the point of physical violence toward our children. She is "high-functioning," and strangely, is actually a very good and patient mother to our children. Very loving and caring. Her rage is directed toward me from time to time, but not the children. But I won't rule that out. I'm not ruling anything out at this point.

Generally speaking, I am assuming you’ve been hired by a Swiss entity and therefore most probably you have a B permit. If this correct then your child and wife, unless she works, are linked to you B permit status. If you decide to go back to the USA then they would have to as well. If you divorce then your wife will lose her B permit status. Your child will retain his. If you have a C permit then her residence status is separate from you and she has the right to stay in case of a divorce.

Good points. It's actually the other way around. She is Swiss, so she naturally has permanent resident status. The children are automatically Swiss through her, and also U.S. citizens born in the States. She is also a U.S. citizen (got through marriage with me in the States). I have the Permit B, but through the ("family reunification"), not through employment. I am actively looking for work, and should hopefully get lined up with something within the next 6 months or so. I speak German fluently, and I am learning French. What is somewhat challenging, however, is we will be living on the French-speaking side, so for now I have to be extra diligent finding the right therapist and attorney (who either speaks German or English), and bust my ass off assimilating and learning French. I have major advantages already speaking German, and having studied in Europe earlier. I'm familiar with European life. But here's my bigger challenge: even though I have the Permit B through the "family reunification," it has to be renewed every year until 5 years of marriage (physically living in CH, and under the same roof). It would be much better if I were European, then I would automatically have the Permit C. I've already checked up on the Swiss laws regarding this. There is one exception to maintaining the Permit B and separating before this 5 year benchmark, and that is in the case of domestic violence. But the other problem is that this early separation could also then throw me into the category of "not being granted Permit C" down the road (after 5 years of physically living in CH) The # of Permit Cs granted, in special situations, are limited, and decided by immigration. I have actually a very good shot (especially assimilating well, having an employment history in CH by then, and having Swiss children), but sadly, it's still a risk (a risk I am unwilling to take ... .my kids will need me for life after divorce). So my best option is to hunker and ride this out, and FIRST get my Permit C before I start the process for divorce. And honestly, I hope this can be settled out of court through mediation. This would be ideal, but I am unwilling to settle for anything less than 50% physical custody (or very close to this), because my kids will need me, obviously, and I want this. So until then, I am making sure to document everything I can (I have read "Splitting"), and I'll eventually find a Swiss attorney in our canton familiar with mental health disorders.

Thanks again for your advice, and good luck to you! If you're here in CH, shoot me a message.

suisse_chilipepper

[suisse_chilipep]

I would presume the laws there are similar to USA laws in the respect that legal consultations are private.  You have no obligation to share your visits or information gained from them, not even in late-night interrogations and "or else" demands.  Too much information (TMI) when the family relationship is dysfunctional can actually enable your spouse to sabotage your parenting efforts, if it came to that.

Thanks ForeverDad! I appreciate it.

[suisse_chilipep]

Thanks LightAfterTunnel. I appreciate your insights and comments, especially since you're familiar with life in CH.

One other thing ... .I was shocked to learn that CH could technically still kick me out - if I am not granted an exception - (even though I am their biological father and my kids will need me!). But those are the laws. Their cutoff is 5 years of marriage in the country, and physically living together. I understand and respect why certain countries are incredibly strict on immigration, especially a country like CH, but I don't have any advantage (as being their father), until I gain permanent residency status (Permit C). There's always the possibility, at that point, of getting sponsored by my company and proving to the authorities that my skills are specialised, and cannot be easily replaced by a Swiss candidate, but the process is lengthy, annoying, and there's still a risk. Again, a risk not worth it.

The process would be much easier if I were coming from an EU country, and not the U.S... We are currently in another European country (as visitors), but are registered residents in CH. It will have almost been a year, and time is flying by!

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi SuisseChilepep,

You should really talk to a lawyer in your area before worrying about permits etc... .solid information will give you a good foundation for your further decision making.

The Cantonal laws regarding separation and divorce can be vastly different. Imagine getting a divorce in Alabama or Utah versus New Hampshire for instance. Similarly, in CH there are large differences in religious affiliations among the Swiss cantons and the associated social norms definitely impact their divorce laws.

Good luck,
LAT

[suisse_chilipep]

Hi SuisseChilepep,

You should really talk to a lawyer in your area before worrying about permits etc... .solid information will give you a good foundation for your further decision making.

The Cantonal laws regarding separation and divorce can be vastly different. Imagine getting a divorce in Alabama or Utah versus New Hampshire for instance. Similarly, in CH there are large differences in religious affiliations among the Swiss cantons and the associated social norms definitely impact their divorce laws.

Good luck,
LAT

Hi LAT,
Thanks! Great advice. Yes, I do need to have confirmed what I've researched from an attorney. I will do!

Best,
suisse_chilipep

[kells76]

Hi suisse_chilipep, you're getting some great advice!

You might know this already, but as you put together a plan, consider reading what's posted on the "staying" and "conflicted" boards. There are lots of great tools and strategies discussed there for minimizing conflict while in a relationship with a pwBPD. It doesn't mean you have to stay or leave... .just tools to learn and try while you are together. Might help things go more smoothly for you and especially your kids during this time.

All the best;

kells76

[suisse_chilipep]

Thanks, I'll check it out.