What is an appropriate way to talk to my kids about this?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Finally reading about this part that I bring to the relationship. I didn’t realize.   It was easier to blame my uBPDh but that also has held me back from living the life that I want.   2019 will be a year of change for me.  20 year marriage.  2 teenagers that have been my focus to be a barrier, shield.  What is an appropriate way to talk to my kids about this?  Of course without bashing their father.  I also welcome suggestions for reading.  Thank you!   This site has been a God send for me!

[Overseas1899]

Finally reading about this part that I bring to the relationship. I didn’t realize.   It was easier to blame my uBPDh but that also has held me back from living the life that I want.   2019 will be a year of change for me.  20 year marriage.  2 teenagers that have been my focus to be a barrier, shield.  What is an appropriate way to talk to my kids about this?  Of course without bashing their father.  I also welcome suggestions for reading.  Thank you!   This site has been a God send for me!

[Upandown]

I value understanding my part in relationships I have had with BPD people.  However, in my opinion and those of some others in the mental health field, the concept of codependency has broadened incorrectly from its original use in connection with relationships with addicts.  It's another way and term for us to beat ourselves over the head for behaviors that any loving person would initially perform for people that they care about.  As with most things in life, it's a matter of degree. 

Meaning, how long do we try to help someone after we learn more about them and their disorder, at the expense of caring for ourselves.  So I suggest that we look at our behavior in this light, and don't condemn ourselves for being loving, but become more and more aware of the others' behavior and how it doesn't change.  Then, take steps to protect ourselves, not enable or rescue, etc.

So, you were drawn in because you are a loving person; not codependent.  And at some point you must realize that loving yourself becomes the priority.

[AskingWhy]

Finally reading about this part that I bring to the relationship. I didn’t realize.   It was easier to blame my uBPDh but that also has held me back from living the life that I want.   2019 will be a year of change for me.  20 year marriage.  2 teenagers that have been my focus to be a barrier, shield.  What is an appropriate way to talk to my kids about this?  Of course without bashing their father.  I also welcome suggestions for reading.  Thank you!   This site has been a God send for me!

Overseas, your willingness to see your part in your choosing a BPD spouse is a start.  I have also been married, and only in the last five years or have I come to realize I was not the fault for all the discord.

My uBPD/uNPD H is enmeshed with his adult children.  They were raised by their uNPD M, and all likely in some BPD or NPD spectrum.  H triangulates with them to draw them into the drama against me.  Of course, they side with their father when he dysregulates and threatens me with divorce.  H gives them thousands of dollars for the asking for clothes, expensive things, and drugs (in some cases; H is not told this, of course.)  Naturally, they have a vested interest in taking their father's side.

You can't discuss BPD without "bashing" their father.  Any way you paint it, he will not appear "normal."  I am sure your children have seen him dysregulate.  BPDs have problems hiding from their families; they can hide their tempers from coworkers and friends but not families.    Depending on the age of the teen, you can gear your discussion toward the age group.  It is best, IMO, to do this immediately after your H has dysregulated so the episode (unhappiness, fear, shock, etc.) is fresh in their minds.

I would call the BPD and "illness," because that is what it is.  You can say, "You father has an illness that makes him act certain ways at certain times."

You will want to stress that the illness is not their fault, but also not yours.

I am glad 2019 will be a turning point for you and bettering your family.    

For spouses and families of those with BPD or uBPD, please read Randi Kreger's, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:  New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells."

Of course, read the original book, "Walking On Eggshells."

https://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

[AskingWhy]

Overseas, your willingness to see your part in your choosing a BPD spouse is a start.  I have also been married, and only in the last five years or have I come to realize I was not the fault for all the discord.

My uBPD/uNPD H is enmeshed with his adult children.  They were raised by their uNPD M, and all likely in some BPD or NPD spectrum.  H triangulates with them to draw them into the drama against me.  Of course, they side with their father when he dysregulates and threatens me with divorce.  H gives them thousands of dollars for the asking for clothes, expensive things, and drugs (in some cases; H is not told this, of course.)  Naturally, they have a vested interest in taking their father's side.

You can't discuss BPD without "bashing" their father.  Any way you paint it, he will not appear "normal."  I am sure your children have seen him dysregulate.  BPDs have problems hiding from their families; they can hide their tempers from coworkers and friends but not families.    Depending on the age of the teen, you can gear your discussion toward the age group.  It is best, IMO, to do this immediately after your H has dysregulated so the episode (unhappiness, fear, shock, etc.) is fresh in their minds.

I would call the BPD and "illness," because that is what it is.  You can say, "You father has an illness that makes him act certain ways at certain times."

You will want to stress that the illness is not their fault, but also not yours.

I am glad 2019 will be a turning point for you and bettering your family.    

For spouses and families of those with BPD or uBPD, please read Randi Kreger's, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:  New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells."

Of course, read the original book, "Walking On Eggshells."

https://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

[Notwendy]

I agree that all the issues are not our fault but I found it useful to look at my own co-dependent aspects of the relationship.

At first I was angry when a MC pointed this out to me. I was not the one with the difficult behavior and I felt I was doing all I could to keep our family stable. This was true, but I was also unhappy and resentful.

Looking at myself prompted self growth. My efforts had been towards fixing the marriage, fixing him and then they shifted towards my own self growth. The good part about doing this is that- even if they benefit the marriage, I keep the personal benefits. It's a bit like the little red hen- you bake the bread, it is yours.

It's a work in progress but becoming less co-dependent helped in other ways as well- with my BPD mother, my children and other relationships ( friends, work acquaintances).

I don't discount the contribution of the BPD partner, but we can't change their behavior. I believe the investment in yourself is worth it, no matter what direction the relationship takes.

[WitzEndWife]

This isn't BPD specific, but on the subject of codependency and why we're drawn to BPDs, I really enjoy the blog and podcast, "Baggage Reclaim" by Natalie Lue (she has several books as well). She really dives into how we are attracted to difficult or emotionally unavailable people because there's a lack of emotional availability and vulnerability on our part as well. By focusing 100 percent on someone else, we can avoid addressing and taking ownership of our own problems and emotional faults. I like the way Natalie talks about it because it's no-nonsense, but also loving, and makes a lot of sense. I've been coming to terms with my own issues around vulnerability, which is why I've had trouble in the past making deep friendships and why I've never had a normal, healthy relationship. It's very eye opening.

[Enabler]

In my opinion the first step is to talk openly about what happens when WE ALL emotionally dysregulate. Starting here is a good platform with which to move on to other aspects of behaviours. It's the foundation of BPD which all other things spin off from.

A great depiction I have used with my kids (to explain their own emotional dysregulations) is that of a glass of water. Discuss in terms of EVERYONE. Take a waterproof tray, put a pint glass on it and get a large jug of water. The water = stressors. Ask the kids to name a stressor and add more water each time. When you get near the top, explain that at this point you have your act together, you are in control... .you might feel a bit overwhelmed but you can cope. Then, add some more and the water will overflow... .at this point mention emotional dysregulation and explain what happens when you emotionally dysregulate... .get angry, black and white thinking, paranoid thinking, say stuff we don't mean, throw things, hit people... .etc etc

Now, talk about way with which you can reduce the amount of water in the glass... .your kids are likely to come up with healthy ways of lowering the water level, like running, reading, watching a film, going for a walk... .but you might want to add some BPD ways in there, like drinking, shopping, driving too fast, sleeping around, running off, cutting, threatening suicide... .let them join the dots up. Let them come to the conclusion themselves, you are just educating them about something they will already be aware of. If questions go 'that way' answer them generally.

What do you think? I had this chat with my kids D10, D8 and D5.

Enabler

[zachira]

The first step in talking to children about their parent with BPD, is to let your children know that how badly a parent behaves has nothing to do with them. This is particularly important with young children who think they have done something to cause the parent to behave badly. I realize your children are teenagers, and there are likely some of their father's behaviors that they have internalized as being their fault or that says something is defective in them. It is key to be calm and neutral when discussing their father, as you don't want to come across as trying to influence how they feel about their father as this will only cause more confusion. Explaining emotional dysregulation is key to their understanding, while encouraging compassion yet making it clear that their job as teenagers is become independent adults from their parents, and their primary job in life is not to become caretakers to their father. Sometimes, it can help to have a neutral third party like a therapist work with teenagers who are trying to sort out the differences between their parents, yet do not necessarily feel comfortable talking to one parent about the other. I admire how much you care about your children that you would ask for help in trying to talk to your teenagers about their father.

[Cat Familiar]

I would have welcomed hearing my father talk about my mother's behavior. Even as a teen, her unpredictability, unreliability and sudden inexplicable anger was confusing to me. But that conversation never happened.

I became a psychology major in college, trying to figure out what the heck was going on and at that time, Borderline was not nearly as well defined as it is now. What was particularly perplexing to me was that she was highly functional in many ways and that my friends thought she was fabulous; apparently the only ones who saw her dark side were my dad and I.

When I was younger, I felt that it was all my fault. That I was always responsible for her bad behavior somehow. That’s a good reason for the non parent to talk to children about their BPD spouse.